Marriage and parents...

[unknown12]

Salams everybody,

Just curious (and also because I want full member status, not too far from 50 posts ), I just finished school and was wondering well what's the next step in my life, 1. get my first job, 2. complete university, 3. get a proper job, 4. get married. The part I am most concerned about is Marriage lol. Even though I am stretching my thinking 3 - 5 years in advance, I was wondering how did you propose the idea of marriage to your parents/family? For me personally I find marriage to be a very awkward topic in my family, that none wants to talk about, well comment on other people's marriages.

What I am most anxious about is when the time actually comes to talk about marriage and I do have to bring this up with my parents that I am interested in marriage, etc or who knows inshallah if I do have someone in mind and make a recommendation to my parents it would be ok. But to me it would just seem awkward talking to my parents about this stuff. Maybe I am still immature (which could be the reason, but I consider myself very mature for my age), but yeah I don't know how I would go about telling my parents that I ' am interested'. I think what would happen is a week will go past, each day I will end up making hints that I am ready and eventually wait for my parents to crack open and talk about marriage lol. Does your family talk openly about marriage?

How did you guys/girls bring this issue up with your parents, or did they bring it up with you? I don't think my parents would bring this issue up with me, they would wait for me to make the move. I know this because I have an older sister who isn't married yet lol.

 

[*charisma*]

Assalamu Alaikum

I've learned as long as the subject of marriage feels awkward and you're still nervous to discuss it and things like that, you're not ready for marriage yet, because when you're ready, you just start having a different mentality, you actually become a bit excited because you feel mature enough to take on this responsibility. You may even feel like you don't want to get married at all later on. I also believe when your parents see that you are capable of taking care of someone else, they will start trying to marry you off ;D I think with girls it's different though because parent's get sensitive about them, they'd rather keep them as long as possible, and also usually the guy is the one who asks for the girl's hand in marriage, so the girl just has to wait until someone suitable comes along, no work needs to be done there. It will be something that will come easy and naturally for both you and your parents when Allah opens that door for you.

Personally in my family, we used to talk about marriage all the time, like just in general. My siblings and I would also make little jokes about what kind of person we'd probably end up with. If it got to the real serious stuff though, it would just naturally get embarrassing and make us feel shy. Now that we are all older, it's something that's normal to talk about.

fi aman Allah
w'salaam

 

[Muslim Woman]

:wa:

normally in Bangladesh , when a boy finished his study and starts a job / business , family friends , neighbours , relatives start bringing proposals for him .

For girls , even before she finishes studying , relatives start talking about her marrige . U may start looking for a suitable brother in law. On ur sis marriage ceremony , hopefully someone will say to u in front of parents , hey , u are next.

 

[unknown12]

Assalamu Alaikum

I've learned as long as the subject of marriage feels awkward and you're still nervous to discuss it and things like that, you're not ready for marriage yet, because when you're ready, you just start having a different mentality, you actually become a bit excited because you feel mature enough to take on this responsibility. You may even feel like you don't want to get married at all later on. I also believe when your parents see that you are capable of taking care of someone else, they will start trying to marry you off ;D I think with girls it's different though because parent's get sensitive about them, they'd rather keep them as long as possible, and also usually the guy is the one who asks for the girl's hand in marriage, so the girl just has to wait until someone suitable comes along, no work needs to be done there. It will be something that will come easy and naturally for both you and your parents when Allah opens that door for you.

Personally in my family, we used to talk about marriage all the time, like just in general. My siblings and I would also make little jokes about what kind of person we'd probably end up with. If it got to the real serious stuff though, it would just naturally get embarrassing and make us feel shy. Now that we are all older, it's something that's normal to talk about.

fi aman Allah
w'salaam

To be honest with you sister I have been thinking quite a bit about marriage. It seems exciting and the thought of finding your partner for life is amazing. I would love to get married, but I'm sure you have heard this a billion times, I need to complete my uni studies, help my family out and find a stable job.

True I agree with you, my sis is 'ancient', and still unmarried, however my parents have brought the issue of marriage up with my older bro who isn't that much elder than me.

I actually have a sister in a mind, and so too does the sister. She was the one who brought this up with me and said that look I am interested in marriage, but only after yourself and I have completed our studies and have gained a job. Ever since that, I have been so excited about marriage.

I guess yeah it will come natural, but as I mentioned in the OP, once I do start talking about marriage then it will be a bit strange. The thing is apparently I have a 'baby face' so people mistaken me to be younger... lol

Ah yeah my family do talk about marriage, but its mostly critisicing other people and talking about the extremes in our family lol, however I don't partake in such discussions... Maybe once I do start involving myself, maybe that will be a hint to the parents.

Yeah true, I would be so shy and awkward telling my parents that look I have a sister in mind. I have actually like created that scenario in my head, my imaging myself opening up to my parents. I walk in the room, take a deep breath and let it all out, 'I have a sister in mind, this is her name, this is where she is from, this is the house number, phone them, find out about them, get to know them and tell me what you think". So basically be straight forward, however that will be the longest discussion of my life, interrogated by my parents...

Ahhh.... Allah make it easy for us.

 

[unknown12]

:wa:

normally in Bangladesh , when a boy finished his study and starts a job / business , family friends , neighbours , relatives start bringing proposals for him .

For girls , even before she finishes studying , relatives start talking about her marrige . U may start looking for a suitable brother in law. On ur sis marriage ceremony , hopefully someone will say to u in front of parents , hey , u are next.

Haha I'm lucky I am the youngest, so they target my older brother . But if they do say such a thing as I'm next, I'll be like heck yeah hook me up lol.... (as a joke),

lol last time I did actually have an uncle say that to me at the dinning table, I responded "Nah I'm okay, I have a girlfriend, just you wait". (lol ofcourse I don't have a girlfriend, that's haram, but thats the only way I could stop them from targetting me ) smh

 

[*charisma*]

Assalamu Alaikum

To be honest with you sister I have been thinking quite a bit about marriage. It seems exciting and the thought of finding your partner for life is amazing. I would love to get married, but I'm sure you have heard this a billion times, I need to complete my uni studies, help my family out and find a stable job.

True I agree with you, my sis is 'ancient', and still unmarried, however my parents have brought the issue of marriage up with my older bro who isn't that much elder than me.

I actually have a sister in a mind, and so too does the sister. She was the one who brought this up with me and said that look I am interested in marriage, but only after yourself and I have completed our studies and have gained a job. Ever since that, I have been so excited about marriage.

I guess yeah it will come natural, but as I mentioned in the OP, once I do start talking about marriage then it will be a bit strange. The thing is apparently I have a 'baby face' so people mistaken me to be younger... lol

Ah yeah my family do talk about marriage, but its mostly critisicing other people and talking about the extremes in our family lol, however I don't partake in such discussions... Maybe once I do start involving myself, maybe that will be a hint to the parents.

Yeah true, I would be so shy and awkward telling my parents that look I have a sister in mind. I have actually like created that scenario in my head, my imaging myself opening up to my parents. I walk in the room, take a deep breath and let it all out, 'I have a sister in mind, this is her name, this is where she is from, this is the house number, phone them, find out about them, get to know them and tell me what you think". So basically be straight forward, however that will be the longest discussion of my life, interrogated by my parents...

Ahhh.... Allah make it easy for us.

Aha! You have a trigger: a girl that you're interested in! lol

If you know you will continue to be interested in this girl until you are able to marry her (sometimes our taste differs after a while), then out of respect to her and her family, you shouldn't communicate with her anymore and make it clear to her that if she could wait for you until you finish your studies then that's great and you can tell your parents of your plans. I promise you she (or any girl!) will respect you so much more after that, even if she gets sad about it and says she never plans on doing anything wrong with you. The reason I say this is because it's already been made apparent that you are both interested in each other, I mean mashallah you both sound like good muslims, but I have to bring this up anyway because we are still humans in the end, but basically you should try to make this whole thing as pure and honorable as possible, or it may happen that your marriage to her would be a punishment from Allah subhanahu wa tala if you choose to do anything wrong before marriage, which shaytan is really good at making easy. Also without her in mind, you should think of all the qualities you'd want to have in a spouse. I mean imagine if she had not initiated the "proposal", what kind of wife would you have wanted and what qualities would you have sought?? Also you must think about your own qualities and character, especially if this is the first girl you have been interested in.

I also suggest you pray salaatul istikhara. If you feel good after that prayer, then you can just discuss it slightly with your parents and if they seem open to the idea, then maybe you can start discussing it more. If this is something that allah wants to happen, believe me, everything will happen so easily despite everything else you plan on doing in life.

Sincerely make du'a to allah that he blesses you with a great wife, regardless of who you end up with. This will show your honesty and maturity towards marriage, because it's not always about having a specific person, it's just having a person who will compliment you in every way and will better you through out your life. People like to make du'as about marrying a specific person, but only Allah knows if this person is good for us and we don't find out until after marriage if we had made the right choice, so we should trust in Him to make things easy for us and bring closer the people we need to have in our lives.
I hope the very best for you!

fi aman Allah
w'salaam

 

[unknown12]

Assalamu Alaikum

Aha! You have a trigger: a girl that you're interested in! lol

If you know you will continue to be interested in this girl until you are able to marry her (sometimes our taste differs after a while), then out of respect to her and her family, you shouldn't communicate with her anymore and make it clear to her that if she could wait for you until you finish your studies then that's great and you can tell your parents of your plans. I promise you she (or any girl!) will respect you so much more after that, even if she gets sad about it and says she never plans on doing anything wrong with you. The reason I say this is because it's already been made apparent that you are both interested in each other, I mean mashallah you both sound like good muslims, but I have to bring this up anyway because we are still humans in the end, but basically you should try to make this whole thing as pure and honorable as possible, or it may happen that your marriage to her would be a punishment from Allah subhanahu wa tala if you choose to do anything wrong before marriage, which shaytan is really good at making easy. Also without her in mind, you should think of all the qualities you'd want to have in a spouse. I mean imagine if she had not initiated the "proposal", what kind of wife would you have wanted and what qualities would you have sought?? Also you must think about your own qualities and character, especially if this is the first girl you have been interested in.

I also suggest you pray salaatul istikhara. If you feel good after that prayer, then you can just discuss it slightly with your parents and if they seem open to the idea, then maybe you can start discussing it more. If this is something that allah wants to happen, believe me, everything will happen so easily despite everything else you plan on doing in life.

Sincerely make du'a to allah that he blesses you with a great wife, regardless of who you end up with. This will show your honesty and maturity towards marriage, because it's not always about having a specific person, it's just having a person who will compliment you in every way and will better you through out your life. People like to make du'as about marrying a specific person, but only Allah knows if this person is good for us and we don't find out until after marriage if we had made the right choice, so we should trust in Him to make things easy for us and bring closer the people we need to have in our lives.
I hope the very best for you!

fi aman Allah
w'salaam

Just had a little battle with a cockaroach in my room, it disappeared as I went to grab my shoe... :O lol could be lurking anywhere and its quite late now... ahh

Yeah, but its quite complicated unfortunately . Don't know if you would be interested, but here's a thread I made about my situation (http://www.islamicboard.com/advice-support/134317192-need-help.html). I understand that we shouldn't communicate and I recently brought it up to her attention, however I find myself in a tough spot; I don't know what to do... Yeah I did tell the sister and she was understanding and happy I brought this issue up with her. Yeah she did get sad after I said what I had to.

Yeah I understand sister. Thing is I can't actually judge her real qualities because I haven't met her in person. This is going to sound lame and like a love at first sight story, but actually I met her on studentroom.co.uk this just shows my intentions was never to meet anyone or get up to anything bad. She helped me with some work, I did the same, I found she was muslim and we spoke a bit and both opened up about our future ambitions and goals (this was before I found out that contact with non-mahram female was haram). We found out how much we had in common, both planning on attending same university; unfortunately she will be going to one closer to home and I think things happen for a reason; Allah is saving both of us from any wrong.

Inshallah yeah i hope so too I get a good wife; she will be lucky to have me ;P haha and I will be lucky to her. I am like one of the nicest guys (excuse my self-compliments), but yeah like I have been day dreaming about marriage and fast forwarding like 4 years into the future thinking of myself and my wife doing fun stuff together haha, thinking about all the problems we will face, having to comfort her, she having to comfort me etc etc... (See this shows how mature I am, not sure if many people my age would think the same... I'm a recent 18 year old).

But yeah do make Dua for me inshallah.

Fi Imanillah... Barakallahfeek

****Update on the cockaroach situation just found it crawling on my table, ran under my laptop, smashed it! One less cockaroach

 

[*charisma*]

Assalamu Alaikum

Inshallah khair bro, I do wish the best for you. Like I said, it would be best to just cut contact off with her, no matter how emotional it will make either of you feel. Emotions are things that will change over time alhemdulilah, and that is with the mercy of Allah. As someone mentioned in the other thread, your parents need to be involved with this as well, because if they cannot accept her or vice versa and you really want to marry this girl sooo bad, then you will have a bigger issue because you will be disappointing your family or hers, and you will feel bad that you hurt them in any way. It will also be easier to concentrate on your studies and getting things done instead of thinking about her all the time. Inshallah after you are done you will have all the time in the world to plan out your life with her after your parents approval and blessing.

fi aman Allah
w'salaam

 

[Ghazalah]

Wslm.

First off I will say do not think your plans on how and when you get married are final, we plan so much but in all honesty, Allah swt plans also, and He is the best of planners.

Secondly, seems like you are not in a position to get married now anyway, so don't over think it too much. But when you feel the time is right, just corner your mum in the kitchen so she cannot escape and tell her you feel the time is right. It's that simple.

Thirdly, this situation with the girl, putting aside the fact it is haraam, its mainly interaction on the internet, should be enough for you to cut off. The chances of you marrying her are minimal, I mean of course anything can happen, but it is unlikely. Secondly it's not fair on your future wife that you are talking to women and finding it difficult to stop. Trust me when I say women are insanely jealous, so if your future wife gets even a whiff of any other woman in the equation all hell will break loose. So cut it off and save all this for your future wife inshAllah. And make dua, that Allah swt guides you, and blesses you with a pious wife.

Update on the cockaroach situation just found it crawling on my table, ran under my laptop, smashed it! One less cockaroach

Smashed it? It was harmless! Animal killer.. :/:

 

[unknown12]

Wslm.

First off I will say do not think your plans on how and when you get married are final, we plan so much but in all honesty, Allah swt plans also, and He is the best of planners.

Secondly, seems like you are not in a position to get married now anyway, so don't over think it too much. But when you feel the time is right, just corner your mum in the kitchen so she cannot escape and tell her you feel the time is right. It's that simple.

Thirdly, this situation with the girl, putting aside the fact it is haraam, its mainly interaction on the internet, should be enough for you to cut off. The chances of you marrying her are minimal, I mean of course anything can happen, but it is unlikely. Secondly it's not fair on your future wife that you are talking to women and finding it difficult to stop. Trust me when I say women are insanely jealous, so if your future wife gets even a whiff of any other woman in the equation all hell will break loose. So cut it off and save all this for your future wife inshAllah. And make dua, that Allah swt guides you, and blesses you with a pious wife.

Smashed it? It was harmless! Animal killer.. :/:

True sister, I agree with you. lol was at the butcher today with mum, she saw a frame on the wall with ayatul kursi, and said that we have to start buying 3, one for each of the siblings. I asked why, she said cas you going to get married soon and going to get your own house... ahh,

Yep now isn't the time for marriage for myself, uni starting etc maybe in 3 years time...

Ameen to that, but the situation is a little more complicated than that...