Marriage/Child conflict with Parents...need islamic advice to do whats right.

[ILoveAllaah]

Salam Brothers and Sisters,

To start off, my parents have always been very strict I am a male and now 22 years old and last year I secretly went behind their back and got married. My plan was to marry her now and introduce her later and have a bigger wedding. She was not a born muslim but wanting to convert. Long story short, she became pregnant 2 months after. I did not know how to tell my parents so I kept it a secret, I was very stressed and did not want the baby, but I kept staying strong and praying to Allah to stay strong. Months later we had the baby in a different state where her parents lived and went back shortly after. Time was going by and I knew I had to tell my parents, when the baby turned one month I decided to make a move and tell my uncle. My uncle took the news very calmly and told me that he will tell my mother for me. My mother took the news very hard causing her to pass out on the kitchen and floor and after telling my father the news he got into an accident and crashed the car into a truck because of all the stress I put him through. I did not speak to parents that whole day just to give them time to soak it in. The next day I took my child and wife to my parents house and I took the baby out of the car and walked towards the door. I had the key but did not want to barge in so I knocked. My mother told me to leave now or she will call the police and not to bring the baby or my wife there. I was very furious because I wanted an end to all of this. She denied her own grandson and son. I have a 7 year old brother and he seen all of this and he is very confused but I still talk to him on the phone and tell them its all ok. My mom called me hours later and yelled at me and told me not to bring my child there or my wife and if I want to come, to come alone. She then went on to tell me that one day my wife like all american wives will take me for my money and go and that she will not last long and that i was stupid to do something like this because I already am a citizen and that a threw my life away in the trash. I know I made a mistake but I am trying to fix all of this but then she goes on to tell me that to leave my child and wife and to go back to my country where they can find me a family girl and marry her.

I feel like this is not right to abandon my wife which I love and my 1 month child just because she feels that she is not trustworthy and I also feel that she is doing this because she will feel embaressed telling the rest of the family that this happened. My mom wants to me to just worry about school and my career (which I still am focusing on) and leave this situation behind me. I knew this girl(my wife) since elementary school and when we got older we fell in love and I know she will never do anything bad to me. My mom basically gave me an ultimatium to either leave my wife and son or they will cut ties with me. She told me that my son is "haram" and is considered no good and wont be able to be muslim. This does not make any sense to me, how can a innocent baby be haram. I plan on raising him to be a great islamic kid and I told my mom to just give my wife and son a chance to just see them and she keeps telling me that she is not able to handle it and she will pass out if she does. She doesnt even know them and she hates them basically. Brothers and Sisters, what should I do? My instinct is telling me to take care of my son and wife but I feel hurt that my parents want to cut ties with me just because I do not want to let them go but I believe it is haram to abandon a woman and your baby.

 

[Alpha Dude]

Wa alaykum salam,

Did your wife convert to Islam before you married her/had a kid?

In any case, the bottom line is that you have a wife and a kid now. You have to take responsibility for them, regardless of what your parents tell you or blackmail you into thinking.

Keep trying to make them see sense but don't turn your back on your new family.

She told me that my son is "haram" and is considered no good and wont be able to be muslim. This does not make any sense to me, how can a innocent baby be haram.

The baby is faultless in this and it is up to you to raise him as a good Muslim.

 

[ILoveAllaah]

She considers herself a practicing muslim, she is picking up many islam ways such as saying bismillah before eating/driving and does not eat pork. I wanted her and my mom to have a bond so she will be a guide for her to becoming a muslim woman. But unfortunately it is not working out...

 

[Snowflake]

You need to be patient bro. Sometimes we do things that really hurt our parents, and we don't understand until we are parents oruselves. If you imagine someone telling you that your son has got married and had a baby, you'd be upset too. All your mother's dreams of finding you a girl, organsing your wedding and so on, have been shattered and it's hurt her badly. So give it time insha Allah (weeks, months, and even years). As bro Alpha said, you have responsiblity toward your wife and child, but still also toward your parents and mother especially. Right now, don't worry about your mum not accepting your wife and child. Just keep visiting your parents and ask Allah to rectify your affairs. Stress and worry won't help. Help and your wife to learn and accept the deen and focus on your child's upbringing. I know it sounds impossible at the moment, but things will iron out in the end insha Allah. Just keep your duty to Allah and all concerned. May Allah keep you all safe. Ameen.

 

[Predator]

If you imagine someone telling you that your son has got married and had a baby, you'd be upset too. All your mother's dreams of finding you a girl, organsing your wedding and so on, have been shattered and it's hurt her badly.

Its not the mother's choice to make . The son is the one who is going to live with the wife for the next 40 -50 years , not the Mother and the decision should be his and its a right of the son

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_hl5yVYoXSgThe act of forced marriages is something that is not good, nor fruitful, because its foundation is corrupt, and whatever stands upon a corrupt foundation shall eventually falter and will not have a good ending. Forced marriage is essentially the act of forcing a person to marry without his will, basically he has no choice or say in the matter, he has to do it, whether he likes it or not.

And this is not correct at all, since men have their rights, and you cannot force them to love somebody.

Allah the most high forbids the act of forced marriage, so therefore this act is a sin and against God's true teachings.

I am guessing the OP is from a South Asian country where the practice of forced arranged marriages is the norm,which in reality is haraam

 

[Snowflake]

Its not the mother's choice to make . The son is the one who is going to live with the wife for the next 40 -50 years , not the Mother and the decision should be his and its a right of the son

I'm aware it's not the mother's choice, and I know forced marriages are haram. But which parent wouldn't hurt if their child got married secretly? And when people are raised to think culturally then you have to understand where they are coming from and be patient with how they react. It's just a sensible thing to do in these circumstances.

 

[CosmicPathos]

well, you certainly gave quite a shock to your parents, especially when your parents dont deem you a grown up adult. And if it is their house, they do have the right to tell you to go out and find a place on your own now, since you've already determined that you could find a wife on your own. Your parents also have the right to cut off any financial support to you, that is not unislamic at all. You are above age of 18 now and Islam does not make it obligatory for parents to spend on you now anymore, they have fulfilled their responsibility to grow you up into a man, especually after this marriage of yours for which you did not consult your parents, espcially if you were financially depending on them in addition to staying in their house. Find your own place for your wife and baby, and try to get on your feet. You put yourself in this mess, or you could otherwise be single and studying by support of your parents.

Best of luck. if you are sincere, Allah swt might help you find a way out.

 

[Predator]

But which parent wouldn't hurt if their child got married secretly?

Well if the parent is not going to leave the decision of chosing the partner to the son and want the son to marry a woman from a rich family - (status ,caste , what ever) with which the Son wouldnt approve/agree with , then the son would have no other choice but to go and marry without their knowledge .


Bear in Mind also , that a Male does not need Wali for a marriage.


http://www.islamicboard.com/advice-...am-son-if-he-not-millionaire.html#post1501879

 

[جوري]

Congratulations on the birth of your child.. if you can weather away this storm then insha'Allah your parents will come around.. You should consider yourself blessed in many ways.. jobs come and go and so does money (at the end of the day those aren't the things that matter).. you have been gifted with love and a child.. that's more than many of us can ever hope to achieve in a lifetime..

 

[Predator]

You should consider yourself blessed in many ways.. jobs come and go and so does money

And in 22 years or even lesser , the Child will be Sitting in his Office Chair and he can retire and enjoy life .

Thus Islam encourages marriage and recommends early marriage for both young men and young women.


In the case of a wife, the Prophet, peace be upon him, says: “A woman is sought in marriage for one of four things; her wealth, beauty, family and faith. Make sure to choose the one with strong faith.”

In this Hadith, the Prophet, peace be upon him, makes it clear that most of the considerations to which people attach great importance when choosing a wife, such as wealth, beauty and family, are of little value. The important consideration is that she should have strong faith, because that is the one, which shapes her character and makes her a good wife

When a father receives a proposal of marriage for his daughter, he should consider the character of the suitor, not his wealth or family connections.


The Prophet, peace be upon him, says: “Should a man whom you find satisfactory with regard to his honesty and strength of faith propose to you for marriage, then give him [your daughter] in marriage. Unless you do that, there is bound to be strife and much corruption in society.”


As you can see Prophet, peace be upon him, does not attach any importance to the wealth or position of the man who comes with a marriage proposal.


He speaks only of the man’s honesty and strength of faith. The Prophet, peace be upon him, also warns that if we choose different criteria, our society will soon suffer from corruption.


These criteria which the Prophet, peace be upon him, outlined are the ones to be given priority. and Scholars have stressed compatibility as an important basis for accepting or rejecting a marriage proposal.


It is certainly against the teachings of Islam to make marriage difficult for young people by making excessive demands of dower, housing and furniture. These should always be of reasonable standard so that we do not discourage young people from marriage and cause a general delay in the marriage age in society.


This is unfortunately the case in some Muslim countries, where you find most people unable to get married before they reach their late twenties or early thirties. In some
cases, people reach 40 years of age before they have a realistic chance of being married. That is a situation, which leads to much corruption.


OP is thus a martyr against materialism and this incident should send a strong message to all those materialistic parents out there especially in South Asia

 

[CosmicPathos]

And in 22 years or even lesser , the Child will be Sitting in his Office Chair and he can retire and enjoy life .

Thus Islam encourages marriage and recommends early marriage for both young men and young women.


When a father receives a proposal of marriage for his daughter, he should consider the character of the suitor, not his wealth or family connections.


The Prophet, peace be upon him, says: “Should a man whom you find satisfactory with regard to his honesty and strength of faith propose to you for marriage, then give him [your daughter] in marriage. Unless you do that, there is bound to be strife and much corruption in society.”


As you can see Prophet, peace be upon him, does not attach any importance to the wealth or position of the man who comes with a marriage proposal.


He speaks only of the man’s honesty and strength of faith. The Prophet, peace be upon him, also warns that if we choose different criteria, our society will soon suffer from corruption.


These criteria which the Prophet, peace be upon him, outlined are the ones to be given priority. and Scholars have stressed compatibility as an important basis for accepting or rejecting a marriage proposal.


It is certainly against the teachings of Islam to make marriage difficult for young people by making excessive demands of dower, housing and furniture. These should always be of reasonable standard so that we do not discourage young people from marriage and cause a general delay in the marriage age in society.


This is unfortunately the case in some Muslim countries, where you find most people unable to get married before they reach their late twenties or early thirties. In some
cases, people reach 40 years of age before they have a realistic chance of being married. That is a situation, which leads to much corruption.


OP is thus a martyr against materialism and this incident should send a strong message to all those materialistic parents out there especially in South Asia

I in general agree with your message regarding early marriage to a person based on their deen.

But, as is obvious, the OP is in dire straits. He is only 22 years old. He has a baby as well now. Does he have a job where at least he can fulfill the physical needs of this baby? High quality food? High quality care? His parents clearly had good intentions in their mind, for their son to attain good education and hence a good job. While it is always motivating to read the stories of sahaaba and ahadees about the virtues of their early marriages, but did you know that durign those times those blessed ppl in their teenages were doing work that men today in their 20s dont do? Has OP shepherd sheep in the wild burning desert in his teens? Does he know what being caned by one's father means, as Umar bin Khattab (ra) was canned while herding sheep? Those people were correctly justified in getting married early because they became men earlier. Unlike today where a 30 year old spends his free time playing PS3 and lazying it out on the couch.

While we do believe that every soul has rizq written for it, I am sure if Allah has written that this baby will grow up, then surely He will create ways for him to obtain his food. But to that effect the father has some responsibility too. OP did not have any sort of job before he got married, he should have taken that into consideration.

But maybe its best for you, maybe Allah did want you to stand up on your feet now and enough of bumming out at the house, and He thought this was the best way to do it. Perhaps ull be motivated just cuz u have to feed 2 more ppl now.

salam

 

[Snowflake]

Well if the parent is not going to leave the decision of chosing the partner to the son and want the son to marry a woman from a rich family - (status ,caste , what ever) with which the Son wouldnt approve/agree with , then the son would have no other choice but to go and marry without their knowledge .


Bear in Mind also , that a Male does not need Wali for a marriage.


http://www.islamicboard.com/advice-...am-son-if-he-not-millionaire.html#post1501879

You're entirely missing my point brother. I'm not saying a man can't marry without his parents permission. I'm saying that he should be patient with their reaction and to give the mother time to cool down. Nor did I say he should leave his wife and child. I stated a fact that the mother is upset and to imagine it from her side - even if she is wrong - that's besides the point. What's wrong with that? Just because Islam gives us a right to do something, it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt others. We can't just stick our nose up in the air and do things because Islam said we can. If parents have the right to be sought permission from to do jihad, the surely they at least have the right to be consulted in life changing decisions such as marriage. Remember consulting them isn't the same as seeking their permission.


Narrated 'Abdullah bin 'Amr bin al-'As, A man came to the Prophet (peace be on him) and asked his permission to go for jihad. The Prophet (peace be on him) asked, 'Are your parents living?' 'Yes,' he replied. The Prophet (peace be on him) then said, 'Then strive in their service,' (Reported by al-Bukhari and Muslim.) meaning that taking care of parents is a greater obligation than '`had in the cause of Allah.

 

[CosmicPathos]

You're entirely missing my point brother. I'm not saying a man can't marry without his parents permission. I'm saying that he should be patient with their reaction and to give the mother time to cool down. Nor did I say he should leave his wife and child. I stated a fact that the mother is upset and to imagine it from her side - even if she is wrong - that's besides the point. What's wrong with that? Just because Islam gives us a right to do something, it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt others. We can't just stick our nose up in the air and do things because Islam said we can. If parents have the right to be sought permission from to do jihad, the surely they at least have the right to be consulted in life changing decisions such as marriage. Remember consulting them isn't the same as seeking their permission.


Narrated 'Abdullah bin 'Amr bin al-'As, A man came to the Prophet (peace be on him) and asked his permission to go for jihad. The Prophet (peace be on him) asked, 'Are your parents living?' 'Yes,' he replied. The Prophet (peace be on him) then said, 'Then strive in their service,' (Reported by al-Bukhari and Muslim.) meaning that taking care of parents is a greater obligation than '`had in the cause of Allah.

In this case, parents' concern is totally justified if they were pampering OP by providing him finances, education, food, accommodation and above all psychological support of having a family. My father clearly told me when I turned 16 that from now on they are going to financially and psychologically support me in my education and in life in general from their own good will and love for me and that they have absolutely NO Islamic obligation for doing so since I have reached baloogat and aint a weakling child anymore. It only makes sense that as courtesy then that I dont hurt my parents for indulging in the pursuit of self without taking into consideration the desires of parents.

Some angry person has called it "blackmail" by parents in this thread. You dont know what a blessing you have.

 

[Alpha Dude]

In this case, parents' concern is totally justified if they were pampering OP by providing him finances, education, food, accommodation and above all psychological support of having a family. My father clearly told me when I turned 16 that from now on they are going to financially and psychologically support me in my education and in life in general from their own good will and love for me and that they have absolutely NO Islamic obligation for doing so since I have reached baloogat and aint a weakling child anymore. It only makes sense that as courtesy then that I dont hurt my parents for indulging in the pursuit of self without taking into consideration the desires of parents.

Some angry person has called it "blackmail" by parents in this thread. You dont know what a blessing you have.

1. I wasn't angry.
2. The OP's mother said to him, in his words: "My mom basically gave me an ultimatium to either leave my wife and son or they will cut ties with me". This is wrong. This is coercion. Blackmail is a form of coercion. Hence my choice of words. Regardless of what happened, now that all has been said and done, for him to leave his wife and kid is wrong and his mother is wrong to coerce him into making such a choice, which he should not entertain (with no disrespect to her intended).
3. Saying that it is blackmail doesn't in any way negate the blessings of parents.

 

[tigerkhan]

well i think we need balance btw "rights" and "akhlaq" here. eg if its child right to do marriage as his willing but its against akhlaq or humanity that he even dont let his parent know it. we cant neglect akhlaaq while going for our rights. to hurt some muslim is very big sin, and if its ur parent then its worst.
u did wrong by not telling ur parents about ur marriage. now what u can do best is to be patient and be kind to them even they r harsh to u. i hope if u do so, maybe they forgive u and accept u, ur wife and child.

 

[Predator]

You're entirely missing my point brother. I'm not saying a man can't marry without his parents permission. I'm saying that he should be patient with their reaction and to give the mother time to cool down. Nor did I say he should leave his wife and child. I stated a fact that the mother is upset and to imagine it from her side - even if she is wrong - that's besides the point. What's wrong with that? Just because Islam gives us a right to do something, it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt others. We can't just stick our nose up in the air and do things because Islam said we can. If parents have the right to be sought permission from to do jihad, the surely they at least have the right to be consulted in life changing decisions such as marriage. Remember consulting them isn't the same as seeking their permission.


Narrated 'Abdullah bin 'Amr bin al-'As, A man came to the Prophet (peace be on him) and asked his permission to go for jihad. The Prophet (peace be on him) asked, 'Are your parents living?' 'Yes,' he replied. The Prophet (peace be on him) then said, 'Then strive in their service,' (Reported by al-Bukhari and Muslim.) meaning that taking care of parents is a greater obligation than '`had in the cause of Allah.

What kind of comparison is that ? It makes no sense what so ever
Jihad and Marriage ?
You dont run the risk of getting killed in a marriage unlike Jihad


From the below ,you can see clearly that OP want to marry that american with good character & faith and woman not one from his country and which parents disagreed with and he knew that , thats why he got married without their knowledge

She then went on to tell me that one day my wife like all american wives will take me for my money and go and that she will not last long
she goes on to tell me that to leave my child and wife and to go back to my country where they can find me a family girl and marry her.

How can you force your son to get himself in a relationship that doesnt make sense for him and perpetuate cycles of misunderstanding in a household that are not very healthy and threaten him that if you dont do what we tell you to than you're a bad person and you're dishonoring the rights that we have as parents and your committing a sin upon yourself and then the Son find themselves in a place where they cant say no and then they find themselves in a place where they are not connected to the person , who they are now sharing a bed withand bring children with and who they will look to as means of support and as someone who will be there for him when no one else is there and they dont even know how to talk to one another

People will find themselves in a situation where ther are forced to attest a contract which they dont want to be a part of because they have a misconstrued understanding of what it means to be obedient to your parents and There are lines that shouldnt be crossed even in commanding that öbedience to parents

A young man said who was forced into marriage and he said that everytime his wife approached him everynight in a physically way , he felt that that she was some wh0re , because he had no desire to be with her and did not want to be there sharing that bed with her and wished he had said no when he had the opportunity and wished his parents had listened to him when he had said no and not jumped in his weakness when he said yes

Dont do that to your children and dont set them up in that way and if you were in a place where you were trying to understand your own marital pursuit, do not say yes to a marriage which you do not wish to be a part of .You cannot sacrifice your happiness in that manner
Islam does not entitle you as a mother or father to do whatever you want to your child's life You must not put your children into places where they are forced to succumb to circumstances .
It is your child's life and not your own

Does he have a job where at least he can fulfill the physical needs of this baby?

That question is best directed at OP and his wife and any sane person with 2 hands and 2 feet who can write is capable of the earning money .

Also, Now the marriage milestone is fullfilled ,he can now fully focus on his career,

High quality food? High quality care? His parents clearly had good intentions in their mind, for their son to attain good education and hence a good job.

That really is problem with materialism, i brought that up in my previous posts

How "good" is good ?.Its something that is decided by his wife and not by the parents

In Islam , you need to be able to feed, clothe and provide shelter for your family and If you can do that then you are eligible for marroage
What has happened has happened , past is past and what OP's mother suggesting of abandoning the wife and child is haraam in addition to her age old tradition of gunshot marriage and OP should get a scholar to speak with the parents to get rid of these wrong ideas

 

['Abd-al Latif]

Salam Brothers and Sisters,

To start off, my parents have always been very strict I am a male and now 22 years old and last year I secretly went behind their back and got married. My plan was to marry her now and introduce her later and have a bigger wedding. She was not a born muslim but wanting to convert. Long story short, she became pregnant 2 months after. I did not know how to tell my parents so I kept it a secret, I was very stressed and did not want the baby, but I kept staying strong and praying to Allah to stay strong. Months later we had the baby in a different state where her parents lived and went back shortly after. Time was going by and I knew I had to tell my parents, when the baby turned one month I decided to make a move and tell my uncle. My uncle took the news very calmly and told me that he will tell my mother for me. My mother took the news very hard causing her to pass out on the kitchen and floor and after telling my father the news he got into an accident and crashed the car into a truck because of all the stress I put him through. I did not speak to parents that whole day just to give them time to soak it in. The next day I took my child and wife to my parents house and I took the baby out of the car and walked towards the door. I had the key but did not want to barge in so I knocked. My mother told me to leave now or she will call the police and not to bring the baby or my wife there. I was very furious because I wanted an end to all of this. She denied her own grandson and son. I have a 7 year old brother and he seen all of this and he is very confused but I still talk to him on the phone and tell them its all ok. My mom called me hours later and yelled at me and told me not to bring my child there or my wife and if I want to come, to come alone. She then went on to tell me that one day my wife like all american wives will take me for my money and go and that she will not last long and that i was stupid to do something like this because I already am a citizen and that a threw my life away in the trash. I know I made a mistake but I am trying to fix all of this but then she goes on to tell me that to leave my child and wife and to go back to my country where they can find me a family girl and marry her.

I feel like this is not right to abandon my wife which I love and my 1 month child just because she feels that she is not trustworthy and I also feel that she is doing this because she will feel embaressed telling the rest of the family that this happened. My mom wants to me to just worry about school and my career (which I still am focusing on) and leave this situation behind me. I knew this girl(my wife) since elementary school and when we got older we fell in love and I know she will never do anything bad to me. My mom basically gave me an ultimatium to either leave my wife and son or they will cut ties with me. She told me that my son is "haram" and is considered no good and wont be able to be muslim. This does not make any sense to me, how can a innocent baby be haram. I plan on raising him to be a great islamic kid and I told my mom to just give my wife and son a chance to just see them and she keeps telling me that she is not able to handle it and she will pass out if she does. She doesnt even know them and she hates them basically. Brothers and Sisters, what should I do? My instinct is telling me to take care of my son and wife but I feel hurt that my parents want to cut ties with me just because I do not want to let them go but I believe it is haram to abandon a woman and your baby.

Don't abandon your wife and child. And don't succumb to the emotions of people, even if it's your mum telling you to divorce your wife. Try to speak to your father alone, away from your mum, if he is willing to listen and discuss this with you. And if you must speak to your mum then speak to her when she is calm and more receptive to listen to what you have to say. Since your uncle listened and he stayed calm, speak to him and see if he can be of any help. Give your mum time to think and try to handle this with the men of your family first because it will be best for you resolve this without making emotional decisions.

 

[Periwinkle18]

i would say pray alot to Allah to open the hearts of ur parents n plz don't leave ur wife n son... inshaAllah everything will be ok just give ur parents some time they'll understand wen they see tht ur happy with ur family

dun forget to make lots n lots of dua's

 

[Snowflake]

What kind of comparison is that ? It makes no sense what so ever
Jihad and Marriage ?

Never mind brother. Again, you didn't get my point. That's fine. I don't like to keep going on about the same thing over and over. Fi aman Allah.