Marriage Difficulties

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Lonely Gal

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Hi,
Am new to this - I have got major problems but got no one to turn to and now I have really come to the end, where I cannot take much more and need to explode. I have been married for over 6 months, and yes it was arranged. I just do not seem to get on with him at all, he has been here for a few months now but I just cant seem to connect with him at all. I am not attracted to him and therefore that's the biggest hurdle I cannot get over. I really really wanted my marriage to work, wanted happiness and I no looks are not everything but with the problems there I think that's where the other issues stem from. I wanted to make me parents happy but they have found out I am not happy and its caused tension between all my family and me.
I know I am to blame but dunno what to do to change things. I try really hard and just as I think we ver very slowly making little progress, he goes and does something that irritates me. He is really clingy and I've told him I need space and take things slow, he says OK. but then 2 days later hes pestering me again.
I really hate me life at the mo, i hate being at home, surrounded by people who don't like me.
I don't tell me friends cos then I they would keep askin me how I am, and i'll be a total wreck. I have a hidden life from all my frends - its horrible. I have so many emotions and feelings locked up. I dno what to do.. I need help.. Allah swt please guide me right, help me be a good muslim and wife and inshAllah one day a mother. I had so many dreams and wished, as my husband did, but nothings gone right.. What do I need to do??
 
Assalamu Alaikum

please please talk to a an imaam about this, a trustworthy open minded imaam who sticks to Quran and Sunnah.

It sounds like your marriage isnt working, but i dont want to say anything because whilst your unhappy for now i dont know what the future could hold.

I think other people can give better advice but my advice is talk to a qualified imaam about this.


It doesnt sound like his treating you badly, your just finding it hard to like him? hmm.. maybe its his hair style or something? cant you talk to him about it? im sure he'd be willing to change a bit for you..


sorry about my horrible advice..
 
:salamext:

Try finding similarities between what u and your husband both like. Try and do something together that u both can enjoy. Love won't sprout out of nowhere - u need to giv it time.

Build up a relationship of trust and friendship, because love mainly blossoms when the relationship is built on trust of the other person and when you are comfortable with them.

Try and talk to him and tell him what he does that irritates you. Both of you need to be willing to change and make sacrifices. Share your dreams with one another, plan for the future :)
 
I dno where to go and talk to someone about it. I would not feel comfortable goin to the local one as everyone no's everyone and news travels fast - esp in my community.
he is being nice - its me that cant be on a level with him.
He says he wants to do wateva i say, but I want him to be independant and tell me what he wants or thinks..
having a comunication problems don't help either, I cant express myself in my own lingo and he dont get wat am sayin in english!!
 
Lonely Gal said:
He says he wants to do wateva i say, but I want him to be independant and tell me what he wants or thinks..
having a comunication problems don't help either, I cant express myself in my own lingo and he dont get wat am sayin in english!!
Click to expand...

oh you got married back home?

well its ok i mean at least the guys trying to please you. I think if he socialises with likeminded brothers he'll adapt to our way of life and might become more suitable for you?

tell him to learn english!... or maybe you can fix up his language?


you said you've been trying for 6 months, have you guys ever gone away together? coz that might help...


Assalamu Alaikum
 
yeh bak home.. i told him to learn the lingo but he dint listen to, I think I new this would have an effect dats y I kept tryna push him but he dint listen..
I can speak the lingo but have issues in saying things in the correct way without him gettin the wrong idea..
when I am around him, im a total cow.. i cant be nyc.. summat happens to me..
i'm not the person i was before marriage...I never thort i could end up being like this to anyone
 
^ sis have you asked Allah to bestow love and mercy in between you both?

i mean your prayin n that right?

i think you should stop being a cow also, i mean if you find it hard to be around him then you guys really need to have a session of serious communication! TALK! you know talking does wonders, but do EVERYTHING bismillah (in the name of ALlaah) !


it just seems like a compatibility issue, my advice is stick it out a bit more, ask Allah for help and guidance <-- Important ! and if things still dont seem to look up... consult an imaam.



still... plz be nice to him, or talk to him properly. dont go crazy..


Assalamu Alaikum
 
Yes am always askin Allah swt to help make me a better person and make it work.. i really dnt wana b horrible but it jus happens.. as silly as that sounds.. i really try not to and it does just happen..
 
^ did he do anything to hurt you?

maybe theres something inside which is preventing you from being nice?!

or maybe its just the way he looks and acts? which can be changed...
 
asalam alaikum wr wb,

Sis, I really feel for you and totally understand where you're coming from. Since you say the problem is with you, I advise you to give your marriage a little more time. That is because you may have a change of heart and accept him for the way he is. Your husband might be under the false impression that he will win your heart by being the way he is. You can tell him what you expect from him.

However, I'm a great believer in practicality. So, as you're in the doldrums about him at present, my practical advice is to not let yourself get pregnant. It will make things alot more complicated if you do decide to get divorced later. And it won't be fair on the child.


Like I said sis, give your marriage a chance. The main thing is that he is not harming you or doing wrong to you. Talk to him about how you feel. If after all you do not find any compatibility with him and fear that you will do injustice to him and yourself then you are entitled to divorce as there is more harm than good by staying in this marriage.


See here:

Islam does not want to impose an unbearable burden on women by forcing them to marry a man they dislike, because it wants marriages to be successful, based on compatibility between the partners; there should be common ground between them in terms of physical looks, attitudes, habits, inclinations and aspirations. If something goes wrong, and the woman feels that she cannot love her husband sincerely, and fears that she may commit the sin of disobeying and opposing this husband whom she does not love, then she may ask for a divorce. This is confirmed by the report in which the wife of Thabit ibn Qays ibn Shammas, Jamilah the sister of ‘Abdullah ibn Ubayy, came to the Prophet (Pbuh) and said: “O Messenger of Allah, I have nothing against Thabit ibn Qays as regards his religion or his behaviour, but I hate to commit any act of kufr when I am a Muslim. The Prophet (Pbuh) said: “Will you give his garden back to him?” - her mahr had been a garden. She said, “Yes.” So the Messenger of Allah sent word to him: “Take back your garden, and give her one pronouncement of divorce.” (Fath al-Bari, 9/395, Kitab al-talaq, bab al-khul’.)
Click to expand...


And for your peace of mind that you have that right, and any other questions, consult a scholar as bro IbnAbdulHakim mentioned. And sis, please feel free to PM if you want to talk.


wa alaikum asalam wr wb.
 
i just feel as we have become stuck into a routine so early, and there's nthing between us,
I don't satisfy him, there is no romance in our lives and knowing that, he deserves someone better, and I wish I could say that but its not poss.
Divorce would lead me no where.. My entire generation would hate me, half already do.
he hasn't hurt me, but sometimes i feel there is something else going on with him and a family relative.. how do i get this doubt out of my head..
 
Sometimes i have felt like gettin preg, jus so that I have something of my own, someone to love, and care. and someone who needs me.
I know this is wrong so this is on hold. only fair I bring a child into this world when there is happiness
 
:salamext:

Have u tried to change/make sacrifices to make the relationship work?
 
There is something inside me that switches and Im a total diff person.
When i be a cow, i realise and think I won't do this again but den it happens..
i feel guilty and sh*t for the way I am.. i just wisj tjere was summat that could change things, seeing so many cuples around so happy makes it soo hard..
 
yes i feel as if i have.. even tho more prob can be done..
but not connectin is a big issue
 
:salamext:

Work out what you are going to say and talk to him. If you can't, write it on a piece of paper. You have to communicate.
 
he says he loves me etc and i cant stand when he does!
how can he love me wen i aint even nice to him???
Is there any duas that you guys know to make a relationship longer.. get rid of my bitterness etc??
 

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