Marriage is impossible for me

[Studentofdeed]

I have a problem. I want to get married but my parents will not let me. They keep saying I am not ready. They do not even seen interested and or even keen on looking for someone. They rely on me getting accepted to some good grad school then they will "try to find someone" for me. I ask them how they intend to do it but they say we will worry about it when we get there. This has got me frustrated and gotten in several arguments with my family as result of this. It does not matter if I am of decent character, or honest, or good at school, or even religous. None of that matters because my mom keeps saying people only care about money. They could careless about your personality. If I do not get married it will make it harder and make me beyond miserable. I do not want to fall into sin especially in the west from people dress inappropriately. This is the reason when marriage is delayed, so many young people fall in the fitnah of zina and haram relationships. People say make dua to Allah but when you make dua to Allah you have to do your part as well in looking for a spouse. How can I make dua to Allah when I cannot do my part. My mother refuses to let me speak to the imam to help me find someone or ask around for someone. She insists on finding someone who is "perfect". As if there are anyone who is...please advise me what to do. Do not just say be patient and do as your parent says...I am trying to be obedient but when your in the peak of your age surrounded by haram isnt it your duty to get married to protect yourself?

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The sad thing is every time I mess up or make a small mistake my family accuses me of being a poor Muslim and says all the prayers I do and extra good deeds are useless. I know i am not perfect, I know I get upset but what should I do? Should I just abandon my Hope's in getting married and having a family? The only reason I abandoned going to med school is because my mother would refuse to let me get married despite many people going to med school with kids. So i decided to try to go into dentistry which is much shorter than med school. Then when i get upset I ask Allah to just take my life so as a lesson my family can learn how wrong they were. I get mocked , made fun of, and ridiculed whenever I try to encourage them to be good muslims. When I ask to get married they make fun of me even more and make jokes about me in front of others.

 

[ZeeshanParvez]

Your parents are completely wrong. There is no second opinion about that.

There is no one perfect.


Parents today follow the kuffaar in their ways. They want you to make a big name for yourself before you can get married. Most do it because they want to show you off to the world and say look my son is a doctor. Look my son is an engineer.

By doing so they put your aakhirah at risk. Can you believe it? Our own parents put us in situations which can lead us to hell. Most never wake up their children for fajr. They don't get you married on time. They want to show you off to the world so they look good.


It is quite disturbing.


You are right. Your parents are wrong.


But remember this, when all doors close and their is nothing you can do, then dua alone is sufficient. If you have means you can adopt and then you only make dua, then someone can say why are you relying on only dua and not doing your bit.


In your case the means have been closed.


Do not lose hope. That is not the way of the believer. Read the story of Yusuf (peace be upon him). His father kept making dua. He never lost hope. He said only the kaafirs despair from the Mercy of Allaah. And one day, Allaah united him with his son, Yusuf (peace be upon him).

Do not give up. Keep making dua. Preach to your parents and tell them what they are doing is wrong. When they make fun of you or laugh at you, remain silent. Then, preach to them again. They need to be reminded that the approach they have taken is an un-Islamic one. Remind them over and over again with politeness.

You will be surprised how powerful repetition can be.

 

[Studentofdeed]

I have but they still will not let me marry. I know they care for me but sadly it seems marriage is not for me. I fear for myself and feel I may fall into haram. I doing all I can but it's so hard...

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The imam himself has told me there are many nice religious girls he knows, I understand what my parents are saying but delaying my marriage is not going to help but make it worse. My mother says she knows I will not do haram but still does not understand the toll it takes on my mind. I would like to get engaged soon and marriaged and have my wife come with me to grad school but she says how can we dare ask anyone for you because right now you are nothing because you havent become doctor or anything. It's really frustrating, I know my mother cares for me but it still makes me feel miserable. To know that marriage is something that may not happen or is maybe 5 or 6 years down the road. Especially when I am in the peak of my life and old enough. I am mature enough and behave properly. I am loyal and I would never dare to mistreat anyone. But sadly thay does not matter in today's world. No one really cares if I am honest or religous. It really does discourage me to look for marriage when people care only about money or race. I know I have alot to be thankful in life and I am not angry at Allah SWT at all but I really do wish to have a family. But sometimes I feel maybe this a punishment or maybe Allah is displeased with me

 

[xboxisdead]

You may be in an age where you need marriage. Use this opportunity by doing lots of fasting. When you fast a lot your desires to drop down. Usually after certain age men's desire for marriage drop and he live happy without it. You could try to seek for that age number and when you have clearer mind and he achieved your education and made some money then you can decide at that point if you still want marriage or not.

 

[Studentofdeed]

You want me to fast until I have no desire at all so i choose to not marry? This is not want I want. I do want to get married and have a family

 

[xboxisdead]

You want me to fast until I have no desire at all so i choose to not marry? This is not want I want. I do want to get married and have a family

You are not thinking rationally now. My advice is fast, drop your desires now...clear your head. Study, exercise, achieve well...then sit down and focus a proper first before jumping to marriage. A wrong spouse is worse than being single and have no lineage.

 

[Zafran]

how old are you?

 

[Studentofdeed]

23 yeare old

 

[xboxisdead]

23 yeare old

I fought those urges myself at that age. I had things to distract my mind. I swear, at that age if I told my mom I wanted to get married she would tell me I am immature, I am too young, you don't understand the seriousness of handling responsibility of getting married..no family is going to give their daughter to you, you need to finish in university, make lots of money, run your own business. My mom tells me that if you do not own your own company no one is going to trust their daughters to you. You still are immature, working under a company as an employee...making peanut dollars..

You see because girls are more valued than boys and they are treasures and boys are mud and dirt...a boy have to proof his worth to be worthy of the female presence. No family is going to give their daughter to you. That is what I learned...especially if the girl is better than me in character, religion and beauty...those are the forbidden fruit. She only should get married to prophets or friends of the prophets...average men like us are not worthy of her presence.

So I developed not interested in marriage long time ago..and now I am 39 year old...happy not even craving it. I realized marriage is not everything. A wife is not everything and children don't belong to you anyways.

I just had to hit the 25 year old mark and get myself distracted with other things and now marriage is old history for me ;D I am happy without it.

Now..I am not saying you should do like me...I am saying you should develop independence from your parents, to do that..get the education completed, get yourself a job and leave your parents home. Have an apartment for yourself and then from there you do not need to ask your parent's permission..you are not living under their roof...find a wife on your own, get married and then invite your parents to the wedding. Your mother have no right to be angry from you. Because you are doing this to please Allah (Subhanahu Wa Talaa) and to avoid fitna and zina and haraam. So if I was...fast now...control your desire and move out of your family's home by finishing school, getting education and then living alone.

 

[Ahmed.]

Bruv your family do not mock you, they probably laugh because of your 'desperate' attitude. You should feel shy of constantly asking to get married as basically you're telling them I'm desperate for se*'

Be a man bro and learn to handle yourself. If you can't fast, stick it out for another couple of years until your parents are financially ready to get you married.

 

[piXie]

:salamext:

Maa shaa Allah , what an inspiration! In a society where it is so easy to fall into fitnah , there r still those few sincere ones who seek Allahs protection and safeguard themselves. How appreciative Allah must feel towards them, that they restrain themselves only for the sake of Allah. May Allah keep them pure, strong and sincere for there are few youth like them. May Allah assist them in safeguarding & completing their eemaan.

Brother, this is not an easy trial especially when the family doesn't understand , but pls not feel discouraged for Allah :swt: has promised us in the Quran

“And whosoever fears Allah and keeps his duty to Him, He will make a way for him to get out (from every difficulty). And He will provide for him from sources he never could imagine. And whosoever puts his trust in Allah, then He will suffice him. Verily, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Indeed Allah has set a measure for all things.” (Surah At-Talaq 65:2-3)

Do not limit Allah’s Power by saying that it is impossible for you to get married. Make dua to Him, for He has power over all matters - then try your best to pursue all halal means towards marriage - speak to the Imam etc. even if it will (initially) displease your family. But what's important is that you please Allah. May Allah correct your affairs & guide you towards what is best.

 

[ardianto]

In my culture if a man wants to get married, he is required to already have his own income. Not only because a husband must able to provide his family needs, but also because the woman's parents do not allow a man who hasn't had a job to marry their daughter.

How about in your culture?. ..... You are still study and haven't had a job, don't you?.

 

[CuriousonTruth]

Bruv your family do not mock you, they probably laugh because of your 'desperate' attitude. You should feel shy of constantly asking to get married as basically you're telling them I'm desperate for se*'

No discretion i see. Thats one way to tell the truth.

 

[Studentofdeed]

They are my parents. I am not shy because they are my parents. I respect them and tell them everything and do not hide anything from them. I only say this that I wanted to get engaged then once I get accepted then I will take my wife with me to grad school and after grad school I will get a job. It's very crucial for me to get engaged and marriaged within these years. Please tell me how is it any more respectable or better than the boys who go around messing with girls in college and ruining women lives and getting pregnant? Why am I being mocked? Should a man not be honest and sincere? I am not perfect but I am doing everything I can to follow Islam and be a good people. This is the advice you would give to all those sincere Muslim men who are trying to be good? To not marry and fast themselves til they have no desires? While the men who arent religious get to go around causing havoc?

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This is the reason why so many men and women fall into zina. Because parents and family make it hard to marry and the community discourages those who are trying to be religous. Making haram easy and halal hard.

 

[xboxisdead]

Revise it to:

Brother...when your mom said that girls want men with money, she is saying it from the female point of view. Even if there are sisters here who will jump wagon at me and say that is not true and shout, "That is the minority! Not all! Not every girl! etc..." the only person who truly spoke the truth is your mother. It came from a woman's mouth, ok? And she is a female!! My advice is to fast! Control your desires! Ever thought for ones that the girl for you is not now.... Instead of pushing left and right for marriage...exercise patience. Take this time to exercise self-control for Allah's pleasure, pray, fast for Allah's pleasure..focus on getting closer to Allah (Subhanahu Wa talaa) increase your imaan and build yourself right now. Form self independence where you can leave your home and live alone....you don't need your mother or father's approval then...and you can marry and pick and choose who you want at that point.

I prefer if you drop your desires enough that you can think clearly when you pick a mate and not pick one right away to fulfill your desires and regret it later in your marriage. When you drop your desires, you can be picky. You can see the flaws of that person right away and do better judgment to decide if she is your wife or not.

 

[Zafran]

23 yeare old

I feel for your - In the past people just married within the tribe and it was arranged at a young age - today people seem to have too many demands. May Allah swt give you strength and patience.

 

[xboxisdead]

Heheh! At least Studentofdeed get his closure at the end and resolved his marriage issue. We are glad to be of service! ;D

 

[Mayameen]

Walaikum Salaam
Allah says one should fast if they can't marry right away, it helps controls desires. You are a man search for your own wife. The companions looked for wives, as well they didn't just wait for someone to do it for them, now if someone had a daughter who needed to be marry they would ask on behalf of the daughter. A sister needs her wali's approval at the same time she has a say in who she marries. Brothers don't need there parent, Islamic when the Imam said I know sisters looking to marry, it was ok for you to ask about the sisters, to get information you need and to give the Imam information about you, he could share with the sisters' walis. You make Istikharah, yes fast, read Qur'an, lower your gaze and read how the Sahabahs and our beloved Prophet(Sallahu Alayhi wa Sallam) married. They are your best of examples. Make sure your family is not following cultural. As a brother you don't have to wait for you parents, you do the search. Trust in Allah's guidance and prepare for either out come. The Prophet(Sallahu Alayhi wa Sallam) said when two righteous people want to marry let them marry or be prepare of the destruction of the Ummah. Make your intention first and foremost for the sake of Allah.
'' Tell the believing men to lower their gaze and be modest. That is purer for them. Lo! Allah is aware of what they do.''(Qur'an 24:31) The Prophet(Sallahu Alathi wa Sallam)said''there is no celibacy in Islam.'' The Prophet(Sallahu Alayhi wa Sallam) said''Marriage is my tradition who so ever keeps away there from in not from amongst me.''
A man, however should not marry if he does not possess the means to maintain a wife and future family, or if he has no sex drive, etc. The Prophet(Sallahu Alayhi wa Sallam)said if a person fears that he or she does not marry they will commit zina, then marriage becomes ''wajid.'' If the person has strong sexual urges then it becomes wajid for that person to marry.Marriage should not be put off or delayed especially if one has the means to do so. He(Sallahu Alayhi wa Sallam)said ''when a man marries, he has fulfilled half his deen, so let him fear Allah regarding the remaining half.''