Salam to all. Thank you for the replies and advises.
I have been trying and searching for a Sheik in my region to seek guidance from but I can't seem to get one. They are only available during work hours (9am to 6pm) and unable to accommodate after work hours.
I agree with some that my story might be biased towards me so most of us will have a conclusion that my husband is not worth it and maybe it is best that marriage has ended.
To answer tuoba, I will try to share the other side of the story and my response to them. My husband told me that he has been unhappy with me for a very long time and has resented a lot of things that I did and thinks that I will never change.
1. I grew up in a culture where it is normal to tease one another. Tease about someone's hairstyle, clothes, weight, almost about anything. And the delivery would always be an obvious way that it was a tease, a joke.
- My husband feels that I am criticising him by doing that
- With his friends doing the same and my husband never talked to me about it, I thought it was okay. But in reality, he has taken them all personally and thinks that I am insensitive.
2. I spoke to my husband before of the idea of us moving out from his parents and suggest living on our own.
- He said he is the eldest and he takes the responsibility of taking care of them when they are old so he feels that I did not consider that
- I did not mean that we leave them. My primary reason is for us to learn to be independent from them. It can be temporary, just for us to build our own foundation.
- I also want to experience the feeling of doing all the household chores for him. Living with his parents, we have the luxury of having almost anything very handy and having a maid do almost everything for us. My husband even hardly notices that there are things that are also done by me.
- I even have to compete cooking with his mother or the maid because he will always compare
3. I am a vocal person. I speak out whatever is inside my head. My parents brought me up to not be scared of dreaming or hoping for things. And work hard to have them if I really want to.
- I often tell my husband that one day, I want us to travel to different places. Or what are the things that I would like to have if we have the means. But I am not telling him that I want him to give that to me. I know that we are in debt, that we have bills to pay. I am not demanding anything from him.
- Again, he took things seriously. He feels pressured and says that I am asking too much from him
- He could not even think of anything that I REALLY asked from him to give or buy me. I do not possess anything extravagant. I do not spend my money on anything fancy. My only priceless possessions are those gifts he gave me long time ago. And I did not ask for anything more.
4. My husband says that I am not sincere in learning and practicing Islam
- Considering again the fact that I grew up with strong Christian background, I did have a lot of resistance in the past
- He initially told me that I do not have to convert but got caught in situation where I had no choice so the resistance got even worse
- I have attended the Basic Islam classes three times and I did not have the heart to learn to pray... but because I do want to be with him and I am very thankful I have a supportive family who accepts me for whatever I choose. The right time came and I converted.
- One issue he raised is my fasting during Ramadan. I have difficulty fulfilling it because of my stomach ulcer. He asks me to say the intention and I should be able to get through it. I have tried, God knows I sincerely tried but I really have medical condition. He feels that I am not exerting much effort.
- He also suggested that I go for Arabic classes so that I will learn how to read the Quran. I asked him if it is possible to learn and understand the Quran in English first. I asked him to be patient and make him understand that I am like a child that I have to take steps one at a time.
- He says that whatever I do, he is the one bearing my sins. Is asking for understanding to take small steps in Islam really that grave?
- If he looked through our years of marriage, he should have seen the progress I have made but it seems that all those did not matter.
5. Above issues bring us to him feeling that I disobey and disrespect him.
- He told me that in Islam, I should always listen and obey my husband. I should not question him and he has the right to go anywhere he wants and comes back anytime he wants.
- He often talks to me in an authoritative manner: "I am the husband" attitude. And so if he does that, I feel hurt and will in turn be stubborn. He even asks me to consult an Islamic teacher to justify what he told me. That I have not been a good Islamic wife.
- Which confuses me because after a few counseling from different Islamic groups, I realised how the Quran clearly states how the husband and wife should treat each other.
- I always ask him not to talk to me that way but he still does. We often end up being angry with each other - I will not talk to him and keep quiet - one, two days - and then we will be okay again.
- Having seen him talk to his parents the same way, I learned to accept that he is just who he. Unfortunately for him, when I keep quiet, he feels that I am teaching him a lesson and I am trying to change him. He does not seem to understand that it is painful for me if he talks to me that way.
6. He feels that I complain too much and I made making love a troublesome task for him
- During our Marriage Preparation Course, we were given a background on what are our responsibilities towards each other
- I also clearly remember that even if we are already married, we should try our best to make ourselves attractive for each other, that we should try to make our partner comfortable in bed, etc
- I do not like the smell of cigarette so I did ask for him to brush/clean up before he sleeps with me. Also, he does not agree in foreplay, which I constantly tells him I need it - so he feels that I am too demanding and making love becomes too laborious for him
- When I don't feel the urge to be in bed with him, he feels that I have taken him for granted. What about my need? I feel neglected too. I explained that we should compromise and learn to give and take but he hates it when I tell him what he should do.
These are the major reasons why he said he is divorcing me. He feels that I can no longer do anything about it and I will not change. Sorry if my further story will still make most of you swing to my side again.
But if we analyse the story, there is a major problem on communication and cultural differences which if properly addressed and discussed, we can still do something about it.
After the talaq, I have been constantly reading, seeking advice from teachers, sisters, religious groups to try to understand why can't he forgive me. The least he could have done is maybe seek advice from a Sheik or Islamic scholar as well. But he instead just turned his back and walked away.
I am just human. I make mistakes. But I can change and strive to be a better person. Even God knows how to forgive. Why can't he?
sister i just read through your reply i think i can understand about the insensitive behavour. some men are actually really insecure about there looks and really sensitive believe me that teasing turns hearts extremely sour. the prophet mohammad saw teaches us not to do these stuff did you know that even if you are just joking it still is not a good trait to have. alot of men would not want that in a wife.
all the best for the future.
