Marriage

[smughal87]

Asalamualikum brothers and sisters

I am writing this message because I need some advice/ guidance on the subject of marriage. I have recently graduated from University and during my final year of studying I have met a boy who I have fallen in love with. We have tried to make the relationship as halal as possible and we have been together for 8 months now.

My intentions of going to university have always been clean, in the sense that i went to study, i socialised with freinds from time to time but my main focus was on my studies. I never thought i would ever in my entire life meet somebody with whom i could connect so well. The problem is that I am very scared to tell my parents. This is beginnign to emotionally drain me with worry because i have got very strong feelings for this person, and he has become an important part of my life. He feels the same too.

My parents have brought me up to understand that i was not to have relationships with males as it is wrong in Islam, i do accept this and always have. The fact that I may have found a potential life partner for myself would upset my parents. I really don't want to upset them in this way and I would never ever jump into making decisions for myself without asking my parents first or letting them know what was going on. I dont want time to get longer and longer and i really would like to tell my parents, at least suggest it to them about this person. I dont know what to do or how to go about it, i dont even know if what i am saying is even accepted in islam?? Please could somebody shine some light for me, i am really very upset in myself.

Thankyou, Allahafiz.

 

[أبو سليمان عمر]

first inshallah we should know that
Question:

What is the view of the religion concerning [premarital] relations?
Answer:

If the questioner means by “before marriage,” before consummation of the marriage but after the contract, then there is no harm in such relations since she is his wife by virtue of the contract, even though they have not decorously consummated the marriage. However, if it is before the marriage, such as during the period of engagement or otherwise, such contact is forbidden and impermissible. It is not allowed for a man to enjoy a non-related women’s company, either by speech, look or private company. It is confirmed the Prophet (sallallaahu ‘alaihi-wasallam) said,

''A man cannot be alone with a women except in the presence of [one of her] mahram . And a women cannot travel except with a mahram .'' [1]

In sum, if that contact or association is after contract, there is no harm in it. If it is before the marriage ceremony, even if it is after the proposal and acceptance, it is not allowed. Such behaviour is forbidden for him since the women is a non-relative and non-wife until they conclude the marriage contract.

________________________

[1] Recorded Muslim.Al-Bukhari has something similar.

Shaykh Muhammad bin Saalih al-`Uthaymeen
Islamic Fatawa Regarding Women - Darussalam Pg. 195-196
But khayr inshallah it has happened and should stop asap but now


What is more stable in Islam, a love marriage or an arranged marriage?

Praise be to Allaah.

The issue of this marriage depends on the ruling on what came before it. If the love between the two parties did not transgress the limits set by Allaah or make them commit sin, then there is the hope that the marriage which results from this love will be more stable, because it came about as the result of the fact that each of them wanted to marry the other.

If a man feels some attraction towards a woman whom it is permissible for him to marry her, and vice versa, there is no answer to the problem except marriage. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “We do not think that there is anything better for those who love one another than marriage.” (Narrated by Ibn Maajah, 1847; classed as saheeh by al-Busayri and by Shaykh al-Albaani in al-Silsilah al-Saheehah, 624)
Al-Sindi said, as noted in Haamish Sunan Ibn Maajah:

The phrase “We do not think that there is anything better for those who love one another than marriage” may be understood to refer to two or to more than two. What this means is that if there is love between two people, that love cannot be increased or made to last longer by anything like marriage. If there is marriage as well as that love, that love will increase and grow stronger every day.”

But if that marriage comes about as a result of an illicit love relationship, such as when they meet and are alone together and kiss one another, and other haraam actions, then it will never be stable, because they committed actions that go against sharee’ah and because they have built their lives on things that will have the effect of reducing blessings and support from Allaah, for sin is a major factor in reducing blessings, even though some people think, because of the Shaytaan’s whispers, that falling in love and doing haraam deeds makes marriage stronger.

Moreover, these illicit relationships that take place before marriage will be a cause to make each party doubtful about the other. The husband will think that his wife may possibly have a similar relationship with someone else, and even if he thinks it unlikely, he will still be troubled by the fact that his wife did do something wrong with him. And the same thoughts may occur to the wife too, and she will think that her husband could possibly have an affair with another woman, and even if she thinks it unlikely, she will still be troubled by the fact that her husband did something wrong with her.

So each partner will live in a state of doubt and suspicion, which will ruin their relationship sooner or later.

The husband may condemn his wife for having agreed to have a relationship with him before marriage, which will be upsetting for her, and this will cause their relationship to deteriorate.

Hence we think that if a marriage is based upon an illicit premarital relationship, it will most likely be unstable and will not be successful.
taken from islamqa

So with seeing this we know that the relationship should stop asap and that if it is love as mentioned at the beginning he should come talk to ur wali and u should try to convince your wali if he disagrees for there is no marrige with out a wali if the relationship countiunes it can only get uglier so May Allah increase us in iman and make our hearts firm in islam May Allah make it easy on you to do the right thing Ameen

 

[AlbanianMuslim]

I think you need to be honest with your parents. I think or i mean i hope they will be like my parents.

My father was extremely strict to the point where we began to have serious issues. I decided at one point that i needed to be 100% honest with him whether he liked what he heard or not.
I never went to extremes, but i was always honest about how i felt about marriage, etc.


Recently i met a young man at a masjid event. He is of the same culture as me and we were pleasantly surprised to meet eachother.
Since then we corresponded little, but he called one day and asked if he could come see me. He lives in another state.
I told him i wont meet him without him meeting my father too. He agreed to it.
I sat with both my parents one night and told them.
My father was not happy, but he was not angry. I told him that i would have preferred i be introduced by a family member and all that, but these days it is so hard to find a religious man.
I told him that i am telling him because i want to do it the right way. He was apprehensive but he met the man anyway.
He immediately liked him. They even went to pray at the masjid together the day they met each other.



I think if you have a good relationship with your parents and explain to them the circumstances as well as the fact that you kept it hallal...they will be understanding.
Parents love their children, and fear for them. Just stay calm and be honest.

 

[13th Yarba]

I remember the university days myself very well. I studied many hundreds of miles away from the family home and i believe it is during this time that i really grew into an independant person. it felt liberating to set my own agenda for once and also to be able to mix with like-minded people of a similar age - for me it was a truly wonderful time. looking back i can appreciate how that capsule of time stands apart from the rest of my life, both before and after university, and how important it was in shaping my personality and my future.

In affairs of the heart no one person can provide all the answers that you seek - only you can do that by being honest with yourself and your emotions. The time may not be right to expose your inner feelings to the world at large but you and your male friend have all the time in the world to de-tangle your feelings about each other.

My advice would be to relax, take your time, and see how you feel about each other in the future, maybe next year. Afterall the 12 months following graduation is a critical time in your lives as you will both need to make sure that you put your new qualifications to the best possible use. any extra pressures or worries you give yourself will not help your career plans.

I would say that if you still felt strongly about each other in the future, having been seperated by time and distance, than a true love would be a terrible thing to waste, and if it doesnt work out you will always cherish each others friendship as you found each other at such wonderous time in your lives.:statisfie

 

[MSalman]

wa'alaykum as-sallam

sister, have you done istikhara or asked a trustworthy person to do for you? Make sure that this is not from shaytan.

if you are planing to get married (which you should otherwise you will be further falling into the traps of the shaytan), then you should tell the brother to tell his wali to talk to your wali (your father). Or the brother can directly talk to your father and ask for your hand. The halal way always brings peace, ease and happiness.

If the above is not possible then you could talk to your parents slowly and slowly by starting the marriage topic and checking what they say about your marriage or what have you. This way you can push yourself in by listening to what they and then allow them to listen to your suggestions as well

If that is not even possible, then you should cut all kinds of ties with brother and close all doors which will lead to haraam.

The shabab (youth) tends to think these kinds of relationships are halal as long as we do not meet in person, hug, kiss, etc. It is a big trap of shaytan, he slowly and slowly makes us commit sins which would lead us to bigger sins so we always need to double check.

Reminder for every one of us: do not expect any help from Allah in a matter until you leave that which is haraam

 

[cat eyes]

Asalamualikum brothers and sisters

I am writing this message because I need some advice/ guidance on the subject of marriage. I have recently graduated from University and during my final year of studying I have met a boy who I have fallen in love with. We have tried to make the relationship as halal as possible and we have been together for 8 months now.

My intentions of going to university have always been clean, in the sense that i went to study, i socialised with freinds from time to time but my main focus was on my studies. I never thought i would ever in my entire life meet somebody with whom i could connect so well. The problem is that I am very scared to tell my parents. This is beginnign to emotionally drain me with worry because i have got very strong feelings for this person, and he has become an important part of my life. He feels the same too.

My parents have brought me up to understand that i was not to have relationships with males as it is wrong in Islam, i do accept this and always have. The fact that I may have found a potential life partner for myself would upset my parents. I really don't want to upset them in this way and I would never ever jump into making decisions for myself without asking my parents first or letting them know what was going on. I dont want time to get longer and longer and i really would like to tell my parents, at least suggest it to them about this person. I dont know what to do or how to go about it, i dont even know if what i am saying is even accepted in islam?? Please could somebody shine some light for me, i am really very upset in myself.

Thankyou, Allahafiz.

id love to tell you that its great an all that you met some one in your last year of study.. it sounds great but i cannot say that. the only advice you can ever rely on is the prophet mohammad's advice. its true the blessings are reduced when you do haraam things before marriage but shaytaan whispers in our hearts and tells us that is okay he tells us that there is nothing wrong in fallling in love before marriage but there is alot wrong in it. if a perosn has no religious morals before marriage, he will not have any during the marriage either thats why so many relations of this nature end in divorce sister.
i would take the advice from the second post the brother has told you and i would find a man who you did not do haraam with and has respect and follow's islam strictly, it is best for you.