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Thread: Marriage
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anonymous

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There is a brother I kno who wants to marry. He prays 5 times a day and had good knowledge. Only problem is he doesn't have much money as he just spends his money. he can't seem to save. He cannot afford a place of his own to rent but can offer me live with his aunty until he is stable. We are not married but he refuses to give me his money to look after or even his family members. Before becoming pious he took a loan which he is still paying off.
He gives a lot of dawah and helps people come towards Islam.

But he told me he would like to go see his parents everyday and he plays a lot of sport and goes Islamic classes. Even on weekend he wants to see his family in evenings. I think this is excessive as it seems he can't support me nor make the time I want from a husband. Shall I decline this proposal or an I demanding?
 
I don't think it's demanding to want some sort of security. However, nobody can answer for you. Pray Salatul Istikarah.
 
Character wise he sounds like a pious brother, but I can only advise you to be wary about this offer to live with his aunty. As a man he should not be depending on others for support, living in his aunties home will put you in situation where you'll be in debt to her and she might have high expectations from you in terms of doing work for her.

Also from what you've described he sounds like a brother who occupies a lot of his time in islamic work and other activities, which is not a problem, but there are such people who spend excessive time in daw'ah and islamic classes but instead of finding work they choose live off benefits and govt support. Just take these factors into account when making your decision sis, all depends on what lifestyle you'd like to live and how much you can adjust.
 
Do I have the right to my own house? Please use quotes from Quran or Hadith.
He wanted me to live with his parents, a younger brother lives there and his sister comes round everyday with her two children. It's a bit much so he said his aunties which is better than his parents house.

Also he has a full time job so he won't live off benefits but I'm afraid that him going to Islamic classes and giving dawah he will neglect me. I tell him he shouldn't go so much when married but then he accuses me of taking him away from Islam!!!

Isitkahra from his side (someone else did it) came out positive. So what shall I do?
 
anonymous said:
Do I have the right to my own house? Please use quotes from Quran or Hadith.
He wanted me to live with his parents, a younger brother lives there and his sister comes round everyday with her two children. It's a bit much so he said his aunties which is better than his parents house.

Also he has a full time job so he won't live off benefits but I'm afraid that him going to Islamic classes and giving dawah he will neglect me. I tell him he shouldn't go so much when married but then he accuses me of taking him away from Islam!!!

Isitkahra from his side (someone else did it) came out positive. So what shall I do?
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If he has a stable income and you think he'll eventually be able to provide you with a home then I'd say go for it. Try not to worry about his other activities, he'll learn to balance things out once you're married.

Make sure you do your own istikhara too
 
Also he has a full time job so he won't live off benefits but I'm afraid that him going to Islamic classes and giving dawah he will neglect me. I tell him he shouldn't go so much when married but then he accuses me of taking him away from Islam!!!
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Giving dawah and going to classes are obviously reward-worthy but it is also important to set the family affairs in order.

From hadith, we are told that the best of men are those who are kindest to their wives. Spending quality time with wife is an act of kindness. He should be told that InshaAllah he'd earn reward if he were to spend time with you, over other commitments (he can cut back on non-deeni stuff, at least).

Isitkahra from his side (someone else did it) came out positive. So what shall I do?
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You're the one who is in confusion here, it would be better if you did it yourself or got someone pious you know to do it on your behalf.
 
It's a big step as I'll be moving 3 hours away from
Family and friends.
In the past two years I have known him he has never saved and his family are slight interferers!!
He also says his friends and family are his priority over me.
 
What Hadith does it say beat reward comes from spending time with wife. Please quote.
 
anonymous said:
It's a big step as I'll be moving 3 hours away from
Family and friends.
In the past two years I have known him he has never saved and his family are slight interferers!!
He also says his friends and family are his priority over me.
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What do you want people to say here, sister? It's your choice, at the end of the day. Nobody can decide for you. It actually seems you already dislike the idea of marrying him. Possibly want us to confirm this for you so you've listed out some of what you think are his negative attributes?

Like I said, do istikhara and go from there.
 
anonymous said:
What Hadith does it say beat reward comes from spending time with wife. Please quote.
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I didn't say best reward comes from spending time with wife. I said best amongst men is the one who is kindest to his wife.

Hadhrat Aisha (R.A.) reports that Rasulullah (saw) said, “One of those Iman is the most complete is he whose behavior is best towards his wife and who is most compassionate.” (Mishkat pg. 282)

Hadhrat Aisha (R.A.) narrates that Nabi (sallahllahu alaihi wa sallam) said, “The best of you is he who is the best towards his wife, and I am the best towards my wives.” (Mishkaat pg.281)
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Quoted here.
 
anonymous said:
What Hadith does it say beat reward comes from spending time with wife. Please quote.
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As'Salaamu Alaaykum

There is a hadeeth where the Prophet (Sallaahu 'Alaayhi wa Salam) said :"The best amongst you are those who are best to your wives"

Sister, he has to realise your a priority also, taking care of wife and giving time to her is part of the deen, as da'wah is important, and so should the family i.e. wife,his family, even your family.

The criteria should be you respecting your family and he should respect yours, not giving anyone priority over the other if this is done properly, one is practising their deen properly. You should respect another even if they dont respect you. i hope i make sense insha'Allaah.

perform Ishtikarah as adviced already.

I hope everything goes well for you sis, i understand it is a difficult situation to be in.
 
Salaam dear sis,
I certainly agree with all the sentiments sister Jewel of Wisdom brought up; If you are not a priority to him then I don't know why he wants to marry you in first place' God said that the Marriage should ensure : Mercy and Tranquility I'm not sure if that would be available so I can't speak for you I don't know what traits you would like in a Husband but Do Istikhara and the Prophet Peace and blessings be upon him said: One should leave Doubts for Certain. If you have doubts don't take a decision that you might regret later.

May Allah Protect you and give you that which is best

Salaam
 
Having your own accomodation is expensive and if he is young and just starting out in life there's no way he's gonna be able to afford it, alot of women don't want to live in the same house of the in laws but realistically is there another solution? I doubt he wants to take a mortgage out and renting is just dead money that he could be saving for a house. I would rather live with my parents and pocket £500 every month or however much rent is, and save it for a house instead of paying it in rent.

Maybe if you looked for an older man he would be able to provide you with your own accomodation, or you could meet his parents and family to see how they are and if you get on with them, maybe they will become like your mum and dad and you'll learn to love them as much as he does and actually enjoy living under the same roof as them.

In my culture it's common for the wife to move in with the in laws because not many men want to be burdended with a mortgage that might take them to hell and they see rent as dead money.
 
Yes i do understand.
i am just scared - my parents have not found me anyone and do not know anyone and i met this brother but im afraid of the commitment because of his negative. i am scared he will neglect me for his friends as they mean everything to him (religious brothers) an he always wants to go see his family everyday so i am just afraid he will not give me my time. i always wanted a lifestyle where i lived with my husband seperatley and where we both can increase deen together and respect both families and visit frequently but obviously give each other more time. but it seems i want something that most people dont or i certainly cannot find it.

i think an earlier poster made a valid point - i think maybe i am picking on negative things so i know if i say no its the right decision. i dont know.
i have the last week off in ramdhan and next week inshallah i will perform istikhara and see what the outcome is.
 
i dont mind renting or living with his aunty - but his house there are way too many people and we will never have our own space and privacy. and his family interfere a lot. i am also willing to work so i will help but i have given him over 18 months to save and he didnt save a penny but got into more debt by spending 2k of his friends money that he asked him to look after so now he is paying that off.
i said for me to look after the money but he gave me the money once and took it back again.
 
:s I thought he wanted to live with them?? He will see them everyday if you're living with them won't he?

I guess you have to find out if he's the kind of person who would rather be with his friends than his wife, or if he would rather be with his wife than his friends then maybe you'll know if he'll neglect you or not.

Have you told him that you expect him to spend a certain amount of time with you on a daily basis? Tell him and see what he says but be cautious because he may just say what you want to hear so that you'll marry him and then after marriage he'll break his promises, some men have done this.

I guess only you can decide at the end of the day

It's not that you want something that many people don't want, it's just not practical unless a person takes out a mortgage that he will spend all his life paying off, if there was a halal way to buy a house then I'm sure you would find many guys who would be willing to stay in seperate accomodation.
 
anonymous said:
i dont mind renting or living with his aunty - but his house there are way too many people and we will never have our own space and privacy. and his family interfere a lot. i am also willing to work so i will help but i have given him over 18 months to save and he didnt save a penny but got into more debt by spending 2k of his friends money that he asked him to look after so now he is paying that off.
i said for me to look after the money but he gave me the money once and took it back again.
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That is understandable, well from what you have told me above, he does not sound very responsible and good with money but there's 2 sides to every coin :hmm: If he can't save maybe he will take your money when you're married to him and this will be wrong because it's his duty to provide food,shelter and clothing for you. Your money is your own, it's not your duty to provide for your husband etc.