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Thread: Marriage
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anonymous

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I'll try and keep this short and sweet..

I've always wanted to marry but fell in the trap of pre martial relationships only because my family haven't ever looked for me but I've kept them as halaal as possible and when I wanted family involvement the men use to run a mile.
I've always met the wrong men, cheats, liars, drug dealers etc!

In 2009 I had my heart broken and That Ramadan I prayer so much, changed, and asked for the guy to come back if not replaced with better! I met a good guy on a matrimonial site and he told his family fr
Day one. We met a few times and his mother did istikhara and it apparently was good! He wants the greatest of people use to always blame me and I felt like rubbish. I delayed family involvement my side as we kept striking really badly.

Two years down the line families have met! Now it's all gone well except the living arrangements. They feel I am demanding as I want my own place. Now this guy is swearing at me as usually and has changed his number sayig he does t want me!

All I've ever wanted was to marry and be happy... Feels like such a challenge. I always make dua if we will w happy please come back and he always has after arguments.

Just feel low.
 
Dont worry, just make dua and try to communicate with your husband and tell him that you have a right to your own place
 
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Why did you marry this guy when he swears at you?
AND why didn’t you sort out the living arrangement before you married him? They? You mean his family right? Who are they to decide something that is between you and your husband?
 
PHP:

I'm not married yet, our families have just met! But they hate the fact I want to live seperatley, they feel me living with the aunty is sufficient. Now I did agree to this before but then realised uncles and cousins go there so I just feel it may not be enough space. But this has gone down bad and his father has said I need to compromise....
 
I say this on a general note, not directed at the op, in marriage you will have to make compromises, its give and take..so remember that, and even if you please your husband by 'just giving in', remember to do it for Allah's sake for that will be more fulfilling and satisfactory.

At the OP: I think both families should sit down and discuss all the issues, especially your husband to be who for some reason doesn't want to keep in contact. May Allah help you through your troubles and make it easy for you to make you fulfill half your deen. Allahoma ameen.
 
Asalamualaikum,

The important criteria of ideal husband is not who rich, or handsome, or comes from specific ethnic, but a man who stand on his own feet. It's means an independent person who can takes his own decision and not under control by anyone.

As the leader of the family, husband has a duty to lead the family and make the best decision for his family. Only independent person who can bear this duty.

The problem in your case is, he is not an independent man, but a boy who is under control of his family. You were in relationship with him for two years, but now after you are disagreeing with his family about where you will living after get married, suddenly he becomes a 'different' person who cut his contact with you. It's indicated he is in confusion because he cannot make a decision.

Where to live after get married is a problem that should be solved by man who want to get married. Living with the aunty probably is the good choice for new married couple who have not been able to buy or rent house. But only until the husband able to buy or rent the house. However, this decision should be taken by the husband or the man who will get married himself, after he discuss about it with the wife or the woman who he intend to marry. This decision should not be taken by someone else, even his parents. Other people role is only give input that can be followed, can be not.

My question, what he has done to solve this problem. Did he discuss with you? Did he try to make win-win solution? or he let his family push you to follow what they want?.

If he did not try to make a decision and he only follow what his family want although you disagree, ..... I am sorry, sister. I must tell my honest opinion, he is not an ideal man for your husband because he is not the independent person.

Now, is depend on you. Will you still marry him although he has try to cut contact with you? or you will wait for another man.

But remember. Choose only an independent person as your husband.
 
Salahudeen said:
If you do end up living separately you should also discuss with him how often he expects you to go to your in laws house, because this can cause problem also. Check this thread

http://www.islamicboard.com/advice-s...life-hell.html (My husband is making my life hell)
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Similar 'root of problem', men who are not independent. It made these sisters difficult to discuss with them because they cannot make a decision.
 
Asalam Sis,

Yes I agree with Brother, a man should stand at his own feet and makes decision of his own.
 
Sorry, I thought you were married. I don’t think asking to live separately from his family is demanding!

It is your right to have an accommodation of your own. I don’t understand people like him or his family? Compromise starts after marriage, stick to your gun if having an accommodation of your own is what you want.


OR you can say I live with your family a year or so after that you have to find me accommodation.


http://www.islamicboard.com/general...any-problem-living-laws-after-marriage-3.html
 
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Exactly it's my right and I really want to live independently.
If he is "religious" he will give me my right. His father said I do expect her to do some work around their house ESP if guests are round she can't just sit on the sofa...
 
I asked the brother let's marry in a years time so we can be table and it led to a huge argument has he wanted to marry in 6 months! Yet his sister said marry in a year and he agreed.
 
:salamext:

Im going to be very frank with what I'm going to say.

First, since you have a habit of choosing the wrong men for marriage (perhaps not intentionally), you must recognise that you are still following in this pattern; this man you are engaged to isn't exactly the choicest fruit of the basket. He swears at you, argues with you and seems to have a temperament problem – how is he so different from the other men who were "bad choices"? Speaking to your parents after two years doesn't exactly make someone marriage material. You must recognise that you have this pattern and change it. Look for those qualities in a husband that you will cherish forever. Remember that you will be living with this man for the rest of your life but already you two are having disagreements and arguments. You have to ask yourself: does he knows the rights over him as a husband? Does he fear Allah enough to fulfil them to the best of his ability? Are the qualities he possess now really what makes him an ideal husband?

Second, correct me if I am wrong here but I have an inkling that you haven't recovered fully from your past relationship. You see his character before your eyes yet you still want a permanent relationship with him: he disagrees with you stubbornly, he listens to his sister over you on important matters (how soon to get married) and seems like a difficult person to get along with. I'd recommend you not use someone as a "band aid" because of the hurt the last person has left on you. Being fully recovered means you are ready to love and be loved in return, you are comfortable being alone and the past doesn't affect you or dictate your thoughts anymore. Whoever you marry should be the right person and the experience of loving him and being loved in return will be much richer if you get into a relationship being whole.

And finally – without having to seem as though I am taking sides – don't be so demanding when it comes to accommodation and helping the in-laws. Yes it's your right to ask for it but if you've seen the rent prices nowadays then you'll know that it costs an arm and a leg to live out! Marriage isn't about demanding your own rights, you have to think as a couple now and do that which will bring harmony in your marriage. And ask yourself this: do you know your rights as a wife? Are you ready to fulfil all what a wife has to fulfil Islamically for her husband? If you are and culturally you are expected live with the in-laws and do the same things you would normally be doing as a wife in your own home anyway, what's the big deal? It's going to be your family soon. Go easy and understand one anothers' difficulties.
 
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I don't feel it's being demanding, ive even said I'll pay one years rent upfront as I have savings.
 
anonymous said:
I don't feel it's being demanding, ive even said I'll pay one years rent upfront as I have savings.
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Ah, that's different then. It's good that you are willing to contribute but still bear in mind the overall expense of living out is a lot. Especially in London (I don't know if you are in the same city) rent prices are sky high: about £250 a week for a single bedroom flat!
 
Hes up north so looking at around £100 a week so I can cough up a year upfront. I even said I'll buy us a car and that he uses his income to support me. I don't eat much and even said we can do a nikkha and feed the poor so so weddings cost will be incurred.
 
But obviously I'm not good enough for their culturally inclined family....
I'm stuck and just making dua for the best. I feel so unhappy at the moment.
 
anonymous said:
But obviously I'm not good enough for their culturally inclined family....
I'm stuck and just making dua for the best. I feel so unhappy at the moment.
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Don't let it get you down. From a man's point of view, a husband would deeply appreciate the financial help that you are offering and if this doesn't work then he looses out. But speaking according to what you've mentioned of your circumstances, it's best you marry someone who financially stands on his feet, it'll offer you a lot of stability in your life. Can imagine the financial difficulty you two would be facing if some years down the line you still live on income support? It is a must upon the man to feed his wife, shelter her and provide for her Islamically and he isn't doing this now but wants to get married in six months! Not to the mention the best of husbands are those who are best to their wives (in terms of character, treatment etc).

I can sympathise with him wanting to get married sooner but he seriously needs to consider his financial options. Income support is hardly sufficient for a family, especially when a new bundle of joy is born and becomes the cherished centre of your life. It's easy to make self-sacrifices, but not when it comes to your children.
 
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