Marriage

[Faisal Khan]

Assalamu alaikum,

I have a few issues which i need advice if you dont mind as i have almost finished my final year of University.

With respect to my family i am the only son, and the culture which i have been brought up with is ridiculous and silly. Firstly theres this "CV" that you have to create, writing all your details and how much money you make, what degree you have, your siblings details, literally everything. I think its wrong as marriage shouldnt determine how much you earn or what degree you have and being Bengali this is all my community care about.

Secondly if i do get married i am expected to stay at home all my life with my wife and kids. I love my parents but i feel like i cant live with them all my life first few years okay until i have enough financial capital to support my parents and my wife and kids, i am willing to be neighbours with them but i need my personal space as will my wife im guessing.

Thirdly my culture/tradition makes it haram for someone to marry outside there race, even if its your local neighbours e.g India and Pakistan. So i feel limited in finding someone because if i marry someone outside the race it will put shame amongst my family. So i feel as if my parents care more about their pride and respect amongst society than my happiness.

Why does race determine who you are and what you do and what you can do?

Looking forwards to hearing from you guys.


Regards

Faisal Khan

 

[MuslimInshallah]

Assalaamu alaikum Faisal,

Mmm… (smile) Sounds like you have a small (or not-so-small!) clash of cultures here. Which is not unusual in the children of immigrants.

Basically, you are very English in your own culture, and this conflicts with the South Asian culture of your parents. (gently) Still, they are your parents. And they must feel worried that they will be abandoned in their old age. Especially if they have been used all their lives to having a lot of family about as being the norm. Perhaps you could consider these ideas from their angle? Not to do exactly what they want, but to understand and have some compassion for them.

I am a mother of University students. And I understand this feeling of wondering if I will be alone one day, after I'm no longer of any use. And when I will be old and weak and perhaps sick… it's a bit frightening to think about, you know. You offered being neighbours… this sounds encouraging. Perhaps you could buy a duplex with your parents in the early years? And then upgrade to neighbouring houses? Perhaps you could offer these ideas to your parents? Perhaps you could offer that when they are weak and old… that you won't send them to an institution, but that they can live in your house. (smile) If you are on your own turf, perhaps you and your wife will be more comfortable with the idea? This actually is in accordance with English values. No, not everyone looks after their parents… but actually, quite a few people do, though when the caregivers get exhausted, they will often transfer their loved ones to an institution. This is mostly because we nowadays tend to have small families and both spouses have paid employment.

What if you decided that you want to marry someone who is willing to stay home to care for your children… perhaps one day she would also be ok with helping you care for your parents? (smile) Actually, in English-type cultures, it is more the female members of the family who care for their aged parents. The men tend to give financial support. Perhaps you could consider your sisters in the equation? Perhaps talk with them?

(smile) It is hard for you to blend these two cultural realities. But it is what you need to do in order to be kind and fair with everyone (including your future wife).

(smile) Perhaps you feel your parents will be inflexible on this? Mmm… perhaps they will be, at first. (smile) It's a shock to us parents when our children make different choices, especially when we are used to them being under our will. But over time, especially if our children are kind (but firm) with us, we tend to find ways to adapt to the new realities of our adult children.

Of course, racial discrimination is not something a Muslim should engage in. Still, it is a reality that the more similar you and your wife's cultural understandings are, the more likely your marriage is to succeed in the long term. (smile) But what those cultural understandings are… is different from your parents. You'd probably find that a woman from an immigrant family will have more in common with you than someone from "back home", or someone whose English ancestors go back many generations.

(smile) About the CV… you know, this is not such a foolish idea, in my opinion. Islamically, we are supposed to know about the young man who wants to marry our daughter. Having a document that neatly brings together the basic elements we need to know… sounds rather efficient. (smile) Of course, meeting and talking are needed, too.

(smile) Yes, from your own cultural understandings, your parent's home culture seems "ridiculous and silly". But in the place these cultural understandings were born, I suspect that you'll find that they make sense. Perhaps, rather than denigrating them, you could acknowledge that they make at least some sense… back home. And then try to bring your parents awareness of the local cultural realities. (smile. Of course, this means that you will have to make an effort to understand them yourself. We usually just absorb them unconsciously)

(apologetically) I'm afraid that there are no easy answers for your dilemma. You will have to struggle with some difficulties, I suspect. (smile) But there is treasure at the end of the rainbow. (smile) In both this life and the Next. It's just a bit elusive at times.


May Allah, the Giver of Honour and Dishonour, Guide us through the rains that water our hearts, into moments of warm sunlight.

 

[greenhill]

my culture/tradition makes it haram for someone to marry outside there race

I guess you don't need me to tell you that only Allah (via His prophet and the guidelines given) can determine what is haraam and what is not. But that does not help you in your situation. If you think about it, Bangladesh, Pakistan were all part of India not too long ago as one bigger nation. But that (again) is not going to help you with your parents. So, in effect, you are in a difficult predicament as it is your parents wishes you are dealing with.

i am expected to stay at home all my life with my wife and kids.

It gets harder with this.... All I can say is that, your parents won't be around indefinitely, both mine are gone, my dad never got to see me get married and my mum recently passed away. If I was in a similar predicament as you, I would now have the whole house to myself. Perhaps you could buy a house next door and say that you wish to give the current house to your sisters, as I did. My parents did not object.

Don't know what else to say as this matter is a personal one and outside interference is not going to help...:hmm:


eace:

 

[~ Umm Aaminah ~]

:salamext:
Unfortunately, this is what is called culture. Culture distorts the beautiful religion we are part of. If you feel this strongly, then speak to your parents about your concern :ia: ?