Mother in-law and marriage issues

[Hamza Asadullah]

Salaam folks,

I am new to this forum. I wanted bit of advice... i would appreciate if someone could advise me on my situation.

Recently after a few years of marriage I called for divorce. I had enough of my wife's constant disrespect and lack of due care. It's been building up for a while and even though her family has addressed her several times she continues to be swear and talk to me with disrespect.

She called her mother around at the point i called on divorce. I would like to point out that I did apologies and state divorce is not the solution. Anyway, the mother in-law came around and started talking about irrelevance stuff and was commenting on things which she knew nothing about. I corrected her and also advised her that she was a large problem in our marriage. I was quite frank and showed little regard for her by that stage she was already trying to say divorce is the only option and we were never right for each other. Hardly the case; the mother in-law has taught the wife little and respect is clearly something which is lacking in my wife. The mother in-law saw my points as attacks; my points were harsh but factual. The mother in-law proceeded to insult me and my mother (who was not present in the room) and also made a few comments about my background. In all fairness earlier in the conversation when the mother in-law was saying 'i knew this marriage was cursed from the start, there were no blessing....' blah blah blah i responded by saying something condescending to her; happy to expand if you require. I believe such witchcraft talk has no place in such a issue when husband and wife are experiencing difficulties and such idol worshipping 'cursed' talk is unacceptable - I was clearly annoyed by her pointless input.

Anyway, things between the wife and I are better but she still continues to disrespect me, i am still unhappy but she has stepped up her game with respect to taking care of me and the home and I really do appreciate this! I really do!

The issue is do i apologies to the mother in-law and leave it at that? Do i tackle the points/insults she raised or do I let it be. Personally I can not stand my mother in-law. She has a bad affect on my wife and she ends up repeating things her mother says. Personally I want to be far away from the mother in-law but i think my wife wants me to say sorry for the condescending comments I made and the way i spoke to her.

I understand it is tough to comment on a few lines and there is much more then just the above and i realise i am wrong to speak to an elder like the way I did even if they are talking such rubbish.

What do you think?

Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, jazakallah khayr for sharing your issue with us. Firstly brother we should realise that Allah has given a lot of honour to the elderly therefore we must respect all elders even if they disrespect us. Rasulallah (Pbuh) was the best of all people and he was the best in character and people treated him the worst and in return he did not take revenge and treat them bad but he actually treated them the best. This is what made people fascinated by him and people reverted to Islam in drones just by watching Rasulallah (Pbuh) and the way he conducted himself.

You should also realise that speaking to people in a harsh and condescending manner will only bring about bitter reactions and defence barriers of the person going up. You should desist from this approach and never use such a manner to anyone particularly your elders.

Good manners and showing respect are great rewards so therefore no matter what your mother in law says to you or how she treats you, you shoudl be patient and treat her with honour and respect and remember that the way you treat your elders then that is how you will be treated when you are an elder. So give her utmost hnour and respect and remember you are doing this for Allah and it is between you and him not you and your mother in law then will you not please Allah and treat her the best?

Also brothr have patience with your wife and when you want her to change something about her then o it in a gentle manner using wisdom and tact because women are from the left rib of Adam (As) which is quite brittle and therefore if you try to bend it too much then it will break so be gentle with her always and by you showing her love and being gentle with her when wanting her to chabge her ways will be much more effective than using harsh words or force. If she does something that you disaprove of then just say to her " I dissaprove of what you have done and need some space from you so think about your actions" and walk off and have space from her for a while so that she realises her error.

Also remember that the best man is he who treats his wife the best so treat your wife the best and also realise that you are not without flaws so lso work on yourself and your patience and go as close to Allah as possible so that Allah brings blessings and peace into your home and your lives.

and Allah knows best in all matters

 

[cat eyes]

Yeah i honestly would be not able to talk back to an elderly person even if they were jumping down my throat over something. it just dose not suit a young person to talk back either.. and in my experience our elders are more inclined to get hurt quicker.. maybe because of menapause and things like this. ive been in so many situations even dealing with kafir people, they would be angry but i honestly feel to much pity for them to talk back. a good way to control anger is think of one million things why you should not talk back. that really helps me in real life and dealing with complicated situations.