mother is so bitter and negative

[karimium]

My mum & dad have always been glass "half empty" kind of people, a lot of the time my mum can be so bitter at times. it's always bothered me - but I never understood the gravity of it until now as an adult when I recognised the bitterness I have inside me and how I grew up around it and absorbed it into my own personality.

e.g.

1. I brought and fitted new wheels on my car, something that I planned to do for a while. When I bring the wheels into the house, they're dripping a little wet on the hardwood floor. The only thing she comments on was "oh, look at you, you're dripping water all over the floor". in a really "shunning" sort of way. She didn;t even bother to comment on my wheels or anything.

2. A while back I took her and my autie to a wedding. Weddings not for me so I decided to drop them off and pick them up later. I asked them how it was, auntie was really happy and said the food was nice and there were a lot of people and that I should have stayed. Mum only comments "bride was not covering a her properly, what sort of wedding was this". That was the only thing my mum said.

3. She has never encouraged or praised me at all. We have a cordial relationship, but when in front of other people outside of immediate family, she always shows me up and points out my failures. I'm a freellancer who works from home. I make more money than any other of my siblings, but because she sees me around the house she things I'm unemployed. She even suggests that I drive my younger brother to and from a 30 mile long trip to work.

It really peeves me off, I just can't stand being around her because she can;'t help herself but talk about all the bad things other people are doing. Sometimes I tell her, if you can't say anything positive don't say anything in anger.

 

[Eric H]

Greetings and peace be with you karimium;

but I never understood the gravity of it until now as an adult when I recognised the bitterness I have inside me and how I grew up around it and absorbed it into my own personality.

You have one mother and father, you cannot change them but you can change yourself, and now might be the time to start. Just some food for thought, if you have kids will they be saying the same about you in twenty years, you have choices in how you respond to every situation in your life. If you see your mum’s choices as bad do not blame her because you are copying them.

When I bring the wheels into the house, they're dripping a little wet on the hardwood floor. The only thing she comments on was "oh, look at you, you're dripping water all over the floor". in a really "shunning" sort of way. She didn;t even bother to comment on my wheels or anything.

Wheels are wheels what difference do they make to your mum, your mum was probably thinking I have spent ages cleaning this house and you go and mess it up again, you might try and see things from your mum's perception. How often do you thank your mum for all the hard work she does keeping the house clean and looking after the family. If hers is a thankless job, would she also like some recognition? I am sure she loves and cares for you.

In the spirit of praying for peace and reconciliation

Eric

 

[Urban Turban]

And listen please, read what the Final Prophet [peace be upon him] has to say about parents:

From Imam Bukhari's [may Allah be pleased with him] 'Al Adab ul Mufrad' -

http://www.sunnipath.com/library/Hadith/H0003P0001.aspx

---------------------
My mom would do the same if you spoil the cleanliness around the house.
Know why?
How would you feel if you wash your car and someone comes and messes it up?

Our parents don't know whats freelancing, they've grown up in an environment watching their parents, uncles etc leaving home for work, at a scheduled time everyday and coming back from work, that's their idea of work, nothing wrong with it, times have changed now, if they haven't been able to keep up with the change, its because all that time was spent taking care of you and your siblings, generally speaking. I suggest please do sit & talk with her about this.

:wa:

 

[tearose]

I think sometimes these kind of problems come from lack of mutual understanding which can be improved through better communication. The onus is on the children to do something to improve the situation. If you feel that your mum is being harsh maybe she is insecure or worried - try to see it from her point of view. You can try to make little changes to let her know you appreciate her - do a few things to help her out without being asked, ask her how her day is going and be genuinely interested in talking with her. Sometimes this can really help to make her feel reassured and know that you aren't taking her for granted. Every relationship is different but you have to develop a lot of patience and some strategies to always respond to her in a calm, caring and mature way even if you are hurt by what she says.

 

[Urban Turban]

You know I was thinking, if you are from Asian background brother, and you've grown up and started earning as well Alhamdulillah, then the reason why parents feel irritated and or cranky, its because...

They want you to get married!

Get married bro, believe me for parents there's no happiness in the world that equals them watching their kids's kids !!!

 

[Muhaba]

It just so happens that parents don't see how much their attitude can affect their children, especially the children's confidence. A person, no matter how much oldre he/she gets, will look up to the parents with reverence and their parents' opinion matters more than anyone elses. For this reason, it's necessary for the parent to be careful of what they say, how they say it, where they say it.

Your mther seems like some who cares about Islamic values which is why she commented so on the wedding. I wouldn't be upset about how she comments on other things or people and wouldn't let that bother me. However, how she treats you is wrong and it's best you discuss this with her. You can say something like, Mom, I honor you greatly and your opinion matters to me the most, so can you please be less negative toward me? I'm self-employed not unemployed and giving bro a ride at this time doesn't fit into my work schedule, etc. Please don't consider me unemployed and please respect my work schedule. Think of what Allah's Messenger Muhammad صلى الله عليه و سلم would think if he saw your attitude toward me.
etc. etc.
wht ever you say should be in a polite manner and with respect. and pray to Allah to open your parent's eyes to the truth.

 

[cOsMiCiNtUiTiOn]

I agree with Eric. Change yourself.

There's a saying I really like " Your perception of me is a reflection of you, and my reaction to you is an awareness of me."

Meaning, what you see in others is a reflection of what is within you (ever heard a saying "it takes one to know one"?). You can only see that which ur heart allows you to see. The reaction you have towards a person, is how aware you are of your own self, how much control do you have over yourself?

Before passing judgement on anyone, including your parents, we should think of the above. I also have has many issues with my mother, similar to yours. In the past she only appeared to be pointing out my flaws to me, and she never appeared happy with anything I did in my life, all of my decisions are and have been wrong according to her, especially becoming Muslim .

However, She is my mother, she carried me in her womb. I didn't understand this until I carried my own child, even after my daughter was born, i still held resentment towards mom. It hasn't been until the last few months that I have come to realize, that, the woman has the best of intentions. her understanding of life and what it should be is different from mine, hers is limited as she can bearly read and write properly for starters. Her life was different and so her expectations are different. All I can do is smile at her now, and try to help her with little things here and there around the house if she allows me to. She may still not like my choices, and she'll make it known but it bothers me no longer after learning to see her and everyone else in a different view. I realized that, the bad things I saw in her were really just me...I noticed my patterns of pointing out flaws in others, and everything I didn't like about my mom, were flaws I had also, they just manifested slightly different. I started to hear my little bro say stuff like "sheesh ur just like mom" O_O looooool. I took it seriously and began to reflect.

Anyway, sorry for the novel.

I do have a question. When was the last time you did something nice for her? What does she like? My mom loves flowers. Granted if we buy her flowers she will gripe about wasting money, but the initial look on her face is priceless Do something just for her and nobody else, make her something, cook with her, I dunno. She may not like it at first but the heart is such that, when somebody does something nice for it, it just warms up, that's our nature.

Be the change you want to see.

- cOsMiC

 

[Urban Turban]

I agree with Eric. Change yourself.

There's a saying I really like " Your perception of me is a reflection of you, and my reaction to you is an awareness of me."

Meaning, what you see in others is a reflection of what is within you (ever heard a saying "it takes one to know one"?). You can only see that which ur heart allows you to see. The reaction you have towards a person, is how aware you are of your own self, how much control do you have over yourself?

Before passing judgement on anyone, including your parents, we should think of the above. I also have has many issues with my mother, similar to yours. In the past she only appeared to be pointing out my flaws to me, and she never appeared happy with anything I did in my life, all of my decisions are and have been wrong according to her, especially becoming Muslim .

However, She is my mother, she carried me in her womb. I didn't understand this until I carried my own child, even after my daughter was born, i still held resentment towards mom. It hasn't been until the last few months that I have come to realize, that, the woman has the best of intentions. her understanding of life and what it should be is different from mine, hers is limited as she can bearly read and write properly for starters. Her life was different and so her expectations are different. All I can do is smile at her now, and try to help her with little things here and there around the house if she allows me to. She may still not like my choices, and she'll make it known but it bothers me no longer after learning to see her and everyone else in a different view. I realized that, the bad things I saw in her were really just me...I noticed my patterns of pointing out flaws in others, and everything I didn't like about my mom, were flaws I had also, they just manifested slightly different. I started to hear my little bro say stuff like "sheesh ur just like mom" O_O looooool. I took it seriously and began to reflect.

Anyway, sorry for the novel.

I do have a question. When was the last time you did something nice for her? What does she like? My mom loves flowers. Granted if we buy her flowers she will gripe about wasting money, but the initial look on her face is priceless Do something just for her and nobody else, make her something, cook with her, I dunno. She may not like it at first but the heart is such that, when somebody does something nice for it, it just warms up, that's our nature.

Be the change you want to see.

- cOsMiC

Follow sisters^ suggestion about gifting her, its a sunnah of the Final Prophet (peace be upon him), and increases love. Although I think the best gift would be to get married