Mother vs. Wife

[anonymous]

Assalaamualaikum

I got married in Shaa'baan (July) and was hoping to have quite a peaceful life but it is absolutely not going the way I thought. My mother absolutely hates my wife and I can't even exactly explain why that is because I don't know neither do I understand it. Sometimes, I feel my mother has fallen into the "post-marriage-I've-lost-my-son-to-a-stranger" trap. I try to keep passing it through to my Mom that I'll always love and respect her but it is not always easy.

Quite honestly, my mom does not want me to treat my wife with kindness either. The wife has made mistakes here and there but I've reprimanded her gently in those matters and helped her in not letting those mistakes take place again but my mom asks me why didn't I abuse her for so and so mistake. It is so difficult. I lose track of what's right in these matters. It's like I have to choose between being a good husband and my mom's son. I know that treating my wife with roughness won't make me an obedient son either, it'll just make me a partner in my mother's crime but it's hard to communicate this to her. If I ever try to talk with my mother about these issues, she starts saying that I'm no longer her son and I'll die a gruesome death. Sometimes, my mom is outright wrong and never wants to admit it no matter how much me, my brother and my father reason with her. (Though, a lesson of my life is women hardly use reason when they argue.)

My mom also totally dislikes that my wife and my sister-in-law get along. She has this constant fear that both her daughters-in-law are cooking some conspiracy against her. I'm absolutely clueless as to how to solve this problem.

I can communicate good words and thoughts to people but I can't change their minds. I completely lost it today and fell in rage and that was because my mom indirectly accused my wife of stealing money from the house. I kept my cool till now but today it all erupted. I apologized to my mom later for it, though. I don't know whether she accepted it or not. My wife is not in the house right now but she knows what my mom feels about her and cries multiple times in front of me. I talk to her about sabr and Allah's reward for the Saabireen.

 

[Snowflake]

Assalamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu

This is awfully sad. Of course you must make every effort to advise your Mother kindly, and even show her verses of Al Quran and Hadith which matter in this case to help her realize her mistakes and correct them insha Allah. But you know as well as I do that it could all be in vain. Sadly, in all my life I've never seen people change. People have died waiting for changes that will bring peace, love and understanding among their own. But I've rarely witnessed it. We know dua is the believers weapon. But the acceptance of dua has criteria. Allah says in a Hadith Qudsi, that if a (particular) servant asks of Him, He, The Glorified and Exalted shall give to him. Only Allah knows, and ourselves know if we are pious enough for earning that type of favour from Allah. But Allah also says that He doesn't change the condition of a people until they change what is within themselves? So between your own piety and efforts and the necessity of others acknowledging their faults and correcting them, and unless they do, the chances of a peaceful family life in your parents home will remain limited. And Allah knows best.

You must make every effort to advise your Mother kindly, and in private. If you see an improvement then continue advising her and encouraging your wife in her patience. But if you see things are not getting better and are even getting worse then you have to consider leaving. Your wife cannot be expected to live in these conditions, and Islam has given her the right to demand separate accommodation. If this is what you must do then do it without fear of your Mother's reaction. Doing the right thing in the deen can never have negative consequences insha Allah. If it happens, you Mum will come to accept it sooner or later.

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

It might sound harsh but seriously bro, relationships have survived far far FAR worse then that.

You and your wife will be ok, tis just dunya my brother.



Assalamu Alaikum

 

[tigerkhan]

i think u should invite some scholar to ur home to give a lecture regarding islamic guidance and rules of living together. but dont directly adress ur mom but i think better u said ur mom that i invite a scholar in home so that he tell my wife whats ur rights over her. and indirectly that shieks explain the example of akhlaq set by our Prophet PBUH and benefit of these akhlaq in both worlds.
dont ignore this issue bcz once it bcm severe then it difficult to resolve.
also u seek guidance to takle the situation. dont praise ur wife in front of ur mom bcz maybe she feel bit jealousy. so this thing can be resolved but u and ur wife need to work with hikma and patience.

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

Assalaamualaikum

I got married in Shaa'baan (July) and was hoping to have quite a peaceful life but it is absolutely not going the way I thought. My mother absolutely hates my wife and I can't even exactly explain why that is because I don't know neither do I understand it. Sometimes, I feel my mother has fallen into the "post-marriage-I've-lost-my-son-to-a-stranger" trap. I try to keep passing it through to my Mom that I'll always love and respect her but it is not always easy.

Quite honestly, my mom does not want me to treat my wife with kindness either. The wife has made mistakes here and there but I've reprimanded her gently in those matters and helped her in not letting those mistakes take place again but my mom asks me why didn't I abuse her for so and so mistake. It is so difficult. I lose track of what's right in these matters. It's like I have to choose between being a good husband and my mom's son. I know that treating my wife with roughness won't make me an obedient son either, it'll just make me a partner in my mother's crime but it's hard to communicate this to her. If I ever try to talk with my mother about these issues, she starts saying that I'm no longer her son and I'll die a gruesome death. Sometimes, my mom is outright wrong and never wants to admit it no matter how much me, my brother and my father reason with her. (Though, a lesson of my life is women hardly use reason when they argue.)

My mom also totally dislikes that my wife and my sister-in-law get along. She has this constant fear that both her daughters-in-law are cooking some conspiracy against her. I'm absolutely clueless as to how to solve this problem.

I can communicate good words and thoughts to people but I can't change their minds. I completely lost it today and fell in rage and that was because my mom indirectly accused my wife of stealing money from the house. I kept my cool till now but today it all erupted. I apologized to my mom later for it, though. I don't know whether she accepted it or not. My wife is not in the house right now but she knows what my mom feels about her and cries multiple times in front of me. I talk to her about sabr and Allah's reward for the Saabireen.

Asalaamu Alaikum, jazakallahu khayr for sharing your issues with us. This is a very difficult and delicate situation as you do not want to hurt or offend your mother nor do you want your wife to be hurt by your mother.

I think you need to really take your mother out somewhere where she will feel more at peace and really open up to her about your feelings and how her behaviour is affecting you and your wife and also get her to really open up about why she is feeling and behaving in such a way. You really need to try and dig deep and get to the bottom of why your mother is acting in this way towards your wife. Be as gentle as possible but be firm in that you really need to get to the bottom of why she is behaving in this manner. Keep your voice as down as possible and do not get frustrated with her or even say "uff" to her for she has a right over you for you to treat and speak to her in the best of manner. Tell her you need to understand why she is behaving in such a way and that things cannot continue the way they are otherwise there will always be a bad atmosphere to come home to everyday. That is not healthy for anyone.

Try your best to get her to open up about her inner and deep feelings of why she is behaving in such a manner towards your wife. Keep trying to dig deep until you have the answer. Then ask your mother what she wants that will make her happy at home. Ask her what can you and your wife can do to make her not feel or behave in the way she is currently behaving. You need to get all of this feedback from her in order to resolve this matter and get to the bottom of the real issues.

Keep re-assuring her and making her feel that you are there for her but make her aware how much this is affecting you in a bad way to see her in such a state. Make her aware that you really want to get to the bottom of this and resolve it as best as possible.

If things still don't change then you should maybe get a raqi involved to ensure it is not sihr that is making her behave in such a manner. If it is not and things still don't change then you really need to consider other things like getting a mediator or Muslim counsellor involved. Most of all keep making dua to Allah that he helps all of yuo through this and that this matter is resolved immediately. Keep re-assuring your wife that you are there for her all the way through this and that you want it resolved as much as she does. Re-assure her of the rewards awaiting her for her patience.

May Allah resolve the matter immediately. Ameen

 

[anonymous]

The situation is only getting worse now. We came to know, about 2 weeks ago that my wife is pregnant. My mother's behavior changed and she treated her with kindness for a few days but now again it's back to square one. Rather, it has gotten much much worse.

My wedding was a love marriage but both me and my wife tried really hard to convince our parents and alhamdulillah it worked out. During the wedding, the parents were very happy but now my mom keeps saying to my wife that my wife was not brought into the house in accordance with her taste. "The wedding was done under pressure, I never liked you". "You were never willingly welcomed in this house, you should not even raise your head, let alone your voice". Before, my mom used to say bad stuff about my wife only in front of me in the absence of my wife but now she's directing the insults directly at my wife.

 

[Tilmeez]

Akhee, I don't have words to console your situation. I will share a few words.

a. Tell your wife that your mom is not gonna change only you and she will undergo the change.

b. Your mom will not forget whatever you / your wife, regardless of intentions, said to her during these days.

c. The key to situation is obedience, sbar and a little bit diplomacy. Obey her to a point where she (your mom) can't find a single thing to raise objection on. She will still try to be harsh/rude to her (your wife) there she needs sbar. You can occasionally abuse her (your wife) in front of your mom with mutual (your and your wife's) understanding.

d. Keep your intentions clean and don't think bad for your mom. Pray for her well being and good behaviour. Do give her time on regular basis. Try to avoid interacting with your wife in front of her.

I pray this may help you.

May Allah SWT help you and your family in building of a home.

Eid Mubarak.

 

[ardianto]

You can occasionally abuse her (your wife) in front of your mom with mutual (your and your wife's) understanding.

Not a good idea. His mother will thinking he start to dislike his wife. Instead of sympathy, his mother will get new motivation to urge this brother to divorce his wife.


@the anonymous brother,
Perform salah tahajud every night, and always continue with du'a, wish Allah open your mother's heart.

 

[Tilmeez]

Not a good idea. His mother will thinking he start to dislike his wife. Instead of sympathy, his mother will get new motivation to urge this brother to divorce his wife.

a. Abuse does not mean a good washing of wife. He may give her a bad look or say some harsh words.
b. My experience is: If after some time daughter in law complains about this to her mother in law she (the mother) will take her (daughter's) side. Yes, chances of extreme can't be ruled out.

 

[ardianto]

a. Abuse does not mean a good washing of wife. He may give her a bad look or say some harsh words.
b. My experience is: If after some time daughter in law complains about this to her mother in law she (the mother) will take her (daughter's) side. Yes, chances of extreme can't be ruled out.

I know what you mean with abuse. But I think the risk is too big if this brother implements that idea.

You must be ever heard "enemy of my enemy is my ally". His mother will thinking he becomes her ally, and usually get an ally can raise confidence in keep fight the enemy.

 

[Snowflake]

Well, everything has a limit. If staying there is worsening the situation and destroying family ties then isn't moving out the sensible thing to do? It's also bringing out the worst in you, which you already know isn't good when it comes to your mother. So do the practical thing and move out. Sometimes, insha Allah, all damaged relationships need to heal is time and distance and people grow accustomed to changes and begin to accept them as a part of their life. Really akhi, what are you waiting for? Just do it.