السلام عليكم
I am a practicing female Muslim, alhamdulillah, and was about to get married soon, to the boy i chose. I was very happy about it, i loved the boy. We had planned almost everything for our married life.
But due to bad circumstances in dealing with the wedding (by me, and both families), as time passed, the once beautiful idea of marriage started to seem horrible to me. I can say it effected me alot mentally, and i didnt realise until recently. this was the boy i loved and i wanted everything to be perfect. but when things started to go wrong, it made me so sad, that in the end, i messed everything up.
The mistake I made, was that instead of trying to deal with it, I avoided the topic and never let anyone discuss it infront of me. My plan was to just show up at the wedding.
But eventually, i started to loose interest for the whole idea of being married, and the married life that comes after. I also lost feelings for the boy who I once loved for sure. Even then, I was going to just get married.
But as the wedding planning seemed to get more serious and they were deciding the date, I started having 2nd thoughts about everything.
There were some circumstances with the boy, that are not hard to deal with, like money etc. I knew all this and when I had feelings for the boy, I was ready to deal with anything with him.
But now, I didnt want to. To me, it seemed like the whole idea of getting married was a disaster, from the start, filled with problems.
I let myself consider marrying another person, to start everything fresh, and hopefully without any problems like before. I ended it with the boy, to find someone else. I know he is extremely sad. maybe even hates me.
But I find myself unable to let go of the past, the memories, the plans. and somehow, i cant even get myself to go back.
I am afraid of the unknowns that would be with any new person, because i knew everything with the first boy, the good and the bad.
we already told our families that its over, so even if i do somehow decide to go back, im not sure he or his family would accept me.
Im actually not even sure I want to go back. but the past keeps interfering with my future, so i feel like i cant even move on.
i am close to 30 now. i live with my parents still and I have a job. I am sorrowful, to the point of hopelessness. I havent eaten since almost 2 days. i know my parents are worried. but they are still unsupportive. when i tried to explain to them my feelings, they felt that I blame them for everything. honestly, i do. but also i am at fault.
i regret everything. i dont even know how far my regret goes. from the part where i messed up, or the part where i decided to marry the boy.
I also regret and feel guilty about even thinking of considering someone else.
I have done istikhara many times. but it seems like i have a different feeling everytime. i am still doing it, and will continue. but i am thinking about the situation all the time and i cant bear it anymore.
sometimes i think, If just go back to him, to how it was when they were planning the wedding and i was just going to show up, it will be ok and i can stop stressing, but will i get my feelings back? what about the life after marriage? i dont know how much damage i have caused.
sometimes i feel it will be better to find someone new, but like i said, the past keeps interfering, and the unknown scares me. and i may mess up the life of anyone new too.
both options seem bad to me. and so i decided not marrying ever would be the best.
but i dont know how long i can survive. i have a job now. but how long can i do it? what if one day i even regret this decision? if its a mess, atleast it will just be my life thats a mess.
im not sure what kind of help i am expecting here. but i wish someone could just help me.
I am a practicing female Muslim, alhamdulillah, and was about to get married soon, to the boy i chose. I was very happy about it, i loved the boy. We had planned almost everything for our married life.
But due to bad circumstances in dealing with the wedding (by me, and both families), as time passed, the once beautiful idea of marriage started to seem horrible to me. I can say it effected me alot mentally, and i didnt realise until recently. this was the boy i loved and i wanted everything to be perfect. but when things started to go wrong, it made me so sad, that in the end, i messed everything up.
The mistake I made, was that instead of trying to deal with it, I avoided the topic and never let anyone discuss it infront of me. My plan was to just show up at the wedding.
But eventually, i started to loose interest for the whole idea of being married, and the married life that comes after. I also lost feelings for the boy who I once loved for sure. Even then, I was going to just get married.
But as the wedding planning seemed to get more serious and they were deciding the date, I started having 2nd thoughts about everything.
There were some circumstances with the boy, that are not hard to deal with, like money etc. I knew all this and when I had feelings for the boy, I was ready to deal with anything with him.
But now, I didnt want to. To me, it seemed like the whole idea of getting married was a disaster, from the start, filled with problems.
I let myself consider marrying another person, to start everything fresh, and hopefully without any problems like before. I ended it with the boy, to find someone else. I know he is extremely sad. maybe even hates me.
But I find myself unable to let go of the past, the memories, the plans. and somehow, i cant even get myself to go back.
I am afraid of the unknowns that would be with any new person, because i knew everything with the first boy, the good and the bad.
we already told our families that its over, so even if i do somehow decide to go back, im not sure he or his family would accept me.
Im actually not even sure I want to go back. but the past keeps interfering with my future, so i feel like i cant even move on.
i am close to 30 now. i live with my parents still and I have a job. I am sorrowful, to the point of hopelessness. I havent eaten since almost 2 days. i know my parents are worried. but they are still unsupportive. when i tried to explain to them my feelings, they felt that I blame them for everything. honestly, i do. but also i am at fault.
i regret everything. i dont even know how far my regret goes. from the part where i messed up, or the part where i decided to marry the boy.
I also regret and feel guilty about even thinking of considering someone else.
I have done istikhara many times. but it seems like i have a different feeling everytime. i am still doing it, and will continue. but i am thinking about the situation all the time and i cant bear it anymore.
sometimes i think, If just go back to him, to how it was when they were planning the wedding and i was just going to show up, it will be ok and i can stop stressing, but will i get my feelings back? what about the life after marriage? i dont know how much damage i have caused.
sometimes i feel it will be better to find someone new, but like i said, the past keeps interfering, and the unknown scares me. and i may mess up the life of anyone new too.
both options seem bad to me. and so i decided not marrying ever would be the best.
but i dont know how long i can survive. i have a job now. but how long can i do it? what if one day i even regret this decision? if its a mess, atleast it will just be my life thats a mess.
im not sure what kind of help i am expecting here. but i wish someone could just help me.