My girlfriends parents disowned their daughter

[youngen]

Hi, I want to post here to try and get some advice from muslims.

Me and my muslim girlfriend have been seeing each other for about a year now and a few days ago her parents found out after seeing us in the street and and freaked out. They had a huge row and because she said she would not stop seeing me, they've kicked her out of their home and disowned her, they said they never want to see her again. She's only 17... I'm 22

She explained that it's because I'm not muslim and her parents are old fashioned and prefer the traditional ways of doing things and she isn't like that, she barely follows the religion and the parts she did follow was mostly because her father enforced it on her. Praying, fasting, wearing the hijab etc.

Now she is living with me, I can provide for her financially so she would probably be better off but I still don't want her relationship with her family to be crushed because of me. Is there anything we can do besides break up that will help mend their relationship? On top of everything I have her older sister banging on my door, giving me endless abuse and now her and her sister are fighting.

It's just a nightmare situation, is there anything we can do? Maybe if I could just sit down with her parents and let them see I'm not a loser and I'm perfectly capable of being a decent boyfriend for her.

I have no interest in becoming a muslim, besides like I said she barely follows it anyway. She just prays occasionally, fasts and that's it. She's made it very clear that she doesn't want to break up with me and I feel the same way, so is there any possible way we can solve this?

 

[Alpha Dude]

From a Muslim cultural viewpoint, even in those cases where a family is not necessarily practicing Islam as much as they could be, it is seen as extremely dishonorable for a young girl or guy to do such a thing.

Maybe some day, decades from now, the parents and family will become accepting of her but it's very unlikely that their relationship will ever recover.

You need to realize that this is no small thing that she has done. She's gone against her entire family, ruined her relationship with them completely and turned her back on her religion to be with a random guy.

 

[crimsontide06]

The whole forcing her to fast, pray,wear hijab...etc is probably the root of the whole issue. Instead of teaching her about God from an early age...they filled her life with rules and restrictions. Her family has a right to be angry but part of the blame lies on them.

This idea is included in this lecture (within the 1st 10 minutes) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dvKUv2xQYfc

Yes, Muslims are supposed to do those things but it has to be from their heart...that they want to do it for Allah. Doing it because you were forced to, means nothing to Allah..



She has a choice to make and it's not about her family. Does she stay with you or does she love Allah more and follow what he says is right/wrong.

 

[Alpha Dude]

Maybe if I could just sit down with her parents and let them see I'm not a loser and I'm perfectly capable of being a decent boyfriend for her.

You're in a losing position. There is nothing you could do.

Muslims are not allowed to date first and foremost and secondly, Muslim women are not allowed to marry non-Muslims. So there's two things against you here: you're dating her before marriage and on top of that, you're not a Muslim.

No gesture of goodwill you show is going to overcome this for them.

 

[youngen]

So that's it then... simply because I am not muslim she cannot date me? There's absolutely nothing wrong with me, who cares what I believe, as long as I'm a decent man that takes care of her and treats her well, that should be enough.

She's been living with me for nearly a week now and I've caught her praying twice so I know she still does it but I guess she's just very happy with the way things are with us that she doesn't want to give it up. How can I deal with the older sister? She is actually coming to my home and giving me an earful all the time, it's like her whole family hate her, I feel so sorry for her but I also blame myself a little even though she tells me it's not my fault.

What a mess.

 

[Alpha Dude]

So that's it then... simply because I am not muslim she cannot date me?

It would be a sin for her to date you even if you were a Muslim.

I guess her older sister is just looking out for her.

 

[Alpha Dude]

Let me put it to you this way.

Traditionally, Muslims do not date or mingle before marriage. That kind of behavior is seen as a big sin.

So, even if you were the best person out there and a Muslim and you were to find yourself in this same situation, you would still face the same reaction from her family.

It is a major sin for her to be involved with a man before marriage. On top of that, if she were to marry you and you did not convert to Islam, she would perpetually be involved in fornication as your marriage would not be an Islamically valid one.

The bottom line is that if she doesn't take her religion seriously, she can do as she pleases (of course, she is free to do what she wants) - however, if she does hold it to some value (which seems the case if she is praying), she would leave you given that she would realize what she is doing is sinful for her.

 

[s.ali123]

I would say it is not really about you being nice or worst person, Islamically a man woman cannot have any relation except for marriage, even with muslim. And with non muslim, she cannot marry at all. So first you want to be "boyfriend" and not marry, secondly you cannot even "marry" her.
So in the end it depends on her, that how much she wants to follow the religion. No one is supposed to force her for anything. And partly the way she feels now, and finding it difficult to leave what is Islamically wrong, may also be because the way she is brought up by just rules and regulations on everything and not doing it by her will, which ideally should have been the case.
I dont see anything that you can do. Even from the fact that they have kicked her out, I can sense them to be more of, "cultural muslim", folliwing little bit of what they think to be Islamic, and more kind of "preserving" their pride more than anything.

 

[s.ali123]

I would say to ask her yourself in peace, that what she wants. You can give her the option to go and ask for advice from some Imam that she can trust. He may talk with the parents and sort out something.
But in the end, even the best thing imam can do is that to convince her to leave you, and try to convince her parents to be more reasonable with their dealing of her.
In the end it is really her choice what she wants!

 

[youngen]

Thanks for all your replies. Neither of us want the relationship to end and she has made her decision. Unlike her parents I won't force her to do anything she doesn't want to. I now understand who important marriage is and being muslim so that is probably why they acted so harshly.

The parents may not like what she has done but I know that she will have an enjoyable life with me. I'm just upset her family won't support her decisions, even if they don't agree.

Perhaps in time they'll be more forgiving and allow her back into their lives, if she is still interested by then.

 

[Saleem Khan]

There is absolutely no way out, especially since youve made it clear you won't accept Islam. Also Islam does not recognise your relationship that is outside of wedlock regardless of whether you are a muslim or not. So there is no way for you to prove you are a 'good boyfriend' since you being a boyfriend is unacceptable to the parents.

A relationship between a muslim man and woman can only happen through wedlock.

Also it is absolutely not allowed for her to be married to a non Muslim.

The best thing you do is at least start to study about Islam and give it a go with an open mind. If you don't then let her go otherwise by you staying with her you are destroying her life and separating her from her family and people. In time she will resent you for it.

 

[youngen]

The best thing you do is at least start to study about Islam and give it a go with an open mind. If you don't then let her go otherwise by you staying with her you are destroying her life and separating her from her family and people. In time she will resent you for it.

She barely follows it herself though, she's never once asked me to learn about it. I guess there's no harm in reading a bit but even if I became Muslim, her parents clearly hate me and will still not approve of me regardless.

I strongly disagree about me destroying her life and resenting me. Her parents are very controlling and she was quite unhappy living there but like I said, I just don't know to be the person responsible for their breakup, but it's really just out of my hands, they disowned her after all. She didn't leave by her own doing, they kicked her out.

Plus I'm pretty sure her older sister wants to kill me lol so that's another family member who will probably never approve of me.

 

[Mustafa16]

She barely follows it herself though, she's never once asked me to learn about it. I guess there's no harm in reading a bit but even if I became Muslim, her parents clearly hate me and will still not approve of me regardless.

I strongly disagree about me destroying her life and resenting me. Her parents are very controlling and she was quite unhappy living there but like I said, I just don't know to be the person responsible for their breakup, but it's really just out of my hands, they disowned her after all. She didn't leave by her own doing, they kicked her out.

Plus I'm pretty sure her older sister wants to kill me lol so that's another family member who will probably never approve of me.

if you really cared about your girlfriend, either leave her-since dating is haram and a Muslim woman courting a non Muslim man is a sin-or look into converting to Islam regardless of her own piety or if she only followed Islam out of force....if you do decide to be Muslim, which will bring you peace and make you a welcome and cherished member of the ummah (Muslim community), try to be as pious as possible and remember that everything happens for a reason in Islam, and try to apologize to her family.....also, try to get your girlfriend to practice Islam as well

 

[Search]

:bism:

Hi. Welcome to IB! @youngen

​

I've already sent you a message in your inbox, but I would welcome you again on behalf of all the good members on IB here and also for giving us a chance to assist you.

I know you want to fix this, and you can't, and you feel terrible about all that's happened. Sometimes, things happen in life.

I think you've been given excellent advice here and without repeating anything, I'd encourage you to definitely to look into Islam as a means of gaining knowledge and understanding about your current partner's heartache. It may be that God willed this difficult situation for both of you to give you an opportunity to learn.

I'd advise you to look up Islam on the site Islamreligion and also come to us with any questions or concerns you have through this journey of learning. You have already taken the brave and beautiful first step in coming to IB, and for that, I say bravo.

I truly wish that all things work out in the best way. Please do not be concerned about gaining acceptance as yet from her family as probably in their minds the wounds are still fresh, and it may be that if you decide to become Muslim they may with persuasion come around; at this time though, please focus on your life and learning about Islam God-willing.

Thank you.

Wishing you awesomeness and happiness,

 

[youngen]

if you really cared about your girlfriend, either leave her-since dating is haram and a Muslim woman courting a non Muslim man is a sin-or look into converting to Islam regardless of her own piety or if she only followed Islam out of force....if you do decide to be Muslim, which will bring you peace and make you a welcome and cherished member of the ummah (Muslim community), try to be as pious as possible and remember that everything happens for a reason in Islam, and try to apologize to her family.....also, try to get your girlfriend to practice Islam as well

She hasn't renounced her faith so she still does believe in god, like I said I caught her twice praying while I was watching tv so I know she still believes.

I just received a really friendly helpful PM from someone but I can't reply for some reason.

I'll just talk it over with her, whatever she wants I'll do, if she wants me to learn about Islam I will but obviously I can't just become muslim if I don't believe it.

Thanks again for the advice.

 

[Saleem Khan]

She barely follows it herself though, she's never once asked me to learn about it. I guess there's no harm in reading a bit but even if I became Muslim, her parents clearly hate me and will still not approve of me regardless.

I strongly disagree about me destroying her life and resenting me. Her parents are very controlling and she was quite unhappy living there but like I said, I just don't know to be the person responsible for their breakup, but it's really just out of my hands, they disowned her after all. She didn't leave by her own doing, they kicked her out.

Plus I'm pretty sure her older sister wants to kill me lol so that's another family member who will probably never approve of me.

The reason they hate you so much is because you dated their daughter behind their backs. What you have done has brought a huge amount of disgrace and dishonour to the family. In the Muslim community this is a very serious thing she has done. They may even hate her more than they hate you at the moment due to the disgrace she has brought upon the family. You both have handled this very badly.

It should have been handled in a different manner.

 

[Bhabha]

Even if you were a Muslim. She would still not be able to date you!

The boyfriend/girlfriend thing is nothing permanent. You have brought shame to her and to her family. Even in a non Muslim family with traditional values such as my mom and dad, dating someone without their consent and knowledge is nefarious. Dating someone and choosing that person over your family is double nefarious because it means she has absolutely no regard for her parents concern, let alone for their position in the community. It's like she took the years that they raised her, clothed her, loved her, fed her and took a knife to shove it in their backs.

Your marriage if you ever plan on marrying her will be filled with regret because if she marries you and she is still a conscious Muslim as you stated she will be in constant spiritual conflict. You as a non Muslim might be able to provide financially, but that spiritual aspect that she has will come into conflict and will either win or loose. Her faith, conviction, her love for Allah (God) will be in continual conflict because she is doing something that is damaging her spiritual life.

It is not just converting or not converting or doing the act of becoming Muslim by voice but not by heart. Since converting for the sake of being Muslim in order to date... Is equally bad as Muslims do not date. Muslims can court, but living together is a no. Moreover becoming Muslim without intention is a lie and can be more damaging. You need to put yourself in her position and to consider the irreparable damage that is happening right now and the one that can happen in the future. Her belief is part of her identity, take that out and she will feel loss, let that come into conflict and she will constantly be in spiritual and mental turmoil.


Edit on that note;

I think the best solution will be for you to arrange a meeting with her parents and apologize for the position that you have put their daughter in.

If you aren't interested in Islam or to see the good things in it so that you can at least contemplate on the spiritual aspect of her life. Are you considering marriage with her? How will her life be with you married?

Husbands in Islam are supposed to be the spiritual guidance. How will your children be raised? Do you drink? Party? Eat pork?

Family life is not just nuclear. Marriage becomes a connection between both families, an extension. Parents are care for by the children. Think of these things if your plan is long term. If it is not long term... Think of the damage when you break up with her, the fact that since her family has disowned her she is literally your responsibility and what happens if there is a fight?

How long have you been together?

 

[s.ali123]

Even if you were a Muslim. She would still not be able to date you!

The boyfriend/girlfriend thing is nothing permanent. You have brought shame to her and to her family. Even in a non Muslim family with traditional values such as my mom and dad, dating someone without their consent and knowledge is nefarious. Dating someone and choosing that person over your family is double nefarious because it means she has absolutely no regard for her parents concern, let alone for their position in the community. It's like she took the years that they raised her, clothed her, loved her, fed her and took a knife to shove it in their backs.

Your marriage if you ever plan on marrying her will be filled with regret because if she marries you and she is still a conscious Muslim as you stated she will be in constant spiritual conflict. You as a non Muslim might be able to provide financially, but that spiritual aspect that she has will come into conflict and will either win or loose. Her faith, conviction, her love for Allah (God) will be in continual conflict because she is doing something that is damaging her spiritual life.

It is not just converting or not converting or doing the act of becoming Muslim by voice but not by heart. Since converting for the sake of being Muslim in order to date... Is equally bad as Muslims do not date. Muslims can court, but living together is a no. Moreover becoming Muslim without intention is a lie and can be more damaging. You need to put yourself in her position and to consider the irreparable damage that is happening right now and the one that can happen in the future. Her belief is part of her identity, take that out and she will feel loss, let that come into conflict and she will constantly be in spiritual and mental turmoil.


Edit on that note;

I think the best solution will be for you to arrange a meeting with her parents and apologize for the position that you have put their daughter in.

If you aren't interested in Islam or to see the good things in it so that you can at least contemplate on the spiritual aspect of her life. Are you considering marriage with her? How will her life be with you married?

Husbands in Islam are supposed to be the spiritual guidance. How will your children be raised? Do you drink? Party? Eat pork?

Family life is not just nuclear. Marriage becomes a connection between both families, an extension. Parents are care for by the children. Think of these things if your plan is long term. If it is not long term... Think of the damage when you break up with her, the fact that since her family has disowned her she is literally your responsibility and what happens if there is a fight?

How long have you been together?

I agree with it as well. This is not the first time we are seeing this. Many times people take hasty decision but face the consequences in the long run. As you said that she is still having faith, in the wrong run, she will start feeling guilty of her action that her living with you is sinful etc, and then it will be terrible for you relation, even if you married her, she would still remain in dilemna.
I also think that you should look into Islam as well. She at least deserve that much. She lost too much for this relation. And don't think that whether her family will accept you or not. For now learn about the religion, and see and for yourself. You seem to be a decent person, otherwise you would not be here asking for advice Many people just leave the girl under such circumstances. May God help you with everything!

 

[youngen]

Even if you were a Muslim. She would still not be able to date you!

The boyfriend/girlfriend thing is nothing permanent. You have brought shame to her and to her family. Even in a non Muslim family with traditional values such as my mom and dad, dating someone without their consent and knowledge is nefarious. Dating someone and choosing that person over your family is double nefarious because it means she has absolutely no regard for her parents concern, let alone for their position in the community. It's like she took the years that they raised her, clothed her, loved her, fed her and took a knife to shove it in their backs.

Your marriage if you ever plan on marrying her will be filled with regret because if she marries you and she is still a conscious Muslim as you stated she will be in constant spiritual conflict. You as a non Muslim might be able to provide financially, but that spiritual aspect that she has will come into conflict and will either win or loose. Her faith, conviction, her love for Allah (God) will be in continual conflict because she is doing something that is damaging her spiritual life.

It is not just converting or not converting or doing the act of becoming Muslim by voice but not by heart. Since converting for the sake of being Muslim in order to date... Is equally bad as Muslims do not date. Muslims can court, but living together is a no. Moreover becoming Muslim without intention is a lie and can be more damaging. You need to put yourself in her position and to consider the irreparable damage that is happening right now and the one that can happen in the future. Her belief is part of her identity, take that out and she will feel loss, let that come into conflict and she will constantly be in spiritual and mental turmoil.


Edit on that note;

I think the best solution will be for you to arrange a meeting with her parents and apologize for the position that you have put their daughter in.

If you aren't interested in Islam or to see the good things in it so that you can at least contemplate on the spiritual aspect of her life. Are you considering marriage with her? How will her life be with you married?

Husbands in Islam are supposed to be the spiritual guidance. How will your children be raised? Do you drink? Party? Eat pork?

Family life is not just nuclear. Marriage becomes a connection between both families, an extension. Parents are care for by the children. Think of these things if your plan is long term. If it is not long term... Think of the damage when you break up with her, the fact that since her family has disowned her she is literally your responsibility and what happens if there is a fight?

How long have you been together?

Thank you all again for the comment, critical or not, it helps.

We have been seeing each other for just over a year. I am all for compromise, she's already banned me from eating pork lol, she won't kiss me if I've eaten it, plus it really annoys her when I eat it so I've just stopped eating it all together. I have accepted that some things about her are different to my way of life. I do not smoke or drink alcohol or do drugs anyway, I'm sensible.

I understand that the breakup is terrible which is why I wanted to try and get things back on track. The problem is she is totally fine with me not being muslim, it's not like she is pressuring me and I'm fighting with her over it. We've spoken about religion like three or four times just during random conversations. The only thing we argue about pretty much is what restaurant to eat at (halal only, that's ok by me) and what movie to go watch lol. She's super chill. My family fully accept her, but I do fully understand how poorly frowned upon bf/gf relationships are and marriage to non muslims.

Maybe if I start learning about islam she might start practising more and who knows, I might even believe it. Then we could transition to an islamic marriage of some sorts. It's a long shot but at least I can say I tried it.

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

sounds like she has some faith in her, her distaste for that which Islam does not permit proves this.

I hope she realises that Islam isn't there to make life difficult

nothing is more sad then a family broken up, just thinking about it gets me down and I dont even know you guys

her family may be shouting and giving an earful but their hearts have been ripped up. I know if my daughter ever did this to me I would spiral out of control