My mother takes everything out of context to criticize my religion and shouts at me, she also says that my beliefs are not real and that I'm being manipulated. Today I had to defend myself and shouted at her and threw a powder chocolate can in the floor out of angryness, note that I'm 13 years old and have to deal with my Islamophobic family and online. I acknowledge that they are the real losers.
Asalaamu Alaikum,
My brother we must not display such anger towards our parents, whether they are Muslim or not. We must not even say "uff" to them let alone start throwing things in a tantrum. Whenever you feel angry towards them, then just walk away without saying anything and either go for a walk or sit or lay down and you will eventually feel calm.
Allah says: “But if they (both) strive with you to make you join in worship with Me others that of which you have no knowledge, then obey them not; but behave with them in the world kindly” [Luqmaan 31:15]
Ibraaheem (As) debated with his Mushrik father in a polite manner, as Allah tells us:
“And mention in the Book (the Qur’aan) Ibraaheem (Abraham). Verily, he was a man of truth, a Prophet.
42. When he said to his father: ‘O my father! Why do you worship that which hears not, sees not and cannot avail you in anything?
43. ‘O my father! Verily, there has come to me of the knowledge that which came not unto you. So follow me, I will guide you to the Straight Path.
44. ‘O my father! Worship not Shaytaan (Satan). Verily, Shaytaan (Satan) has been a rebel against the Most Gracious (Allah).
45. “O my father! Verily, I fear lest a torment from the Most Gracious (Allaah) should overtake you, so that you become a companion of Shaytaan (Satan) (in the Hell‑fire).’
46. He (the father) said: ‘Do you reject my gods, O Ibraaheem (Abraham)? If you stop not (this), I will indeed stone you. So get away from me safely (before I punish you).’
47. Ibraaheem (As) said: ‘Peace be on you! I will ask forgiveness of my Lord for you. Verily, He is unto me Ever Most Gracious’”[Maryam 19:41-47]
Look at the etiquette of Ibrahim (As), and how he addressed his Mushrik father who threatened him. This offers an eloquent lesson for those of us who are tested with such parents.
Surely Allah knows best about how we should behave towards people and he has purposely given our parents the right that we must honour and respect them. Even if we disagree with them and they frustrate and annoy us. Why? Because that's the test of life. The way in which we must view every aspect of our lives is to internalise in our minds that whatever test, hardship and adversity we are put through especially when it comes from our parents then this is because it has been ordained upon us as a test for us. This is because Allah has only created us to see which of us as his creations are best in conduct:
[He] who created death and life to test you [as to] which of you is best in deed - and He is the Exalted in Might, the Forgiving (Qur'an 67:2)
So Allah has given us our parents, siblings and families as a test for one another. We are a test for our parents and they are a test for us. Surely we cannot expect our lives to be a smooth ride? Of course we will be tested:
Allah says: Do people think once they say, “We believe,” that they will be left without being put to the test? We certainly tested those before them. And ˹in this way˺ Allah will clearly distinguish between those who are truthful and those who are liars.(Qur'an: 29:2,3)
The reality is that our parents are a means of us being able to gain hugely immense rewards - IF we are able to remain patient and continue to serve them and give them the honour and respect they deserve. However if we keep listening to shaythan and allowing whatever they say and their actions to frustrate and annoy us and even make us cut off connections with them then surely we would be at huge loss in this world and especially the next.
It was narrated that Asma’ bint Abi Bakr (Ra) said: My mother came to me when she was a Mushrik. I consulted the Messenger of Allah (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) and said: O Messenger of Allaah, my mother has come to me and she is expecting (something), should I uphold the ties of kinship with my mother? He said: “Yes, uphold the ties of kinship with your mother.” (al-Bukhaari (2620) and Muslim (1003).
Those closest to us can pose the biggest challenge because they know us so well and, hence, can manipulate us to their advantage, causing us much hurt. However, as Allah advises us in the Qu’ran, we must take the higher path and choose forgiveness and continue to honour and respect them regardless. Especially as we are Muslims and in your case they are not. Displaying exemplary character is the best way to invite a non believer to Islam. So display the best of character, manners and behave towards your family if you really want them to be attracted towards Islam and accept Islam inshaAllah.
Also know that your parents rights to honour and good treatment are not waived if they fall short and mistreat you. If they fall short, then you should not fall short. You are a Muslim and must display exemplary character and manners. This is what will invite them towards Islam not just inviting them with empty words. It may also be that you are not behaving right towards them. Maybe you are saying things to them in a way that they misinterpret it and take it out of context. So you must change your approach. If they attack your practice of Islam or anything related to Islam then refute them with wisdom and tact and continue to treat them in the best of manner regardless of how they are towards you. However if they tell you to do anything that goes against Islam then you must not obey them in such cases. But you must still do so respectfully and also try to compromise with them and make them see sense.
Know that no matter how bad a person maybe towards us then they do not forget good and kind treatment, even if they may outwardly appear as though they may be ignoring it. Hence why the most beneficial way of dealing with your Parents and family is to be gentle, kind, well mannered and draw closer to them and be merciful towards them in your approach and behaviour. Also keep asking of Allah to guide them. Know that your kind treatment of your parents and family will not be wasted before Allah, and it will bear fruit for you in this world and in the Hereafter inshaAllah.
Finally the Prophet (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) said, “The best of you are the best to their families, and I am the best to my family. (Sunan al-Tirmidhī 3895). So let us strive to be the best towards our families solely for the sake of Allah!
May Allah enable us to be the best towards
