My marriage

[Amran_A]

Salam brothers and sisters.

I have known my wife for the last 6 years and been married for 5 years this July and we have a beautiful, intelligent girl aged just over 2 years.

My wife had a very happy childhood up until the age of 15 then her father passed away, to whom she was very close to. Soon after her family decided to get her married off back home against her wishes to which she ran away and moved to London, her family disowned her.

With no one to turn to at such a young age she managed to survive this great ordeal and educate herself to degree level and became a very strong independent women.

After a few years her mother got diagnosed with brain tumor and they all managed to put their differences aside and she moved back in with her family. My mother inlaw managed to beat the tumor and recover to full health.

A little about me.
I was a shy young man that hadn't really expericed the outside world. I was a closed book that didnt really share my feelings even with my friends or family. I wasn't really close to my family and had only ever had one girlfriend in my teenage years but that didn't really last long and took me a very very long time to get over. My life was working and going on holidays every few months with my friends.

This is where I met my wife.
We met on shaadi.com (online marriage site)
I sent her a message thinking this girl will never in a million years reply back to me, but with some luck we got talking and after a month or so we met up.
I thought she was an amazing beautiful strong women that had experienced so much pain in her life but yet she was always smiling and laughing. She was slowly taking me out my shell and getting me to open up. I was over the moon that I had her in my life and how lucky I was to be given even have half a chance with her. As we got to know each other more, she was the only person I have ever opened up to in my entire life I even lied about having lot's of girlfriends to look good in her eyes so she wouldn't think I was a loser. To this day I haven't told her the truth she still thinks I've had loads of girlfriends.

She touched my heart and we both fell in love. I thought I had met my soul mate I was so lucky to have her in my life.* After a year of ups and downs we got married going against both our families.

Both our families never really accepted either of us.

We both struggled getting used to married life and had our ups and downs, she even left me and went back to her family a year or so after being married, but I managed to win her over and she came back against her families wishes to which her family stopped talking to both of us.
Most of my wife's siblings live their own separate lives as they dont get on very well.

After 2 years we were blessed with a baby girl by the gracious of Allah. We finally had our own little family. It was the happiest time of my life to have a wife so caring and to be blessed with a beautiful daughter. I appeared my wife so much but rarely showed it.

Not one member of my wife's family came to visit or see our baby daughter but me and my wife made an effort to go see my inlaws with our new born.*

We both have full time jobs and I also have a part time job and my parents look after our daughter whilst we both work.

As time went on both of us being busy with work, our daughter and chores we lost how close we were and started drifting away a little. We didn't have much time for just me and her.

We're living at my parents house while saving up for a deposit for our own place.
My wife's dream was to have her own place that she could call home with her own family which she never had from a young age.
We were ready to add to our family but being in the situation we were in we had no choice but to wait until we had our own place.

Even though my family didn't accept my wife fully she always made an effort with my siblings and always respected my parents.
Even though she had a full time job she would do the usual cooking cleaning and so on, not because she had to but because she wanted to.
She craved the love of my family which she never got, But it didn't matter because me, my wife and my daughter lived our own lives and were very happy with our close knit family.

My wife had always supported me in every way she could she was always pushing me to become a better person to dream big, before marriage I accumulated a large amount of debt to which my wife helped me pay off my debts with her own money whilst I paid her back slowly.

Early last year my mother inlaw was diagnosed with cancer at the last stages. She passed away after completing her last wish to do umrah.

This turned my wife's world upside down, she was in a very bad way and I could see how fragile she had become and that she was at breaking point and I felt so helpless that my wife was in so much pain that I couldn't help in any way. All I could do was comfort her and pray for her. This also had a very deep impact on me as I had never experienced death this up close and personal but with me and my daughter by my wife's side we got through it. I supported her whatever way I could.

We still had our petty lititle arguments as every husband and wife do but my wife became very very personal attacking every member of my family and attacking me, she even said I have ruined her life by marrying her and that she wants a divorce but I always pushed to make up and fix things between us.

Last September a few months after my mother inlaw had passed away.
Allah had invited me and my parents to go do hajj which my wife played a big role in putting through, financially for me and to sorting everything out and even booking the tickets.

We had agreed that my daughter would stay with my wife's sister for 3 weeks as I would be going to hajj and my wife was unable to get any time off work.

My wife and her sister fell out over old issues they had when my wife run away when she was young.

Her sister took her own family away on holiday out of spite so she wouldn't have to look after my daughter.
The only option we had was to leave my daughter with my brother at home.

Hajj was the most amazing experience I have ever had in my life. I felt like I had become closer to my religion, and all this was down to my wife for pushing me to go.
I felt so proud that I had a wife like her by my side.

During this time my wife's nephew from her sister had stared abusing drugs and getting in trouble with the police. He was admitted to a metal hospital. He was having a mental breakdown. Her nephew has father issues.
My wife's sisters first marrige didn't work out she was left by herself with her son.

My wife reached out to her sister offering her support for her nephew.
They again my wife and her sister got over their differences and became close.

Last month we finally had reached our goal and had saved up enough deposit to move away. We stared looking at places mainly my wife close to my parents house my wife's idea so we could drop my daughter off in the morning and* both carry on working.

During the Christmas period my wife spent a few days around her sisters and I went over a and stayed a couple of days too, other family members also came round to her sisters.
We were all happy having fun. My wife talking about how when we get our place everyone can come round and stay discussing the colour of the walls etc. Me and my wife even went to see furniture to get an idea of what to buy.

I came back early as I had work the next day and left my wife there for another couple days.

She came back on the train and I picked her up from the station. On the way back she was very quiet and out of nowhere she says to me she is moving to Birmingham if I want to come I can otherwise she's leaving. I was shocked I didn't know where this was coming from.*

It was only a few days ago we were looking to buy a home in London but now she's threatening me to go Birmingham or she will be leaving me taking my daughter with her.

The next day my wife discussed the issue with my mum adding she can't live with me and she has struggled to live with me the last few years and that she can't afford to live in London and she's moving to Birmingham and if I wanted to come I can but regardless she's leaving.

The next day my mum sat down with me to ask me why I didn't want to go Birmingham and said that if I wanted to go and spend my life over there with my family I should.
I disagreed.

At this moment my wife came into the room and started saying she has done so much for me she has sent everyone to hajj payed all my debts, and it got blown into a full argument with my siblings against my wife.
My wife decided she wanted to leave and go to her sisters so decided to call her sister to come pick her up.

Everyone was shouting at each other, a lot was said during this heated argument by eveyone and I told my wife I wanted divorce out of anger.
I was losing my head I didn't know what was going on.

My sister called the police as she thought my wife's sisters family was coming down to cause trouble with my parents.

My wife's sister came and my daughter and wife left with them.

Since then I have been trying to call my wife but her sister is refusing talk to me and refusing to let me see my daughter. My wife's family are refusing to talk to me or my family. My wife has completely blocked me out of her life changed her number and is refusing to talk to me or let me see my daughter.

I have tried many times emailing her but no response as this is the only way I can contact her without going through a member of her family. No one is willing to talk to me to resolve this. Even my own family have said I am better off without her and to start court proceedings to see my daughter.

I have explained to my family everything my wife has done for me and that she has felt unloved by my family. I still want my wife and daughter in my life.

Everything that was said during the argument was out of anger from all parties but no one wants to resolve anything. All I want is to be with my daughter and my wife.

I have found out my wife is commuting in from Birmingham everyday to work.

We have been apart for 11 days and still no one is willing to resolve anything apart from me.
All I want is my family back.

Please brothers and sisters help I don't have a clue what went wrong and how to fix this. I am stuck.

 

[Kiro]

No one replied? I will try then...

 

[Scimitar]

Kiro, you're too young and inexperienced with life to offer any help - in fact - your advice may make things a lot worse, should the OP heed it.

You have to ask yourself, Kiro, why the older members refrain from replying to threads such as these. The short answer is, we do not want to advise something which may cause more harm.

This situation is something which requires a lot of knowledge on Islamic opinions from the scholars. Now, I am not married and though 40+ years of age, I do not feel qualified to offer any advice on this thread, at all.

Factor in also, how we also have only one side of the story. And you realise, advising the OP is not really something which is honorable given that we do not have the full story. In fact, it is, playing to a bias... something I hate doing.

As for the brother who made this thread, all I can do is make dua that Allah ease for you, your wife and your child, your affairs and reunite you stronger than ever before, Ameen.

Scimi

 

[Kiro]

Kiro, you're too young and inexperienced with life to offer any help - in fact - your advice may make things a lot worse, should the OP heed it.

You have to ask yourself, Kiro, why the older members refrain from replying to threads such as these. The short answer is, we do not want to advise something which may cause more harm.

This situation is something which requires a lot of knowledge on Islamic opinions from the scholars. Now, I am not married and though 40+ years of age, I do not feel qualified to offer any advice on this thread, at all.

Factor in also, how we also have only one side of the story. And you realise, advising the OP is not really something which is honorable given that we do not have the full story. In fact, it is, playing to a bias... something I hate doing.

As for the brother who made this thread, all I can do is make dua that Allah ease for you, your wife and your child, your affairs and reunite you stronger than ever before, Ameen.

Scimi

But I will say after reading the thread.

Make dua to Allah to ease your problems and have us be able to follow the sunnah of the Prophet :saws1:

 

[ardianto]

Assalamualaikum, brother Amran.

I am 49 years old. Father of two boys. I've ever married for 19 years until my beloved wife passed away three and half years ago. When my marriage was in sixth year, my wife ever left me for few months, back to her parent home with my son. The cause was quarrel between my wife and my mother.

Same like you, I wanted my wife and my son back to me. However, I tried not to urge her. I didn't tell my wife "you should back to our home" or "Please, back to me". What I did was visiting them everyday, although her brothers and sister were angry at me, although her father refused to talk with me. Yes, her father did not want to talk with me, but I always tried to greet politely when I visit there.

I did not just visit, but I always gave money for my wife and brought something for my son. Yeah, I hoped my wife and her family realize, although my wife probably didn't want to back to the home, I would never neglect my duty as husband and father.

Her mother attitude was better. I could talk with her from heart to heart. But then something happened. She got heart attack and passed away.

I still visited my wife after my mother in-law passed away. Until something happened. On day when was in my home I heard door bell rang. I looked from the window and I saw my wife and my son. Yes, Alhamdulillah, she decided to back to me.

Later my wife told me. she said, when she left me actually she has thought to ask divorce, and she asked me, what would I do if she ask divorce?. I told her that I would let her divorce me if she really wanted it. But I would never neglect my duty as father of my son, and I would always be there for her whenever she need me, although she was no longer my wife. She just silent and didn't say anything. But I know, she promised in her heart that she would never leave me again. And she never leave me again until Allah called her return to Him.

Yeah, bro. I did not urge my wife to back to me. What I did just love her, love her, and love her. This is what made her decide to back to me. Indeed, in the heart of a woman, the true love is not the love that spoken by words, but love that proven by action.

I know, my problem was not same as your problem, and the situation was not as difficult as situation that you face. But I hope, you can take something from my experience that I share in this post.

 

[Eric H]

Greetings and peace be with you Amran_A; and welcome to the forum;

From a practical point of view, I can understand why your wife would want to move to Birmingham, she is probably spending three to four hours a day travelling, she must be constantly tired. House prices will be much cheaper in Birmingham than London, if she is the main earner, it would seem better for her to be near her work.

I have learned in marriage that you have to keep making sacrifices, you have to keep forgiving and letting go, say you are sorry for the things you said. Pray for your wife and daughter, I like the advice given by ardianto.

The way you described your wife, it seems as if she always tries to make up with those who have hurt her, so all is not lost. It is always easy to give advice because we do not have to carry it out. Only you know your true circumstances, but you have to trust that Allah wants your marriage to work, so never give up hope in Allah. Keep praying, be patient.

May you be blessed, and may you pass this blessing onto those you love and care for.

Eric

 

[Amran_A]

Thank you brothers I am trying very hard to have sabr and praying everyday for my wife and daughter.

My wife has called the police today asking to get my daughters passport.

I still haven't been able to to contact my wife at all.

 

[Muhaba]

Salam brothers and sisters.

I have known my wife for the last 6 years and been married for 5 years this July and we have a beautiful, intelligent girl aged just over 2 years.

My wife had a very happy childhood up until the age of 15 then her father passed away, to whom she was very close to. Soon after her family decided to get her married off back home against her wishes to which she ran away and moved to London, her family disowned her.

With no one to turn to at such a young age she managed to survive this great ordeal and educate herself to degree level and became a very strong independent women.

After a few years her mother got diagnosed with brain tumor and they all managed to put their differences aside and she moved back in with her family. My mother inlaw managed to beat the tumor and recover to full health.

A little about me.
I was a shy young man that hadn't really expericed the outside world. I was a closed book that didnt really share my feelings even with my friends or family. I wasn't really close to my family and had only ever had one girlfriend in my teenage years but that didn't really last long and took me a very very long time to get over. My life was working and going on holidays every few months with my friends.

This is where I met my wife.
We met on shaadi.com (online marriage site)
I sent her a message thinking this girl will never in a million years reply back to me, but with some luck we got talking and after a month or so we met up.
I thought she was an amazing beautiful strong women that had experienced so much pain in her life but yet she was always smiling and laughing. She was slowly taking me out my shell and getting me to open up. I was over the moon that I had her in my life and how lucky I was to be given even have half a chance with her. As we got to know each other more, she was the only person I have ever opened up to in my entire life I even lied about having lot's of girlfriends to look good in her eyes so she wouldn't think I was a loser. To this day I haven't told her the truth she still thinks I've had loads of girlfriends.

She touched my heart and we both fell in love. I thought I had met my soul mate I was so lucky to have her in my life.* After a year of ups and downs we got married going against both our families.

Both our families never really accepted either of us.

We both struggled getting used to married life and had our ups and downs, she even left me and went back to her family a year or so after being married, but I managed to win her over and she came back against her families wishes to which her family stopped talking to both of us.
Most of my wife's siblings live their own separate lives as they dont get on very well.

After 2 years we were blessed with a baby girl by the gracious of Allah. We finally had our own little family. It was the happiest time of my life to have a wife so caring and to be blessed with a beautiful daughter. I appeared my wife so much but rarely showed it.

Not one member of my wife's family came to visit or see our baby daughter but me and my wife made an effort to go see my inlaws with our new born.*

We both have full time jobs and I also have a part time job and my parents look after our daughter whilst we both work.

As time went on both of us being busy with work, our daughter and chores we lost how close we were and started drifting away a little. We didn't have much time for just me and her.

We're living at my parents house while saving up for a deposit for our own place.
My wife's dream was to have her own place that she could call home with her own family which she never had from a young age.
We were ready to add to our family but being in the situation we were in we had no choice but to wait until we had our own place.

Even though my family didn't accept my wife fully she always made an effort with my siblings and always respected my parents.
Even though she had a full time job she would do the usual cooking cleaning and so on, not because she had to but because she wanted to.
She craved the love of my family which she never got, But it didn't matter because me, my wife and my daughter lived our own lives and were very happy with our close knit family.

My wife had always supported me in every way she could she was always pushing me to become a better person to dream big, before marriage I accumulated a large amount of debt to which my wife helped me pay off my debts with her own money whilst I paid her back slowly.

Early last year my mother inlaw was diagnosed with cancer at the last stages. She passed away after completing her last wish to do umrah.

This turned my wife's world upside down, she was in a very bad way and I could see how fragile she had become and that she was at breaking point and I felt so helpless that my wife was in so much pain that I couldn't help in any way. All I could do was comfort her and pray for her. This also had a very deep impact on me as I had never experienced death this up close and personal but with me and my daughter by my wife's side we got through it. I supported her whatever way I could.

We still had our petty lititle arguments as every husband and wife do but my wife became very very personal attacking every member of my family and attacking me, she even said I have ruined her life by marrying her and that she wants a divorce but I always pushed to make up and fix things between us.

Last September a few months after my mother inlaw had passed away.
Allah had invited me and my parents to go do hajj which my wife played a big role in putting through, financially for me and to sorting everything out and even booking the tickets.

We had agreed that my daughter would stay with my wife's sister for 3 weeks as I would be going to hajj and my wife was unable to get any time off work.

My wife and her sister fell out over old issues they had when my wife run away when she was young.

Her sister took her own family away on holiday out of spite so she wouldn't have to look after my daughter.
The only option we had was to leave my daughter with my brother at home.

Hajj was the most amazing experience I have ever had in my life. I felt like I had become closer to my religion, and all this was down to my wife for pushing me to go.
I felt so proud that I had a wife like her by my side.

During this time my wife's nephew from her sister had stared abusing drugs and getting in trouble with the police. He was admitted to a metal hospital. He was having a mental breakdown. Her nephew has father issues.
My wife's sisters first marrige didn't work out she was left by herself with her son.

My wife reached out to her sister offering her support for her nephew.
They again my wife and her sister got over their differences and became close.

Last month we finally had reached our goal and had saved up enough deposit to move away. We stared looking at places mainly my wife close to my parents house my wife's idea so we could drop my daughter off in the morning and* both carry on working.

During the Christmas period my wife spent a few days around her sisters and I went over a and stayed a couple of days too, other family members also came round to her sisters.
We were all happy having fun. My wife talking about how when we get our place everyone can come round and stay discussing the colour of the walls etc. Me and my wife even went to see furniture to get an idea of what to buy.

I came back early as I had work the next day and left my wife there for another couple days.

She came back on the train and I picked her up from the station. On the way back she was very quiet and out of nowhere she says to me she is moving to Birmingham if I want to come I can otherwise she's leaving. I was shocked I didn't know where this was coming from.*

It was only a few days ago we were looking to buy a home in London but now she's threatening me to go Birmingham or she will be leaving me taking my daughter with her.

The next day my wife discussed the issue with my mum adding she can't live with me and she has struggled to live with me the last few years and that she can't afford to live in London and she's moving to Birmingham and if I wanted to come I can but regardless she's leaving.

The next day my mum sat down with me to ask me why I didn't want to go Birmingham and said that if I wanted to go and spend my life over there with my family I should.
I disagreed.

At this moment my wife came into the room and started saying she has done so much for me she has sent everyone to hajj payed all my debts, and it got blown into a full argument with my siblings against my wife.
My wife decided she wanted to leave and go to her sisters so decided to call her sister to come pick her up.

Everyone was shouting at each other, a lot was said during this heated argument by eveyone and I told my wife I wanted divorce out of anger.
I was losing my head I didn't know what was going on.

My sister called the police as she thought my wife's sisters family was coming down to cause trouble with my parents.

My wife's sister came and my daughter and wife left with them.

Since then I have been trying to call my wife but her sister is refusing talk to me and refusing to let me see my daughter. My wife's family are refusing to talk to me or my family. My wife has completely blocked me out of her life changed her number and is refusing to talk to me or let me see my daughter.

I have tried many times emailing her but no response as this is the only way I can contact her without going through a member of her family. No one is willing to talk to me to resolve this. Even my own family have said I am better off without her and to start court proceedings to see my daughter.

I have explained to my family everything my wife has done for me and that she has felt unloved by my family. I still want my wife and daughter in my life.

Everything that was said during the argument was out of anger from all parties but no one wants to resolve anything. All I want is to be with my daughter and my wife.

I have found out my wife is commuting in from Birmingham everyday to work.

We have been apart for 11 days and still no one is willing to resolve anything apart from me.
All I want is my family back.

Please brothers and sisters help I don't have a clue what went wrong and how to fix this. I am stuck.

It is obvious your wife has no brain of her own and is being misled by her family, who couldn't even be good to her and help out (take care of your duaghter) when she needed it. And your wife is goodnatured but easily misled. I suggest marriage counseling and contacting a lawyer to deal with things. Your wife can't take your daughter from you without your permission. I think it can amount to kidnapping. Anyway, I don't suggest going for a divorce but you need proper advice and you and your wife need marriage counseling to sort out your problems. and you need to find out why your wife wants to live in Birmingham (and take the trouble of commuting to work everyday instead of living closer to work).

If the reason why your wife has become against you is money you took from her, then tell her you will repay her if she wants. Find out the reason she changed all of a sudden, get marriage counseling, and sort out your family problems. But most of all, make dua for your wife's guidance. If she thinks you are getting your way by getting a place close to your family, then you can show her how living in London is better for her since she works there and it's not because your family lives there. Finally, you can put off buying a place of your own until you come to terms on which place is best for buying a house. And give your wife a say in where to buy a house, especially if she has put money in it too.

May Allah guide you and your wife to do what's best

 

[Amran_A]

It's been 13 days and still not been able to speak to my wife.
Her family are still refusing to solve anything

 

[ardianto]

It's been 13 days and still not been able to speak to my wife.
Her family are still refusing to solve anything

You know where your wife work. Have you tried to meet her on the street?.

 

[Amran_A]

Im been thinking about it but not sure if it'll make things worse. I've tried calling her work place but she's never available.

 

[Amran_A]

I've been thinking about it but not sure if it'll make things worse.
I've tried calling her work place but she's never available.

 

[ardianto]

If you phone her in her workplace, yeah, very possible she will tell her colleague to tell you that she is not there. But if you appear in front of her, her reaction might be different.

I do not suggest you to wait in front of her workplace where she can see you, because it can make her feel annoyed. So my suggestion is wait on the place where she usually walk. I can't say it will work, because it depend on how your attitude, how you behave when you meet her. If you behave wrong, indeed, it can make situation worse. So be careful.

Okay, I will tell my story. Before I married my wife I've ever had previous future-wife. One day there was a problem that made her decide to not marry me. Her family were angry too that made me could not meet her at her home. So I decided to meet her on the street. I waited on the street where she usually walked home. When she came I approached her, smile and greet her. In the beginning, yeah, she was still angry. But then after I talked with her, her heart began to soften and was willing to accept me again.

Brother, if you just try to phone your wife, but you do not try to meet her, she can assume that you are not really serious expect her to back to you. It can make her think why she should back to you?. In my previous post, indeed, I told I how I challenged my wife. But your situation is different.

So try to meet your wife, not just try to phone her in her workplace.

 

[Amran_A]

Thank you brother. I will try meet my wife next week.

I did some online shopping for my daughter and sent it to my wife's sisters house where my daughter is staying and they returned everything back.

 

[Serinity]

may Allah help you. Ameen.


Remember - thank Allah for the blessings He :swt: gave you. you have ISLAM. Alhamdulillah. Rely on Allah, do Tahajjud, and ask Allah for help.

I testify that by turning to Allah, and seeking counsel and Guidance from Allah, that Allah will guide you towards a solution. True happiness is with Islam, try to solve this situation by the solutions Allah has provided for you.

Control your anger, etc. Ask a scholar for advice, since Scholars are blessed with knowledge by Allah. Perhaps this experience will remind you of Allah, and you may learn something from Islam.

Allahu alam

 

[Nur80]

So sorry to hear about the issues you are having, but I really don't think this is the place to get advice. You need to sit down with your wife with someone you both know, and give both sides of the story. I agree with the other comments- seek advice from someone with Islamic knowledge. May Allah make it easy for you.

 

[Amran_A]

I haven't heard from my wife since she left and every time I call my inlaws they don't want to hear anything they even refuse to let me speak to my daughter.

 

[ardianto]

I haven't heard from my wife since she left and every time I call my inlaws they don't want to hear anything they even refuse to let me speak to my daughter.

Try to meet your wife on the street and convince her to accept you again. If she has accepted you again, In Shaa Allah, she will talk to her family to accept you again

Another alternative is try what my sister in-law's husband did when his wife angry and back to her parent home. He sent an ustadz (Islamic teacher) to talk with my parent in-law.