My parents belief on marriage concerns me

[striving4iman]

Salam,
It depresses me to talk about this but I am in desperate need of advice.
I have asked Allah (swt) many times to send me a pious man to marry, and I have fallen deeply for a very pious and generous man but my family is very cultural and I know will not accept him because we are of different nationalities( though we are both arab). I previously had another religious suitor come to me who was shia' and my family denied him soley because of that, though they know sunni-shia marriages are allowed and his beliefs are the same as mine. My family will not accept anyone who is not of their country even if they are religious. Me and the first man I have explained have talked about deen through emails and he has helped me greatly increase my iman alhamdulillah, but when my mother found out we still talked she was very upset even though it was about deen and the only reason she was upset was because he is not of my nationality. We have now stopped talking for the sake of Allah (swt) and he has promised me to come back and ask for my hand in marriage when he finishes school but we both fear they will not accept him not only because we talked after they forbade it even though we have stopped now, but also because he is not of the same country which I find to be unfair to me because I have learned so much from him and would be very happy as his wife. I would love to have my parents blessing but it would crush me if they do not approve and they do not know it I am going through a deep depression because of his absence and my inability to talk of deen with him. I dont want to go against my parents blessing but again, I am already depressed and he has not yet come for me, I am not sure if we will be able to bare losing eachother for a reason like this. I have explained to my mother many times how I am not concerned with someones country, only deen and if they fear Allah (swt) but she has said she will find me a person from our country. I recall reading something that said " Ila ab3ad A7san" ( the farther the better) in regards to marriage so deen can spread but my mother finds an excuse for it. I do not know what to do anymore and I am in great need of help.
By the way I want to make it clear that we are NOT " boyfriend and girlfriend"
May the blessings of Allah (swt) be upon you for your help.
Wa Salam

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

Salam,
It depresses me to talk about this but I am in desperate need of advice.
I have asked Allah (swt) many times to send me a pious man to marry, and I have fallen deeply for a very pious and generous man but my family is very cultural and I know will not accept him because we are of different nationalities( though we are both arab). I previously had another religious suitor come to me who was shia' and my family denied him soley because of that, though they know sunni-shia marriages are allowed and his beliefs are the same as mine. My family will not accept anyone who is not of their country even if they are religious. Me and the first man I have explained have talked about deen through emails and he has helped me greatly increase my iman alhamdulillah, but when my mother found out we still talked she was very upset even though it was about deen and the only reason she was upset was because he is not of my nationality. We have now stopped talking for the sake of Allah (swt) and he has promised me to come back and ask for my hand in marriage when he finishes school but we both fear they will not accept him not only because we talked after they forbade it even though we have stopped now, but also because he is not of the same country which I find to be unfair to me because I have learned so much from him and would be very happy as his wife. I would love to have my parents blessing but it would crush me if they do not approve and they do not know it I am going through a deep depression because of his absence and my inability to talk of deen with him. I dont want to go against my parents blessing but again, I am already depressed and he has not yet come for me, I am not sure if we will be able to bare losing eachother for a reason like this. I have explained to my mother many times how I am not concerned with someones country, only deen and if they fear Allah (swt) but she has said she will find me a person from our country. I recall reading something that said " Ila ab3ad A7san" ( the farther the better) in regards to marriage so deen can spread but my mother finds an excuse for it. I do not know what to do anymore and I am in great need of help.
By the way I want to make it clear that we are NOT " boyfriend and girlfriend"
May the blessings of Allah (swt) be upon you for your help.
Wa Salam

Asalaamu Alaikum, jazakallahu khayran for your sharing your issues with us. Dear sister unfortunatley many of our older generations still hold on tightly to their cultures even though it is contrary to Islamic belief. In Islam parents must not refuse their son or daughter marrying a pious person based on their nationality. Soon inshallah in the next generations these anti Islamic cultural practices will slowly dissapear.

In regards to you considering a Shia man for marriage then your parents were right to refuse you to marry such a man as many scholars of Islam have stated that one should not marry a shia' as many of their beliefs are very deviant and some even lead to kufr. Their beliefs and practices are very different to ours and it may have a detrimental affect on the children. That is why we are advised that it is far better to only consider marrying a pious sunni.

Firstly my sister in regards to you getting to know this man beforehand then your parents were also right to stop you from contacting him as there is no constant contact with a non mahram without the presence of a mahram. Even though two people claim to have done nothing wrong shaythan is always third party to those interactions.

Regardless of what your parents say or do to you then you must still maintain utmost respect and honour for them and do not argue or even say "uff" to them for this is their right. Our children will treat us the way we treated them. The best way to talk to them is in a gentle manner in a lower tone as this is also far more effective than to increase your tone.

Some parents do find it hard to let go of such cultural "norms". But know that they feel they have your best interest at heart. You are their life and they care for you and love you immensley. They feel what they are doing is right for you and the best for you so look at their intentions not just their actions.

Firstly sister invite the family around and take things from there. Though your family have said what they have said they may have said it out of anger when they found out you were in touch with him. Let the family come around and afterwards consult with your parents and make isthikhara a few times asking of Allah to do what is best for you in this situation. Let him also do the same.

After that If you are both positive in wanting to take this forward to marriage then ask of your parents to seriously consider him out of his piety. If they refuse you then still speak to them in a gentle manner but at the same time make it visible how much this has saddened you that they are refusing you to marry him based on his nationality.

Seek the help of an elder in the family or a respected and experienced local scholar to speak to your parents and try and make them understand. All the while keep asking of Allah sincerely and trust in him and put your faith and reliance in him that he will do what is best for you in this and every situation in your life.

Either way you must not be in contact with him. The fact that you were in contact with him in the first place has made you feel this way for him. If you had not then you would not have felt this way.

Know that if you do end up marrying him then know that this was the best for you but if you don't then Allah has someone better in store for you.

I pray that whatever will happen for you in this situation will be the best for you. Ameen