need advice plz for 12yrs old son

[nutty]

Assalamun alaikum


I need some advice...

my 12 year old son really really misbehaves...u talk to him he starts laughing, shouts back..is disrespectful...picks fights with his younger brother for sum reason he cant stand him..is always shouting or hitting him...always talking in a tone with him...hes got i dont care kind attitude wen his teacher at public school have the same concern...wen i tell him to do sumth he completely ignore me...i teach islamic stuff at home nd get him to pray five times a day...Hes not into education of anysort just wants to mess around with his i dnt care kind of attitude

So i got fed-up and told him hes going to an islamic school..hes reaction was i not going and hes been crying nonstop...

is it a good idea to send him to islamic school if so which are the good ones

 

[Abz2000]

it looks like something which has been affecting the youth more and more recently - i have the same type of worries about my son - very hyperactive - i've been looking into the symptoms of adhd and autism and it doesn't seem as bad - but the similarities are there,
i went to Islamic school at a young age and didn't study much though i was good at what i liked - kept getting into trouble - but it gave me a background and after going astray (real bad) later in life - i came back.
the interaction with other Muslim children creates a sense of brotherhood and unity - can't advise you on your decision though as it's your own son,
here are some research points - something every parent should research before allowing government lobbying pharmaceutical companies to inject chemicals into their children:

http://www.lbc.co.uk/glaxosmithkline-fined-18bn-in-drugs-dispute-46929

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2011/05/29/eveningnews/main20067228.shtml

http://axisoflogic.com/artman/publish/Article_63134.shtml

http://www.davidicke.com/headlines/...-vp-as-senior-advisor-to-the-commissioner-fda

they used to tell us that mercury was safe - and brush critics off as "conspiracy theorists"

scroll to 1:41:33 if you are impatient - or watch the whole thing - it's riveting.

The doctor who first suggested a link between MMR vaccinations and autism is to be struck off the medical register.
The General Medical Council found Dr Andrew Wakefield guilty of serious professional misconduct over the way he carried out his controversial research.

The case did not investigate whether Dr Wakefield's findings were right or wrong, instead it focused on the methods of research.

The panel hearing the case took exception with the way he gathered blood samples. Dr Wakefield paid children £5 for the samples at his son's birthday party.

 

[Snowflake]

Assalamu alaykum,

Ukhti ask your GP to refer your son to a child psychologist. There's no single reason why a child behaves like so, and only a professional can diagnose the cause of problematic behavior in children. Also make much dua for you son and recite the verses for protection against the evil eye and sihr on him morning and night.


Also make this dua as the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam used to make for Hassan and Hussain (ra).

[SIZE=+1] 'U'eethukumaa bikalimaatil-laahit-taammati min kulli shaytaanin wa haammatin, wa min kulli 'aynin laammatin.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]I seek protection for you in the Perfect Words of Allah from every devil and every beast , and from every envious blameworthy eye.[/SIZE]
Reference:
Al-Bukhari4/119.

 

[ardianto]

Assalamualaikum, sis Nutty.

May I know how was your son when he was 8-9-10-11 year old ?. Was he nice boy ? or he has been naughty since several years ago ?.

I ask this question because I was not different than your son when I was 12-14 year old.

 

[GuestFellow]

Assalamun alaikum


I need some advice...

my 12 year old son really really misbehaves...u talk to him he starts laughing, shouts back..is disrespectful...picks fights with his younger brother for sum reason he cant stand him..is always shouting or hitting him...always talking in a tone with him...hes got i dont care kind attitude wen his teacher at public school have the same concern...wen i tell him to do sumth he completely ignore me...i teach islamic stuff at home nd get him to pray five times a day...Hes not into education of anysort just wants to mess around with his i dnt care kind of attitude

So i got fed-up and told him hes going to an islamic school..hes reaction was i not going and hes been crying nonstop...

is it a good idea to send him to islamic school if so which are the good ones

:wa:

If I had a son like that, I would beat him up and give him a reality check. I would not tolerate that at all. If you have exhausted all options, beatings should be considered along with a strict routine. Be strict with him and punish him severely.

Sending him to an Islamic school sounds like an excellent idea.

 

[جوري]

Get your son involved in a project or sport he likes. My 12 year old nephew is the exact same, my brother has him in Karate & swimming in fact I am the one who takes him swimming so he'll leave the other kids alone.. he does so well with his coach.. If they're busy doing something constructive they're less likely to be a nuisance ..

& pls don't not vaccinate your kids because of some third party erroneous and absurd information. Get all the facts from your GP not the media!

 

[nutty]

Assalamun alaikum

jazak-Allaah for ur response everyone..
@ardianto - he was a good boy...as he grew up he gradually became this way...may i ask how u turned out if u dnt mind...nd what made you wake up....wat did you parents do??


@Tragic Typos - trust me the beating does him no good..he just laughs it off and starts running around the house...he knows the worse that can happen is he gets beats and dan what??...

he just doesnt realise and understand that his behaviour is wrong and disrespectful..

 

[Ghazalah]

Autism??

I don't think a child psychologist needs to be called in now, yes he doesn't sound like the average 12 year old boy, but he just seems like the ones who get bored very easily so as sis vale said, keep him occupied with things that he will like, don't force him to do anything that he won't be happy with because that will just give him an excuse to misbehave.
Also, try not to blame him for everything, I know a lot of hyperactive kids who get blamed and shouted at all the time, they will then think 'I am going to get shouted at anyway might aswell commit the crime'

Only go to your GP/child psychologist as a last resort. I've done a lot of research on the side effects on medication prescribed by GP's and Psychiatrists and so far it's more negative then positive. However I'm not saying don't go to them, just saying there are better avenues. Asking Allah swt for help is the best route

 

[Alpha Dude]

It's too late for discipline. He is too unruly for that.

Is he spoilt in anyway? Do you give him everything he asks? I'd be extremely FIRM with him if I were you. Refuse to buy him any of the clothes he wishes, take away any gadgets, toys etc, block his access to computer unless necessary and refuse to let him out with friends.

He can cry all he wants. Don't give in until you make sure he knows who is boss.

At the same time, remind him constantly that he has no reason to have such a big ego. There is nothing special about him. Tell him he has a disgusting personality and disgusting approach to life. Remind him constantly that there are billions of people around the world who don't even get food and have to struggle for the basics whereas here he is, behaving like a brat after having been given so much.

Teach him to be thankful to Allah for what he has.

 

[GuestFellow]

@Tragic Typos - trust me the beating does him no good..he just laughs it off and starts running around the house...he knows the worse that can happen is he gets beats and dan what??...

If beatings don't work, then is no need to beat him. It does not work in all cases.

I also mentioned you need to establish a very strict routine. It is best to get him involved in some sort of sport and keep him busy.

Brother Alpha Dude has given excellent advice.

 

[Alpha Dude]

He can cry all he wants. Don't give in until you make sure he knows who is boss.

Here's the thing, people will cry when hit by a calamity initially and then for a few days, weeks after but eventually, they will become 'subdued' and accept their fate. That's the method behind the madness behind my suggestion above. Be firm, let him cry and eventually as he realises none of his protests will help, inshaAllah, he will see sense.

 

[Snowflake]

Child psychologists can analyze what is making a child behave in the way he is doing. We don't know child's background, whether he had learning difficulties, difficulties in social interaction etc etc. His behaviour isn't normal which to me suggests something deeper is going on in his head. There could be educational/social/personal aspects making him the way he is. Where is his father? I've not seen the mention of him? Are parents divorced? My point is that anything can be affecting that child. No child is just naughty to that extent for no reason.

Putting him into an Islamic school isn't a miracle cure. It might benefit him later in life, but if he acts like Abz mentioned about himself, then those years will have been wasted. If he goes to an Islamic school, he needs to benefit from it now. And he can't do that if whatever's bothering him remains unresolved. Islamic schools get to the root of the problem. Rude and disruptive children are given detention and finally expelled. He needs help, not beating, and definitely not put into an education system where students need to have the utmost respect for teachers and students alike until he is helped to control his behavior. Islamic schools are already full of children whose were put there when they became hard to control. It's a miserable scene for their teachers a bad influence on other students. I'm sorry but I think he should get professional help before being sent to an islamic school with a view that that will be enough.

 

[nutty]

Assalamun alaikum


Jazak-Allaah khair for everyone for ur concern and input..

The father approach to it is shouting and beatin and losing control of the situation....which i dont like the idea of and which hasnt helped him...When i explain to him that his approach is wrong he just doesnt to understand nd see what he is doing is wrg...

I am more of a strict person and firm but sometimes i become easy and forget that am suppose to be firm...am such a forgetful person i forget soo easily about bein firm and what they done wrg. mayb this is where am going wrong... Ive show him vids of ppl in africa and other countries who are worse of them us and der living condition are terrrible..

It's too late for discipline. He is too unruly for that.

Is he spoilt in anyway? Do you give him everything he asks? I'd be extremely FIRM with him if I were you. Refuse to buy him any of the clothes he wishes, take away any gadgets, toys etc, block his access to computer unless necessary and refuse to let him out with friends.

No he's not spoilt.. il got four children altogether nd i cant afford to give them what they want..so if they ruin sumth ive recently brought for them..they just have to wait until dey save their pocket money to replace whatever they ruined...


He can cry all he wants. Don't give in until you make sure he knows who is boss.

At the same time, remind him constantly that he has no reason to have such a big ego. There is nothing special about him. Tell him he has a disgusting personality and disgusting approach to life. Remind him constantly that there are billions of people around the world who don't even get food and have to struggle for the basics whereas here he is, behaving like a brat after having been given so much.


ive never told him about not being special and hes got a disgusting personality etc..ive always thought that was harsh and damagin but maybe i should try this approach and see what happends..ive got nothing to lose and more to gain

Please make dua for me and my kids...May Allaah swt make our families a source of blessing in this life and esp in akhirah

 

[جوري]

ive never told him about not being special and hes got a disgusting personality etc..ive always thought that was harsh and damagin but maybe i should try this approach and see what happends..ive got nothing to lose and more to gain

With respect to other opinions I think non-reinforcement is better than positive or negative reinforcement.. why don't you give an exhaustive activity a go first before other options see if that reforms him a bit... you know how a hard days work makes honest men out of sinners.. same thing with a day full of activities for kids.. boredom and perceived lack of attention on their part will make them do anything to annoy you.

I don't want to get into too much detail about my siblings kids but the middle kid of my bro. is troublesome and I think it is for a number of reasons, one being that there are lots of other boys in the family and that makes him feel not special.. try to find a Muslim coach who will mentor and teach him, it is cheaper than therapy and will at least foster his skills and physical stamina..

and Allah swt knows best

 

[nutty]

Plus whenever i am strict i feel guilty.....i get thought coming sayin we are love our children and the prophet saw approach was completely different..mayb they are thought of shaytan and should ignore them.

@ ßlµêßêll - i like the idea of non-reinforcement......and the muslim coach idea is quite good ...any idea where i can get more info

actually am willing to try anyth at this point....

 

[Alpha Dude]

ive never told him about not being special and hes got a disgusting personality etc..ive always thought that was harsh and damagin but maybe i should try this approach and see what happends..ive got nothing to lose and more to gain

Without knowing the specifics of your son's situation, i.e. how he was raised, what he has experienced etc and going on just what you say alone, my judgement is that he has an ego problem. Hence my above suggestions which are designed to break this ego.

If he didn't have an ego, yes it would be harsh and damaging.
If he does have an ego, then he needs to realise explicitly that he's not special and won't get away with his destructive behaviour. The sooner you drill this into him, the better. In an army institution, you don't have soldiers running amok but they have discipline drilled into them. It's not the perfect way but when you have a problem child, the only way is to be harsh (in a wise manner, i.e. not hitting but doing things like taking away their loved possessions, not treating them to anything until they change) so that they lose their attitude.

However...

With respect to other opinions I think non-reinforcement is better than positive or negative reinforcement.. why don't you give an exhaustive activity a go first before other options see if that reforms him a bit... you know how a hard days work makes honest men out of sinners.. same thing with a day full of activities for kids.. boredom and perceived lack of attention on their part will make them do anything to annoy you.

In light of this above suggestion by bluebell, which I agree with, I think you should try this first at least.

 

[جوري]

Plus whenever i am strict i feel guilty.....i get thought coming sayin we are love our children and the prophet saw approach was completely different..mayb they are thought of shaytan and should ignore them.

@ ßlµêßêll - i like the idea of non-reinforcement......and the muslim coach idea is quite good ...any idea where i can get more info

actually am willing to try anyth at this point....

I wrote a huge reply then the website crashed =(

I'll just say that there's a hadith that states, teach your kids swimming, horse back riding & archery.. so I think it is our duty.. my nephews Karate teacher is a convert but the swim coach isn't, however I convinced my bro to let him do it citing this hadith and I think he was already convinced but was looking for the right place..
my nephew used to be here on the weekend hogging the nintendo wii chugging all kinds of salty & sweet crap and generally being unkind to everyone, now I dare say he's even becoming my friend =) and he baked me cookies last week walhi.. so just give it a try, ask around.. if you're in England I think soccer is big there and where there's soccer there are Muslims.. not sure why :hmm:

& keep us posted insha'Allah

 

[nutty]

Jazak-Allah everyone for ur wonderful replies i taken everything on board and thought things through and am goin to try bluebell suggestion first..let how i get along with that...May Allaah bless u with the highest of eeman..

@ Alpha Dude - thanks for explaining ur 1st post.....

 

[جوري]

khyer insha'Allah.. be patient change takes a few months but you'll see it insha'Allah.. also try at home activities with him that make him feel wanted and useful. I remember once asking my nephew if he likes pancakes and he said he loved them so I asked him if he wanted to help me make them and he got excited about that.. last week he made me cookies (but I said that already) lol..

 

[ardianto]

Child psychologists can analyze what is making a child behave in the way he is doing.

I was 12 when I sat in a psychologist room. It's happened after my school and some people told my mom to bring me to psychologist because they classified me as a boy with psychological problem.

It made me feel like a criminal in interrogation. That absolutely was not a pleasant thing for 12 year old kid. It made me very angry. And instead of got better, I went worse.