need help in a Marriage situation

[alwaysmuslim]

salaamalaikom,

I need help in a situation. I have been married almost for 2 years now.
We met through a common friend. I guess the main reason that i wanted to get married was not to sin and i was really lonely. So we married just like after 3 or 4 months. The first year went well. Second year we had alot of problems . we fought like almost every weak . We had alot of problems. we live in our own house.
The first pproblem was that she wanted me not so visit my parents , not because they were my parents but she used to say that since we work everyday its only the weekends we have to spend the time with eachother. So i agreed . My family also pressured me from other side that i should visit them every week,.I felt pressure from both side . i ddint wanted to make my family or my wife upset . It was so hard .

The other problem was i wanted her to cover herself more, but she never agreed. She was religious , i mean she liked islam, also told me that she loved me when i pray, but she prayed just some time.


One day we were in a wedding and i ddint did as she said, so she snapped at me infront of my family. This was the day i changed . I begin to strict , i didnt know everything she said, i went to my family everry week . She was like dont leave me alone at night. But i used to tell her that eitheer come with me to my Familys house or go to your mom. she didnt none of those and was just alone at home , and blamed me for leaving her alone.

One day she fought with me again , i lost my mind and i "hitted" her . By hitting i mean just slapped her at her body . I was too angry so i took her from hair too, but its only because she hit me back . so she called the police at me . The police came and put handcuffs at me. It was the first time in my life that i was handcuffed , and when i look at her she look so proud . She didnt made any case against me so the police realesed me . I asked her, why didnt you called the police, she said i was scared.

so i came back home after one day i felt i guess it was not only her fault, but also mine since i hitted her.

So after some months we had a family trip, and i wanted to go just with my family and not with her , she wanted to ocme with us, not beacuse of my family just she wanted to go for the trip. i didnt took her phone, so she called my brother and said she wanted to come, so i went to pick her up and i said bad things ot her, very bad things . so we fought again and she said get out of my house and give me the keys. I did what she said. I know whatever she said was out of anger, or atleast i belaive in that . It has been one month that i havnt seen her . I tried to go home but she was not at home , i sent her sms, she never answred me back . I think the main reason of she is angry is because i hav not been with her for one month now.

She always told me that she loved me, i know, i mean i really know she ment it . but i think she want me to do as she wants me to do . I love her too , but sometimes i feel that if i back to her , she wont let my parents to be with our kid ( if we get one), or that she could throw me of the house anytime she wants . Iam afraid that one day she might just leave me when iam old, and i would have nothing.

Please help ppl, what should i do?

 

[BeTheChange]

Walakumasalaam,

Am sorry to hear you are in a troubled state of mind. May Allah swt make it easy for you to understand your wife and vice versa Ameen.

The advice that you are reading from me is from a single woman so it's up to you whether you wish to continue reading. My perspective & understanding about marriage comes from Islamic books, people's experience and my own opinion and knowledge.

I know a lot of people advise at some stage of marriage, we will all go through rough patches. Only, the lucky ones or the perceived lucky people experience no trouble.

I think t's extremely important to continue seeing your parents. We must still show adaab, respect and union when we are married. If your wife has put forward the explanation that she doesn't get the opportunity to spend quality time with you, then perhaps you could visit your parents when you finish work on a weekday and put aside the weekend for your wife? Reach a compromise? Make a timetable to visit and see your parents but at the same time allow time for your wife. I suppose you could ask your wife would you prefer if i visit my parents on weekends or evenings/mornings etc...

It's important your wife understands she has only walked in your life 2 years ago and your parents are the ones who raised you so it is selfish of any human being to demand or ask you to not visit or communicate with your parents.

Okay, so once you've had this conversation with your wife that's one problem sorted in sha Allah. Approach your wife in a gentle manner and just advise you are here to speak in a calm manner and you are not looking to argue and your not looking to point fingers and so on.


I personally believe if an individual understands the importance of doing an act and understands their purpose in this life and critically evaluates their life, only then can we improve our current situation. If you want your wife to cover herself more, just advise her of how you feel and why you feel this way. If she understands you then she is more likely to accept and agree with what you say.

Whether your married or not, it's disrespectful to address someones wrongdoing or weakness in front of a crowd. It's common sense and adaab to take the individual in a private area and then address your concerns. Am sure the individual who is in the wrong would respect you more if you did this rather than inviting everyone to comment on the 'wrongdoer'. Again, i would recommend speaking to your wife and advise you did not not like how she approached the matter and how she spoke to you. Advise her gently, you were upset by her actions and you would prefer if she spoke to you in private. In sha Allah.

Am sure you both know hitting any human being is wrong so control your anger. If you feel like your getting angry, leave the house and go for a walk and in sha Allah, bring your concerns with you when you are in a calm mind or write your wife a letter if you feel things are going to get heated.

I don't think any Muslim at any stage of their life could be left with nothing. Why? Because we hold something so precious in our hearts - our emaan. That is more superior than any dunya possessions we have and more superior than what Allah has given us i.e. union and friendship etc.

Don't worry about the future. Deal with the present and enjoy the present.

& finally, some basic guidelines - When you enter your house recite the dua for entering the house and in sha Allah, you will be protected. Keep or start praying to Allah swt to bless your marriage and provide you with peace Ameen.

Try and be nice to each other. If you change your behaviour, your good behaviour and positivity will automatically rub on your wife in sha Allah.

Play Quraan in your household to protect you from evil.