jazakallah for the replies.
Yes i have drank zam zam water for shifa. I have been for ruqya, I read surah fatihah with the intention that it is a cure daily. I have put a ayat on some paper and put in water to drink. I have read a surah and blown it on water to drink. I have been to a religious scholar who read on me and in the end said that my problem was not linked to black magic, etc and was probably pyschological. I have been listening to the recitation of the quran for a few months. All the methods i have tried are in accordance with quran and sunnah. There was a point where my father insisted on me seeing a peer. He wrote down some words and boxes with numbers in them. I did not agree to it and even though it may have made me better i thought if it goes against the quran and sunnah and even may be shirk, i rather be this way. But this is so tough.
I have also done acts that are pleasing to Allah and then made dua with his beautiful names and sending salutations to the prophet (pbuh). I have corrected my tawheed and fundamental beliefs in line with the quran and sunnah. I have tried distancing myself from innovations and things that may lead to shirk.
I have fasted even though it was very difficult compared to my normal self. I have read my salah as much as i can. I read my taraweeh salah also. All this so Allah would help me.
I know Allah is doing everything for the best but i just can't imagine how anybody could go through this much suffering. I sometimes imagine if somebody else went through what i've been through and i'm almost certain they would end their life. Alhamdulillah that is not an option for me. However i do sometimes wish Allah would take my soul.
I have been to a psychologist. He was a waist of time and made my problem worse than it actually was. The doctor just wants to give me anti depressants which i took for 3 months without single difference. So gave up on them. I mean when i feel depressed and low that is when i feel the mental symptoms go away so why would i want pills to make me feel happy when the feeling of depression is not the problem?? I have studied CBT and done it for almost 2 years actively. Yet i'm still the same.
Honestly i believe i have been as patient as one could be but it is so difficult and it's hard to explain unless you have experienced it how bad it is. I can't think my self out of this. By Allah i was blessed with a brilliant mind. Amazing photographic memory, thought, everything. I never stressed about a thing. Was always calm, smiling, laughing, now i look in the mirror and i see a ugly person. Someone i don't recognise anymore. No personality, no spark, nothing just wasting away struggling every single day, constant headache.
But all i know is that it was 100% caused by anxiety. But i don't feel anxious now however the mind is still not working.
I just wanted to let it out because i tend to keep all this in between myself and Allah. And i have ran out of ideas. I really need to see some change now otherwise i don't know what i can do anymore.
I have been very patient honestly. I just feel if i could think straight i could get myself out of this.
If you would like to ask me any questions then please go ahead as i think i need some fresh ideas now because the ones i have got are getting tired.
I know it may sound as if i have a technical problem but sometimes the simplest answers are the best.
Inshallah we can work something out here. Maybe Allah has made me come here so that some brother or sister may benefit me.
May Allah reward you.
Wa salam
Asalaamu Alaikum, jazakallahu khayran for sharing your issues with us. My dear brother what we must realise is that this life is a test and surely we will be tested rigorously. Not anyone can enter Jannah for there is a small price to pay but this small price enables one to gain ETERNITY of bliss. The road to Jannah is not easy for it is surrounded by thorns and hardships as well as adversities and trials. What will make Jannah that bit sweeter is the fact that we would have endured so many hardships and trials in our lives by the time our death arrives. Therefore we must remain steadfast and patient through tests.
My brother it is time you realise why Allah is testing you and what you can do to remain patient and steadfast through the trials and tests you are going through. The way we can get through hardships and difficult tests that we may be going through in life is to firstly internalise in our minds that this life is a test ground and we are in an examination but we do not know when this examination will end but whilst the examination is taking place we are being rigorously tested and at times we are tested until breaking piont just to see whether or not we will turn towards Allah or go away from him.
We must also internalise that Allah ONLY tests those who he wants close to him. Therefore the tests that we go through in our lives clearly show Allah is wanting us to turn towards him and be closer to him. This is in fact a great privelage. The greater the tests we go through the more Allah is wanting to raise our ranks in the hereafter.
Therefore if we really want to know the best way to approach huge trials and tests then we should simply realise that the bigger the tests we are going through then the higher Allah is wanting to raise our ranks in the hererafter. Trials are a truly blessing in disguise. All Allah wants from us is for us to turn towards him in meekness and humbleness and for us to be patient and to turn to him in prayer and dua. Picture that fact that Allah loves it when his servant is in desperate need, crying to him for help for Allah tends to those who cry and sob to him immediatley just as a mother tends to its baby promptly when it is crying.
We should also internalise the fact that tests actually differentiate us believers from one another in terms of ranking in the eyes of Allah and therefore we should know that those who are tested and are patient are forgiven of their sins as sins falls off a person who is patient through trials just. Therefore we should realise that us being tested with trials and tests will NEVER go unrewarded for Allah rewards how much he wants to those who are patient through trials and those who turn towards him in humility and meekness.
It may be that a person who has experienced great trials in the world faces Allah on the day of judgement with little or no sins. So tests are a way of Allah forgiving a person of their sins so that on the day of judgement they have a much lighter load. Rasulallah (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) has called the day of judgement a
"terrible" day and surely on this terrible day we would want as less sins as possible in our accounts if we are to be successful. Therefore these trials and tests are very important for us because they enable us to be forgiven for countless sins that would be a huge burden on us if it were in our accounts but due to the huge tests we faced with patience turning to Allah then it may be that we have very little or no sins at all on that day. The greater the trial the more sins fall off us. So know that even a prick of a thorn expiates ones sins.
We should also approach hardships and tests as in that it is the decree of Allah so we should NEVER ask Allah "Why" has he given us such trials? For questioning Allah why he has decreed something will mean that not only have we gone through so much grief and torment from these trials but that we have actually added to our sins by questioning Allah and we will be accountable for that.
Patience is one of the greatest attributes a person can acquire and Allah is with those who are patient and the reward for Patience is Paradise!
If one is patient, and is among the ones described in the following manner in the Qur’an
(Baqarah, 2: 256)
Who say, when afflicted with calamity:
“To Allah We belong, and to Him is our return”:-
Then here are the rewards Allah will give that person
(2:157):
The Rewards of Patience are the folowing:
1. Blessings from Allah: The patient person is blessed by Allah.
2. Mercy of Allah: When Allah gives someone His Mercy, He will let him enter paradise with His Mercy.
3. Guidance of Allah: A patient person will be guided by Allah in this world until he meets Him on the Day of Judgment.
Referring to those who are tested and endure with Sabr or patience all of the above three rewards are mentioned by Allah Himself in the Qur’an in
Surah Baqarah (2: 157):
“They are those on whom (Descend) blessings from Allah, and Mercy, and they are the ones that receive guidance.”
In Surah Hud (11:11), Allah (S.W.T.) again promises to reward those who are patient in adversity.
Therefore let us realise that patience is the main thing Allah is looking for in us when we are going through trials and tests.
Here are two wonderful examples of patience through trials in the life of the Prophet (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) :
‘Ata ibn Rabah related that he heard Ibn ‘Abbas say: “Shall I show you a woman of Paradise?”I said: “Yes, indeed.” He said: “A black woman came to the Prophet, peace be upon him, and said: ‘I suffer from epileptic fits, and because of these, (at times) my body becomes uncovered. Would you invoke Allah, the Exalted One, to cure me of this disease? ‘ The Prophet, peace be upon him, said: ‘If you wish, you can be patient and you will attain Paradise (for this suffering). But if you prefer, I will pray to Allah, the Exalted, to cure you of it?’ The woman said: ‘I will be patient,’ then added: ‘I become uncovered (when I have fits), so invoke Allah for me that I do not become uncovered. ‘ So the Prophet, peace be upon him, prayed for her.” [Source: Fiqh-us-Sunnah, volume 4, #1a]
Story of ‘Urwah Ibn Al Zubair
‘Urwah Ibn Al Zubair had an operation, and the doctor amputated his leg. One friend came to visit him. ‘Urwah thought that the fried came to pacify him for the loss of his leg. So ‘Urwah told the visitor: If you came to give me condolence for the loss of my leg, I already submitted to Allah with patience to reward me for its loss. The guest told him, I came to inform you that your son fell down in a stable, and the animals stepped over him, and he died one hour ago. ‘Urwah said: O Allah! You took one child, and left me many…You took one organ from my body, and left me many organs…O Allah! You tested me with my body, and you were kind to leave me with good health. You tested me with the loss of my son, but you were kind in leaving me the rest of my children.
We should also approach tests as in we should look at those who have less than us. We have clean tap water and food on our plates everyday. We have clean clothes washed regularly and shelter from the harsh weather. Whereas there are those who walk miles just for a sip of water and even then it is dirty. There are those who have the same clothes for years and cannot even wash them. There are those who go days without proper food and even then they have scraps and end up being malnourished. There are those like in the flood disaster recently who have no shelter and are exposed to terrible diseases. Those who have little or no money to buy even basic things aswell as medication for their sick family members. Rasulallah (Sallallahu Alaihi wasallam) always told us to look at those who have less than us.
My brother whenever any of us is tested with hardship or trial then we think to ourselves
"Surely no one is going through as much hardship as me". But this is a pure deception. You may see a person who looks happy but you know not what they are going through in life.
Sometimes when we go through great trials we get decieved into thinking that other people that we see around us must be living a life happy and content. We are wrong to think in this way for we do not know what goes on in peoples lives. There are many examples of those who seemed as though they have SO much and seemed so happy but when certain things were revealed then it was clear that those people were living miserable lives full of torment! We may look at a person with a smile on his face but he may be going through trials we can never imagine.
One of my friends has just last week had his intestines taken out because they do not function anymore and now he has a bag attached to his stomach and everytime it fills up he has to clean it out. This is the way he has to live for the rest of his life. There are people without water, a morsel of food shelter, basic right. I can name you thousands of trials greater than yours. So my brother let us not think we are going through the worst trials for there are people going through far worse.
Therefore when we are going through difficult times and trials then we should not look at others and think they are happy and living fulfilled lives for we do not know what any person on the street is going through on a day to day basis.
Therefore whenever we are going through difficult times and trials then we should put our full trust, hopes, faith and reliance in Allah for he will NEVER let us down but is only testing us because he wants us to turn towards him in humility, humbleness and meekness and he wants us to get much closer to him. He tests a person because he wants good for them and wants to forgive them and raise their ranks in the hereafter.
The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Trials will continue to befall the believing man and woman, with regard to themselves, their children and their wealth, until they meet Allaah with no sin on them.”And what is more beautiful than coming before Allaah with all our sins extinguished? Is this life not but a taste and a short term home? Or would we rather live in short luxury for an eternal suffering? If cleansing of all of our sins is not enough then what is?
The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Worshipping at times of tribulation and confusion is like migrating to join me.” And concerning this hadeeth, Imaam Nawawi (rahimahullaah) said: “The reason why worship at such times is of such great virtue is that people become negligent about worship and are distracted from it, and no one focuses on worship except a few.”
In reality how lucky is a person who is being tested greatly and is still patient and turning towards Allah night and day. How hig must Allah be raising his ranks and forgiving his sins on a daily basis until he is like a new born baby who has little or no sins on him at all. So the way to approach this is to realise that a person who is being tested greatly is in fact lucky but shaythan is wanting one to think opposite.
Shaythan is our eternal sworn enemy and ONLY wants us to lose hope and faith and to go away from Allah. He wants us tobecome disillusioned and lose all hope so that we go away from Alah and our deen. But we should reject our enemy who only wants our destruction. We should disregard his evil whispers and know that they are only lies and deciet.
Shaythan will try to make us think that there is no way out of this and this is because he wants us to give in and lose hope. But we must realise that if we continuously strive and keep turning towards Allah and be patient then the final victory WILL be ours! We will taste the sweetness of victory but in order to taste this victory we need to fight and strive through the tests and trials that life throws at us!
Imam Ibn'l Qayyim (Rahimahullah) said:
The divine decree related to the believer is always a bounty, even if it is in the form of withholding (something that is desired), and it is a blessing, even if it appears to be a trial, and an affliction that has befallen him is in reality a cure, even though it appears to be a disease!
Unfortunately, due to the ignorance of the worshipper, and his transgressions, he does not consider anything to be a gift or a blessing or a cure unless he can enjoy it immediately, and it is in accordance with his nature. If he were only given a little bit of understanding, then he would have counted being withheld from as a blessing, and the sickness as a mercy, and he would relish the trouble that befalls him more than he relishes his ease, and he would enjoy poverty more than he enjoys richness, and he would be more thankful when he is blessed with little than when he is blessed with a lot.
If one who is going through great trials continues to turn towards Allah in humility, meekness and in humblenes then know that the reward one will gain will be unimaginable. On the day of judgement once we see the reward of being patient through great trials turning towards Allah in humility then we would want Allah to have tested us even more so that we could have wreaped the rewards of being patient and turning towards Allah through trials and hardships. It is only on the day of judgement will we truly realise how much we have missed out on and how much more we wished we were tested by Allah so that our ranks were even higher.
No amount of guilt can change the past and no amount of worrying can change the future. Go easy on yourself, for the outcome of all affairs is determined by Allah's decree. If something is meant to go elsewhere it will never come your way but if it is yours by destiny from you it cannot flee. (Umar Ibn al-Khattab Radiyallahu Anhu)
So the Reward of going through terrible trials and hardships immense!
Narrated Jabir ibn Abdullah Allah's Messenger (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) said, "On the Day of Resurrection, when people who have suffered affliction are given their reward, those who are healthy will wish their skins had been cut to pieces with scissors when they were in the world." (Al-Tirmidhi #1570)
So remember: Victory, relief and ease comes with patience through distress and hardship
Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said, "Know that victory comes with patience, relief with distress and ease with hardship.” (Reported by Ahmad)
Therefore let us realise that the bigger trials and hardships we go through in this life then the more rewards we will gain in the hereafter as long as we are patient and are constantly turning towards Allah.
In the hereafter when we see the rewards of going through trials and hardships then we will all wish that we wen through the WORST trials possible for the longest amount of time.
So my brother know that as long as you remain patient and steadfast even though it may be hard then know that your sins will fall off like the autumn leaves and you may face Allah with little or no sins when there will be people facing Allah with mountains of sins!
Allah is with you as long as you are patient and for your life time of patience which is such a little cost then you will gain ETERNITY OF BLISS! Subhaanallah
So my brother repent to Allah for any sins minor or major that you have committed and for ever questioning Allah. Strive as much as you can evertyday to get closer to him. Worship him as much as you can and make the Hereafter your focus! Our death can come upon us at any second so we have no time to waste. Every second wasted now will NEVER return to us. Your so lucky Allah is favouring you by giving you such trials so that you can gain such high positions in the Hereafter and recieve so much forgiveness and mercy! What you have is a blessing in disguise so NEVER think otherwise!
May Allah make us patient through adversity, trials and hardships. Ameen
Finally: " Do not detest the misfortunes that befall you, for what you detest may be the cause of your salvation and what you like may be the cause of your ruin." Al-Hasan Al-Basree 
