need help with my mom..

[o2a1]

This is going to be very long but here goes...

I dont know what to do, I have limited resources as to how to deal with my mom, I dont know where to seek help and I am getting sick of dealing with her and i should have talked to people about this years ago but I was scared and felt a huge disgrace and shame in my heart and i wanted to conceal this problem as much as possible so that people dont think she is insane but I cant handle this anymore because i am going insane and we tried talking to psychologists but they said they cant do anything unless she starts harming herself or other people(but she is killing us mentally and that wont do, apparently).

My mom believes that her sister is a theif and she is stealing things from our house daily, and whenever something goes wrong (for example if she cant find something or if the carpet gets dirty or my brother doesnt wake up to go to school) she blames it on her sister(she says my sister stole it or she put dust on the carpet or my sister probably put something in ur brothers drink so that he becomes sick so that he cant go to school) we tried explaining to her many times that it is impossible because my moms sister is old and she doesnt have acess to a car and she lives far away, she has to use public transport in order to reach our place which would take 2 and a half hours and we tried explaining to her logically that dust accumulates from dead skin and when we leave our window open dust flows through and if she was in our house we would notice right away(we live in a condo apartment) and if my mom finds the lost items, she doesnt say anything at all.. she knew she was wrong but she still believes that her sister is after us or something.... I dont remember how this all started but i know this started was when i was very young.. possibly around grade 4-5. My dad doesnt live with us at the moment, he is in another country and he knows she has this problem.. but he never does anything.. i tried talking to him many times... he goes like " ok what do i do?" i tell him to take her to a psychologist or something.. he says dont worry ill handle it so manage for now.. but in the end he never does anything.. and its like loop all over again whenever i talk to him again..

neways once I corner my mom logically(trust me this is the hardest thing to do bcus she doesnt listen and starts making up her own theories in the middle and u have to talk over her in order to get it thru her head), she starts behaving so rudely she starts swearing at us, starts blaming us for making her life so miserable, and if it goes to a extreme measure she goes like "i think the only way you are going to listen to me is if i take away your food" or take away or destroy something that we like.... she wont take any logical answer and watever she believes in, she forces us to believe in it and whatever she says goes... she wont c any other way except her own. she is extremely rude, she swears 24/7, she dislikes everything(including me, my sister, my brother and no im not joking) she actually takes revenge on things she swears to take revenge on.

how do i fix her? she is so impatient for everything and I feel like i cannot do anything in this world if she is in my life ..she tries and dictate what to do with my life.. she wants me to be a puppet on a string.. and once i try showing her another way whichever it maybe that i prefer.. she starts hating and swearing and will demotivate me no matter what(trust me.. if u had a mother like mine.. u will understand the true meaning of demotivation)..

i dont feel a single bit of satisfaction in anything i do.. bcus i feel as if everything has been ruined by my mother.. i feel like whatever i may do in this life.. she will never be satisfied(she has no satisfaction limit.. i dont know what she wants.. i dont think she even knows what she wants..) this had a tremendous effect on me psychologically.. i went insane for a few months.. but after i started reading the english translated quran and reading islamic lectures.. i came back to logic.. alhamdullilah.. my mom does pray 5 times a day.. she reads the arabic quran sometimes..but apparently she cant let go of the belief that her sister is a theif and that she is haunting us everyday(my mom bought a torchlight to check the corners and behind our couches to c if anyone is there) how do i deal with her? how do i get her to see things logically? and how do i make her just simply be satisfied with everything and lead a normal happy life?...

sometimes it is extremely hard to listen to her because everything she does is according to her messed up belief.. for example she gives me a lecture(yes a lecture) of why i shuld lock the door and i know the main reason she does this is because she believes her sister might come in if it is unlocked... isnt it just common sense to lock the door as you are leaving outside?... is a lecture necessary? she gives me the lecture everytime i go outside.. and a few times i, on purpose dont lock the door and i explain to her each time that i wont lock the door... then she goes like "listen to me and lock the door" then i say "since ur so worried about the lock why dont u lock the door?" she goes like "no i want to c if u lock the door" i say "u know i lock the door everytime bcus ur always there whenever i am leaving the house, so u lock it this time since u care about the lock so much" and it continues until i just leave then she starts hating on me and starts acting rude when i start leaving then i get all confused and feel messed up... this happened so many times i thought she would understand why i dont lock the door by now.. but she still does not understand it... and when i do lock the door she goes like oh your learning to lock the door.... which does not make any sense to me... this is like the most illogical mindset i have ever seen. and it is like this not only with the stupid door lock.. its like this with everything..

everytime she talks to her friends she always mentions how we dont listen to anything she says.. i try my best to listen to her, and if she has a messed up logic behind everything i try not to listen bcus this is absolute shirk and i dont want to contribute to it but i feel like i have to in order to just make peace in the house.... am i doing the right thing by hiding everything and make peace in the house? or shuld i rebel and not listen to my mother anymore?.. either way i lose since i am not listening to my mother which is wrong or i am contributing to shirk... this is where my insanity starts....

my mom has endless space of unsatisfaction and no space for satisfaction.. so if i dont listen to say 1 small thing that i didnt do for her.. she will use this against me and possibly spread it around to her friends that i dont listen to her at all(yea when she talks to her friends she will bring up every single thing that i did not listen to from the past from when i was a child) and she also talks about this stuff to my dad on the phone where she makes me look like the bad guy and i try explaining to him that she makes a small problem huge.. but he doesnt listen cus my mom uses everything and any mean necessary to make me look like the bad guy... the same thing happens with my bro and sis 2.... she puts so much amount of hate inside of myself that i dont even feel like helping or doing anything that will satisfy her 1 bit.. she has messed up needs and beliefs which ends up affecting my beliefs(for example i dont want to lock the door anymore to satisfy her messed up belief.. but i need to lock it in order to keep us away from actual theives)... and like i said the door lock isnt the only problem.. its like this with every little thing.

my mom has no dreams or anything i dont know what her purpose in life is. i dont understand her anymore.. she has no output... and she makes us move frequently from 1 place to another bcus she believes that her sister somehow finds our place so we have to move somewhere farther away... she does cook for everyone alhamdullilah.. and i do give her compliments whenever she makes really good meals..

lol i know this is really long... but i seriously need help..what do i do with my mother? i feel like i cant move a single centimeter unless i have some sort of outside guidance... i dont have much friends since they all live so far away.. and i have very little communication with others outside.. i am either watching tv, on the computer, playing video games, praying, jogging, reading the quran and looking for work and just trying to make myself happy daily.. iam trying to lead my life ignoring everything that goes on in my house.. sometimes i feel like thats impossible.. i am 19 years old and want to look forward to a good future but i feel like i dont know where to begin.. i applied to a university and i am looking forward to computer science just waiting for a reply.. and in the meanwhile i am looking for work for the summer.. but the demotivation from everything seriously gets to me sometimes and just feel like quitting.. but i know that will just lead me more into insanity... please help me.. what do i do with my mother?

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

make dua. be patient. seek advise from those who are similar to your situation as they may give you more accurate advise, not to mention you will better knowing that someone is relating to you.

i cant advise other then this. inshallah someone will come along with more helpful advise.

 

[Alpha Dude]

Asalamu alaykum,

Brother, may Allah make things easy for you. Ameen.

Keep in mind, above all else, that this world is a test. It is temporary and is like a drop of water compared to the vastness of the ocean of the hearafter. We are slaves of Allah. He will try us in ways with his wisdom that is best for us.

As for you mother, she is behaving strangely as though she is ill in some way. The behaviour is out of her control, from what you suggest. If she truly suffering from a psychological condition, then you should strive to have mercy toward her. Be patient with her. Treat her like you would treat any other 'ill' person. They are in need of attention and love.

For example, imagine if there was somebody in your neighbourhood that was famous for being 'insane'. Imagine that he become that way after having lost his son and couldn't handle it. Imagine that whenever he saw a particular guy, he would momentarily assume that he was his son and give him hugs and shower him with his love and be happy that his son is with him again.

Given that scenario, do you think it would be a good move on the part of the guy that is mistaken to be the insane guy's son to harbour ill feelings toward the insane guy? Or would it be better and more praiseworthy for him to show patience and play along during the random times that the insane person behaves the way he does? It's clear that the latter is indeed more beneficial behaviour, for both the insane person and the youth. Good for the insane cos his heart is made to feel good and good for the youth that he is able to learn patience, help a fellow human being out and gain reward in the process.

From what you describe of your mother, her situation is like that of the insane man. She is not able to control herself. The best course of action for you would be to show patience and do as she asks, just to placate her. It is counterproductive and raises chance of conflict if you argue, talk back etc. There is no point in that. Sometimes people do inexplicable and strange things and the only option left is to ignore and be patient with it.

and a few times i, on purpose dont lock the door and i explain to her each time that i wont lock the door... then she goes like "listen to me and lock the door" then i say "since ur so worried about the lock why dont u lock the door?" she goes like "no i want to c if u lock the door" i say "u know i lock the door everytime bcus ur always there whenever i am leaving the house, so u lock it this time since u care about the lock so much" and it continues until i just leave then she starts hating on me and starts acting rude when i start leaving then i get all confused and feel messed up...

Bro, I say this with respect, what you described here is rude behaviour on your part. If your mother asks you to do something, Islamically, you're meant do it no questions asked. It's also very rude to talk back to them.

Granted, she is behaving strangely. However, you are her son and she is still older than you. You owe her respect. Like I said, treat her like a person who is 'ill' in some way and bear it with patience. Just do as she says with no questions asked (of course, as long what she asks doesn't go against Islam) and there would be no chance of conflict arising. Hold your tongue. Don't talk back to her, even if you are in the right. The resulting disharmony is not worth it. Don't give in to your ego, in a bid to prove that she is wrong. Just let it go and be patient.

Our parents are older than us and they will have a bit of an ego too. They won't tolerate being told off by their children and if you do such a thing, it will just create more of a divide. Be patient InshaAllah.

As for the assumed psychological damage that you feel is being done to you - I disagree. There is no real damage bro. Everything happens by the will of Allah and there is a divine wisdom behind things to happen the way that they do. You are being taught patience. Allah is building your character by testing you and verily we will all be tested.

Compare yourself to somebody else your age that's grown up without a care in the world, everything being given to him etc. He wouldn't be half as good/patient as you. Not since he's used to the easy life so much.

Saying that, don't be prideful of your state. Strive for humility InshaAllah and thank Allah for everything. Good or bad.

Make plenty of dua. It is the weapon of a believer. It is powerful. Just have certainty when you ask of Allah and think of Allah in a good light always. Do it every day.

A tip in being patient with your mother - imagine the nightmare that would arise if something really bad were to happen to her, like she was to get into an accident or be murdered etc. The mere thought of such ill-fortune should soften your heart and want you to make dua for her protection and thank Allah that she is still in your life. Despite her bad qualities, you still love her. Remember that paradise is at the feet of your mother. So strive to be dutiful to her.

Be persistent in striving toward patientce. You will have bad days where you end up losing it and better days where you are able to stay calm in the light of her behaviour. Don't lose hope in the bad times, InshaAllah.

 

[Dagless]

This is definitely some kind of illness so you should take her to see a doctor. If its not physical it will be up to him to refer her to a psych. Try and be good with her because if her mood is happy she should have less reason to get angry or act paranoid.

 

[cat eyes]

brother

my dad has the same symptoms that you are describing about your mum. if some thing went missing on my dad like his glasses so he will blame any random person or even create this story up in his head that some one came in to the house and took it on him on purpose to annoy him. heres the funny part we try to explain to him why anybody would do that like steal his glasses lol like i know its not funny thing and it really drove me mad brother thats y i moved out. i couldnt stand living there anymore because his anger was really bad and he would swear alot too. i think it might have been over the death of my mum but who knows only Allah. it really was not easy living there. i remember once he thought his girl friend was trying to poison him but his girl friend was on holidays at the time i mean it was just crazy stuff he would come out with

 

[distressed]

Salaam

How old is your mum ?? I aint a doctor but my granma used to have similar symptoms...hers turned out to be due to dementia. ?? dont get annoyed/angry with her its not her fault cos its in her head..just try and be patient...hard i know.! Isnt there any1 in the medical field that can help you ??

D

 

[o2a1]

Thank you for all your replies.. and thank you Alpha Dude you are right.. i shuld be more patient.. it is the hardest thing i am going through.. inshallah we will be sucessful.. u r right my mother is ill.. and for the past few days... i have been sacrificing a lot to Allah(subhana wata ala).. i realised i was throwing away my life and just concentrating on the bad things all around me.. inshallah with allah(subhana wa ta ala)'s help all will be good.. my mother is of old age and i shuld be kind to her.. it is very hard because she can be really rude at times so i become rude myself she really knows how to break my patience... but now that i have been really kind to her.. she has been very kind to me even though she does still believe in odd things... and cat eyes u shuld help him... i know what it is like to be in your fathers position.. it has even happened to me.. it is like you are being trapped inside your own mind and cannot escape from you rown beliefs that you are making up... but inshallah after i started sacrificng my life for Alllah(subhana wa ta ala) and started practicing patience.. my mind has reduced these kinds of weird beliefs that comes out of nowhere.. it is like shaitan gets a hold of you.. i do not know what it is.. it is like living in your own self delusion and there is no way out except by Allahs help.. so help him.. and again thank you all for your comments.... inshallah Allah(subhana wa ta ala) will guide us all to the right path..

 

[aliya16]

Assalamualaikum brothers and sisters,

i m very sad today thought of sharing with u all
i m having family with 3 siblings one elder brother ,myself and younger brother
i was the only daughter to my parents. i m the unlucky girl who did not experience love of mother
i used to cry before her like anything when i was kid why dont u care me why dont u understand me
she never used to cook food properly my father was not happy with her
she never asked me how r u studying,what do u want ,nothing she never used to speak with me
i used to have lot of pain inside me
i dont know how i grew from child to adult,my mother never supported me
i used to psychiatrist many times when i was kid problem is with my mom used to take her to doctor
doctor used to ask me wht happened to me i used to say my mom never talks with me ,doesnt care me
nothing. when i got fever also she never used to care me
at the time of my marriage my mother wants me to get married to a family which is not good
my elder brother who is idiot wants me to get married with the family which is not good at all
he used to beat me kick on my stomach drag my hair used to scold me with very great difficulty i went to pharmacy store and bought medicines i was on bed for 3 days with pain
my father decided to throw me outside of house
i used to pray allah to give good family good husband
i used to cry a lot sitting alone asking god why is he doing to me
alhamdulillah i m blessed with good family good husband and baby

after marriage i left and living with my husband alone since 5 yrs
my mother never asked me how r u living?
when r u coming home?
when i was pregnant my mother never asked me how r u and health?
i called her for delivary she did not came me and my husband managed alone
she is not inviting us to come and stay with baby for few days with them
i realized now I DONT HAVE ANYONE I HAVE TO LIVE ALONE WITH MY HUSBAND
WITH NO FAMILY FOR LIFETIME