Need some advise =S

[Umm Safiya]

Assalâmu 'alaykum wa Rahmatullâhi wa Barakâthu..

A sister needs help.. I thought about posting it in the sister's section, but I wanted a brother's pov too..

The sisters problem is, that she is confused about what she should do regarding marriage..
He best friend, from before she became muslim wants to marry her.. He is really sweet and understanding, but she knows more about Islâm than he does, and she wants a husband who can teach her more about Islâm.. So he is not a choice..
She had contact to another guy, same age as her (18) and he is very religious and clever, and he really wanted to marry her.. The problem is.. She "dumbed" him 2 times.. First, it was because he wanted to go to Kenya for a year to study Islâm, and she said she didn't want to wait.. So they stopped the contact.. Then she found out that he didn't wanna go to Kenya anymore, so she wrote an email, that if he still wanted to talk about marriage, he should contact her again.. So they stayed in contact for a year or a half year, and they really really really wanted to get married.. The sister is a revert, so she couldn't really seek advise from her parents, 'cause they don't see islâm as the most important thing.. So she talked to some of her close sisters from the masjid, and they advised her to "dumb" him again, because he wasn't able to pay for everything.. But she was willing to work for a couple of years untill he got finacial stable.. So the sisters found this dude, and told her that he was so and so religious etc.. they was saying sooo many good things about him, so after the sisters told her again to dumb the other guy, she did.. then she got married to the guy that the sisters found, and oh my god, that turned out really really bad.. she found out, AFTER the marriage, that everything was just a lie.. he wasn't religious at all.. not even close.. so she got a divorce..
Now, she is really sad, and she really want to get married to the first guy, because he has everything that she want in a husband..
the problem is, he changed his number, his sister moved, he prolly changed email too.. It isn't impossible to get contact to him, but she is not sure if she should do it..
neither him or her want to have contact without a mahram (and wali in her case), cause they are both really religious.. but what would he think if they got contact again? will he think that she is sooo weird, cause she keeps stopping the contact, then starting it again..
its not like she would feel that it is the end of the world if he doesn't wanna get married, cause there is alot of other brothers out there.. but she really wants him, and just him.. but she is also scared and nervous.. what if, what if, what if..

i really hope you can come with some good advises.. and brothers, what do you think the brother would think if she tried to contact him again?

ma'salâma..

 

[j50yab]

Dear Sister

First and foremost you friend needs a Wali. Some she knows or someone who knows exactly what your friend is after in a partner. I have seen a few marriages whereby people have said so many good things about a brother and unfortunately he does not turn out to be right. Her wali should know what your friend wants e.g pious, age, character etc. then he (the wali) can check out the intended brother beforehand and ask him all the relevant questions.

Secondly before any nikaah, please perform the istakarrah prayer. Or get someone pious to read it for you. This way you will be guided spiritually.

Finally if the first brother wants to get married to your friend then I personally see no reason why this should not happen. Your friend obviously knows him well and knows his character. His thirst for knowledge should be the same as your friends. Both can get to learn Islam from various sources and what better way to do it than as a couple. Surely this would only strengthen their relationship.

My humble opionion would be to try and contact the first brother via a wali and see if he is still available (he may be married by now).

Ultimately pray to Allah SWT for he is The Proovider.

Allah SWT knows best. Also may He make it easy for your friend in her quest to find her husband. Ameen.

 

[Lonely_Boy]

well what i think that the sister should wait or find someone else through her wali .......because ALLAH knows best that she didn't alright with the first guy at that time may be there wasn't something good in that also .....so wait for the right religious guy INSHALLAH for wedd.......and pls do istakarrah prayer as brother j50yab suggested......and our prayers with ur sister

Remember in prayers

JAZAKALLAH

 

[Umm Safiya]

Assalâmu 'alaykum..

Jazak Allâh for your replies.. She does have a wali, her best friend's husband, but she is 2 shy to talk to him and his wife about it, 'cause they've been going down hill islamicly..

because ALLAH knows best that she didn't alright with the first guy at that time

But see, there was no problems at all.. She told him twice that she didn't want to talk to him, for no reason at all.. So he was a little hurt by it.. And now she is afraid that he is mad or something.. She's afraid of being rejected.. She really likes him..

And he is just everything she wants.. His older sister is married to a revert also, and his family is very religious.. But she is so shy, and nervous and really afraid of rejection..

Do you think the brother would think bad about her, or reject her? Would you do it, if you was in that situation?

Fi aman Allâh..

Ma'salâma..

 

[- Qatada -]

warahmatulahi wabarakatuh.

sis, this is a really complicated matter because its got loadzz of different aspects to it.

the first point that i'd like to point out is that this is one of the things that hurts man alot.. its when someone you care about alot puts you down. it might include the situation of the sister 'dumbing' him down a few times which would make him lose his patience.. this would naturally make a person back off abit because it would make the person think that the other person only thinks about their own selves. this would be a negative thing to find in a partner for marriage because being married is being part of a team - the team involves working together, equal responsibility and putting others before you in different circumstances.


due to the sister 'dumbing' him more than just once would make the brother seem uneasy and he would look into the future and think to himself, 'would this really be worth it?' but still, this never had reached to its highest peak, because he probably still believed he had a chance to get married to her..


but by then it was too late.. the highest peak had reached,after all this 'dumbing down' business.. she married another guy.
now if you were the person in that position, would you think to yourself that this person got married to another guy because he was 'more islamic' or would you feel angry, sad, feel used that the person you loved - someone you had high hopes for, of a really good future all broke down... once he heard/realised that the sister he was supposed to get married to had already been married with another guy, it made him angry, annoyed - 'what did this guy have that i never had?' he would say to himself. he wouldn't know what was in her mind when she did get married to the other guy. this would link
upto him changing his number, his email ad, all the forms of contact he had with her, he changed them all completely because he was so hurt. he couldn't stand this no more so he had to escape, he had to let go of how he felt and start a new beginning.. obviously he would have to if this sister was married to someone else now.


but deep down inside, he still felt hurt - its too hard to get over it all in one sudden. he may have even found out that the sister got divorced, but he had that anger and sadness inside of him.. he would still think to himself, 'why did she marry him?' 'what was so special about him, and if he was so special - why did she divorce him so soon?' 'would she do the same to me?' he may not know the innocence inside of her..


he can only judge through his own emotions, and it would be so hard for the brother to get back with her again.. even if he did - the future may be too difficult than how everyone felt at the beginning. all the innocence is lost, all the suspicion is there and no-one may show their 100% affection because they may feel that if they do that, they may get hurt again because of the past.


i know the sister believes that the brother is everything she wants.. she feels that he was all she wanted from the beginning and she feels so confused of why she got married to the other guy.. but the brother has probably thought to himself that it can never happen, even if he is hurting inside.. even if he feels the same way she feels about him.

i really dont want to back the sister off.. but i just want to point out that sometimes, the past is better to be forgotten and even though it hurts, only Allaah subhanahu wa ta'ala has the knowledge of what is in your destiny in the future.. so like everyone has said above, tell the sister or some pious person to do istikarah on her behalf before she takes any action... only Allaah subhanahu wa ta'ala can tell you to go forward or to wait..


Allaah u a'lam.


wasalam o 'alykum warahmatulahi wabarakatuh.

 

[Umm Safiya]

Assalâmu 'alaykum..

Barak Allâhu fiiki for your post..

So.. If she does get in contact with him in some way, and if he still wants to marry her, it wouldn't be stupid to continue right?
'Cause if he wanna get married to her eventhough she dumped him twice and got married and divorced, she sure as h*** shouldn't dumb him again right?

Would it be smartest just to forget him, and move on? 'Cause it's not like she can't live without him.. (She's kinda in love with him, does that change anything)

Sorry I keep asking so many questions.. But I have to be sure what I gotta say.. To her..

 

[modez]

Its like she's made marriage a joke. Its just like an auction....
I know im no help, but i think she's a little foolish.

 

[Umm Safiya]

Its like she's made marriage a joke. Its just like an auction....
I know im no help, but i think she's a little foolish.

Because she dumbed him and got married then divorced?

 

[- Qatada -]

wa alykum asalam warahmatulahi wabarakatuh.

no dont worry - its better to ask more questions than to get really confused later on.

the first thing that i'd want to point out is that the sister should perform istikarah before doing anything, (if you dont know how to do it just ask and we'll find some information insha Allaah.) this is important because if it is a positive result - then she should insha Allaah go forward with the idea. whereas if the results are in the negative - then she shouldn't do anything because Allaah subhanahu wa ta'aala has decreed something better for her future insha Allaah even though she may not think that (because of her emotions.) she just has to remember to be patient..

if the istikarah has positive results - and she is able to contact him and put her point across, the sister has to be prepared for him to reply in a negative way which could hurt her feelings alot but that is the risk she has to take... you have to also remember that some time has passed by and he may have changed his lifestyle and tried to move on from the past, and she may not get the reply that she wants. i think its better if another person asks on her behalf though because his answer will be more reliable that way insha Allaah, because if the sister asks directly - his mind will be really confused and remind him of the past which could make his answer confusing.

however, if the brother does accept - the sister has to be prepared for the future and everything that has happened in the past will affect how their future will be like. this could be a lack of trust and wouldn't be exactly like they had imagined their future to be like before she had got married (in her first marriage.)

another thing to remember is that the sister or someone on the sisters side has to tell the situation of what had happened before to make the brother realise the truth and to sort out all the questions that had been going on his head earlier.

i just want to emphasise on the fact that the sister may get hurt but she really has to be prepared for that. if the istikarah is positive, its good to go ahead in the decision because first of all - it was Allaah subhanahu wa ta'aala's decision, second - if she doesn't do it, she may feel confused and keep thinking about it all her life, so its important that she goes ahead and ask - and if the answers no, its alot better for her to know the answer instead of asking herself all her life 'would he have said yes?' because if she learns the truth.. she can move on from it insha Allaah, but if shes never known the answer, then how can she move on?

i'd also like to say that marriage is a really big responsibility for both partners and if the brother says yes, she has to work hard to gain his trust again and make him realise that she wont 'dumb' him again. she has to put others before herself, and if the brother wants to study, let him. if both partners dont care about how the other one feels, it could lead to an early divorce. if them two get married, he is her garment (clothing) and she is his garment.

in the qur'an it says

(2:187) Permitted to you, on the night of the fasts, is the approach to your wives. They are your garments and ye are their garments. Allah knoweth what ye used to do secretly among yourselves; but He turned to you and forgave you; so now associate with them, and seek what Allah Hath ordained for you, and eat and drink, until the white thread of dawn appear to you distinct from its black thread; then complete your fast Till the night appears; but do not associate with your wives while ye are in retreat in the mosques. Those are Limits (set by) Allah: Approach not nigh thereto. Thus doth Allah make clear His Signs to men: that they may learn self-restraint.

so they both should cover each other up.. take care of each other.


(30.021) And one of His signs is that He created mates for you from yourselves that you may find rest in them, and He put between you love and compassion; most surely there are signs in this for a people who reflect.


however if the sister isn't prepared to go through it and really believes that she can move on, and leaves her trust upto Allaah subhanahu wa ta'ala. then she should wait and try to build up on her faith even more, she should keep lowering her gaze and remain modest, keep asking for forgiveness, guidance, and keep praying to become a even better muslimah insha Allaah. when the right time comes - Allaah subhanahu wa ta'ala will bless her with a righteous husband insha Allaah.

if you need to ask anything else or if your unsure of anything, please do. jazak Allaah khayr, may Allaah subhanahu wa ta'ala make it easier for the sister, the brother, for you and for all the muslim ummah. ameen. may Allaah subhanahu wa ta'ala send peace and blessings upon his beloved Prophet Muhammad sal Allahu alayhi wasalam, his beloved family and his ummah. ameen.


wasalam o 'alykum warahamatulahi wabarakatuh.

 

[j50yab]

Dear Sister

What Br Akhee has said is totally correct - You do not know how the man is feeling. Your friend needs to make a decision; does she want to ask him or let the past be forgotten. It is up to her no one can tell her what to do. My humble opinion is to first of all find out if the man has married. He may be already married as I said in an earlier post.

Then get a decent wali who she can talk to. Someone with abit of knowledge and pious background.

Insha Allah she will find the right husband, patience was also one of the good characteristics of our beloved Prophet PBUH.

 

[Umm Safiya]

JazakAllâh 2 all of you.. It's appriciated(?)..
Actually, the sister made Istikhâra last night, and already today she got an answer..
Seems like, another sister just happen to get his email from the sister's old email, so she wrote to him a reaaaaaally long email.. Telling all kind of stuff like the sis misses him, etc.. But he answered the email today.. So alhamdulillâh..
Turns out, he got a headache from all that marriage thing.. So he politely turned down.. Lol.. Not the answer she wanted.. But alhamdulillâh.. Now she doesn't have to think about that anymore.. And as you say, Allâh ta'âla have something better instore for her, inshâ'Allâh..

Again, jazakAllâhu khayr for your replies..

 

[- Qatada -]

masha Allaah.. sister - to be honest, for you as a mate - i think you should be really happy for her, this is because she did istikarah and through that insha Allaah she got the permission she needed to ask the question to the brother. this lead to her asking and she got a response in a kind manner and even though it wasn't the response she wanted, it will help her learn from her mistakes insha Allaah. another thing that i'd like to say is that if they did get married, their future may have been affected really badly by what had happened earlier.

Allaah subhanahu wa ta'aala does everything for the best..


wasalam o 'alykum warahmatulahi wabarakatuh.

 

[Umm Safiya]

I am happy for her bruh.. Really! I've been the one "pushing" her.. Telling her, to do something about it, so he wouldn't be stuck on her mind for the rest of her life.. That's why I asked in here what to do/say.. So I'm extremly happy that she finally got an answer!

Allaah subhanahu wa ta'aala does everything for the best..

Indeed He does!

 

[Sahabiyaat]

Turns out, he got a headache from all that marriage thing.. So he politely turned down.. Lol.. Not the answer she wanted.. But alhamdulillâh.. Now she doesn't have to think about that anymore.. And as you say, Allâh ta'âla have something better instore for her, inshâ'Allâh..

Again, jazakAllâhu khayr for your replies..

oh no......i guess she got a taste of her own medicine ....but an anwser thru istikharah is the best anwser because u know its right
and yes InshaAllah Allâh will have something better instore for her.

 

[Lonely_Boy]

Hmm ALHUMDULILLAH that she got it whatever.........Well
What is done has been for the best .......ALHUMDULILLAH

Remember in prayers
JAZAKALLAH