Need some major advice

[anonymous]

Assalamu'alaikum,

I have this problem that has been growing in my mind the past three years and this problem is about homosexuality. I've read the Qur'an and Hadiths and I know of the positions that Islam takes on the matter which have never been in question with me. My problem is that my family is now talking to me about marriage and one day finding a good wife insha'allah. My problem with this is that I am fearful if my child might have homosexual feelings. I play out this scenario in my head of me doing all the right things I need to do to surround my child in a healthy Islamic environment but I fear that my child will still commit the acts, and I know in Islam you cannot break kinship either. So I'm torn as to what to do if that day comes where I tell him/her I do not agree with his/her feelings for the same sex and at the same time I cannot break my ties with them. This thought is really getting to me which has now really turned me off from getting married.

I remember I would be very excited of the possibility of getting married and starting my family but now that excitement has dwindled down to fear. I know I'm suppose to put my trust in Allah but its a test where I feel I will fail miserably. The more and more I read of this situation its really getting to me. I know there are now Muslims who are creating support groups for others who have homosexual feelings but it’s that they are encouraging the practice, they call themselves 'moderate' or 'progressive'.

I am really worried about my child coming to me and saying that this feeling of theirs is a natural one and that they want to continue with it. In this scenario how should my relationship be with my child? especially if they continue with their lifestyle? I say lifestyle because of what the Qur'an says about them choosing to like the same sex. I do not curse the non-believers or keep any animosity towards them but frankly I'm now considered backward or primitive which is truly astonishing because of my views with homosexuality. Quite frankly, I don't feel any hate towards the non-believers but at the same time I see the non-believers get worked up with me like somehow I cannot grasp the concept of homosexuality as being a 'normal' thing and that I am an idiot for not understanding.

I've searched this topic on the boards, read fatwa's, listened to Sheikhs, and watched videos from Scholars on the Internet but I have not found anything specific to this issue and when I have spoken to other Muslims about this they tell me it’s not something they have ever thought about. I think for a lot of Muslims they still live in this bubble where something likes this will never happen to them (God forbid). But I feel that this is something that will not go away and will further continue to be a topic of conversation. I know I'm just rambling at this point
Any advice will be greatly appreciated

Assalamu'alaikum.

 

[Alpha Dude]

You've let yourself get so worked up about something that might or might not happen 20 years in the future. You are definitely over-thinking, bro. Live each day, week or even month as it comes.

About your son who may come up and say he can't help but be homosexual. If that does happen, you can't do much about it. As long as you've done your level best to give him the true guidance, that's all that matters. Whatever path he chooses after you've done your bit is up to him. Allah will hold him accountable on the day of judgement (keeping in mind this is the day when mothers will turn against their own kin due to the severity of the situation). It is not you who gives faith and obedience, this is up to Allah. Even the family members of Prophets didn't accept faith.

This isn't a situation that is unique to you. Every parent ought to be worried about how their children will turn out. I.e. whether they end up as drug addicts, alcoholics, gamblers or even go as far as to lose faith. If everyone was completely consumed by this worry and grief though, there would be no children being born!

 

[Abdul Fattah]

Aselam aleykum
Ok sorry if I jump to conclusions here, but could it be that you fear this because you have struggled with these feelings yourself? If that's the case, you should know that there is no conclusive proof that being gay is a heraditary trait. And in my personal opinion nobody is born gay, just as nobody is born straight. When we are born we do not have a sexuality. That only develops around puberty when our hormones kick in. When people claim to be born with this, they will tell you things like: I was always a sensitive boy, or I didn't like to play rough like all the other boys and such. But what does that have to do with sexuality? the problem is that our society has a sort of roadmap of how guys and girls should behave. There's plenty of sensative, emotional guys who are perfectly straight and didn't even worry about their sexuality. So even if your kid would inherit traits which society "labels" as gay; as long as you don't freak out and show him that it's ok to be diffrent then inshallah this will not affect his sexuality.

On another note, could it be that you are projecting your insecurity about being with a woman onto the posibility of a child? Like, using this fear to not have to face another fear?

 

[anonymous]

You've let yourself get so worked up about something that might or might not happen 20 years in the future. You are definitely over-thinking, bro. Live each day, week or even month as it comes.

Honestly it is this idea in my head of not doing enough as a parent and for something like this to come all of a sudden right at me.

About your son who may come up and say he can't help but be homosexual. If that does happen, you can't do much about it. As long as you've done your level best to give him the true guidance, that's all that matters. Whatever path he chooses after you've done your bit is up to him. Allah will hold him accountable on the day of judgement (keeping in mind this is the day when mothers will turn against their own kin due to the severity of the situation). It is not you who gives faith and obedience, this is up to Allah. Even the family members of Prophets didn't accept faith.

Oh this I know, the Prophet (pbuh) would still invite members of his family who did not believe to dinner and still preach and even Abu Talib was on his death bed the Prophet still asked him to convert but my issue is can I still hang out with my child, knowing I do not approve of it's belief and practice in homosexuality? I know my issue comes across as not being serious as other peoples problems in this forum but I really am worried about it.

This isn't a situation that is unique to you. Every parent ought to be worried about how their children will turn out. I.e. whether they end up as drug addicts, alcoholics, gamblers or even go as far as to lose faith. If everyone was completely consumed by this worry and grief though, there would be no children being born!

I feel like if my child went through something like this then at some point they will realize their mistakes and come back on to the right path but with homosexuality my concern is that if they say it is a natural thing then they do not want to stop doing it.

Jazak for the advice bro.

 

[anonymous]

Aselam aleykum
Ok sorry if I jump to conclusions here, but could it be that you fear this because you have struggled with these feelings yourself? If that's the case, you should know that there is no conclusive proof that being gay is a heraditary trait. And in my personal opinion nobody is born gay, just as nobody is born straight. When we are born we do not have a sexuality. That only develops around puberty when our hormones kick in. When people claim to be born with this, they will tell you things like: I was always a sensitive boy, or I didn't like to play rough like all the other boys and such.

Bro I've never struggled with these feelings myself ever since primary school I've had a crush on a girl at some point or another, the idea of having an attraction to the same sex has never occurred to me. My worry is not with myself but with my child I don't want to lose my connection with them but at the same time I know why they are doing is a sin.


But what does that have to do with sexuality? the problem is that our society has a sort of roadmap of how guys and girls should behave. There's plenty of sensative, emotional guys who are perfectly straight and didn't even worry about their sexuality. So even if your kid would inherit traits which society "labels" as gay; as long as you don't freak out and show him that it's ok to be diffrent then inshallah this will not affect his sexuality.

I don't think my child coming off as being sensitive would trigger an alarm with me about him being gay because my cousin was sensitive as a child, and we did seem a bit worried about him for a bit because he would always pick female characters in video games while everyone else would fight or try to be the male hero. But he is straight no doubt about it.

On another note, could it be that you are projecting your insecurity about being with a woman onto the posibility of a child? Like, using this fear to not have to face another fear?

Quite honestly I've been more concerned about my child than the actions of my wife, I can divorce my wife with no problems but I cannot divorce my child.That's where my concern lies how do I move on with it? My second thing is I see homosexuality as a choice but my issue comes in when my child says that its not a choice but a 'natural' feeling that they have always had even with all my hard work in putting them in a islamic environment.

In the states where I live you can marry and adopt a child so what would my relations be then? I never thought I would have to think about such issues but this situation came out into the public so quickly and its amazing how people turn on one another for not supporting homosexuality within the past three years. I say three because when President Obama finally agreed with same sex marriage it then solidified half the countries belief and many people became empowered by it.

jazak for the advice bro.