wanttorevert
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- Islam
Hello, I just started thinking about reverting a couple months ago..
My parents are Christian but not really "practicing". I never went to church or read the Bible, I learned bits and pieces of it but I always just considered myself an atheist or claimed that I wasnt sure if I believed in God or not. My family was very dysfunctional and my childhood was not so good (lower class family, my parents divorced when I was 2, my dad raised me. my mom was never around. My Dad was abusive to me, and he sexually abused my sister. I lived in fear of sexual abuse from him). I was bullied throughout my childhood as well so I was just downright miserable. At nine years old I thought to myself that if things got worse I would just kill myself, because I was so unhappy. Quite frankly I was angry at God, wondering why he was making me suffer. I was too young to really understand and I didn't know better. So I was just angry and decided there wasn't a God.
So I just kept wallowing in my own misery as I got older.. I hated myself because of all the abuse, bullying, etc. I went through a period of starving myself, then self-harming. I never cared much about school because I really had no hope for the future. Honestly I just wanted to die. Looking back I wish I had cared more about school. I became really withdrawn, I stopped participating in school at all and became silent. Had few friends. When I graduated high school I really was not prepared at all for university (afterall I had no confidence, no social skills, and I had pretty much skated by in high school). I did try counselling multiple times, by the way, but I always felt embarassed to go for counselling, and I always felt bad because my mom paid for it for me. It didn't help much either. My counsellors told me things like, "You're pretty and smart, so you just need to work harder to make friends and just be happy". I am always being told stuff like this.. just be happy, just smile, just be normal, just relax, it's all in your head, it's your fault you feel this way. But years of abuse and bullying have basically wired me to hate myself.
So I ended up going to university..basically completely unprepared for it. After being silent my whole high school career, having to speak in class would give me panic attacks. Literally just introducing myself would cause serious anxiety for me. I kept trying to blend in and act normal, but I honestly couldn't control the anxiety, which just caused me to be more depressed and suicidal, affecting my ability to focus on schoolwork.
Through all this I just always felt very empty, lost, depressed, etc. Always wondering what was the point of all of this.
So getting to how I got to this point of wanting to revert to Islam- this might sound weird but this is the truth. I started feeling more and more hopeless and started to wonder if God is punishing me. That made me start to think about becoming a Christian, except Christianity never really made sense to me, and I had already thought about Islam in the past because I had a Muslim friend who gave me an English translation of the Qur'an. A couple months ago I was really struggling with an unhealthy situation/obsession that had been causing me pain for over 2 years. but I just couldn't let it go. I was crying all the time, I had nightmares about it, everything reminded me of it. It's embarassing to admit all of this, but it's important to my story.
I ended up praying one night (my own lame attempt at prayer. I did not know how to pray). The next night I prayed again. Only a few days or so right after that, I felt that my heart started opening up more and more to Islam, and I could suddenly let go of that attachment. I did not feel anything at all, I did not feel sad or angry about it. After basically 2 years of not being able to let go on my own, it was suddenly gone from my mind. If I tried to even think about that thing, I could barely even remember it, after being haunted by those memories for a long time. It was like my heart was completely closed off from it, and opened up to Islam.
I started reading the Qur'an, decided to give up pork and drinking, bought some more modest clothing and started distancing myself from anything that might cause me to stray. Obviously that was only a few months ago and I still have a long way to go from here. There is still so much that I need to learn and do, but I'm really glad that my struggle has led me to Islam because I believe that it is the right path. Without this long painful struggle I would probably never have changed my ways and turned to Islam. I would rather struggle and turn to Islam than have had a happier life and not become a Muslim. Plus I have many things to be grateful for, such as good physical health, food, shelter etc. So I am not trying to complain about my life or my mental health issues, I am just trying to figure out how to cope with them
However now that university has started up again I'm slightly afraid that if I put reverting on the back burner for a while, I will stray. Furthermore, I still really need help for my mental health problems. I tried seeing if I can take a medical leave of absence from school for a bit while I try to go for therapy, and work on my mental/emotional wellbeing, but it doesn't seem like a good option because I will be penalized financially. I really cannot just control the anxiety and depression on my own. Pills do not work and I have tried things like trying to think positively or trying breathing exercises. The only thing I think would really help (besides reverting to Islam of course) is if I go to therapy and work through the emotional damage, and try to build up self esteem but that takes time.
I could really use some feedback/ advice, I know that was a long story but I really wanted to explain it all. Thank you for taking the time to read it.
My parents are Christian but not really "practicing". I never went to church or read the Bible, I learned bits and pieces of it but I always just considered myself an atheist or claimed that I wasnt sure if I believed in God or not. My family was very dysfunctional and my childhood was not so good (lower class family, my parents divorced when I was 2, my dad raised me. my mom was never around. My Dad was abusive to me, and he sexually abused my sister. I lived in fear of sexual abuse from him). I was bullied throughout my childhood as well so I was just downright miserable. At nine years old I thought to myself that if things got worse I would just kill myself, because I was so unhappy. Quite frankly I was angry at God, wondering why he was making me suffer. I was too young to really understand and I didn't know better. So I was just angry and decided there wasn't a God.
So I just kept wallowing in my own misery as I got older.. I hated myself because of all the abuse, bullying, etc. I went through a period of starving myself, then self-harming. I never cared much about school because I really had no hope for the future. Honestly I just wanted to die. Looking back I wish I had cared more about school. I became really withdrawn, I stopped participating in school at all and became silent. Had few friends. When I graduated high school I really was not prepared at all for university (afterall I had no confidence, no social skills, and I had pretty much skated by in high school). I did try counselling multiple times, by the way, but I always felt embarassed to go for counselling, and I always felt bad because my mom paid for it for me. It didn't help much either. My counsellors told me things like, "You're pretty and smart, so you just need to work harder to make friends and just be happy". I am always being told stuff like this.. just be happy, just smile, just be normal, just relax, it's all in your head, it's your fault you feel this way. But years of abuse and bullying have basically wired me to hate myself.
So I ended up going to university..basically completely unprepared for it. After being silent my whole high school career, having to speak in class would give me panic attacks. Literally just introducing myself would cause serious anxiety for me. I kept trying to blend in and act normal, but I honestly couldn't control the anxiety, which just caused me to be more depressed and suicidal, affecting my ability to focus on schoolwork.
Through all this I just always felt very empty, lost, depressed, etc. Always wondering what was the point of all of this.
So getting to how I got to this point of wanting to revert to Islam- this might sound weird but this is the truth. I started feeling more and more hopeless and started to wonder if God is punishing me. That made me start to think about becoming a Christian, except Christianity never really made sense to me, and I had already thought about Islam in the past because I had a Muslim friend who gave me an English translation of the Qur'an. A couple months ago I was really struggling with an unhealthy situation/obsession that had been causing me pain for over 2 years. but I just couldn't let it go. I was crying all the time, I had nightmares about it, everything reminded me of it. It's embarassing to admit all of this, but it's important to my story.
I ended up praying one night (my own lame attempt at prayer. I did not know how to pray). The next night I prayed again. Only a few days or so right after that, I felt that my heart started opening up more and more to Islam, and I could suddenly let go of that attachment. I did not feel anything at all, I did not feel sad or angry about it. After basically 2 years of not being able to let go on my own, it was suddenly gone from my mind. If I tried to even think about that thing, I could barely even remember it, after being haunted by those memories for a long time. It was like my heart was completely closed off from it, and opened up to Islam.
I started reading the Qur'an, decided to give up pork and drinking, bought some more modest clothing and started distancing myself from anything that might cause me to stray. Obviously that was only a few months ago and I still have a long way to go from here. There is still so much that I need to learn and do, but I'm really glad that my struggle has led me to Islam because I believe that it is the right path. Without this long painful struggle I would probably never have changed my ways and turned to Islam. I would rather struggle and turn to Islam than have had a happier life and not become a Muslim. Plus I have many things to be grateful for, such as good physical health, food, shelter etc. So I am not trying to complain about my life or my mental health issues, I am just trying to figure out how to cope with them
However now that university has started up again I'm slightly afraid that if I put reverting on the back burner for a while, I will stray. Furthermore, I still really need help for my mental health problems. I tried seeing if I can take a medical leave of absence from school for a bit while I try to go for therapy, and work on my mental/emotional wellbeing, but it doesn't seem like a good option because I will be penalized financially. I really cannot just control the anxiety and depression on my own. Pills do not work and I have tried things like trying to think positively or trying breathing exercises. The only thing I think would really help (besides reverting to Islam of course) is if I go to therapy and work through the emotional damage, and try to build up self esteem but that takes time.
I could really use some feedback/ advice, I know that was a long story but I really wanted to explain it all. Thank you for taking the time to read it.
