New Revert, tough time with feelings

[sla25]

Assalamualaikum!

I said the Shahada last year and have been studying Islam off and on. I just recently learned how to say prayer in English and have been practicing. I'm also reading a translation of the Qu'ran, but I'm feeling conflicted.

For the longest time, I felt like there was no God, and that the universe supported itself without any help. Deep down inside though, I always feel there must be a creator and what the Prophet (pbuh) says in the Qu'ran feels right to me.
Another part of me says I'm perfectly content with no religion and to live my life the way I see fit, so long as I don't hurt anyone. I never feel satisfied that way-- Like every human, I always want more. I've been worrying about this so much that
I'm making myself sick. I feel like I'm trying to force myself to be a Muslim. I make dua to Allah and ask him for his help, but I feel like he's not there.

Thanks for reading what I have to say. I decided to join the forum to get some stuff of my chest, and to learn from other Muslims who may be struggling, or from ones who are completely devoted.

In any case, thank you, again.

 

[greenhill]

Welcome to the forum.

There are a few comments I would like to make but this being an introduction section, I'd suggest you browse through the forum and take a look at stories of new reverts and see....

In the meantime, I wish you a great stay and welcome to the deen.


eace:

 

[Muslim Woman]

:wa:


Welcome to Islam .


pl. browse forum and ask about Islam in related threads . U will find many reverts here . May Allah increases His blessings in your life.

 

[strivingobserver98]

:wa:

Welcome to the forum brother .

:ia: you benefit here.

 

[sister herb]

Wa alaykumussalam

Welcome to forum.

Hopely this will be useful place to you to learn more. Don´t try to force yourself to be something. Take a little steps without pressure or stress. If you have feeling you have to force yourself, there is something what isn´t right and what distress your mind. Feel free to discuss about it with us. Many of us whose are reverts might have had similar experiencies. Or born Muslims as well.

 

[azc]

Wa alaikum assalamFeel free to ask any q.Welcome to Islam, my brother!

 

[sla25]

Thank you for the greetings, everyone!

 

[Search]

:bism:

:wa:

Welcome to the board, bro! Awesome to see you here.

Well, first thing first, thanks for coming to IB. Hope to see you benefit here and benefit us as well!

As to your feelings, well, I used to be an atheist/agnostic before my heart submitted to Islam. And it was beautiful. However, when I was still determining whether I should accept Islam in my heart, I sometimes got a surreal experience when I was supplicating to God, as if I was a fraud because I wasn't really a Muslim and had never thought I'd be one. So, I would feel completely fake when I was asking God to guide me because it felt strange asking God. So, I guess I can kinda relate to the strangeness of making dua.

As far as forcing yourself to be a Muslim, well, for me, the part that I absolutely had lots of struggle with was wearing the hijab. That is because nothing in my life had prepared me for such a thing. And I honestly didn't want to do it even though I also did want to do it (contradictory, I know). I mean...I'd read so many beautiful revert stories with women who were inherently modest and felt that wearing a hijab was an extension of that modesty within them. However, I don't think I could myself as among them because I honestly felt a little weird about it, but I did it for the sake of Allah. Now, some years down the road of practicing Islam, I don't think it strange; I honestly even forget that I am wearing the hijab because it's become a part of how I dress. I do, however, sometimes still struggle with the hijab.

Why am I sharing the struggle with the hijab since you're a dude? Islam is a living thing, a living, breathing, tangible thing that we're supposed to adopt, and that means we're waging war (jihad) against our blameworthy ego (nafs). That struggle (jihad) against the self won't go away because this life is meant to hone ourselves into best versions of ourselves if we're willing to learn from life's lessons and submit ourselves to Allah (God). It will sometimes not be easy, as nothing worth fighting for in life is, but if we fight ourselves to become willing servants to Allah, we'll find that God is willing to give us exactly what we need and more than what we'd ever have imagined. Life is funny like that.

Anywhoo, thanks for coming here; and again, huge welcome! If you have any questions or concerns, just holler, and we'll try to be there for you as servants, brothers and sisters, and friends In-sha-Allah (God-willing).

Wishing you all kinds of awesomeness,

:wa:

Assalamualaikum!

I said the Shahada last year and have been studying Islam off and on. I just recently learned how to say prayer in English and have been practicing. I'm also reading a translation of the Qu'ran, but I'm feeling conflicted.

For the longest time, I felt like there was no God, and that the universe supported itself without any help. Deep down inside though, I always feel there must be a creator and what the Prophet (pbuh) says in the Qu'ran feels right to me.
Another part of me says I'm perfectly content with no religion and to live my life the way I see fit, so long as I don't hurt anyone. I never feel satisfied that way-- Like every human, I always want more. I've been worrying about this so much that
I'm making myself sick. I feel like I'm trying to force myself to be a Muslim. I make dua to Allah and ask him for his help, but I feel like he's not there.

Thanks for reading what I have to say. I decided to join the forum to get some stuff of my chest, and to learn from other Muslims who may be struggling, or from ones who are completely devoted.

In any case, thank you, again.

 

[sla25]

Thank you for your words, Sister. It's a comfort to hear your story, and a reminder that submitting to Allah isn't always an easy task.

I used to talk to God a lot when I was younger, and started recently again, and now when I do it, it's always under the assumption that I'm grateful "if he's there", instead of truly feeling like Allah is real. This is something that I will make dua for and hopefully find an answer, InshAllah.

:bism:

:wa:

Welcome to the board, bro! Awesome to see you here.

Well, first thing first, thanks for coming to IB. Hope to see you benefit here and benefit us as well!

As to your feelings, well, I used to be an atheist/agnostic before my heart submitted to Islam. And it was beautiful. However, when I was still determining whether I should accept Islam in my heart, I sometimes got a surreal experience when I was supplicating to God, as if I was a fraud because I wasn't really a Muslim and had never thought I'd be one. So, I would feel completely fake when I was asking God to guide me because it felt strange asking God. So, I guess I can kinda relate to the strangeness of making dua.

As far as forcing yourself to be a Muslim, well, for me, the part that I absolutely had lots of struggle with was wearing the hijab. That is because nothing in my life had prepared me for such a thing. And I honestly didn't want to do it even though I also did want to do it (contradictory, I know). I mean...I'd read so many beautiful revert stories with women who were inherently modest and felt that wearing a hijab was an extension of that modesty within them. However, I don't think I could myself as among them because I honestly felt a little weird about it, but I did it for the sake of Allah. Now, some years down the road of practicing Islam, I don't think it strange; I honestly even forget that I am wearing the hijab because it's become a part of how I dress. I do, however, sometimes still struggle with the hijab.

Why am I sharing the struggle with the hijab since you're a dude? Islam is a living thing, a living, breathing, tangible thing that we're supposed to adopt, and that means we're waging war (jihad) against our blameworthy ego (nafs). That struggle (jihad) against the self won't go away because this life is meant to hone ourselves into best versions of ourselves if we're willing to learn from life's lessons and submit ourselves to Allah (God). It will sometimes not be easy, as nothing worth fighting for in life is, but if we fight ourselves to become willing servants to Allah, we'll find that God is willing to give us exactly what we need and more than what we'd ever have imagined. Life is funny like that.

Anywhoo, thanks for coming here; and again, huge welcome! If you have any questions or concerns, just holler, and we'll try to be there for you as servants, brothers and sisters, and friends In-sha-Allah (God-willing).

Wishing you all kinds of awesomeness,

:wa:

 

[Search]

:bism:



You're most welcome, brother. In-sha-Allah, it will get easier for you and don't be concerned; Islam is easy, and we just kinda need practice to attain perfection (ihsan).

One of the best ways you can learn to feel closeness to Allah SWT and feel the Creator is real is when you see your duas are being answered. For example, my sheikh (Islamic teacher) taught that there is an etiquette and everything in Islam is built on the foundation of cultivating the best etiquette. Best etiquette is with all creation and most importantly our Creator.

Etiquette of dua we can adopt wheneverwe wish to sincerely ask the Creator:
1) Preferably make fresh wudu as you'll be supplicating the Creator. (This prepares the mind and heart to meet and speak with Allah.)
2) Praising Allah or calling Him by His Most Beautiful Names, 99 of which are mostly common known. (This is like knocking on the door and calling.)
3) Sending salutations upon God's Last and Most Beloved Prophet :saws: sallalahu alayhi wasallam (peace and blessings be upon him). (This is like opening the door and entering the meeting.)
3) Asking what you need at least three times as that is the sunnah (tradition); so, for example, "O Allah, please bless me with guidance and great income. O Allah, please bless me with guidance and great income. O Allah, please bless me with guidance and great income." (This is for emphasis and also a means of being clear what you want.)
4) Having certainty that Allah is going to answer the prayer. (This is to recognize that Allah is merciful.)
5) Trusting Allah and leaving the matter entirely in the hands of Allah. (This is to know that Allah has all the power and we're powerless and dependent on His infinite mercy.)
6) Sending salutations upon God's Last and Most Beloved Prophet :saws: sallalahu alayhi wasallam (peace and blessings be upon him). (This is like politely exiting a meeting.)

Also, there is something that's called waswas (whispers that come from shaitaan), which is also what you might be experiencing, and different Muslims experience this to different degrees. So, one extremely helpful and awesome free PDF book made available online is called Combating the Whisperings of Shaytaan by Mawlana Yunus Patel, which I think would be In-sha-Allah (God-willing) a beneficial read for you which I've linked and which you may read at your convenience In-sha-Allah (God-willing).

BarakAllahu feek (May Allah bless you).

Wishing you health and happiness,


:wa:

Thank you for your words, Sister. It's a comfort to hear your story, and a reminder that submitting to Allah isn't always an easy task.

I used to talk to God a lot when I was younger, and started recently again, and now when I do it, it's always under the assumption that I'm grateful "if he's there", instead of truly feeling like Allah is real. This is something that I will make dua for and hopefully find an answer, InshAllah.

 

[sla25]

Jazak Allah Khair, Sister, and thank you for the PDF. I have it open now and currently reading through it.

You're really too kind to offer me all this information, and I'm grateful for it! I'll surely keep you in prayers.