Not sure how to deal with my brother not praying...

[Abdulah97]

Hello all,

This issue is frustrating me, I have a little brother (19 years old) and I am 22 years old, my brother basically only prays if my parents tell him to pray and on the odd occasion he might pray if I tell him to. The issue is that my parents, have their own life to deal with so they don't tell him to pray 5 times a day, the issue for him is that, everytime a prayer is due, I am usually back home getting ready to pray it, so naturally I remind him to pray, sometimes he will say later, in which I would come back 30 minutes later, and he still would not pray it and end up missing the prayer!

This is causing two big problems between me and my bro, first of all, I am the only one reminding him to pray 5 times a day and my parents often times forget, so I am taking all the heat between me and him, he thinks I am on his ass 24/7 and is consitently thinking of me as the bad guy and the guy whos always out to get him, so this put our relationship is super tough spot. Now, the second thing is, he has no personal problems with me if it doesn't have to do with prayer, like he would talk to me about a bunch of different subjects and entertainment, but the issue with me is that when I see him talking to me, it weird, but like my brain automatically starts thinking "this guy doesn't pray" and the big brother in me just gets dissaponted and so I have to either be fake and act like I am interested in talking about different subjects eventhough the dude is not praying or straight up not talk to him so that he will start praying (which he still will not do). It also doesn't help that I am in college 5 times a week grinding my ass off, to come back home and seeing this dude playing games. I am not a perfect human, nor is he the worest human, the guy doesn't do girlfriends, drugs, drinking, partying, so hes not a bad Muslim. He also does not really believe in other religions so thats another plus, he just does not want to pray, he does not like it. Basically hes Muslim by name and all he does is video games.

Now I talked to my parents about this and they want me to back off on staying on his ass about praying because they fear that I am going to lose him, and my brother knows this, so basically now no matter what I tell him he will not pray if I say it, and will only pray if parents say it, not because he likes to pray but because he wants them to stop telling him to pray.

Anyways, I don't know the solution here, should I completely take a step back as the older brother and stop advising him on praying? He views me as his enemy in this regard so if I tell him to pray he will not do it and its only hurting our relationship. So if thats the case then I need tips to become an older brother to him without telling him how to live his life. What I mean is that, I need some reminders to not think of him bad when I see him not praying but just kind of "fake it" and show love to him no matter if he prays or not and this is very very hard for me to do. So if their is tips on this from parents or siblings on here who have someone that doesn't like to pray and how you deal with it as a older brother then please I am all ears.

 

[Supernova]

Not your problem - he is big enough to make his own mind up. Problem today is that everybody is too concerned what others are doing.

 

[MazharShafiq]

do advice him always and pray for him.

 

[Abdulah97]

Yeah thank you for advice, just going to pray for him, but sometimes he brings up the excuse that he is not praying because he forgets about it and in the past I would remind him like 10 times for the day I think imma change my ways to not always be on him 24/7, let him make his own decisions.

 

[Abdulah97]

19 year old brother doesn't pray I have 2 options

As-salamu alaykum,

I have a young 19 year old brother and I am his older brother 22 and I remind him all the time to pray and he always says "okay" but never does this. He is 19 years old and he literally has never gotten up and prayed on his own, he only prays when parents tell him to because he wants to please them and have them not shut off the internet/power on him. He does come jumah prayer with him so thats def a big one even if he only does it because he knows my dad will be upset if he doesn't come but other than that the guy has 0 cares about prayer. I talked with him before and he knows its haram but says hes "too lazy" in general he is a very lazy person, struggles in his homework and school work and generally just likes to play games or go play basketball but doesnot like to do anything mature like pray, work, study, maybe go workout in gym. Anything thats hard he doesn't like, so I guess we can say hes techcnially not 100% against prayer it self but the fact that he is just a lazy person in general because of playing games that he has no ambitions in life.

As his older brother I can only do so much, especially cos last time I got in a fight with him over his prayers and my parents told me to back off. So now I have 2 options that I wanted to come to this forum for advice. Should I stop talking to him period untill he starts praying or is this bad? That way I dont force him to pray but also let him know that its not okay to not pray. If he were to get a girlfriend or start drinking I would literally do the same thing, I am not going to force him into anything but just straight up not talk, so should I do this if hes not praying right now? I see always the advice is to make dua for him and let him be but the issue is that I see him in the house all the time and its kind of hard to ignore him not praying. Like we would be talking about basketball but then I remember the guy doesn't pray so its hard for me to ignore this fact when hes talking about some silly subject like this. What you guys think I should do? Just keep making dua for him and continue good relationship with him even if I know hes not praying? Cos if so its going to be hard for me to ignore that he doesnt pray and just treat him like my brother and nothing else . Or should I straight up stop talking with him and hopefully he sees why I stopped talking with him cos of his prayers and begins to pray on his own?

 

[*charisma*]

Re: 19 year old brother doesn't pray I have 2 options

Assalamu Alaikum,

As his older brother I can only do so much, especially cos last time I got in a fight with him over his prayers and my parents told me to back off. So now I have 2 options that I wanted to come to this forum for advice. Should I stop talking to him period untill he starts praying or is this bad? That way I dont force him to pray but also let him know that its not okay to not pray. If he were to get a girlfriend or start drinking I would literally do the same thing, I am not going to force him into anything but just straight up not talk, so should I do this if hes not praying right now? I see always the advice is to make dua for him and let him be but the issue is that I see him in the house all the time and its kind of hard to ignore him not praying. Like we would be talking about basketball but then I remember the guy doesn't pray so its hard for me to ignore this fact when hes talking about some silly subject like this. What you guys think I should do? Just keep making dua for him and continue good relationship with him even if I know hes not praying? Cos if so its going to be hard for me to ignore that he doesnt pray and just treat him like my brother and nothing else . Or should I straight up stop talking with him and hopefully he sees why I stopped talking with him cos of his prayers and begins to pray on his own?

Your brother is old enough to know right from wrong. You don't have to treat him like a kid, and your harshness towards him (even if it is for a good cause) may make him not want to be around you. If what you're doing is not working, then you need to try something else. You're looking at this problem at a micro-level view. You need to zoom out and look at all the influences in his life, his friends, how he spends his time, his activities, etc. You and your brother seem close, so why not do activities together that increase one's iman, such as volunteering, feeding the poor, having islamic discussions with others. Indirectly helping him may be more effective. He needs to realize his mistakes on his own. If the manner he is living his life is not reminding him of the importance in Allah's mercy and powers, then your harshness will not make the connection for him.

Secondly, you shouldn't look down on him. Maybe he is dealing with something you don't know about and he cant open up to you because you're already putting him down. For some people it is very natural and relieving to pray when they have problems. They put their problems and trust in Allah's hands. For others, they may feel ashamed or hopeless because their iman has not developed strongly enough. And there are those who are simply just lazy and its because they allow unimportant things to take priority in their lives. You have to be patient, kind, and understanding and make du'a for him. I completely understand your frustrations and how much you see the importance in prayer, but there's a disconnect with your brother where he can't see the same thing that you need to address if the way you're doing things is not working.

 

[MazharShafiq]

Re: 19 year old brother doesn't pray I have 2 options

Assalamu Alaikum,



Your brother is old enough to know right from wrong. You don't have to treat him like a kid, and your harshness towards him (even if it is for a good cause) may make him not want to be around you. If what you're doing is not working, then you need to try something else. You're looking at this problem at a micro-level view. You need to zoom out and look at all the influences in his life, his friends, how he spends his time, his activities, etc. You and your brother seem close, so why not do activities together that increase one's iman, such as volunteering, feeding the poor, having islamic discussions with others. Indirectly helping him may be more effective. He needs to realize his mistakes on his own. If the manner he is living his life is not reminding him of the importance in Allah's mercy and powers, then your harshness will not make the connection for him.

Secondly, you shouldn't look down on him. Maybe he is dealing with something you don't know about and he cant open up to you because you're already putting him down. For some people it is very natural and relieving to pray when they have problems. They put their problems and trust in Allah's hands. For others, they may feel ashamed or hopeless because their iman has not developed strongly enough. And there are those who are simply just lazy and its because they allow unimportant things to take priority in their lives. You have to be patient, kind, and understanding and make du'a for him. I completely understand your frustrations and how much you see the importance in prayer, but there's a disconnect with your brother where he can't see the same thing that you need to address if the way you're doing things is not working.

well said

 

[Abdulah97]

This is really awesome reply, I will definitely not be harsh on him and not talk with him. I will treat him normal. For now, should I change my method of asking him to pray? Usually I am home for most of the prayers and hes in his room, I would say "lets pray" and he would say "not now" and then I go on with my day and leave him be. Is their something different I should be doing at that point? I try to show him videos which definitely have an influence on him because he starts to pray automatically on his own for a day or 2 but then he reverts back to playing games.

Right now one of the activities we do together is Friday prayer, and sometimes he also comes with me and my father to Isha prayer but thats about it. Will look into your other suggestions for sure.

I will ask him later if hes dealing with something or its just pure laziness and will see what he says. Thank you for your suggetions!

 

[*charisma*]

This is really awesome reply, I will definitely not be harsh on him and not talk with him. I will treat him normal. For now, should I change my method of asking him to pray? Usually I am home for most of the prayers and hes in his room, I would say "lets pray" and he would say "not now" and then I go on with my day and leave him be. Is their something different I should be doing at that point? I try to show him videos which definitely have an influence on him because he starts to pray automatically on his own for a day or 2 but then he reverts back to playing games.

Right now one of the activities we do together is Friday prayer, and sometimes he also comes with me and my father to Isha prayer but thats about it. Will look into your other suggestions for sure.

I will ask him later if hes dealing with something or its just pure laziness and will see what he says. Thank you for your suggetions!

YOu can try talking to him one on one like a caring brother. Tell him that you love him and care about his well being in the hereafter. He may not listen after you doing that, but I'm sure he will keep it in mind. Try to find something you both like doing as brothers and build a dream from it and work on developing that dream. Your bond can become better and perhaps you can find success through it. Start having real discussions about life, marriage, the world, and the future. It might click with him to think about his future even without mentioning prayers. If he is spending a lot of his time in his room playing games, then he needs to find better hobbies that are fruitful for his future. You can help him do that and slowly move him out of his bad habits by having better things to do.

Usually I am home for most of the prayers and hes in his room, I would say "lets pray" and he would say "not now" and then I go on with my day and leave him be.

You can guilt trip him in a playful way lol. You can say something like "Come on please? I really miss praying with you." Or "Ok, I'll give you 5 minutes so we can pray together, I'll be waiting." Maybe go in 10 minutes before prayers and play with him (if he's playing games) and then say hey lets go pray real quick so we can play the next game. You can find different ways to try to coerce him into praying with you. But if he's not budging then like I said you need to fix this issue at its core.