Not sure if I am in the right marriage, advice?

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Jannilihabib

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Assalam Alaykum warmatullahi wabaraktul.
I am a revert going into 3 years alhamdulillah. My path has been filled with ups and downs. I have been married once and now I am in my second marriage. My first marriage, I was a second wife, and I was expected to work to help contribute to household expenses and when I failed to do so, and started realizing what my rights were, he wanted a divorce because he could not financially and emotionally handle it anymore.
My second marriage alhamdulillah, I married a brother who is only two years older than I am, and is a revert as well 12 months in. He is a refugee from Hungarian with his family and we are in Canada.
I was given the impression that he planned on staying in Canada and that they had already worked on their case.
After marrying, I find out their case has not been touched or handled for 5 years. Not sure if much effort was made...
Before I married him, I was teaching at a school that did not have a proper school system, which overworked the teachers to an extreme level of stress and took over my life (I love teaching but the kind of work they gave us, last minute, disorganized, mixing with non Mahram and unprepared took my stress level to a whole different world) then I met my husband.
After marrying, I was still working. Trying to balance work, and married life wasn't working too well. As I was not always able to readily prepare food for my husband nor was I able to carry proper lesson plans.
He became upset one time because he was hungry and had told me to leave my job.
I felt bad that I could not take care of this need he had, and it stressed me out with other work piled on, it led me to becoming sick and I had to leave my job.
So I have been jobless since then.
Note: we have been married since February this year.
While not working, my husband has been the one who is providing for housing expenses, food, ect... I understand that it is hard for him due to the fact that he is a refugee here in Canada. he was working two jobs and on top of receiving financial assistance from the governement. Then he left his other job due to many apparent reasons that he gave me at that time:
1. He could not stand working with the people there
2. He wanted more time with his deen
Now that he has one job and has a lot of time but he is being paid less, he still has not made much time for his deen, and he still have issues with people at work in a new setting. He blames me that he left his other job.
With the one job, we were receiving help from the governement on expenses and housing, now that they have cut our allowances my husband is frustrated, and is planning on making up things to be able to get our allowances. The whole entire time he was never honest with the governement and was working two jobs that was enough for us. Ect....
Now this is where the problem comes up.
Because he is so frustrated that he blames me that I am not helping him. That I should help him because I did that in my previous marriage without knowledge that husband is to provide for wife regardless.
I am confused, I was told to leave my job so I can perform my duties at home now I am told I should go to work if i love him to help him.
There are times where he would want to throw in the towel and call quits because life in Canada is too hard to live in and wants to go back home to Hungary. And for me, that is a very big move, and this was NEVER discussed in previous meetings. I have many things I must do on my end to fix my part of my life, for I fear my meeting with Allah because I have not taken care of things that is required. alhamdulillah we do not have kids yet. I try my best to do what I can to help my husband as I have very little resources. But when it comes to financially, I do not understand what he wants me to do. One day this one day that, there is no ground, no consistency and we've talked about this whole problem many times and it never gets anywhere Nor does it get through to him because he is back to where he started!

Going into this marriage I expected that a person is to change their life, to live in a civil manner with the law because even our Prophet Muhammad saw advised us to behave accordingly to whichever place we live in as so long as it does not interfere or corrupt our faith. I expected honesty with one another, and that we both agreed that he would provide for me if he does not want me to work.
I grew up living in crime, running away from authorities within my family and lies after lies building up. I want to live a normal, Muslim life and obey Allah swt but my husband is making it hard for the both of us.
With his behaviour and attitude, it is causing me to really want to flee from my duties at home and as a wife to him in general. There are times he comes home with such a bad temper where I cannot stand to be around him or look at him. I know I am supposed to try my best to be tolerant of him but I feel my own level of maturity, behaviour and Iman going down with his influence and it is truly hurting me on the inside and I cannot imagine what life will be like if we do have children, I fear for their upbringing from my husband.

All I want is honesty, patience, understanding fear of Allah, and to be able to give me my rights as a woman. I feel I am expected to be a housewife and a working wife at the same time, if not I feel he will hold something against me forever, but I know my rights. I would do what he want me to because at the end of the day I do it for my Allah but when I come to an agreement, he changes his mind. I feel very vulnerable at this stage, I feel mentally, emotionally and psychologically unstable. I am very disappointed in my husband because he refuses to do certain good deeds that is good for his deen and our family to receive such blessings from Allah swt. To obey Allah swt...
I am questioning whether or not I should continue to stay in this marriage for I fear that one day it can become worse without a strong foundation of FAITH in ALLAH SWT.
I make lots of duas For guidance and I even made istikhara.
We spoke about separation, he even suggested that I need someone who can provide for me once but we rekindled but then things go back to the way they were...
I want to please my Allah but i fear the corruption of my faith staying in this marriage
I'm not sure if this is a good reason for separation but I feel trapped and suffocated. :'(
Help...
 
Wa alaikum salam dearest sister.

Thanks for taking the time to write your post. With all these problems around you it is clear that your husband is manipulating you. He doesnt care much about what you are going through and that is very unsettling. Just be thankful that you dont have any children yet and at the way things are carrying on, I suggest you decide if you want to continue living with him, as there's little chance people like that change.

You need someone who will look after your needs and the house, a man with a stable mind and good thinking; not someone who expects you to work to provide for the household. That is not your worries. For him to expect that from you is unfair. You have too much of a responsibility to take handle, thats besides him being so unreasonable with you.

I hope this advice has helped you to decide what next to do, sister, I hope for the best. Also dont forget to make a lot of dua seeking Allah's assistance and guidance.
 
Walaykum AssalAm
JazakAllah Khair for this advice.
i just have a sense of worry that if I ask for a divorce as I did last time, There's a Hadith that said that a woman will not smell the fragrance of Paradise.
Is this true? Are my reasons enough to say I can't be in this marriage? Some find it small but I find it to be psychologically damaging.
InshAllah I will continue making a lot of Dua ...
 
:bism: (In the Name of God, the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful)

:sl: (Peace be upon you)

@Jannilihabib

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles in your marriage, and I hope that you are doing better today. I sympathize with your position - that said, I wanted to offer a different and alternative view to which I hope God-willing you're receptive.

Marriage is a partnership based in both partner's rights and obligations. It is true that as a woman in Islam, you are not obliged to work and instead have the right to stay at home as you'd wish if that's your wish. However, if you did help your partner to better your financial situation collectively, that would be considered a charity on your part and praiseworthy instead of demeritorious. For example, my father has cancer and for time has felt unable to work and so my mother is working to balance the lack of his financial input; my parents could not have predicted going into their marriage so many years ago as my father had wanted my mother from the start to be a housewife and their marriage had been based on that understanding that he's the primary breadwinner.

Also, from what you've said, you yourself have said that your own attitude to your husband is many times less than desirable due to the combined stress of your financial situation and your husband's attitude. I understand that your husband has a bad attitude, and certainly that is reprehensible on his part, and I do not want to in any way justify him. However, dearest sister, you cannot control your husband's attitude but you can control your own reactions and act in the best interests of your marriage. I'm not saying you should work if you are unable to do so as a result of your sickness; but also, I don't see the demerit of you working if you are able to do so (without being sick if you have recovered from your sickness) to ease your financial burden until your husband becomes more stabilized in his income. Think about this: If you do divorce him, you will have to work to provide for yourself anyway unless you're able to glean housing and monies from your parents.

Also, dearest sister, please understand no person is perfect; marriage is composed of two imperfect individuals working together to try to create a semblance of a marriage perfected through times of sorrow and happiness, health and sickness, and in wealth and in poverty.

That said, as to what you should do, if you are sure that this is psychologically damaging for you and you cannot absolutely tolerate this man or this marriage any longer, then you have to do what is best for you and there is no sin as far as I know in trying to save your iman from deterioration in a bad marriage. That said, I'd ask you to reflect and think long and hard about what you want out of life and the good points and bad points in the marriage and see if the good doesn't somehow still manage to outweigh the bad. If the latter should be the case, I ask you to please work on bettering yourself and your marriage through any means available to you while also communicating with your husband about how you both can afford bettering your marriage and communicating with him the need for him to change his specific attitudes and behaviors towards a more positive one for the benefit of you both.

I will not ask you to hasten to divorce; but I do second the advice given in regards to continuing to make duas and also will advise you to do Istikhara. If there is an Imam near you, I'd also advise you to have your husband and you try counseling if you do decide to continue with this marriage. I don't know what else to advise you, but I do wish the best for you and hope whatever decision you take is in your best interest and is the highest good for both you and your husband.

:wa: (And peace be upon you)
 
Assalamu-alaikum dear sister,

Please consider seeking marriage counselling - via a respected aalim/ islamic scholar in your vicinity (perhaps the imaam of your nearest masjid may be able to assist or direct you in this regard in shaa Allah).

This is a matter where guidance for both yourself and your husband - from a knowledgeable elder, would be most beneficial.

Divorce should be the last resort. First exhaust every possible avenue to revive and salvage the marriage.

May Allah (subhanawataála) place mercy and love in your home, keep your hearts united and strength to each others imaan.
Ameen

:wa:
 
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Sister, its not like you want a divorce on a flimsy excuse. If he's not treating you well and as in this case, you will not be blamed or at fault. Maybe you want to try a sort of temporary separation, to see if he will be more willing to respect this marriage?
[MENTION=37849]Search[/MENTION], I acknowledge what you say, but if you read what the sister is going through. Her husband is going back and forth in his demands and that is not right. She has been taken advantage of.

The sister was willing to work to help out but stopped on his insistence, then he wanted her to work again, back and forth. I dread them having children in a situation like this, it is very unhealthy.
 
To Search

JazakAllah Khair for your kind advice.
I know divorce should be he last resort, as I have always believed in that. And there were numerous times I've been patient to not go up to divorce. However, many times he has wanted to leave even when times become hard.
I wanted to help work but he refuses so now he wants me to and when I am searching for a job he tells me he doesn't want me to work. His mind is constantly changing and there's no stability in his decision.
Which leaves me confused.
I don't find this to be very healthy for our marriage and for our future children if we ever do have.
 
To Zaira

We have seeked counselling. He knows what he has to do in an Islamic marriage as I do too.
We've watched videos together but at the end of the day were both not good for each islamically, mentally, emotionally and psychologically.
 
:salam:

So when you don't work he says go and search for a Job, when you go and search for a Job, he says don't work.

That is very indecisive and unfair. Either he:

A. Let you work so you can help him financially.
B. Have you do the housework, and him the financing.

It seems like he wants you to both work AND do the housework, but whenever you intend to do either of them, he says to do the opposite. This is illogical, and tell him that either it is work or housework. And if he is not satisifed with you doing either of them, then why stay with such a guy?

may Allah :swt: help you. Ameen.

Allahhu alam.
 
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Yes, I think before getting married Allah swt was showing me signs that this marriage was good but I wasn't trusting Allah enough. I see everything unfolding into such a manner that is not suitable for marriage, let alone mental health..
 
Sister, may Allah guide you to do what is best (ameen), and you make the best decisions, insha'allah.
 
Assalaamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuhu Jannili my dear,


(gently) From what you have posted, it seems to me that it could be very helpful for you to seek professional counselling for yourself. It seems to me that from the patterns in your childhood, you have a tendency to get into relationships that are unhealthy. Even if you leave this present marriage (and I personally suspect that it would be the best option for both yourself and your future children), unless you get to the core of who you are and how you can make positive changes, even though you may have all the best intentions not to get into any more abusive relationships (and they are abusive), you very likely will.

I know psychologists are horribly expensive, so perhaps you could start with any local social services that might be free. In Québec (my home province), CLSCs have such free social services, but I don't know about other provinces. You might try contacting local women's shelters or Help lines to find out. However, once you get back onto your financial feet, I'd really recommend you try finding a psychologist to help you explore how to change your patterns.

Hugs, my dear. Remember: you are God's beautiful creation.


May Allah, the Compassionate, the Self-Sufficient, Guide and Protect you.
 
Assalamu alaykum
From what you have previously said (the op). I think that your husband is going through some kind of personal crisis or possibly depression. Someone suggested marriage counsolling but I also think he needs personal one on one counsoling for himself. I am being serious and I don't take this thing lightly. He his your husband and to me that means being with him in sickness and in health...you have to sick by the man you love or loved once...think about how you shared your life with this man and agreed to give your whole self intimately to him. He trusts you and he is in pain now clearly. I think you need to think hard before being hasty to divorce a man that shared that magnitude of love with you. His behaviour now is wrong by islam. yes he is not giving you all your rights. but maybe he simply can't right now due to deteriorating health.
My first step would be to talk to his family doctor, then find a job so that you can do that job of supporting him in recovery from stress before he has a mental breakdown.
I don't think run away from him now is good. After all, you married him because you love yes? Then why run away just because of materistic things that aren't there...he can't provide a stay at home lifestyle for you? then go work...its Canada, you are free and able to work easily and nobody can say anything to you about hijab at work. Think of all the rewards you get form Allah for doing the charity for your husband to allow him to have time to fix his life and health.
I wish you good things. and a good life.
You can divorce if you like. I think you have a good reason for it. However, that may be your last chance with this man who you promised to love and honor....please be careful. Try every option you have to save the marriage.
may allah make things easy for you.
ameen
 

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