One step forward, a million back.

[anonymous]

Asalam alaikum brothers and sisters.
I'm writing this cause I need to get a few things off my chest, and I will take any advice given to me very seriously. I'm sorry to be so needy.

I'm scared, actually paranoid.
There's a lot going on in life right now and I just don't know what to do. Alhumdulilah, I'm making a lot of dua. I just feel I have a lot of Camels to tie, and don't know how to manage it.

I'm a brother. Brothers aren't emotional, everyone tells me, we're logical. I disagree. Since Friday last week I've been either in tears when in private or the verge of it mostly. Until I have that second win where I just forget everything and find bliss, but that is just until the reality switches on again.

I feel very unstable.
To begin with, I've had to deal with someone not leaving me alone. Of the opposite gender, and not Muslim. I don't know why, but they just keep contacting me by any means they find. I've explained the deens stance to them directly but they don't let up. It's like I can't escape them no matter how hard I try. It's like they are trapping me. I feel almost stalked, even though I know they're harmless. I feel like Muslim brothers will see me as someone who provoked this and my character is being defamed. I'm scared.
Then on top of that I've got someone in my life (loose ties beyond my control). They know where I live, where I work, everything. I've been advised to call emergency services if they come anywhere near me or another family member. They have me looking over my shoulder constantly. I have had no direct contact with this person since before 2003, and there's little risk of them coming near me at all. But just the advice I was given has me so scared. Yesterday I freaked out about a car pulling up outside my house.
Along with that an elderly family member, whom I am responsible for caring for has shown signs of losing their mental state, and rapidly. I don't know how I can be strong for them if I can't being strong for myself. I'm worried for them. I'm going to fail them.
On top of that, I feel very alone. In the past I've done things I regret. I don't know that people are judging me, but I feel like brothers who don't even know me know about my past, and I know that's paranoid. It's made me socially awkward lately and withdrawn. I know it's paranoia. I just can't shake it though.
With that, these last few weeks I've seen myself feeling a need to get married, but now is not the time of my life for that. There's no room. It's even unfair of me to feel that. I need someone with me, to help me battle. But I know that's not expected of a wife and I know that it's selfish of me and hate it because of that. I've started to be hit hard with seeds of sexual desire like never before that I am doing everything I can to supress. I know I could never rope someone into this, and I know I have too much emotional baggage for anyone to have to put up with.
Yesterday, at work, I broke down to the point I had to go somewhere quiet and just sit. My workmates know there's something up, but not what. Alhumdulilah they were tolerant of it.

I've never felt like I'm on such an emotional rollercoaster before.

I'm so sorry. I just needed somewhere to put down my honest feelings and what is going on anonymously.

 

[Muslim Woman]

Walaykum as Salaam

Asalam alaikum brothers and sisters.

...I've seen myself feeling a need to get married, but now is not the time of my life for that.

if u can afford , then get married . Ask Allah to bless you with a pious wife. Keep praying and have patience pl.

May Allah grants what is best for you , Ameen.

 

[anonymous]

Jzk. For your answer and dua. Ameen.
May Allah reward you.
I'm putting the marriage thing last priority, it's on my mind and has added to things but it's something I feel like I need to avoid for now and be patient with. I just need to repress it as much as I can inshAllah. I have so much more on my plate and as I said part of the conflict is my feeling it'd be unfair for me to marry someone and bring them into this mess.
Also, who would want to marry me at this time? I'm an emotional wreck.
Imagine meeting a sister and telling her well, there are some issues right now and here they are...It would mean an instant rejection, I know that completely.

 

[Muslim Woman]

Salaam

I'm an emotional wreck.
.

Did u talk to any doc ? Do u pray regularly bro ?

 

[anonymous]

Wa alaikum salam.

I do maintain my prayers. Alhumdulilah.
No, I haven't seen a doc. Maybe I need to. But, it's just really hard to actually open up in person.

 

[Muslim Woman]

Salaam bro

there is nothing wrong to talk to a doctor about problem . If u don't open up ,how a doc can treat u ? So , dont' hesitate and take medical help . InshaAllah u will be ok soon.

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

wa alaykum us-Salaam
-that girl that is bugging you, just ignore her. seriously, just literally ignore her. you have done what you need to do, now just ignore her. as-long as you keep giving her indications that you are interested, she is going to keep coming back. so just completely ignore. if you aren't giving indications, then what she is doing is bordering on stalking :hmm:

do you grow a beard? well, if you dont, do that as-well. im sure it will scare her off and if it doesn't, then she's insane.

-people judging you. your sins are between you and Allah, no-one else. and if anyone is judging you, then that is a clear indication that you shouldn't take them seriously or worry about what they have to say...they'll have their own sins and whatnot to worry about. some for them may not realize their wrong doings but are more than happy to go point out the fault of others. my point? dont worry about what they have to say.
maybe you should speak to those brothers, as to get advise. they shouldn't harm or judge you in anyway and if they are sincere, im sure they wont. stick with those who are going to be good for your iman (i.e your brethren in faith). becuase the only people you will have to befriend after them, are the unrighteous.
what will become of your iman after that?

beware of cutting off from people, it leaves it's nasty traces.

-marriage...if you can provide for her, you are old enough and mature enough for marriage, get married.
as long as she isnt in danger in anyway or your circumstances aren't going to affect her in anyway, go for it. but i must emphasize, if it leaves her in any dangers, then yes, you should think twice or at-least pray istikhara.

if its just passing thoughts that stem from low self-esteem that are preventing you from marriage, then you need to solve them and try not let them get to you. try to distinguish what is a genuine problem and what isnt.

sometimes some things in life cannot be changed. of course, we should try but if we find ourselves in predicaments, then we should just accept them as they are and work our way around them.

-you know those tears that you speak of that you cant control and just pour without you realizing and for no app rent reason?-thats the time and the best key to make dua. so utilize it and pray from the bottom of your heart for Allah to help you. by Allah, when all doors are closed, know that there is always one opened. always.

On top of that, I feel very alone. In the past I've done things I regret. I don't know that people are judging me, but I feel like brothers who don't even know me know about my past, and I know that's paranoid. It's made me socially awkward lately and withdrawn. I know it's paranoia. I just can't shake it though.

yes you can. dont underestimate yourself...sometimes the only reason we cant get anywhere, is becuase we get so caught up thinking of things that aren't even relevant adn that dont even happen...such as what people will think of us.

 

[Muhaba]

Asalam alaikum brothers and sisters.
I'm writing this cause I need to get a few things off my chest, and I will take any advice given to me very seriously. I'm sorry to be so needy.

I'm scared, actually paranoid.
There's a lot going on in life right now and I just don't know what to do. Alhumdulilah, I'm making a lot of dua. I just feel I have a lot of Camels to tie, and don't know how to manage it.

I'm a brother. Brothers aren't emotional, everyone tells me, we're logical. I disagree. Since Friday last week I've been either in tears when in private or the verge of it mostly. Until I have that second win where I just forget everything and find bliss, but that is just until the reality switches on again.

I feel very unstable.
To begin with, I've had to deal with someone not leaving me alone. Of the opposite gender, and not Muslim. I don't know why, but they just keep contacting me by any means they find. I've explained the deens stance to them directly but they don't let up. It's like I can't escape them no matter how hard I try. It's like they are trapping me. I feel almost stalked, even though I know they're harmless. I feel like Muslim brothers will see me as someone who provoked this and my character is being defamed. I'm scared.

contact the police regarding this person as stalking can get dangerous. if she's harmless, hopefully a warning from police will stop her. Stop worrying about your character being defamed. if you haven't done anything wrong or don't want to do anything wrong, then Allah will protect you from that. Also, read Ayatulkursi at least 3 times morning and and evening to protect yourself from hard.

Then on top of that I've got someone in my life (loose ties beyond my control). They know where I live, where I work, everything. I've been advised to call emergency services if they come anywhere near me or another family member. They have me looking over my shoulder constantly. I have had no direct contact with this person since before 2003, and there's little risk of them coming near me at all. But just the advice I was given has me so scared. Yesterday I freaked out about a car pulling up outside my house.

you shouldn't be living alone. maybe if you could live close to other family members or even muslim brothers, you wouldn't be so scared. fear is our worst enemy and is the cause of your anxiety and you need to figure out how to fix the situation. Once you feel safe, you will no longer get these sort of breakdowns.

Along with that an elderly family member, whom I am responsible for caring for has shown signs of losing their mental state, and rapidly. I don't know how I can be strong for them if I can't being strong for myself. I'm worried for them. I'm going to fail them.
On top of that, I feel very alone. In the past I've done things I regret. I don't know that people are judging me, but I feel like brothers who don't even know me know about my past, and I know that's paranoid. It's made me socially awkward lately and withdrawn. I know it's paranoia. I just can't shake it though.
With that, these last few weeks I've seen myself feeling a need to get married, but now is not the time of my life for that. There's no room. It's even unfair of me to feel that. I need someone with me, to help me battle. But I know that's not expected of a wife and I know that it's selfish of me and hate it because of that. I've started to be hit hard with seeds of sexual desire like never before that I am doing everything I can to supress. I know I could never rope someone into this, and I know I have too much emotional baggage for anyone to have to put up with.
Yesterday, at work, I broke down to the point I had to go somewhere quiet and just sit. My workmates know there's something up, but not what. Alhumdulilah they were tolerant of it.

I've never felt like I'm on such an emotional rollercoaster before.

I'm so sorry. I just needed somewhere to put down my honest feelings and what is going on anonymously.

insha-Allah once you've gotten your situation under control, you can work on getting married. I agree that you shouldn't get married until your other troubles are solved since it will wreck your marriage. you definately need to do something to protect yourself from these people who have gotten you worried. think of your fear and state of mind as a positive thing. if you didn't feel it, you might overlook something that may be extremely dangerous. so do contact the police regarding the stalker and do your best to protect yourself from that other person. get a place in a Muslim area where you can be around other muslim brothers so you won't feel alone and vulnerable.

 

[gladTidings]

Im just thinking, maybe...marriage will give you that emotional stability that you need and fulfil you in other ways. I dont know, but I dont think your problems are something you can prioritise in terms of trying to resolve them. We just dont have that sort of control over the problems that we face. However, we do have control over how we deal with these problems and really that is where our deen can take these problems away from us. Allah swt will take care of us if we take care in fulfilling our duty towards him, wholeheartedly. So, if an opportunity for marriage does arise I dont think you should completely put it off because of the problems you are facing.

Secondly, if you dont feel safe where you are currently living, is there no possibility to move?

Ws.

 

[anonymous]

JzkAllah for your replies.

-that girl that is bugging you, just ignore her. seriously, just literally ignore her. you have done what you need to do, now just ignore her. as-long as you keep giving her indications that you are interested, she is going to keep coming back. so just completely ignore. if you aren't giving indications, then what she is doing is bordering on stalking :hmm:

do you grow a beard? well, if you dont, do that as-well. im sure it will scare her off and if it doesn't, then she's insane.

I've started growing my beard recently. Alhumdililah.
I am going to take your advice and completely ignore her inshAllah.
But I just don't get how telling her to stop talking to me, and that I don't want anything to do with her (and she keeps following along) is giving her any indications. I've been so blunt about it.

-marriage...if you can provide for her, you are old enough and mature enough for marriage, get married.
as long as she isnt in danger in anyway or your circumstances aren't going to affect her in anyway, go for it. but i must emphasize, if it leaves her in any dangers, then yes, you should think twice or at-least pray istikhara.

To be honest, I am thinking twice and your advice backs up why.
No one deserves to be brought into something like this, at all. I have to face it alone, at least for now and it's very scary for me. But I couldn't expect anyone to come into my life at this time, it'd be selfish for me, regardless of how ready I am in other ways.
I feel like I would be endangering her, by her being connected to me if that person I mentioned does show up. I'm also scared that this person who is bordering stalking me will cause problems between me and my wife. It would bring a lot of questions about my past to her mind, and she may assume I did something to attract this girl, or that I've done anything with her.
I'm really feeling as though my life is such a mess right now, and I've lost a lot of potential for a family in the future. I'll need to be honest that I've been through this time, I'm scared someone would judge me or reassess how good I'd be as the head of a family.
This has been whirling in my head all day. Argh!
Alhumdililah. I know it's all a test.
I'm just scared I'm either failing or need real help.

-you know those tears that you speak of that you cant control and just pour without you realizing and for no app rent reason?-thats the time and the best key to make dua. so utilize it and pray from the bottom of your heart for Allah to help you. by Allah, when all doors are closed, know that there is always one opened. always.

JzkAllah for your lovely advice.

contact the police regarding this person as stalking can get dangerous. if she's harmless, hopefully a warning from police will stop her. Stop worrying about your character being defamed. if you haven't done anything wrong or don't want to do anything wrong, then Allah will protect you from that. Also, read Ayatulkursi at least 3 times morning and and evening to protect yourself from hard.

JzkAllah.
I needed to hear someone else to tell me to go to the police. I was scared they would think I'm going crazy. I know some workmates would vouch for me when I say she's always hanging around too.

you shouldn't be living alone. maybe if you could live close to other family members or even muslim brothers, you wouldn't be so scared. fear is our worst enemy and is the cause of your anxiety and you need to figure out how to fix the situation. Once you feel safe, you will no longer get these sort of breakdowns.

I'm not living alone normally. I'm living with my family.
My parents are not here at the moment, though (they go away a lot) and this was the worst possible time for this.
The other family member and I are the only ones home.
I know I need to find somewhere I feel safe inshAllah. Right now its not at home too.

Im just thinking, maybe...marriage will give you that emotional stability that you need and fulfil you in other ways. I dont know, but I dont think your problems are something you can prioritise in terms of trying to resolve them. We just dont have that sort of control over the problems that we face. However, we do have control over how we deal with these problems and really that is where our deen can take these problems away from us. Allah swt will take care of us if we take care in fulfilling our duty towards him, wholeheartedly. So, if an opportunity for marriage does arise I dont think you should completely put it off because of the problems you are facing.

JzkAllah for your advice.
I now think I should have left the marriage part out of my post. There are bigger problems right now and as I said before, no one deserves to be pulled into a situation of vulnerability with someone who can't even keep their head together and emotions at bay. I'm just worried for how long this will continue. I can't stay single forever. InshAllah this is something that can come later. I need to figure the rest of my life out first, and find myself in safety, and feeling at ease.

Secondly, if you dont feel safe where you are currently living, is there no possibility to move?

I generally do feel safe. At the moment, though, I don't.
I want to run away, but there's a lot of commitment and family things here.
I mentioned an elderly relative. I'm taking care of a sibling as well at the moment.
I'd have to find a new job, even though I love my current one.

It's something to think about, though. As it really could help me emotionally, and with safety.

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

JzkAllah for your replies.
I've started growing my beard recently. Alhumdililah.
I am going to take your advice and completely ignore her inshAllah.
But I just don't get how telling her to stop talking to me, and that I don't want anything to do with her (and she keeps following along) is giving her any indications. I've been so blunt about it.

well in that case, just do as i mentioned (literally ignoring her). dont even tell her why or give explanation. literally, just ignore her.

why does she do this btw?

 

[Alpha Dude]

May Allah make things easy for you, ameen.

Brother, regarding the girl, you're not being man enough. Sorry to be blunt but you're really not. Most males would not tolerate such behaviour. You're just being 'polite'. Stop doing that.

TELL her to leave, not ask nor explain anything. Become as RUDE and angry as you can to get her to leave you alone. No need to tip toe around the issue. Just plain ignore her if you have to.

As for the past and being paranoid, don't bother. We all have skeletons in the closet and NOBODY is perfect. Allah has created us to be sinful in nature. Why worry about what others would say? Who gives a crap? The only being who you should be afraid of when it comes to this is Allah. Everybody else, obviously we try to hide our sins, but no need to feel threatened of being 'exposed' to the extent that you feel paranoid. Even if you were thought of as being the most sinful person in the world by others, that would be THEIR problem and sin. Nothing for you to worry about.

I would actually advise marriage too bro. Also try to move yourself and your family to a safe place away from the person from your past, if possible.

Make plenty of dua for protection and relief from this hardship.

I don't agree with the calls to see a doc. Having an emotional breakdown due to stress is hardly a medical problem. It's a natural reaction to a harsh situation. This is a test from Allah. Try to find patience and courage and at the same time have tawakul/trust in Allah. I appreciate that this is a difficult attitude to adopt when the circumstance feel impossible - 'one step forward, million steps back' is something I've thought regarding my own problems countless times too - but this is the only true way to handle it. May dua that I can be true to this too please brother.