Other people will think bad of me?

[anonymous]

Salam

I pray you are all in the best of health and iman.

Now this is a somewhat trivial matter but its been nagging away at me for the last 48 hours..

On the weekend I took my family out (kids and their mother). We normally head to a local park and the kids head off with the mother and busy themselves in the children's play area. This leaves me wandering around like a spare part as the hustle and bustle of the often busy play area is not my cup of tea.

With this in mind I usually ask a friend to accompany me so when we reach the park we can go for a stroll while the kids are entertained by their mother.

Now I am very particular when it comes to issues concerning the hijab and the issue of gheerah more specifically. As such I ensure anyone who I take with me maintains the shar'i etiquette in this regard. As far as I'm concerned the friend I take has never interacted in a manner which can be seen as encroaching the boundary of inter mingling. In fact I can say with great confidence I trust him as I have spent several years in his company and I have never observed him doing anything that would make me question his intentions. Yes I may come across as overly protective but it's the way I am.

Now here comes the comes the point of my post... As I return home I park my car and my friend leaves the car with me. A neighbours sees me and looks at me in a disappointed manner. To say I was perplexed would be an under statement so I ask the neighbor what the issue is. He replies by saying I should be more careful taking strangers with the family. I explained the women are all dressed modestly and I assured him no interaction took place. I have SUV so my friend was at the front and the kids mum at the very back. This angered me as I am very careful as I've mentioned and without wishing to sound like I'm blowing my own trumpet this is the honest truth and Allah is my witness. So despite me explaining and clarifying my position the neighbour was still unimpressed. In the end he concluded that I may have maintained the Islamic boundaries but people will still think ill of me as that's the way they are.

Have I actually done anything wrong? If I have ensured there is no interaction should I still avoid taking my friend as some people with a village mentality they've imported from the sub con find it culturally inappropriate?

 

[Mandy]

Just to clarify, you are the kids father and your friend is a woman?
Is she related to you and are you mahram to her?

 

[*charisma*]

Walaikum Assalaam

Brother I don't think you could've done anything better. I don't see anything wrong with having your friend with you who doesn't interact with your family at all and is only there to spend time with you separate from where your family is. Also you are the guardian, so that is the whole point of you being present. Had your family traveled with this man alone it would be a different story. I can understand some people's judgments due to cultural reasons, but that is all they are. It isn't their business as long as you are not doing anything wrong. No one has any authority over your family except for you, and I'm sure no one will have gheerah over them better than you.

 

[anonymous]

The friend is a male family friend who I am very close to. His a bit of a lad but he has never acted immodestly in the slightest in the presence of my female family members. I just felt the approach very patronising as tho I'm so naive to let any Tom Dick and Harry come with me. Especially when I have a lot of respect for the person voicing his opinion. I made it clear I fully understand where he might be coming from but despite me insisting I am fully aware what the rulings are and they by far supersede what some jaahil uncle are aunty might think. Especially when they don't exactly adhere to any visible form of gheerah as in they womenfolk openly laugh and giggle with non mahram.


Now wallahi I am not being judgemental but merely factual here. The neighbour said others may find it inappropriate. Now the "others" that he possibly could be referring to are other neighbours or folk who may have seen me. I can say with a lot confidence that these people have no room to talk as they openly inter mingle with non mahram so it would be hypocritical of them to have a problem.

Anyway I'm sorry if I sound like I'm making a mountain out of a molehill but I just wanted a second neutral opinion. It's a pity we're busy focusing on non issues when the ummah is being butchered. I can only pray that Allah purifies our minds and souls. Allah allow us to live in peace and harmony.

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

Assalamu Alaikum,

My brother I have to agree with the neighbor in this regard although he could have approached the matter more sensitively. I think the point here is not that we make something minor into a mountain but believe me when I say that shaythan only needs a very small hole in any matter to begin chipping away and gradually that small hole will turn into a very big one until destruction. My brother even the most pious of people in the past and present fall to the tricks of shaythan so none of us are safe. None of us can say that we are safe from the tricks of shaythan because there are countless examples of people falling into destruction due to letting their guard down.

This is the reason why Islamic principles are about "prevention being better than the cure". Rather than to treat the matter until it is too late. In this regard even though you are the Mahram however my naseeha (advice) to you is that it is unnecessary for your non Mahram friend no matter how good you think he is characteristically to accompany you along with your wife in the car even though there may not be any direct interaction but we must remember that shaythan is the most patient out of us and he only needs a very small opening to begin chipping away at any weaknesses. Therefore it is far better to avoid taking your friend in the car with you when your wife or any other female family member is there in future.

Jazakallahu Khayran for sharing your issues so that you may benefit from naseeha.

 

[Mandy]

As the person asking the question is mahram to his wife (and daughters if he has any), I would have assumed it was alright to have a male friend with him with his family. Sending that friend alone with his family would not have been acceptable.

As long as his wife and daughters follow hijab, that he is present, I would imagine this was alright.
After all, he and only him has authority over his family. With him being there to be watchful, even when the kids are enjoying themselves and playing, sounds like he is being a great father and cares a lot for his family.

 

[anonymous]

Jazakallah brother hamza. My point is the neighbor is not taking issue with me from an Islamic perspective but from a people will think its inappropriate from a cultural viewpoint. Also the issue appears to be with the person as he even said I should have taken a different individual who also happens to ghair mahram...

I agree with your point re being ultra cautious as without doubt the shaytan takes a second to pounce. However I feel that there is more fitna walking in a shopping mall or using public transport. The individual I took is not perfect but he has not displayed any signs that would warrant me to doubt his character in the context of my neighbours concerns. After all we can only judge on the apparent and ensure full hijab is observed. We can't lock our women in a cave for fear of fitna that doubtless exists.

I wholeheartedly agree we should take all steps possible to eliminate any situation that could potentially lead to fitna.

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

I do agree that we must differentiate between culture and Deen and those aspects of culture which are contrary to matters of Deen must be shunned.

I do however think there is difference between passions and desires being ignited outside of the home and those ignited closer to home. Both are of course as dangerous as one another but when it comes to closer to home then there are stricter warnings like for example the brother in law being described as "death" for one's wife and harsh warnings about having inappropriate relations with neighbours. On top of that there are those who develop sexual diseases within the heart which may develop into them committing vile and treacherous abominations such as that of a dayooth. These may sound like extreme examples but it is common within our communities particularly in the highly sexualised age we live in with open and free access to filthy material online and a lack of gheerah of our women.

However there is also a certain hypocrisy by many men who have extreme gheerah of their women but they themselves commit many treacherous acts of faahishah. So we must hold the same standards for ourselves as much as we have gheerah for our women. That is not to say that we should go too extreme like keep our women locked up but the point is to use precautionary measures and prevention as much as is reasonably possible rather than having to deal with the aftermath of any issues that may develop out of being too laxe and negligent in such matters.

The story of Barsisa is a stark reminder with regards to the tricks of shaythan which even the most pious and devoted are not safe from:

 

[Ahmed.]

Walaikum Assalaam

I think having a friend in same car as your wife is having a non mahram too close to your wife. If it was a very important neccessity, like taking a cab somewhere and driver is non mahram then that's sort of unavoidable , but you really don't have to have a friend walking in the park with you do you , well at least not at the expense of treating your wife to close proximity with non mahram

And your neighbour is right, if I remember correctly, there is a hadith that says 'avoid what causes suspicion', so it is important that people don't get suspicious that you are compromising your wife's modesty

 

[anonymous]

If am being honest I think this is a more case of holding a personal grudge against my friend relating to a non issue that happened Decades ago. I spoke to my neighbour since the outburst and its nothing to do with the Islamic ruling as he suggested I take an alternative friend...

 

['Abdullah]

The friend is a male family friend who I am very close to. His a bit of a lad but he has never acted immodestly in the slightest in the presence of my female family members. I just felt the approach very patronising as tho I'm so naive to let any Tom Dick and Harry come with me. Especially when I have a lot of respect for the person voicing his opinion. I made it clear I fully understand where he might be coming from but despite me insisting I am fully aware what the rulings are and they by far supersede what some jaahil uncle are aunty might think. Especially when they don't exactly adhere to any visible form of gheerah as in they womenfolk openly laugh and giggle with non mahram.


Now wallahi I am not being judgemental but merely factual here. The neighbour said others may find it inappropriate. Now the "others" that he possibly could be referring to are other neighbours or folk who may have seen me. I can say with a lot confidence that these people have no room to talk as they openly inter mingle with non mahram so it would be hypocritical of them to have a problem.

Anyway I'm sorry if I sound like I'm making a mountain out of a molehill but I just wanted a second neutral opinion. It's a pity we're busy focusing on non issues when the ummah is being butchered. I can only pray that Allah purifies our minds and souls. Allah allow us to live in peace and harmony.

Is your friend married? Why don't you and your friend meet at park and both bring their families in their own cars?