anonymous
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I've posted here regarding marriage before.
I'm posting again because I really need your advice. I feel so distressed regarding this.
I want to marry a brother. I've known him for a long time and I know that he's a good brother. I am 26 years old and I really want to be married now but my parents are making things very difficult for me.
Initially, I did not want to tell my parents about him because I know my parents nature. This way of proposing isn't seem as correct in our culture and my family believes very much in cousin marriages, as my parents are cousins themselves and both my siblings are married to cousins too. The logic behind it is that a cousin e.g. A nephew has grown up in front of their eyes, they know his nature etc and they know that he wouldn't do our daughter wrong. They tried to force me into a marriage a year ago but I refused.
Anywho, my plan was to let the brother go hang out at the same mosque that my dad goes and let him get to know him and let the proposal come through the mosque. However, my family found out about the brother that we both knew each other. Anyway, I convinced my family to give him a chance. I explained how we both knew each other and that we had an understanding about how we'd like to live our lives especially since I want to further my education and he was willing to compromise. My family has met him and I have met his family too.
However, because of this whole cousin marriage mentality my family believe in this thing called the background check. It involves finding out about the guy from relatives, neighbours and friends to say that he's good etc. Because marrying a cousin can guarantee that the marriage won't fail somehow. However, this brother lives in another city, and so this is a bit difficult. However despite this, the brother did provide references for my parents to talk to and it turns out that the references aren't genuine because they're given by him. I just do not understand all this talking to references to guarantee that the guy is good. If he isn't my cousin and not born into my family, he doesn't have the right to marry me because no one can guarantee his character? Because he didn't grow up in front of my parents eyes. Because his parents aren't my parents siblings? It's nonsense.
The other issue they seem to have is the finances as he's still studying. He is in his final year of engineering which means that at the end he'll have a job. He's a hard working guy, he's been working since sixteen. However, my parents keep taking a dig at his degree, how it may not be genuine and how he's not on my level because I'm highly educated. My parents also fear that I may end working and providing while he may just laze around.
Based on all this my parents want me to marry a cousin from back home. Even though I've told them that I'll have to work a year to support him and we won't have a decent life. As I'm already old I'd like to start a family soon. I can't be working to support a guy until he settles for another five year or so.
I just think my parents are being so unreasonable and so unfair and unnecessarily delaying nikkah and instead of making the halal easier for me, making everything so incredibly difficult.
I cry everyday and feel so depressed. My entire personality has changed because of this. I'm beginning to hate everything and everyone around me.
I've had so many conversations with my parents and so many have ended in fights. Me and this brother have tried so hard to convince my parents as I do not want to marry anyone without their blessings and happiness. My life has turned so sour. There's no happiness anywhere.
All I want is parents happiness and approval.
I'm posting again because I really need your advice. I feel so distressed regarding this.
I want to marry a brother. I've known him for a long time and I know that he's a good brother. I am 26 years old and I really want to be married now but my parents are making things very difficult for me.
Initially, I did not want to tell my parents about him because I know my parents nature. This way of proposing isn't seem as correct in our culture and my family believes very much in cousin marriages, as my parents are cousins themselves and both my siblings are married to cousins too. The logic behind it is that a cousin e.g. A nephew has grown up in front of their eyes, they know his nature etc and they know that he wouldn't do our daughter wrong. They tried to force me into a marriage a year ago but I refused.
Anywho, my plan was to let the brother go hang out at the same mosque that my dad goes and let him get to know him and let the proposal come through the mosque. However, my family found out about the brother that we both knew each other. Anyway, I convinced my family to give him a chance. I explained how we both knew each other and that we had an understanding about how we'd like to live our lives especially since I want to further my education and he was willing to compromise. My family has met him and I have met his family too.
However, because of this whole cousin marriage mentality my family believe in this thing called the background check. It involves finding out about the guy from relatives, neighbours and friends to say that he's good etc. Because marrying a cousin can guarantee that the marriage won't fail somehow. However, this brother lives in another city, and so this is a bit difficult. However despite this, the brother did provide references for my parents to talk to and it turns out that the references aren't genuine because they're given by him. I just do not understand all this talking to references to guarantee that the guy is good. If he isn't my cousin and not born into my family, he doesn't have the right to marry me because no one can guarantee his character? Because he didn't grow up in front of my parents eyes. Because his parents aren't my parents siblings? It's nonsense.
The other issue they seem to have is the finances as he's still studying. He is in his final year of engineering which means that at the end he'll have a job. He's a hard working guy, he's been working since sixteen. However, my parents keep taking a dig at his degree, how it may not be genuine and how he's not on my level because I'm highly educated. My parents also fear that I may end working and providing while he may just laze around.
Based on all this my parents want me to marry a cousin from back home. Even though I've told them that I'll have to work a year to support him and we won't have a decent life. As I'm already old I'd like to start a family soon. I can't be working to support a guy until he settles for another five year or so.
I just think my parents are being so unreasonable and so unfair and unnecessarily delaying nikkah and instead of making the halal easier for me, making everything so incredibly difficult.
I cry everyday and feel so depressed. My entire personality has changed because of this. I'm beginning to hate everything and everyone around me.
I've had so many conversations with my parents and so many have ended in fights. Me and this brother have tried so hard to convince my parents as I do not want to marry anyone without their blessings and happiness. My life has turned so sour. There's no happiness anywhere.
All I want is parents happiness and approval.