personal crisis...seek your advice

[daffodil12]

Assalamoalikum

I am going through a personal crisis. The situation that I am in involves my younger sister. We are currently studying together in a program that we decided to pursue together after finishing our studies in our native country. Hence why we are in the same class.

My sister and I have very different personalities. She has always been dominant and authratative while I consider ] myself to be a bit more mellow. Because of this difference in personalities people have always favoured her over me and she is often mistaken for being older. She has received the same treatment at home as well which always made me feel bad about myself and caused me to suffer from an inferiority complex.

I constantly find myself comparing to her making sure I achieve more than her. This is especially the case with our studies. Alhamdolilah I have been blessed with good results in my academic career so far but I always feel the need to be ahead of her to the extent that I was actually even sad a few times when she did better than me. I consider myself studious and have always loved learning and have been intrinsically motivated to achieve the best as well. Without that, I wouldn't be able to do as well as I have. She on the other hand hasn't achieved so much in term of academics even though she is quite smart. But she doesn't compare herself to me or to anybody else for that matter. She is so stable and secure masAllah that she is not affected by what others do which is admittedly her admirable quality. She says she prays for my sucesa and is genuinely happy by my success. I wish good for her as well and wish for her to be successful but I feel that she shouldn't achieve more than me academically at least. It would be embarrassing for me if she did since she is younger than me.

Due to her authoratitive nature she has taken charge of all practical aspects of our lifer here from managing the finances to overlooking the servants who work for us. When it comes to matters outside of academics people always seek her opinion instead of mine. So I feel that by excelling academically I can make a place for myself and boost my low self esteem.

The reason I am penning down this post is because of something that recently happened between us. We haven tutorial classes where we hold discussions. My sister has been leading these discussions by raising questions all the time. She is so confident that she doesn't feel shy in asking any questions. So on this one particular time while we were having the class I got mad at her and told her that she should give others a chance to participate as well. That evening after coming home we had a heated argument which ended on a very bad note. She accused me of being jealous of her and doing hasad from her. She said that she I am hindering her from success and that I am her enemy and not her sister. She hasn't said a word to me since that day.

I feel utterly shattered. I want her to be successful but fear that she shouldn't achieve more than I do. I can't help my feelings towards her because of the particular factors I have described above. I have sincerely sought forgiveness for any injustices I might have caused her but I still don't feel at peace. It seems that we have reached a point of no return. Our relationship was already strained because of the frequent quarrels we have owing to our differing opinions on everything. And after this recent argumemt I feel there is no hope. I am depressed and lost. I feel like packing up and going home but my parents have high expectations of me and they would hate to see me fail. I have lost focus in my studies and have been unable to sleep properly for so many days because of the stress. If things continue like this I am afraid I won't be able to go on much longer. Please advise me on what to do. I can't help thinking that I am being punished for my sins.

JazakAllah for reading the long post.

 

[Muslim Woman]

:wa:

sis , Allah created us with different personalities . He blessed u in different way than He blessed your sis and others . U don't have to compete with her or anyone . Just try to do your best and always pray to Allah to grant what is best for this world and hereafter.

Don't expect praise / appreciation from human being , rather keep focus on the deeds Allah is / will be pleased . Don't miss any salat , recite Quran daily .

Explain to your sis that you are not jealous of her at all . U are and will always be her well wisher . Allah will be happy with u if u talk to her first and try to ease the situation .


Wish you all the best.

 

[ardianto]

Wa'alaikumsalam.

Me : "People always mistaken me as your younger brother. Good, it's means I am look younger than you".
He : "No!. It's because I am more mature than you!"
Me :

My younger brother is only 13 months younger than me, and people say our face look similar. This is why his friends could guess that I am his brother. However, they always ask me "Are you xxxxx younger brother?". Frankly, no one of them who ask me "Are you xxxxx older brother?". Maybe it because he looks more mature than me. And in fact, indeed, he is more dominant, and more authoritative than me. That's what some people say about us.

In academic matter my brother was better than me. He studied in state university, while I failed to enter state university and went to private university. He studied in two universities, while I just one.

But I never regard it as problem.

My younger brother is better than me in some matter. But I am better than him in other matter. It's according to people too. In facing challenge I am better than him. People say I bolder than him, and people see me as a man who never surrender in facing difficulties in life. A nature which my brother is not as good as me.

Back to your case, sister daffodil12. Your younger sister is better than you in some matters. But how about in other matters?. I am sure, in some other matters you are better than her. So, why must you jealous on her?.

Then what's the problem if your sister more successful than you?. In early of 2000's I faced financial problem while my brother was success in business. But my brother did not look down on me, and sometime he helped me in financial matter although I did not ask for it. In the last few years his business is not so good, while me, Alhamdulillah. So, I help him in financial matter. Yes, sibling must help each other.

Okay, sister. Does your sibling look down on you?. If not, then what is your problem?.

 

[MuslimInshallah]

Wa alaikum assalaam daffodil,


(gently) Yes, you are suffering. Allah Tells us repeatedly in the Qur'an that we wrong ourselves...and this is the Truth. And because I feel that you are suffering, I feel a desire to reach out and hug you, and try to help you feel better.


But (gently), you know, you do sound jealous to me. You say that you want your sister to be successful... but not if that means that she will do better academically than you. You mention that you think that people seek her out more than you… and this bothers you. Even when you are describing the two of you, you are comparing and contrasting. Does this not sound like jealousy?


To be honest, jealousy between siblings is not uncommon. (smile) It has been with us since the earliest generation born on this earth. (sigh) And it is not helped by parents who compare and contrast their children, often as a form of control.


(Gently) But to take the example of Qabil and Habil, do you really want to suffer like Qabil, bearing this burden of jealousy?


Ask yourself, my dear: if you were to decide not to define yourself according to who your sister is…who are you? Try to let go of her. Pray in the early hours of the day, in the quiet time before fajr. When you are in sujoud, ask Allah to Help you know who you are. Walk through places where there are many plants, if you can (a park, a meadow, a forest, an oasis...). If you can, where you are, fill your eyes with stars. Let the wind blow over you and watch the clouds chasing across the sky. Let the sound of water wash over you. Fill yourself with the beauty and peace of the natural world. These ayatAllah are very cleansing and help clear the inner heart of the blemishes and distractions of this world.


And in all these times, ask yourself: who am I? What do I like to do? What are the Gifts that Allah has Given me? What would I like to do with my life?


(smile) Allah has Gifted us all with different patterns of Gifts. Our strengths and our weaknesses are often two sides of the same coin. That is, when well applied, our innate characteristics can be a force of goodness and growth. But when inappropriately applied, they can cause us (and those around us) inner pain and destruction.


From what I can read of you, you are Blessed with intellectual capacities. You also have great focus and determination. You are tenacious. (smile) These are all very useful qualities, when appropriately applied. But right now, you are using these great Gifts in a way that is harming you and hurting your relationship with your sister. (gently) And you are causing her pain, too, I suspect. You said I have sincerely sought forgiveness for any injustices I might have caused her but I still don't feel at peace. You know, the fact that you put the word “might” in, speaks volumes. How can you sincerely seek forgiveness for something that you are not truly accepting that you have done? (gently) Is it any wonder that you cannot find peace?


(gently) My dear, let go of all your pain and jealousy. She has leadership qualities? Ok, that is part of her pattern of Gifts, perhaps. Think about her qualities one last time... and let them go. (smile) Imagine kissing each quality she has, lovingly, in your hands, and then blowing them away (smile. In fact, why not actually go through the motions...?). They are hers. Not yours.


Now… what are yours? Write down what you think your qualities may be. If you find negative words coming up, see if you can't find a positive aspect to that quality. For instance, instead of saying: obsessing about my sister. You could say: focussing on my sister. And focus can be a very useful quality, can't it? If you were to focus on discovering a new way of treating a disease, or building a tool, or growing agricultural produce... this would be an excellent use of your quality to focus on something, don't you think?


Jealousy implies a certain amount of observation of detail and analysis. Useful in science or medicine or art... right? (laugh) Actually, all these qualities are useful in raising happy, healthy children, too!


My dear, you have a great potential to do a lot of good in this world. Allah Created you. He has Given you the potential to be very beautiful... so what can you do to show your gratitude to Him? (smile) I don't know. But if you think quietly and prayerfully, deep down, you know.


(smile) And once you can see yourself, and love that which is unique and precious in you, perhaps you can truly love your sister and heal the hurt you have (at least in part) caused?


May Allah, the Subduer, Help you to overcome the whispers that torment you, so that you may blossom and grow in ways pleasing to Him.

 

[Alpha Dude]

Wa alaykum salam,

I think you need to let the jealous feelings go. She is your sister, be proud of her. May Allah make things easy. Aameen.

 

[M.I.A.]

As long as you are bettered fairly I don't think you should have a problem with it.

Is it a prime example of how Allah swt grants authority or simply sibling rivalry?

Either way, grow as a person.. And do not become hateful or conceited about it..

Its probably not the role you would want to play on her life.

 

[Abdullahh]

You think she is superior to you, that's the problem. Stop comparing yourself to others. There's only one of you. Embrace your uniqueness my sister.

 

[greenhill]

The problem I see here is that the 'milk has already spilled'. The damage is done. How to make amends?

Without getting to the crux of the matter it will keep recurring. It seems your sister is 'wanted' and people seek her out. You don't get the same treatment. She assumes control, you allow it to happen. She gets the 'attention' you don't....and it seems that you now want that part as well.

This is very common for the growing up period of life. Someone always appears to have the magic formula and is popular whilst others just dream on. Many people resort to changing themselves so as to be part of the group and they assimilate behaviour. Eventually they lose themselves and become even more of a mess (having gained nothing because people quickly realise that these people are fakes).

The funny thing was that I only realised the practicality of firmly working on your own goals and not be looking over your shoulder on your 'nemesis' when I started playing golf over ten years ago.

Play to your game. What others do is of no consequence to your actions. If he hits well don't put the pressure on yourself to better the shot. Most likely it won't happen and you'll put yourself in trouble. Let him play his game, and you play yours. At the end of the game, how did you perform in comparison to the target you set? What made it happen or what got in the way? The fact that others rush over to the other guy asking for tips and advise is not the goal. It strokes the ego, yes, but not the objective.

The more you compare, the more inadequate you feel, and it is a downward spiral from there.

Let go of the pride and hurt, go apologise and then be yourself as what MuslimInshallah has suggested..


eace: