please help - am i really in the wrong???

[anonymous]

Salam

Hope your all well!!

Anyway I'm in bit of a horrible place at the moment and would like to know the opinion of others in this regard.

Will endeavour to keep it as brief as possible so please hear me out as any constructive feedback is welcome.
Basically i've been married several years but I constantly find myself having to resort to physically restraining my mrs..... before the women rights board jump on me i know this is something that is simply not on but agin I plead for you to just listen.

Few days ago there was a social gathering that coincided with a class my child attends. My mrs and her family had planned to go to this event and I did whatever I could to ensure the event would run smoothly. From taking her to get her eyebrows done (I know this is not exactly jaiz but thats's another story..) to picking up other items for the event. Basically I did everything in whatever limited capacity to ensure they had a nice time and I say that as Allah as my witness even though my Mrs likes to believe otherwise.

SO the big day arrived and my son was reluctant to go as he didn't want to miss his Islamic class. In an ideal world I would not like him missing class but I made an exception on this occasion. His mum was out when he first voiced his reluctance to go to the event but I tried my best to make him go but he was having none of it. The clock ticked by and the mother got back half an hour before the event. Now the son is still stubborn to not go despite other family members encouraging him to go. I even took him to the class and spoke to his teacher who even said personally to my child to go but still wanted to attend class. Your all thinking well what's the problem and rightly so .

This is the problem.... the mother resorts to physically hitting him. Now again I don't encourage this at all but I tolerated it the first time as she had made arrangements for him to attend this grand event so i could understand her frustration to a degree....
the problem is she carried on despite my son making it clear he wanted to go to the class. Now this was happening with other members of my family present. She must have hit him at least 5 times and said some vile things amongst this. Now what am i supposed to do in this situation.. well i thought enough is enough and told her to stop it if wants to go to class fine . It's not yaum ul qiyaamah gal if he misses a social event..

At this point she turns on me accusing me of ruining her life

So she finally goes to the event without my son and sends me a barrage of texts teling me I'm a bad person. Hilarious if it wasn't so serious. And before anyone asks she is mentally sound but I do fear she may be victim of sihr given her behavior.

Anyway child got back from class and again I and other family members finally manage to convince him to go. And he finally agreed ;D

So i thought I'd take him down he'd not really missed anything at this point. So i took him to the event and hoped this will have calmed the mrs down. But no she continued with the nasty messages despite as far as I'm concerned this being none of my fault.


The bigger issue here is she has a paranoia that I am intent to ruin any event she attends. even if it means me ensuring she covers her head as was the case in the past.


So this spilled over to the next day where she continued making rotten remarks at which point I had to put my hand on her mouth as her tongue runs loose like a stray dog for want of a better phrase.


So as you can see there's many issues here. Of course there will be weaknesses at my end too. We're all human and make mistakes and most of us are big enough to admit to this. The problem I have is she simply never admits to her own part in creating this disharmony between us. Am i asking for too much from her to just behave like a grown up and stop wallowing in self pity. Allah is my witness that from day 1 all i have wanted is for us to live in peace but this shouldn't mean we can not correct one another. Unfortunately she takes this personally rather than accepting that as a husband i want my wife to embody the traits of the believing women.


I just feel I had to get this off my chest as I the notion of having a constructive conversation with the mrs is something i can only keep praying for.


jazakallah and your feedback will be appreciated

 

[*charisma*]

Assalamu Alaikum

Welcome to the world of women

This is why it is vital for muslim men and women to marry someone who is practicing and who can take constructive criticism when it comes to improving the deen.

Anyways, back to the situation at hand. I know you're not in agreement with her hitting your child, but to be honest, your son should have obliged to what his mother wanted and if there was a disagreement between the both of you, it should have been discussed in private instead of arguing in front of your son. The bigger issue of it though is that your wife preferred that your son go to the event and miss his islamic studies when it seems that he loves his islamic studies. It's shocking to me that if he is attached to it so much she would prefer to miss out on the rewards. You also both need to agree in regards to how you want to raise/discipline your child, and then furthermore relate that to your son so he knows to listen to his mother at this age and understand the consequences of not doing so. If you both continue to disagree then when your son gets older, he will learn how to take advantage of you. When it comes to your wife's attitude and piety, you have to sit with her and make clear what you expect from her as your wife but you also have to be an example to her. There seems to be a power-struggle between you both and it should not be that way.

 

[anonymous]

i think power struggle might a bit too strong a term in fairnes. She wants the best for him in terms of deen probably moreso than me. I too really wanted him to attend the event as I appreciated the importance of the achivement of her sister. However, the fact that she continually hit the child despite him having said no was just an act of complete and utter ignorance. Don't get me wrong only last week i hit my child after he had sworn and thrown an item across the room. Of course I accept this isn't the way to discipline children but sometimes at the heat of th emoment you might. The fact she continued was most annoying because i just found it totally over the top. And when i tried stopping her she turned on me:hiding::hiding::hiding:

 

[*charisma*]

i think power struggle might a bit too strong a term in fairnes. She wants the best for him in terms of deen probably moreso than me. I too really wanted him to attend the event as I appreciated the importance of the achivement of her sister. However, the fact that she continually hit the child despite him having said no was just an act of complete and utter ignorance. Don't get me wrong only last week i hit my child after he had sworn and thrown an item across the room. Of course I accept this isn't the way to discipline children but sometimes at the heat of th emoment you might. The fact she continued was most annoying because i just found it totally over the top. And when i tried stopping her she turned on me:hiding::hiding::hiding:

Sorry I didn't know what the event was, I thought it was some sort of party or something. I think she may have felt belittled in front of your son and so she lashed out on you for not allowing her to discipline him the way she wants. Maybe this wasn't the first time he's refused his mother's orders, and because she really wanted him to go to the event there was no room for disagreement. Since you didn't care as much as she did in regards to him refusing, the way she disciplined him may have seemed out of order to you and over the top, but you can't really judge her that way since she was angry in the moment (just as you get too) and it may have further built up from previous times of him refusing to listen to her. I hope I'm making some sense here? lol You further undermine her authority towards her son when you intervene.

In general though, maybe it's time to find other, more effective ways to discipline your child that you both can agree on. That way it won't cause further problems in your relationship as well.

 

[aaj]

:wasalam:

You should sit down with your child and teach him about being obedient to parents and listening to them. Islamic education is important but it is not like she was taking him out of islamic class all together and if the teacher allowed the absence then you should be acceptable. Praise your child for his commitment to going to Islamic class but at the same time also emphasize the importance of listening to parents. Also, if this is something that happens often (him having his way) then that too should be addressed as well, otherwise good luck trying to contain him from doing whatever he pleases as a teenager.

More importantly, you should sit your wife down and have a talk with her. Discuss how you will discipline and raise your kids, discuss how you will discuss matters (if need be) before making a decision so incidents like your son getting two different answers doesn't happen. But more importantly, you should discuss the islamic adab of communicating with each other and how unacceptable it is for her to have such a loose mouth. Women are emotional creatures and do say a lot and we should be patient for the most part but there is still a limit and a line that she should be aware of not to cross. Not only is she showing disrespect to amir of the house whom Allah has given authority over her but also such behavior will lead to resentment and hostility towards each other and breaking down of marriage. Maybe go to marriage counseling or marriage improvement seminars if you are unable to get through to her.

 

[Scimitar]

I think I know why I am not married... if I had a wife that gave back chat like that, I would just walk away and not come back for like 3 days.

SubhanAllah.

Dear bro, you're a bigger and better man than me, I can't advise you - you have a better heart for these matters than I.

May Allah heal for you, your problems with the missus, Ameen.

Scimi