Please help me with my thoughts

[Studentofdeed]

I am frustrated because my beard that I grew out, my mother forced me to trim it. They emotionally and religiously blackmailed me into trimming it. My beard is small but now I regret it. I am trying but I am not perfect. My family frustrate me and now they rub it in my face because I fought with them to go to the mosque, except people in the mosque are racist and humiliate me. I used to respect the Imam and thought this man must be a religious guy, and a religious guy would be close to Allah. Pleasing a man of god, you would be pleasing Allah. Yet he took advantage me of me and ridiculed me. He refuses to acknowledge the issue of racism and insists that its in my head despite numerous people complaining about it. I want to attend the mosque but I really do not want to deal with these people. If I stop going, will Allah be angry with me or will understand because of the fitna?

I feel so far away from Allah. I have forgiven my enemies and everyone in my life, yet at times the pain becomes really detrimental that I cannot focus on anything. I have to keep continusly try to repel the thoughts of anger and seek refuge. Because I get angry still and end up crying, does this mean my forgiveness will not be accepted by Allah?

My family also abused me, I have no ill feelings toward them. But when they do double standards, I get angry. Does this mean I did not forgive them because I refuse to play along wit their drama and fake friendlyness?

I wished I did not trim my beard, but my family know I have low self esteem and want to get married, and they say like No girl is want to marry you, you look like a terroist, you look really ugly with a beard. I feel absolutely miserable.

Another thing I feel guilty about is, I have been cutting off from lots of friends. A friend I have been friends with and Alhamdullah has been nice, he is of low income which does not bother me, but what bothers me are the slight comments of , your rich, and all that nonsense. It makes me feel awkward that he is eyeing my belongings. Alhamdullah I am grateful for Allah's blessings, but he is annoying me. Many times I have taken him out to lunch and he asks me for money one time. I said No, because I was annoyed that he never had to the decency to contact me other than to ask for money. He is now making an effort asking how I am doing after I told him he does not contact me, but I still do not feel comfortable as he is bit loud and feel uncomfortable around him, as often get those you are rich comments. I also feel we have different personalities and I have changed alot now. As I have higher expectations for friendships in order not to get hurt or used again. Should I feel guilty or am I bad for cutting it off with him?

I felt like Allah loved me, I so desperately wish for his love, his friendship, but i do not feel adequate.

 

[Al-Ansariyah]

Assalamualaikum
Okay. This is serious. Please read carefully.I was actually in the mood of preaching so it came out to be so long input. I am sorry.
The person who is going through the test doesn't see the blessings coming his way often. Same way, you are blinded by your problems and as we people aren't in this scenario,we can see a lot of blessings in this. So please just now, think with a sound mind and throw out the problems from your head for a moment.
You said you trimmed the beard and now you regret it. Well.. it's actually a sign of faith that you are regretting after doing something wrong. So the only option you've left is repentance.
Next ,you are worried about the dishonor you are getting at mosque. You said 'pleasing the man of god will please Allah". I guess it got flipped. It should rather be " If you focus on pleasing Allah, then creation will be pleased with you." You should actually be happy for the disrespect you getting,you know. As far as i know, you have come to the correct path ryt? So if you are facing tests and humiliations, then it's a sign you are on the path of righteousness. This is why i love humiliations. It actually symbolises the path of truth. Prophet himself was dishonored a lot of times, did he give up? He was even abused physically and emotionally when he would go to place of prayer, you tell me did he give up? Why don't you wanna go to mosque then? You know there's a sunnah of prophet which is known as husn-e-sulookh. It means no matter how harshly people treat you, you treat them kindly. Very few people know this and act upon it. I hope you are one of them.
Then you are concerned about forgiving people. Did the prophet ever cry for the humiliations he got? Well... If you find it hard, may be try my method. When people hurt you , just complain to Allah and cry to Him. After complaining about everything, just tell Allah that you have forgiven them and then ask for forgiveness of them too. Also bear Allah as a witness that you have ACTUALLY forgiven them. There's no way afterwards you can complain to Allah or be angry at people. What is the reward of goodness except for goodness? And don't make dua against them.
Well..family can be irritating sometimes, i absolutely agree. And i guess, you don't have anyone practicing in your family, that's why you feel alone and think about marriage. That sounds familiar. I too used to think that i need a companion and at times i was so much obsessed with that thought. But Alhamdulillah, it's over now. What helped was realizing that the spouse will never listen to my problems attentively, no matter how gud he is, at last he will get irritated just like other people. You can try this method may be. Marriage is the last thing on my mind now. When we understand the love between us and Allah, we don't need any other love. Even i am not at that level. This is so hard actually but if you keep trying you'll surely understand.
I think you are offending your friend by not talking to him. Don't make him feel like you are ignoring him. That will make things worse. Again that sunnah is needed here which i mentioned above. Allah is already your friend. Only you aren't able to see it. He is always waiting to listen to you.
Lastly, When you have actually said 'la ilaha il Allah' that means:
• You have considered the Creator your ilaha, try to understand the word 'ilaha', it's a very very very important word.
• You have given up your right of choice. Now you can't do things for your benefit or with your own wish. You have to obey your ilaha. He is your king. Just like when a master wakes up a slave at 3am, he has to get up. Same way you have to obey Him.
• Next thing, you have believed in "We hear and we obey". Now show that in actions. Do whatever Allah wishes without any objections.
• and you can't obey, love , fear ,trust anyone else as you have to do with Allah.
• and you are His slave. You can't in anyway object anything whether He gives you or not. You have to be humbled in front of Lord of the worlds. Act like an actual slave.
Again sorry for this long input.
May Allah make you firm on His deen and increase your imaan.ameen

 

[Studentofdeed]

Jazakallah Khayran sister. May Allah bless you in both words. I will follow your advice

 

[Eric H]

Greetings and peace be with you medico;

You said 'pleasing the man of god will please Allah". I guess it got flipped. It should rather be " If you focus on pleasing Allah, then creation will be pleased with you."

Thanks for your sharing, you put a lot of thought into your response.

Blessings
Eric