Please help Sticky situation!!!!!! Jazakallah

[aamirsaab]

The original poster asked for advice - not a debate!
Stop messing around.

 

[UmmSqueakster]

as i said for ur marriage to be valid u only need 2 adult witnesses.
They can be from ur family or from spouse's family or ur friends or ur neighbours or anyone.

so ur marriage is valid. U don't need to tell anyone else. so don't feel compelled to tell his other wife. Just relax. There's no urgency to inform her.

I;ll try & post evidence from Quran & Ahadees. InshAllah.

The need for publicity (ishhar) is seperate from the need for two witnesses.

http://www.islamonline.net/servlet/...h-Ask_Scholar/FatwaE/FatwaE&cid=1119503545764




And on a non scholarly note - think about the increadible disrespect this man has shown to his first wife. If he can do this to her, he can do this to you. How will you feel when you find out about secret wife #3?

And is he treating you fairly? Seriously, do you want him standing before Allah (swt) on the day of Judgment being questioned about his fairness between his wives?

 

[rahma85]

Can I just clarify a couple of things:

1) Was your husband married when you met him?

2) Is his wife aware that the man has a second wife i.e you ( No I bet)

:uuh::uuh:

3) How old is your husband and is he looking for a third wife? LOLOLOLOLOLOL am messin, but sis how old is he?

Sounds like he is keeping you as his 'dirty little secret'

1) Yes sis he was married when I met him.... but sometimes your heart takes over your mind & I guess in my situation I thought it would be easy...:hmm:

2) Yes you are right his wife is not aware that I even EXIST :hiding:

3) He is 28... & I hope he isnt lookin 4 a 3rd wife!!!!!

At times I do feel as If he has the upper hand because he knows I am scared of him leaving me...& I do feel like Im his dirty little secret but when hes in front of me I cant see past him, his smile & tellin me everythings gonna be orite & that I will get used to it!!!!

 

[adeeb]

your marriage is valid and nothing to be worried about that.

secondly, just enjoy your marriage coz you deserve it..it's ure marriage and not other's marriage...

be grateful to Allah, and pray to Him and ask Him to keep ure marriage.
u are right, your marriage is VALID.

it just needs time for ure husband to tell the truth to his family...just be patient...

at the end everybody will know that ure a LEGAL SECOND WIFE..

:thumbs_up

 

[ummsara1108]

For the marriage to be valid doesn't he have to ask permission of the first wife?

also, it says in a surah, marry 1,2,3 or 4 if you can treat them equal but seeing you can not marry only 1?

After all, if you only see him 2 days a week and she get's 5 days a week, doesn't seem equal to me...good luck with this situation, may allah/god help you.

 

[Khayal]

First of all, what I say here, you may not like. ^o)

Ok, so I believe that your so-called husband is a cheater, because he married you without his wife's permission, and is using you. Your mistake is that you married a married man, and now are starting to regret it. Now think if you were the first wife, how would you feel in this situation? How would your kids feel? Especially since he did not get permission, or even tell her. Astaghfirullah..

If you are a good Muslim and fear Allah, then get a divorce from him, and marry a single man.

Seek refuge with Allah SWT, and tell the so called husband to also ask forgiveness from Allah SWT.

My dear brothers and sisters in Islam. I am 22 years of age and I have a 5 year old child from a marriage which was arranged by my parents 6 years ago. I came out of this marriage 4 years ago & I got married of my choice 6 months ago. However the person whom I have married already has a wife and 2 children who are not aware of our marriage as well as his parents. My family are aware that we are married but they are not aware that he is already married. My husband spends 2 nights every fortnight with me and comes to see me everyday. And every time I mention telling his family he says that I am interfering and that his family will disown him and tell him to leave me. He does not support me financially which is not a problem as alhamdolillah I earn myself to support me and my daughter. I am very scared of what I have let myself into as it is becoming very difficult I feel as if I am his dirty secret. Every time his brothers ask who I am he says I am a friend, which makes me feel ashamed and low. I cannot speak to my husband about this situation as I am afraid that it will push him away and he will leave me and I cannot put my parents through the shame of being divorced again. Am I wrong to ask him to tell his family and how can I make this situation better??

Jazakallah khair

May Allah guide us all unto the right path. The All-forgiving The Merciful. Ameen

 

[UmmSqueakster]

How much "Publicity" is enough.??? & for God sake change this word "Publicity"/"Publicize" like we have to advertise our wife. Huh.

You don't think the husband's family and his first wife should be included in the publicity? Those seem like pretty important people to tell. Dude, he's lying to his family. Who is this, oh your friend? She's his wife, not a secret!

 

[Woodrow]

We all need to remember. We are not scholars. We need to point out that which is our personal opinions.

There are a number of posts here that could be deleted. i am hesitant to delete them as they would disrupt the flow of the thread and the original poster does deserve legitimate answers, not be a witness to WW17.

I believe sufficient information has been given for the thread starter to see that the best advice is to consult a scholar.

I just did a major clean-up on the thread. Some very good post were also removed as they either contributed to the argument, no longer apply, or lacked verification.

Please keep things calm. If something is your opinion. State so. If you are presenting something as the teaching of Islam state the EXACT source.
Thread reopened

 

[Angelzz]

OK sis -- Im going to give this a shot and inshaAllah it will be of some assistance to you.

This is solely my opinion. unless I posted a source.

Sis from what I have read from your posts is this -- you were fully aware of his situation before you married him and I assume this also to be the fact that he hasnt told his first wife or wouldnt be telling his wife --- so you had full knowledge of this before you married him.

If this is correct -- then you pretty much knew what you were getting yourself into. It is better to be married as second wife than being single if this is all that was available to you.

see source below

http://www.islam-qa.com/index.php?ref=11519&ln=eng

Unfortunately some ppl here are quick to judge a fellow brother in islam - astaghfiruallah - however the brother does not require the permission of his first wife to remarry.

Here is a quote from the source below

"no evidence appears neither in the Qur’an nor sunnah requiring the permission of the first wife if her husband wishes to marry another wife, and therefore he is not required to ask her permission. However, he needs to be judicious in taking this decision and to weigh it carefully with respect to benefits and drawbacks and to look with the eye of wisdom at all of the considerations pertaining to the matter, and he should strive all he can to conciliate, reassure, and satisfy his first wife, in order to ease and mitigate the effect of the matter upon her"

http://www.islam-qa.com/index.php?ref=61&ln=eng&txt=marrying%20second%20wife

Though the situation in the source is a little different to yours the main answer applies to you. He does NOT have to tell his first wife but it is preferred that he treats everyone fairly and does so --- this is up to him and not up to you -- especially considering you knew what you were getting yourself into.

Now whether or not his first wife knows about your marriage to him is irrelevant to YOU and your marriage --- its relevant to HER marriage cause she doesnt know and thats to be left between her and her husband for them to deal with and the consequences etc -- its got nothing to do with you.


What has got to do with you -- is how he performs his duty to you as your husband.

And this is where I feel he is letting you down and making you regret the marriage.

You and him are married therefore he must fulfill his obligations of supporting you in EVERY form -- that includes financially - even though you can support yourself. (unless you waived this right at the time of marriage --- so did you agree to this b4 you married him???)


It also includes the amount of time he spends with you and fulfilling his husband duties towards you to avoid you falling into fitnah -- which was the whole point of getting married in the first place.

So if he is NOT living up to his islamic obligations to you as a husband -- then i suggest you see a sheikh for some counselling for you and your husband.

Divorce is not reccommended in islam generally however IF he does not rectify his ISLAMIC duties to YOU and counselling with a sheikh is NOT helping you and your marriage.

THEN and only after you have tried all ISLAMIC avenues -- you should divorce as he would be clearly failing his duties towards you.

PLease understand your duties as a second wife in islam and his duties as a husband towards you sis --- noone said this will be easy thing to live with --- however that is a decision you already agreed with before you married him -- so now you must do what is right islamically also and try to fix islamically what is bothering YOUR marriage.

It is clearly the brothers right whether or not he chooses to tell his first wife and does not concern you.

However you dont have to hide your marriage -- do not be ashamed as you ARE islamically married - unfortunately however you should expect in this day n age where people who are known to him and his first wife will think the way they think about other wives --- However, it is not your problem and remember you get their good deeds if they talk about you and also they get the punishment for accusing a chaste or loyal wife/woman of wrong doing.

So to help in this regards i suggest you strengthen your eman and knowledge in our deen and also go speak with a sheikh about how you feel and how he is not living up to his duties and go from there inshaAllah.

 

[syilla]

^^^Jazakallah khayr ukhtee for sharing...i agree with you

 

[PersianPrince]

Jazakallah brother for your advice I have tried explaining in many ways but he reckons im interfering with him & his family........... I did actually think of ringing his wife and telling her but I decided it might just make things worse!!!!!!





Could someone please clarify on the above asap as I am very worried.:nervous:

Jazakallah

AnonymousGender,
What would you and your daughter like to do? What does your heart want? These aren't questions that you need to answer here. They are for you to think about, (between you and your daughter). Because of the fear and tension that has built up inside you, it appears that you're focus is on others. Think of yourself and your daughter. Also bare in mind, she may be a lot stronger (and wiser) than you realise, and she is the best person you (as a mother) can trust. (Please forgive me if I have said something wrong, no offence was intented).

 

[rahma85]

OK sis -- Im going to give this a shot and inshaAllah it will be of some assistance to you.

This is solely my opinion. unless I posted a source.

Sis from what I have read from your posts is this -- you were fully aware of his situation before you married him and I assume this also to be the fact that he hasnt told his first wife or wouldnt be telling his wife --- so you had full knowledge of this before you married him.

If this is correct -- then you pretty much knew what you were getting yourself into. It is better to be married as second wife than being single if this is all that was available to you.

see source below

http://www.islam-qa.com/index.php?ref=11519&ln=eng

Unfortunately some ppl here are quick to judge a fellow brother in islam - astaghfiruallah - however the brother does not require the permission of his first wife to remarry.

Here is a quote from the source below

"no evidence appears neither in the Qur’an nor sunnah requiring the permission of the first wife if her husband wishes to marry another wife, and therefore he is not required to ask her permission. However, he needs to be judicious in taking this decision and to weigh it carefully with respect to benefits and drawbacks and to look with the eye of wisdom at all of the considerations pertaining to the matter, and he should strive all he can to conciliate, reassure, and satisfy his first wife, in order to ease and mitigate the effect of the matter upon her"

http://www.islam-qa.com/index.php?ref=61&ln=eng&txt=marrying%20second%20wife

Though the situation in the source is a little different to yours the main answer applies to you. He does NOT have to tell his first wife but it is preferred that he treats everyone fairly and does so --- this is up to him and not up to you -- especially considering you knew what you were getting yourself into.

Now whether or not his first wife knows about your marriage to him is irrelevant to YOU and your marriage --- its relevant to HER marriage cause she doesnt know and thats to be left between her and her husband for them to deal with and the consequences etc -- its got nothing to do with you.


What has got to do with you -- is how he performs his duty to you as your husband.

And this is where I feel he is letting you down and making you regret the marriage.

You and him are married therefore he must fulfill his obligations of supporting you in EVERY form -- that includes financially - even though you can support yourself. (unless you waived this right at the time of marriage --- so did you agree to this b4 you married him???)


It also includes the amount of time he spends with you and fulfilling his husband duties towards you to avoid you falling into fitnah -- which was the whole point of getting married in the first place.

So if he is NOT living up to his islamic obligations to you as a husband -- then i suggest you see a sheikh for some counselling for you and your husband.

Divorce is not reccommended in islam generally however IF he does not rectify his ISLAMIC duties to YOU and counselling with a sheikh is NOT helping you and your marriage.

THEN and only after you have tried all ISLAMIC avenues -- you should divorce as he would be clearly failing his duties towards you.

PLease understand your duties as a second wife in islam and his duties as a husband towards you sis --- noone said this will be easy thing to live with --- however that is a decision you already agreed with before you married him -- so now you must do what is right islamically also and try to fix islamically what is bothering YOUR marriage.

It is clearly the brothers right whether or not he chooses to tell his first wife and does not concern you.

However you dont have to hide your marriage -- do not be ashamed as you ARE islamically married - unfortunately however you should expect in this day n age where people who are known to him and his first wife will think the way they think about other wives --- However, it is not your problem and remember you get their good deeds if they talk about you and also they get the punishment for accusing a chaste or loyal wife/woman of wrong doing.

So to help in this regards i suggest you strengthen your eman and knowledge in our deen and also go speak with a sheikh about how you feel and how he is not living up to his duties and go from there inshaAllah.

Jazakallah khair 4 your advice sis u are right. I did know what I was letting myself into at the time, Inshallah please make dua that allah gives me sabr, and may allah do what is best for everyone.