Problem with a girl... PLEASE HELP!

[anonymous]

Kissing her is going to be memorable, especially if it was your first time, you just shouldn't attach so much emotional meaning to it because she didn't do it out of emotion, she did it because she was drunk which is the sad thing about it because you got the short end of the stick and kissed a girl who didn't even deserve it (not that kissing a girl that did would be better) and had no emotion attached to it to feel as much remorse as you do.

As for not being able to avoid her 100%, you have to look within your heart and know that your love for Allah should be above all things and you need to think about the blessings Allah will grant you for your patience. Don't think about this girl, I know you have some emotional attachment to her but attach yourself to an idea that's better than her until that idea reaches you physically through halaal means. Try not to look at her either, I know that's weird to suggest, but if it's away from the eyes it's away from the mind. You will get through this eventually, you just have to want it badly enough and work towards getting over it, and bi'dhnillah allah will bring you to which is better for you, and the next time you have feelings for someone, pray istikhara and ask for her hand in a respectable manner. Don't be worried about your past affecting your future spouse because your past is your past, if Allah can forgive us and we have sincerely repented never returning to our sin, then there's no reason for that person or any other person to judge you in any negative way. Allah doesn't love the sinners, but He loves his REPENTING slave.

fi aman Allah
w'salaam

This was a very useful post sister, thank you. I understand what you mean when you say that I have an emotional attachment due to the events that transpired. Whereas she "doesn't really remember the night well". You are very right about not looking at her. I saw her today (at uni) and when I looked at her I did feel a slight emotional twinge but I refrained from looking or talking to her and it was very helpful.

 

[cat eyes]

I shall tell her exactly what you said: "if a pious person like you could do something you never imagined, then imagine how easy it would be for the shaytaan to lead her into worse than she is already doing." don't think she will listen. I think its one of those things where you think of yourself as strong minded and willed etc thinking NOTHING will phase you. I used to be one of those people until the events I have described happened. She says she's "living in the moment" (a lot of the things she does and the way she is is due to a bad childhood and family problems - I feel bad for her whenever I think about it...).



What is done is done, I cannot change that. I regret it every day of my life and I repent for it. But it was never my intention for any of this to happen. I never looked at her with lust or desire. I think the problem was that we got to know each other too well and fell for each other. Albeit it was in a group of people but we often spoke exclusively.

I am curious hoy niyyat comes into this? I mean it was never my intention to go clubbing for the purpose of seeing a girl or drinking or committing haram acts etc. I went for the purpose of protecting her for fear of her being in harms way.


You raise an interesting point here. I shall heed your words but is it not usually the man who lays down the rules and enforces them? (I am going based on how my family is and what I have seen etc)



Why would I marry her to divorce her? I would marry her because I want to would I not? She is not the kind of person who sleeps around. Despite the fact that she drinks, she still has morals and is a good person (maybe not as a Muslim but...). Just because you drink does not mean you sleep around etc. She drinks to get away from her childhood and history. I know this is wrong and she should pray salat (which she does also) but we are not perfect people...



Allah may be the protector but if I walk onto a road and hope not to get hit by a car and say Allah will protect me that is stupid. Allah gives us the knowledge and capability, the wisdom to do what is right and know how to protect ourselves and others?



So lust comes before love? So in order for me to find a wife or someone I like I must lust for them before I love them? This does not sound right to me... Forgive me if I misinterpreted what you said. The post was harsh but I understand the reality (or am trying to at all costs) but what I do not understand is not every marriage is doomed for failure just because one of the partners was not always pious?

Thank you as always for taking the time to reply.

how on earth can you possibly know that she is not sleeping around also ?? i think you mentioned in your post she has also had a boyfriend.

your utterly deluded:hmm:

i think the problem is here.. your more concerned about how this women looks to you. she is pleasing

to the eyes and you do not give a **** about her deen.

good luck with this junky.

 

[anonymous]

how on earth can you possibly know that she is not sleeping around also ?? i think you mentioned in your post she has also had a boyfriend.

your utterly deluded:hmm:

i think the problem is here.. your more concerned about how this women looks to you. she is pleasing

to the eyes and you do not give a **** about her deen.

good luck with this junky.

Well she has made it quite clear to me early on when we met that she does not do sex before marriage (I was like ok... Did not understand why she was telling me this). How can you assume she DOES sleep around? That is judgemental no?

It is NOT about her LOOKS. I DO NOT desire her because of her looks. It is her PERSONALITY that appeals to me.

Of course I give a **** about her deen (and my deen). I appreciate you are trying to help and that I may be completely deluded in your eyes but I am confused. But I do know I no longer want her in my life. She is nothing but trouble.

Thanks for the luck but I do not need it. I ask Allah for guidance and I am distancing myself from this girl as much as possible.

 

[Asiyah3]

how on earth can you possibly know that she is not sleeping around also ?? i think you mentioned in your post she has also had a boyfriend.

Sister, I think it's better to refrain from judging and assuming things about people we don't know.

 

[Asiyah3]

You raise an interesting point here. I shall heed your words but is it not usually the man who lays down the rules and enforces them? (I am going based on how my family is and what I have seen etc)

Laying down rules won't influence your children's character, brother. Children tend to take example of the people around them. And the mom in particular is the closest to them, she is the one that takes care of them day and night and teaches them manners and morals when the father is at work.


Would you expect a daughter to wear the Hijab when her own mom doesn't?

It's not rare I've heard the statement "You've done so yourself at my age"

 

[cat eyes]

i apologise for my harsh tone

but you can get way better..

 

[Cabdullahi]

Come on brother just let her go you dont want no smelly alcoholic....just give her a brief note of how she can get herself back on track and run out of there

 

[أحمد]

Seek refuge with Allah against Shayateen and stay away from people who lead you towards evil. Islam guides towards paradise, while Iblees and his friends work very hard to direct people towards hell.

The matter of helping the drunkard woman is out of your hands; referring her to an Alcohol support unit would be more advisable.

:wa:

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

my thoughts:

if you find her too much of a fitnah think of it like this:

weigh up your emotions and weigh up how you feel? is she that much of a fitnah? yes, the fact has been established that she is

now

weigh up what what is obligatory for you to do and what is necessary for you to avoid.

escaping emotion is difficult. escaping Allah, death and the aakhira is impossible.

its your call.