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Qualities to Look for in a Spouse
The importance of specific qualities in a spouse and that some of
those qualities are much more important than others.
The importance of seeing a prospective spouse and the limits of that.
Specific rulings regarding such issues as being alone with
one's "fiancee", touching and private communications between them.
Importance of the Topic
Making sure that Muslims are well-matched to their spouses is one of
the most important and potentially difficult functions in Muslim
society. The individual seeking marriage must have his/her
priorities straight and be clear on what characteristics are most
important to be sought in a spouse in order to have a successful
marriage. There are many characteristics that are important in a
husband or a wife but some are much more important than others.
Overemphasizing the wrong qualities can lead to disaster down the
road just as being neglectful of certain considerations can do
likewise. When we come to understand the goals and priorities of
marriage in Islam, we may be guided to the Islamic methodology of
seeking marriage in Islam and stop blindly following the
disbelievers in their ignorant notions of the importance of "getting
to know each other" and other such concepts which in reality
contribute nothing to and more often sabotage a successful marriage.
The Prophet (sallallahu alaiyhi wassallam) taught us in many hadith
about the various characteristics which one looks for in a spouse
and their relative importance and which ones determine success insha
Allah and Allah's blessing on a marriage. Among those hadith:
"Inna al-mar'ata tunkahu lideeniha wa maaliha wa jamaaliha
fa 'alaika bi dhaati ad-deeni taribat yadaaka."
"A woman is married for her deen, her wealth or her beauty. You
must go for the one with deen, may your hands be in the dust! (if
you fail to heed)" Muslim
"Takhayyaroo li nutafikum fankihoo al-akfaa'u wa ankihoo ilaihim."
"Choose carefully for your seed. Marry those who are equivalent
(or "qualified") and give to them in marriage." Ibn Majah and
others and it is sahih.
In the following sections, we will discuss insha Allah, some of the
most important characteristics that can be found in the Qur'an and
the sunnah when it come to choosing a good spouse.
Religion
In the previous hadith, the Prophet (sallallahu alaiyhi wassallam)
mentioned various characteristics that people, by their nature and
custom, look for in a spouse. He did not advocate any of them, but
merely stated them as facts of human nature except for the issue
of "deen", i.e., a prospective spouses piety and practice of Islam -
their fulfilling of the wajib and their avoidance of the haraam.
About this characteristic, the Prophet (sallallahu alaiyhi
wassallam) said "alaikum bi dhaati ad-deen" or "it is upon you to
seek the one of piety". This is an order and quite different from
the general statement at the beginning of the hadith which says "a
woman IS MARRIED for..." and separates the issue of deen from the
other mundane issues and puts it in a category by itself. Also,
when the Prophet (sallallahu alaiyhi wassallam) says at the end of
the hadith "may your hands be in the dust", invoking this negative
outcome on those who disregard his order, it can only refer to the
order to seen the spouse with piety, since that is the only order in
the hadith.
We must be careful not to be superficial in this issue. The mere
wearing of hijab or keeping a beard and praying in the masjid, while
obvious requirements of piety, do not by themselves guarantee it.
There are many people who at first glance appear to be abiding by
Islam, but upon closer inspection have a twisted understanding of
Islam and their practice in reality may leave much to be desired.
Umar(R.A.) once told someone who had testified to the goodness of a
person by the fact that he had seen him in the masjid that he does
not know him as long as he has not had dealings with him that
involved money, had lived with him or travelled with him.
The characteristic of piety applies to the groom just as much as to
the bride. The guardian of the woman should make this his first and
top priority just as the man looking for a wife should make it his.
The Prophet (sallallahu alaiyhi wassallam) said:
"Idhaa ataakum man tardhauna deenahu wa khuluqahu fa zawwijoohu.
Illaa taf'aloo takun fitnatun fiy al-ardhi wa fasaadun kabeerun."
"If someone with whose piety and character you are satisfied with
comes to you, marry to him. If you do not do so, there will be
trials in the earth and a great deal of evil." At-Tirmidhi and
others and it is hassan.
Character and Behavior
In the previous hadith addressed to those in charge of the marital
affairs of Muslim women and girls, the Prophet (sallallahu alaiyhi
wassallam) commanded them to facilitate their marriage when they are
satisfied with two issues: the faith of the suitor and his
character.
Character is of extreme importance in Islam and goes hand in hand
with faith and piety. The Prophet (sallallahu alaiyhi wassallam)
has even described it as the purpose of his mission to mankind as we
can see from the following hadith:
"Innama bu'ithtu li utammima saliha al-akhlaaqi."
"I have only been sent to complete good character." Al-Hakim and
others (sahih)
"Anaa za'eemun bibaitin fiy a'laa al-jannati liman hassana
khuluqahu."
"I am a guarantor of a house in the highest part of Paradise for one
who makes his character good." Abu Daud and it is hassan.
"Al-Birru husnu al-khuluqi."
"Righteousness is good character." Muslim
"Akmalu al-mu'mineen imaanan ahsanuhum khuluqan."
"The believers with the most complete iman are those with the best
character." Abu Daud and it is sahih.
In An-Noor verse 26, Allah establishes the relation of this issue to
marriage:
{Al-khabithaatu lilkhabitheena wa al-khabithoona lil-khabithaati wa
at-tayyibaatu lil-tayyibeena wa at-tayyiboona lil-tayyibaati.}
{Bad women are for bad men and bad men are for bad women. And good
women are for good men and good men are for good women.} An-Noor:26
The word khabith above means filthy, unclean and despicable. It is
a very strong word. The word tayyib translated as good, connotes
clean and pure as well as good.
One of the important issues of character in the spouses is the
quality of wudd. This means kindness and lovingness and
compassion. The Prophet (sallallahu alaiyhi wassallam) said:
"Tazawwajoo al-wadood al-walood fa inniy mukaathirun bikum al-umama
yaum al-qiyama."
"Marry the loving/friendly, the child-bearing for I shall outstrip
the other nations with your numbers on Qiyama." Ahmad, Abu Daud and
others and it is sahih.
Therefore, the prospective spouses must ask and find out about the
other person's behavior and manners. As a sign also, one may look
at the other person's family's manners and behavior and many times
(but no always) the behavior of people of the same family are
similar. In other words, some characteristics tend to run in some
families whether they be good or bad characters such as anger,
politeness, stinginess, generosity, lying, truthfulness and so forth.
Child-Bearing
As we say in the previous hadith, the Prophet (sallallahu alaiyhi
wassallam) recommended men to marry those women who are child-
bearing. This characteristic is related to some of the goals and
purposes of marriage that were mentioned earlier such as procreating
the Muslim Ummah, raising a pious family as a cornerstone of society
and so forth.
Virginity
There are many hadith which recommend a man marry a virgin woman
such as the following:
"Tazawwajoo al-abkaara fa innahunna a'dhabu afwaahan wa antaqu
arhaaman wa ardhaa bil-yaseeri."
"Marry virgins for they have sweeter mouths, more productive wombs
and are more pleased with less." At-Tabaraani and it is hassan
Other narrations indicate that she is more likely to be pleased by a
man and less likely to be devious and deceiving. Once, when Jaabir
married an older and previously married woman, the Prophet
(sallallahu alaiyhi wassallam) said to him:
"Halaa bikran tulaai'buhaa wa tulaa'ibuka."
"Why not a virgin? You could have played with her and she with you."
The scholars have stressed that this good attribute applies to the
husband just as it applies to the wife. One of them
wrote: "Similarly, it is preferred for a person not to marry his
daughter except to a virgin man if she has never been married
before." Umar ibn Al-Khattab(R.A.) once heard about a woman who was
married to an elderly man and he said: "O people, fear Allah and
marry a man to a woman who is similar to him and marry a woman to a
man who is similar to her."
Beauty
This characteristic has a certain role to play since one of the
purposes of marriage is to keep both spouses from sins. The best
way to do this is to have a strong attraction between the spouses.
Although this is something which surely grows over time, initial
impressions can in some cases become an obstacle to a successful
marriage. The Prophet (sallallahu alaiyhi wassallam) separated
Qais ibn Shamaas from his wife in the famous case of Khul'a and her
stated reason was that he was exceedingly displeasing to her. There
are many hadith which urge the prospective spouse to get a look at
the other before undertaking the marriage. Once a companion told
him (sallallahu alaiyhi wassallam) that he was going to get
married. The Prophet (sallallahu alaiyhi wassallam) asked if he had
seen her. When the man said no, he (sallallahu alaiyhi wassallam)
said:
"Idh-hab fandhur ilaihaa fa innahu ahraa an yu'dama bainakum."
"Go and look at her for it is more likely to engender love between
the two of you." Ahmad and others and it is sahih.
Umar ibn Al-Khattab(R.A.) once said: "Do not force your young girls
to marry an ugly man, for they also love what you love." Ibn
Abideen (a famous faqeeh from last century) said: "The woman should
choose a man who is religious, of good character, generous and of
ample wealth. She should not marry an evildoer. A person should
not marry his young daughter to an old man and an ugly man but he
should marry her to one similar."
Beauty has its role, but remember that it is way down on the
priority list under piety, character and deen. When a person puts
beauty above all else, the results can be disastrous. This is one
of the big reasons that young people seeking to get married must be
helped by more mature family members in making their choice.
Looking at a Prospective Spouse
As we have seen, the Prophet (sallallahu alaiyhi wassallam)
encouraged men considering marriage to a particular woman to get a
look at her. He (sallallahu alaiyhi wassallam) said in another
hadith:
"Idhaa khataba ahadukum al-mar'ata fa'in istataa'a an yandhura minha
ilaa ma yad'oohu ilaa nikaahihaa falyaf'al."
"If one of you proposes to a woman and if he is able to look at of
her that which motivates him to marry her, let him do so." Abu Daud
& others (hassan)
Note that this hadith does not abrogate the limits of what a woman
may expose to non-mahaarim. She must continue to be well covered
except for her face and hands in front of all of them and the
prospective husband, even if he has proposed, is no exception to
this. Even such a one is still only permitted to see what anyone
else is permitted to see. The difference is that he is allowed to
take a good look - if it were not for the proposal of marriage, both
would be required to avert their eyes after the first glance. As
the Prophet (sallallahu alaiyhi wassallam) said to Ali about the
look at a non-mahram woman: "The first is for you, the second is
against you."
Also, it is clear that the purpose of this look is very specific:
to help one determine whether or not they would like to marry that
person. Once that has been determined and the decision has been
made, it is no longer permissible for them to look at each other.
If a man and a woman decide that they want to marry each other, this
does not make it allowed for them to continue to see each other.
Just the opposite, since the decision has been made there is no
longer any need for them to see each other and they are no longer
allowed to do so. This is because until the moment the offer and
acceptance of the marriage have been pronounced, there is no
relationship of any kind between them and all of the laws regarding
strange men and women still apply to them.
There are a number of important points which pertain to this issue:
Some scholars say that this look is sunnah (i.e., recommended) while
others say that it is simply permissible. The hadith would seem to
favor the first point of view.
It can only be done if the person actually intends marriage to the
person AND there is a real possibility of it taking place.
Otherwise, such a look remains forbidden.
It cannot take place in private. In other words, it is not allowed
for a man and a woman who are not married - even if they
are "engaged" - to be alone together.
The look can occur more than once - if and only if the objective has
not been accomplished.
There are several opinions about how much of the woman is lawful to
be seen in this context as follows: He can see what anyone else can
see i.e., he can look at her when she is dressed in the proper
outdoor dress of a Muslim woman. This is the mainstream opinion,
the safest one and the one which agrees with all of the evidence.
The scholars recommend that this look take place when one has
intended a proposal but the actual proposal has occurred. Although
the apparent of the hadith seems to indicate otherwise, this is
regarded as better in order to avoid hurting the woman's feelings if
the man changes his mind after seeing her.
The majority of scholars say that her foreknowledge or permission is
not needed - especially since he is merely seeing her in public and
in a way that anyone else can see her. The Maliki school of thought
says that it is disliked to look at her when she is unaware since
evil men may use this as an excuse to look at women all the time and
when told to stop would say "We are thinking of proposing to one of
them."
Women Looking at a Prospective Husband
The woman also has a right to look at her prospective husband. Many
scholars have stated that "The women like the same things we like."
Some have even said that it is MORE important for the woman to see
the man. This is because the man holds the right of instant and
unconditional divorce in case he is displeased with his wife. It is
not so easy for the woman to get out of a marriage and so she must
have priority in this issue.
Being Alone With (Khalwa) a Prospective Spouse and Other Questions
Can a Man be Alone with His "Fiancee"?
Again, no matter what words, promises, commitments, etc. have passed
between the parties, until the marriage contract has been transacted
and a man and woman are actually married, there is no relationship
at all between them and they are to each other as any other strange
man and woman.
The Prophet (sallallahu alaiyhi wassallam) has forbidden for a man
and a woman to be alone together. This ruling applies to
a "fiancee" just as much as it applies to any other unrelated man
and woman. One of the hadith which make this clear is:
"Laa yakhluwanna rajulun bi imra'atin illa ma'a dhiy mahram."
"A man cannot be alone with a woman except along with a male
relative [of hers]." Bukhari & Muslim
Touching
Obviously, since those "engaged" to be married have no legal
relationship beyond any other strange man and woman, obviously any
form of touching between them is not allowed. The Prophet
(sallallahu alaiyhi wassallam) said:
"La'an yut'ana fiy ra'si ahadikum bi makheetin min hadeed khairun
lahu min an yamassa imra'atan laa tahillu lahu."
"For one of you to be stabbed in the head with an iron needle is
better for him than to touch a woman who is not permissible to
him." At-Tabarani (sahih)
Phone Calls
All the scholars have pointed out that it is not proper or
acceptable for "fiancees" to be alone together or to have numerous
encounters for the purpose of "getting to know each other". In
fact, this is a horrible innovation that has spread among the
Muslims. It must always be remembered that until they are married,
they are like any other unrelated men and women to each other and
their actions must reflect that fact.
Obviously, it is not allowed to be alone with, have telephone
conversations or internet "chats" with unrelated men or women in
order to "get to know each other". Those intending marriage but as
yet unmarried are in the exact same position. Such disobedience in
the very course of seeking an act of obedience (marriage) very much
in need of Allah's blessing can have serious and long lasting
effects in the destruction of the marital relationship after that.
This is clearly the result of the similar "experiment" going in
western societies over the last decades: the more they "open" these
kind of issues the more disastrous their marriages become.
Recently, the success rate of marriages in the U.S. dropped below
50%. This in spite of complete freedom of the couple to "get to
know each other" in EVERY way and for as long as they wish before
marriage. Muslims - most of whom are heading down this same road -
need to wake up and take heed. The Prophet (sallallahu alaiyhi
wassallam) said:
"La tattabi'unna sunan alladhina min qablikum shibran bi shibrin wa
dhiraa'an bi dhiraa'in hatta lau dakhaloo juhra dhubbin
ladakhaltumoohu."
"You will follow the ways of those who came before you foot by foot
and yard by yard and even if they go down a lizard's hole, you will
follow them."
Difference Between "Engagement" and Delaying Consummation
In many Muslim countries, people transact the marriage contract, but
agree not to actually begin the marriage until after a certain
period of time. There is nothing wrong with this custom with two
conditions:
The time period is not excessively long.
All parties understand that the two are legally married, their
agreement to delay being together is not binding and there is
nothing wrong if they change their mind and decide to be together
before the appointed time.
This is quite different from the imported custom of "engagement".
The only parallel to this western custom which many Muslims have
adopted is what is called "khitba" which is the time between the
beginning of discussions and the acceptance or rejection of the
offer. In short, this has no legal validity of any kind and does
not change anything about the relationship between the man and
woman. Extending this to very long periods of time or worse,
violating the Shari'a during that time in the ways we have discussed
is a horrendous innovation (bid'a) which has spread among the
Muslims.
Recommended Steps
The following are important steps not only for those interested in
getting married but also for any others involved in the process of
facilitating a marriage. The entire process, in order to be
successful with Allah's blessing, should be proper and consistent
with the teachings of the Qur'an and the Sunnah. All other
endeavors will lead to misery and discord.
Both spouses should seek to get married purely for Allah's pleasure
and in order to fulfill the purpose of marriage in Islam.
Both must put full trust in Allah that if they do everything
properly and in accordance to the Shari'a that Allah will bless them
with a good spouse and that any other approaches are falsehood and
will not lead to Allah's blessing and success in marriage.
They should make du'a to Allah for a pious spouse who will aid them
in their Islam and worship.
They should be very patient. The process of marriage may take a
long time especially in areas where Muslims are a small minority.
If a person has Muslim parents, they should seek their help in
finding a spouse. If not, they should seek help from married
Muslim men and women.
When a person is found, they should seek advice from various parties
familiar with the person.
They should see the prospective spouse and perhaps speak with them
(not alone).
One should ask relevant questions and make clear the Islamic
foundation of the marriage.
Both should pray istakhaara to seek Allah's counsel.
Before the marriage contract, all dealings should be with the wali,
and no attempt should be made to strike up a relationship with the
future spouse before the marriage.
They should avoid all of the innovations surrounding marriage which
are so widespread among the Muslims.
@@@ Walaikum Asalaam wa Rahmatulahi Wa Barakatahu @@@
Regards
@@@ Sister 1maan in Islaam @@@
