Quran and Hadeeth guidelines in searching for a spouse

[Imraan]

Assalam Walaikum

Are there any guidelines in Quran and Hadeeth which help in following the sunnah when searching for a spouse for oneself or for daughter / sister / auntie etc.....

To tackle the rising number of separations and divorce within the current climate and in the community, surely more thought needs to go into it when selecting a prospective wife or husband.

In the olden days it was very different, they simply paired men and women and it was less complicated, maybe because stereotypical roles were assumed in the middle east and eastern part of the world.

However with the high magnitude of differences between expectations of males and females across a rapidly developing geographical area, isn't it necessary to educate people with wisdoms about exercising at least a reasonable amount of thoroughness and caution when selecting someone for marriage.

Nothing happens by the will of Allah swt, however marriage does carry risks, shouldn't people at least mitigate for some of it by at least taking some precautions (or 'tieing their camel as per say').

The elder generation bang on about 'is he muslim - yes, is he earning - yes' then therefore he is eligible to select.... which in my opinion is 'not enough criteria to assume' or 'less likely to achieve a long and fruitful marriage'......

 

[Islami.Mu'mina]

I don't know, I haven't really heard other than picking a woman for her deen (the one famous hadith)...

In my opinion:

You really have to understand yourself as a Muslim first. You need to find yourself... Find Allah and rely on him first and foremost!

Next, you would have to know what type of person you are looking for. You need to know exactly who you want, or the standards in his/her character. Obviously, being Muslim or claiming to be is not good enough. For example my parents would think "Is he Muslim, does he drink? Does he have a good education? Is he the same culture as us?" Thats all. Nothing else.

Depending on what type of Muslim you are, you can kind of tell when people have a similar mentality as you. I have noticed it in the masjid for example.. There are many different types of Muslims that have Islam in their heart but express it differently.. Some are more into it as it was brought on them culturally, some are into it because they want to get to jannah but not as serious, then there are others who will devote themselves because it is a way of life.. These are the people who not only strive for the sake for getting into jannah, but also because they have an extreme love for Allah so they wont ever stop trying to change into a better muslim!


Here are things I would consider.. In terms of his faith level

-How does he treat his family? His parents? Does he help around the house? Or is he lazy and more selfish?
- what types of problems does he have and how does he deal with it?
- Does he have that Mu'min mentality/belief ?
-Modesty, inward and outward. Does he strive(notice I said strive, as long as he is trying to do so and he doesnt give up) to lower his gaze and stay chaste for the sake of Allah?
- Pride. You can kind of tell sometimes when someone does things to show off. This is no good
- Does he have a good amount of knowledge on his faith (unless he recently became religious or smth then its ok), is he always seeking more knowledge?
- What is his view on minor sins? Does he try to abstain from those?
- Is he arrogant?
- Does he love fufilling minor sunnah acts?
- I would also ask him questions on how he views some certain things in life (to see if it is the more islamic way)
- behavior- is he kind or rude
-communication, is he able to communicate and open up?
- Does he have any issues that could be problematic? (signs that can show that he will be abusive or overcontrolling/possessive)

Those are the major, but I would also think about these next things which are more about my daily life
- I am against TV shows and music (unless its islamic lectures, nasheeds without music, etc.) so I would want someone who deosn't associate himself with this type of entertainment
- Does he go to the masjid often?
- How does he carry out his daily life?
- Is he more of a family type of person or does he like being on his own?
- How does he implement the sunnah into his daily life
- What do his friends think of him
-what type of friends does he have
- What does he believe his responsibility is as a husband and father, what does he think mine is?
-What does he expect of me? What does he think I expect of him?


But the last point which is right here, is more specifically for me. He better be fine with cats in the house;D


And muuuuuuch more to be added to these lists. Thats only a brief view. Lol I feel like when I search for my future spouse, our meetings are just going to turn into interrogations.
That is how it should be though. You shouldn't form a relationship before marriage so that it is easy to know and ask for what you want.. Otherwise you'll just be blinded by your emotions.. You will be with the person for the rest of your life (unless divorced). It's best to focus on figuring out who this person is rather than trying to see if you have chemistry.

To have chemistry, all it takes is a hormonal female and male who thinks that each other are cute. Chemistry will die out in marriage sometimes, so pick the person's character, because that wont die out (Unless something crazy happens to this person and his/her life takes a complete turn, but most cases this doesn't happen unless severe mental illness strikes)

If he thinks I'm too extreme, thats good. Then we won't be compatible. If he starts asking me similar things and expecting someone who is up for the deen, thats great.

In the USA, some Muslims (unfortunately) think I'm extreme for the way I dress (lol I try to dress in those long 1 piece puffy jilbabs whenever I can) for example or for simple things such as not watching TV (because there is haram content and music ofc.. and it has bad effects) or for many other simple acts I do just as many other pious Muslims might do!

At the same time, it makes me feel a bit relieved so that when I look to marry, many of the wrong men will be compelled away from me inshaAllah

Thats another reason why I kind of feel safe to choose a Muslim partner in the West, because the true pious ones know just who exactly they are looking for and sometimes they can easily recognize the person while many of the other Muslims will think you are extreme (sad they think that tho).

 

[Imraan]

I don't know, I haven't really heard other than picking a woman for her deen (the one famous hadith)...

In my opinion:

You really have to understand yourself as a Muslim first. You need to find yourself... Find Allah and rely on him first and foremost!

Next, you would have to know what type of person you are looking for. You need to know exactly who you want, or the standards in his/her character. Obviously, being Muslim or claiming to be is not good enough. For example my parents would think "Is he Muslim, does he drink? Does he have a good education? Is he the same culture as us?" Thats all. Nothing else.

Depending on what type of Muslim you are, you can kind of tell when people have a similar mentality as you. I have noticed it in the masjid for example.. There are many different types of Muslims that have Islam in their heart but express it differently.. Some are more into it as it was brought on them culturally, some are into it because they want to get to jannah but not as serious, then there are others who will devote themselves because it is a way of life.. These are the people who not only strive for the sake for getting into jannah, but also because they have an extreme love for Allah so they wont ever stop trying to change into a better muslim!


Here are things I would consider.. In terms of his faith level

-How does he treat his family? His parents? Does he help around the house? Or is he lazy and more selfish?
- what types of problems does he have and how does he deal with it?
- Does he have that Mu'min mentality/belief ?
-Modesty, inward and outward. Does he strive(notice I said strive, as long as he is trying to do so and he doesnt give up) to lower his gaze and stay chaste for the sake of Allah?
- Pride. You can kind of tell sometimes when someone does things to show off. This is no good
- Does he have a good amount of knowledge on his faith (unless he recently became religious or smth then its ok), is he always seeking more knowledge?
- What is his view on minor sins? Does he try to abstain from those?
- Is he arrogant?
- Does he love fufilling minor sunnah acts?
- I would also ask him questions on how he views some certain things in life (to see if it is the more islamic way)
- behavior- is he kind or rude
-communication, is he able to communicate and open up?
- Does he have any issues that could be problematic? (signs that can show that he will be abusive or overcontrolling/possessive)

Those are the major, but I would also think about these next things which are more about my daily life
- I am against TV shows and music (unless its islamic lectures, nasheeds without music, etc.) so I would want someone who deosn't associate himself with this type of entertainment
- Does he go to the masjid often?
- How does he carry out his daily life?
- Is he more of a family type of person or does he like being on his own?
- How does he implement the sunnah into his daily life
- What do his friends think of him
-what type of friends does he have
- What does he believe his responsibility is as a husband and father, what does he think mine is?
-What does he expect of me? What does he think I expect of him?


But the last point which is right here, is more specifically for me. He better be fine with cats in the house;D


And muuuuuuch more to be added to these lists. Thats only a brief view. Lol I feel like when I search for my future spouse, our meetings are just going to turn into interrogations.
That is how it should be though. You shouldn't form a relationship before marriage so that it is easy to know and ask for what you want.. Otherwise you'll just be blinded by your emotions.. You will be with the person for the rest of your life (unless divorced). It's best to focus on figuring out who this person is rather than trying to see if you have chemistry.

To have chemistry, all it takes is a hormonal female and male who thinks that each other are cute. Chemistry will die out in marriage sometimes, so pick the person's character, because that wont die out (Unless something crazy happens to this person and his/her life takes a complete turn, but most cases this doesn't happen unless severe mental illness strikes)

If he thinks I'm too extreme, thats good. Then we won't be compatible. If he starts asking me similar things and expecting someone who is up for the deen, thats great.

In the USA, some Muslims (unfortunately) think I'm extreme for the way I dress (lol I try to dress in those long 1 piece puffy jilbabs whenever I can) for example or for simple things such as not watching TV (because there is haram content and music ofc.. and it has bad effects) or for many other simple acts I do just as many other pious Muslims might do!

At the same time, it makes me feel a bit relieved so that when I look to marry, many of the wrong men will be compelled away from me inshaAllah

Thats another reason why I kind of feel safe to choose a Muslim partner in the West, because the true pious ones know just who exactly they are looking for and sometimes they can easily recognize the person while many of the other Muslims will think you are extreme (sad they think that tho).

Salaam sister, can't thank you enough for your opinion and input, however that's demanding a lot of info.... (ah man sometimes i wish i knew everything!) an amount of info which probably can be realised over a certain period of time, you are probably looking at a number of 'get together's' under the supervision of a mahram before you get all that info... which I think is do-able... I get the feeling that not everyone would be up for that though... i have heard some couples meeting in a halal way, conversing over quite a few 'meets' and then deciding, eventually getting married... it is a more liberal way, only allowed by some parents... this method is not widely used by the south asian community in the west .... just yet.

having thawakkul is such a blessing, but then we vulnerable fall prey to evil people out there and drop ourselves in tests that we could have potentially avoided having followed certain safeguarding methods... these tests can eventually be the 'bane' of someones life!

hope you find a suitable spouse In Sha Allah....

erm sister.... i'm thinking you need to cut your criteria down a bit... i thought i was bad.

I was once criticised for 'the barrage' of questions i threw at a prospective suitor for my family member, they got a bit offended,.... my view was, why you getting offended if you got nothing to hide.... off course I didn't say that literally, not there to start an argument, just doing a bit of fact finding... turns out my 'barrage of questions did bring out unfavourable info....'.

Pray Allah swt makes the searches for marriages easier for everyone deserving it (sorry to those undeserving it), i dread to think the age group of singletons is shifting too much to 'too late in life'...

Asthagfirullah

 

[Studentofdeed]

Can someone explain me again the repercussions of haram relationships? Some people say its okay if there is no zina. Or we are just taking. Even if say two people are "just talking" its haram. I have a friend. I've advise numerous times but he sort of brushes it off. I told him to make it halal or atleast get a Nikah done. Im not sure what else to do...when certain small issues happen and couples break up? Is it anyone's fault in particular or is it just both parties? Its so scary how people don't realise this

 

[Islami.Mu'mina]

Salaam sister, can't thank you enough for your opinion and input, however that's demanding a lot of info.... (ah man sometimes i wish i knew everything!) an amount of info which probably can be realised over a certain period of time, you are probably looking at a number of 'get together's' under the supervision of a mahram before you get all that info... which I think is do-able... I get the feeling that not everyone would be up for that though... i have heard some couples meeting in a halal way, conversing over quite a few 'meets' and then deciding, eventually getting married... it is a more liberal way, only allowed by some parents... this method is not widely used by the south asian community in the west .... just yet.

erm sister.... i'm thinking you need to cut your criteria down a bit... i thought i was bad.

Ahh you think so? Yeah sometimes I rethink these things through, I really want to know all of this but at the same time, I would a bit shy to ask all of this out of fear of coming off as a demanding person:facepalm:.. I'm far from demanding though! Lol. I just really want to match with someone who is focused on taking Islam seriously and always trying to change himself in minor and major ways and always making sure.. Always seeing life from and Islamic perspective and thinking of Allah... Ideally, every Muslim should be like that..

You know I'll tell you one thing. My sister doesn't pray and she is very westernized, but for some reason she absolutely understands the way of Islamic marriages and she ended up breaking up with some boy she loved because of this stuff. She stopped herself from being blinded by her emotions. It was very hard for her to do so, and I was so surprised that she did because she was so emotionally attached to him. She understands the religion so well and she eventually wants to start praying but Idk she just wont yet. I am so glad too tho I could tell he was not a good man. She wouldn't realize that for quite a bit because she was too "in love" +o(. But I tell her about my standards for my spouse and she really enjoys listening to my Islamically influenced perspective on life. She does enjoy talking about this stuff. It feels very nice because shes seen the good in me since I have became religious and she enjoys having conversations full of wisdom every once in awhile. Laziness is eating her alive though. I hope she changes one day. She's gaining too much weight and always staying in her room and doing bad in college

having thawakkul is such a blessing, but then we vulnerable fall prey to evil people out there and drop ourselves in tests that we could have potentially avoided having followed certain safeguarding methods... these tests can eventually be the 'bane' of someones life

Yes this is completely true. Especially when it comes to marriage, this is one of the reasons why I have all these questions about my future spouse in mind. After seeing many marriages between muslims fail... Its very sad
And I remember your story, it is really scary accepting someone you don't know well into your life, because it could end up backfiring eventually (if this is the wrong person).. ALhamdulilah though you have made it through very strongly in a way I would have never been able to. May Allah make you strong and compensate you for what you have dealt with.. And I will sincerely say this for you. I have no idea what I'd even do in your situation.. I want to try my best to prevent myself from being with the wrong person... An ounce of prevention is better than the cure..

Even with my own parents. I feel they both ended up choosing eachother for the wrong reasons.. My mom even told my that my dad had children just so she couldn't leave him. Somehow, all of us were "accidents". They fight very often, even over the smallest things that I couldn't even fight over with my siblings. (people generally say siblings always fight! That isn't the case for us) You know but its gotten so much better because my dad is so old so he doesn't have as much as energy to get angry.. He is a lot more toned down then he used to be since hes at work often now so it is peaceful for the most part at home.

an amount of info which probably can be realised over a certain period of time, you are probably looking at a number of 'get together's' under the supervision of a mahram before you get all that info... which I think is do-able... I get the feeling that not everyone would be up for that though...

Yeah that is true. I know it is a common tradition for arab Muslims to get married fast. I could understand why and yeah I do believe that you shouldn't keep it out TOO long. I'd have to put this all into thought. inshaAllah I will get to meet the person for the sufficient amount I need..

I was once criticised for 'the barrage' of questions i threw at a prospective suitor for my family member, they got a bit offended,.... my view was, why you getting offended if you got nothing to hide.... off course I didn't say that literally, not there to start an argument, just doing a bit of fact finding... turns out my 'barrage of questions did bring out unfavourable info....'.

Gee I wouldn't want people to get annoyed of me asking questions, I would feel a bit embarrassed.. And i would feel bad too if it made them uncomfortable

Pray Allah swt makes the searches for marriages easier for everyone deserving it (sorry to those undeserving it), i dread to think the age group of singletons is shifting too much to 'too late in life'...

Yeah we should all definitely do so.. I would sometimes think that I would have to lower my criteria because it might be too much so that I would be a singleton for awhile:hmm:..
I will pray to get the person I want in the future. InshaAllah maybe I'll find someone who is focused at helping us get each other better with our deen. I'm not necessarily expecting all these traits in a person, but I will make sure that he knows what type of person I am and that he will not try to influence me except in a beneficial way that is for the good of me becoming a better person.
That way if someone hears my beliefs and thinks I'm "extreme" they'll want to stay away from me ...
This part is important because family members can also be a way of pushing you into sin. When I started to see the beauty of my own religion, my character changed and I became a better person.. Even personality wise, I became more kind and patient than i was.. But then some family members and friends would always call me extreme and try pushing me into things I wouldn't want to do. It was soooooooo annoying. I would always mind my own business too because religion is a sensitive topic to many people, yet they would still push me and annoy me. I'd rather have them call me a bad Muslim, that way maybe they could give me advice on how to change

 

[Islami.Mu'mina]

It's pretty funny how some Muslims will call you "extreme"(that you're twisting the religion) and bother you for minding your own business and peacefully practicing your religious habits. But the moment you try to gently explain why you believe you should be doing it, all of a sudden you are "judging" them and being "arrogant".:slap:

And sorry I never realized my other message would be so long. I hope you enjoy reading it ._.

 

[Islami.Mu'mina]

Can someone explain me again the repercussions of haram relationships? Some people say its okay if there is no zina. Or we are just taking. Even if say two people are "just talking" its haram. I have a friend. I've advise numerous times but he sort of brushes it off. I told him to make it halal or atleast get a Nikah done. Im not sure what else to do...when certain small issues happen and couples break up? Is it anyone's fault in particular or is it just both parties? Its so scary how people don't realise this

Men and women should not be mixing with each other generally. They should try to avoid it if possible because of the temptations it can cause. As for relationships or people who "just talk"... In Quran (17:32), it doesn't say "do not commit zina" but it says "do not come NEAR zina". This is why we shouldn't be having relationships in the first place.

Although when you start talking to a person and you get his/her number, your intentions may not be zina. You could be someone who is totally against it.. But relationships generally progress... You may "just talk"... Get each other's number... Go out on dates.. Stay up late at night talking to each other.. Texting each other before praying fajr (I actually know someone who was doing this and gotta say that it made me cringe a bit, except his prayer was already late yet he had to check her texts first thing before praying)..

Eventually things move on without you guys realizing it. In the end, after all that, you may just end up breaking up and leaving each other!

a lot of Muslims now date(non islamic way) with intentions to get married. It's a bad idea. They form much chemistry before they get married, with their strings attached. Then they forget about their serious plans. When you fall for someone, you'll lose track of the warning signs they give off for a bit. You'll think that this person is the one you really want to be with because you are so into the moment. And even if you guys didn't commit zina, after getting married, you will start to see each other's flaws that you didn't know about. This is where commitment takes place. Fights will take place if both sides aren't willing to open their minds and accept each other + compromise with each other. Many Muslims now get married because this person might've been charming or fun to be around, but they never put thought into what actual commitment is because they were so blind by their own emotions.

Hence, we need to stay strictly on the path Allah has made for us.

You can find many stories online that prove this claim right. Men and women cannot just be friends and hangout.

 

[Studentofdeed]

Thank you for reminding me...yes I tried to tell my friend. At this point rather than be a pestering fool. I just kept quiet. Things gotten a bit rocky and now I'm like...I still wish them the best. Today life has become such a fitnah. Literally one has to cling on to islam not with hands but with their nails.

And it is okay sister. Keep your religious way and Insha'Allah you find the spouse you need. May Allah give you a good handsome pious spouse. Ameen

 

[Islami.Mu'mina]

Thank you for reminding me...yes I tried to tell my friend. At this point rather than be a pestering fool. I just kept quiet. Things gotten a bit rocky and now I'm like...I still wish them the best. Today life has become such a fitnah. Literally one has to cling on to islam not with hands but with their nails

.

And it is okay sister. Keep your religious way and Insha'Allah you find the spouse you need. May Allah give you a good handsome pious spouse. Ameen[/QUOTE]

Ameen. Yeah sometimes people wont listen even if you try to kindly warn them. It can end up making things worse. I tried the same with my brother once because I was a bit worried about his relationship with someone, but I came off as annoying so I stopped interfering. They broke up eventually after awhile anyway.

[FONT=&quot] the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever among you sees an evil action, let him change it with his hand [by taking action]; if he cannot, then with his tongue [by speaking out]; and if he cannot, then with his heart [by at least hating it and believing that it is wrong], and that is the weakest of faith.” Narrated by Muslim in his Saheeh

[/FONT]The least we can do is be against the action by heart.. Sometimes we can't change others and prevent them from certain sin.

 

[Studentofdeed]

Yes alhamdullah. And now that you mentioned sister earlier in one your posts. You should limit your use of this app if you feel like its interfering your school. Maybe use this forum when you finish everything?

Not trying to nitpick but trying to give good sound advice