Really need advice

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peace_2all

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Assalamualykum,
I really need some help, and i dont know how to explain this but when i was younger i used to have a bf, we broke up etc, and with things going bad in my life i decided to turn to Allah swt who gave me a lot of hidayat and i have been wearing a scarf since and been a more practicing muslim since, the thing is me and my ex have always been in touch we talk and then stop etc, but when i speak to him i get tempted to do things i shouldnt, i feel bad and guilty but try to avoid these feelings because i feel ashamed of what im doing to Allah after all that he has given me. My ex tels me he wants to marry me but i dont know if its true and im unsure even if i want to marry him because like i said when i speak to him i get tempted with sinful thoughts and things, im not saying its his fault because i have a mind of my own but i just dont know what to do, should i stop speaking to this guy? i know its a zina speaking to him but sometimes i think i might be marrying him. i wanted to pray istikhara because i got a proposal from a decent guy which my parents wanted me to consider, but then i never ended up praying because i thought whats the point if im talking to my ex and still have feelings for him. i feel realy stupid writing this and i know i might not make much sense but im struggling. when i didnt speak to him i felt i was much closer to Allah swt, but now im talking to him again i feel ashamed to even raise my hands for dua to Allah because i know he must be disapointed in me
 
Asalaamualykum sister :)

Relationships like these are haram, so fear Allah and stop talking to him. sis if he really wants to marry you tell him to wait, or if your ready now get your family to talk to his if your both serious.

We see haram relationships like these all the time these days and its such a shame that it happens even in Muslims. I can tell you from my experience, every single person i have known trying to handle a haram relationship has eventually come to and end, and these were the people who thought they would get married and live happily ever after. Most of us have been brought up by seeing it practically everywhere; on the streets, tv, magazines etc, and let me tell you it really sucks! Its so sad to see Muslims wanting to be like the kufar. I mean non Muslim's are trying to find a way out of all their troubles by coming to Islam while Muslims have the blessing already and are running away from it.

Say someone was giving you 1 billion just like that, would you take it? You would right?...how stupid you would be to refuse such an offer.

Well Allah is giving you the keys to paradise just like that and we refuse it.

sis, repent to Allah and promise him you will never make this mistake again that way next time you feel like calling him, there will always be a feeling in your heart that will stop you. Its not easy but don't worry Allah has promised us paradise InshaAllah, and when you get there you will find your reward with Allah. (of course being much much better)

sometimes its just lust and not love, you said you have coped before but shaytaan got you to start talking to him again, so you can InshaAllah do it again, just this time ignore shaytaan and tell him you fear Allah!

Do we think Allah wont help us if he strive in his way? Don't worry sister, even if your not talking to him, because the decree of Allah and what he wills happens you can't go wrong.

If you tell him and he understands then he will leave you alone and you can give the halal way ago. If he doest understand sis, hes really not worth it. A true future husband would want to save his wife from the hell fire.

Make Du'a to Allah and ask Him to make a way out for you.

:statisfie and don't be sad over loosing him because when you feel the sweetness of eman, trust me your love for Allah and Muhammed SAW will be enough to satisfy your heart.
 
:sl: SIS

Appreciating what Sis Hayfa said in her long reply, I would like to include only few things that Shaytan always make things beautiful for us which are not acceptable by Allah. Hence, you feel tempted with sinfull thoughts when you meet your ex. I happens with all of us. We need to control ourselves.

It is better you do not speak and meet with him and tell him if he is interested, he shoudl come through proper channel of your parents. Let your parents decide finally.

As you said your parents are requesting you to consider a decent guy (means you are accepting he is not decent also), consider him and if you feel Okey, go ahead. Life is much more than just liking some one. It needs care, wisdom and respect of both parties marrying each other.

Trust in Allah and I do believe He alone is enough to give you peace.

I wish you a very happy life.
 
:sl:
Well do istikhara let Allah answer it for you:) ive heard of great stories and ive heard of bad ones but the bad ones were because they never prayed istikhara and they were young and foolish and rushed into it. so none of us can say this brother is bad for you. nobody can see whats in his heart only Allah. inshaAllah try to stop talking over the fone and maybe then you will not feel these temptations even meet him with a mahram present? just explain to him we should do things right if we want to get any type of blessings from Allah swt be gentle with him don't push him away from you altogether because you could be making a mistake.. again pray istikhara.

wish you all the best and remember Allah is most forgiving and most merciful know that Allah will forgive you if you repent. he loves you.
:wa:
 
either get your parents to arrange your marriage with him, or just cut him out cold turkey. dont keep going back and forth. what sin will befall you "tomorrow?" think about it. make a decision, and stick to your guns :)
 
:sl:

My advice to you sister is break all contact with this guy, with a clear heart and mind pray Isthikara and im sure Allah SWT will guide you the right way. Inshallah thing will work out for you and you will be happy, please keep us informed, take care.

:wa:
 
JazakAllah so much for your advice, words cannot express how appreciative i am, i couldnt speak to anyone regarding this because of the embarassment, and the shame i was feeling, i was scared to even post on here thinking people may be judgemental towards me but my sisters and brothers you have brought tears to my eyes, i am so thankful for all your advice may Allah reward you all with Jannat. He is not a bad guy he is decent aswell with a good heart and alhamdolilah he is a hafez of the Quran aswell, he is not bad i just think sometimes he gets heavily influenced by friends that are not good company. Sister hayfa i have tasted the sweetness of imaan before and i long to go back that way, inshAllah ameen i will stop talking to him and inshAllah i am going to pray istikhara, i would rather stop speaking now before it gets too late for me, inshAllah i can do it. JazakAllah to all again, I will keep you updated with whatever happens x
 
Hayfa said:
Asalaamualykum sister :)

Relationships like these are haram, so fear Allah and stop talking to him. sis if he really wants to marry you tell him to wait, or if your ready now get your family to talk to his if your both serious.

We see haram relationships like these all the time these days and its such a shame that it happens even in Muslims. I can tell you from my experience, every single person i have known trying to handle a haram relationship has eventually come to and end, and these were the people who thought they would get married and live happily ever after. Most of us have been brought up by seeing it practically everywhere; on the streets, tv, magazines etc, and let me tell you it really sucks! Its so sad to see Muslims wanting to be like the kufar. I mean non Muslim's are trying to find a way out of all their troubles by coming to Islam while Muslims have the blessing already and are running away from it.

Say someone was giving you 1 billion just like that, would you take it? You would right?...how stupid you would be to refuse such an offer.

Well Allah is giving you the keys to paradise just like that and we refuse it.

sis, repent to Allah and promise him you will never make this mistake again that way next time you feel like calling him, there will always be a feeling in your heart that will stop you. Its not easy but don't worry Allah has promised us paradise InshaAllah, and when you get there you will find your reward with Allah. (of course being much much better)

sometimes its just lust and not love, you said you have coped before but shaytaan got you to start talking to him again, so you can InshaAllah do it again, just this time ignore shaytaan and tell him you fear Allah!

Do we think Allah wont help us if he strive in his way? Don't worry sister, even if your not talking to him, because the decree of Allah and what he wills happens you can't go wrong.

If you tell him and he understands then he will leave you alone and you can give the halal way ago. If he doest understand sis, hes really not worth it. A true future husband would want to save his wife from the hell fire.

Make Du'a to Allah and ask Him to make a way out for you.

:statisfie and don't be sad over loosing him because when you feel the sweetness of eman, trust me your love for Allah and Muhammed SAW will be enough to satisfy your heart.
Click to expand...

JazakAllah for your words of wisdom May Allah give u all the success in this life, and even more success in the hereafter
 
The prophet Mohamed (peace be upon him) advised us to marry as young as possible. I can guarantee you sister that when you marry you will become less busy thinking about temptation and focus more on Allah (this is of course after a few months). People who are not married and get involved in haram relationships, never get satisfied and keep wanting more and more.
I don't know who you consider for marriage; the boy you're talking to now or the one your parents arranged for you.

If you still want to marry your ex than follow these steps please:

- Step 1:
You are not allowed to marry each other without doing Tawbah (both of you), because Allah has forbidden Mou'minien to marry a Zanni'ien.

-Step 2:
You should tell your parent that you are not considering the boy they have arranged (I don't know if this a problem with your parents), because your ex cannot ask for your hand if someone else already did.

-Step 3:
Ask him for the last time (over the phone) to meet your parents. If he hesitates, than leave him and never talk to him, cos it shows that he is not serious and doesn't respect you, himself and the most important Allah.

-Step 4:
If he agree to come, than start doing salat istikhara and ask him to do the same.

Hope this may help insha-Allah
 
JazakAllah SamyD for your advice, the only thing is though i am not looking to marry right now, inshAllah in a couple of years time, im not even sure if i want to marry my ex, this is why i want to do istikhaara to seek guidance from Allah as to who i should consider for marriage as i am not sure myself, i think for the time being i should try to stop speaking to him, then pray istikhara and take it from there. JazakAllah for your advice though i appreciate it
 
oh sweetie, dont be sad, but cut him out, he sounds like he is stringing you along to comit sins, cardinal sins! dont be dragged down with it, you sound so sweet, dont be sucked in to it. live a happy and sucessful life, you know deep down what you need to do other wise you would not have posted what you posted, so do what you know is right and do it before it gets out of hand and you get hurt.

life is tough, but things have to happen for a reason. you are a strong person so make it count!

good luck and pm me if you want to talk xxx
 
peace_2all said:
JazakAllah SamyD for your advice, the only thing is though i am not looking to marry right now, inshAllah in a couple of years time, im not even sure if i want to marry my ex, this is why i want to do istikhaara to seek guidance from Allah as to who i should consider for marriage as i am not sure myself, i think for the time being i should try to stop speaking to him, then pray istikhara and take it from there. JazakAllah for your advice though i appreciate it
Click to expand...

Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb my sister jazakallah khayran for sharing your problems with us and being so open otherwise you would be left confused of what to do like most young couples are who are in this situation.

My sister what we have to realise is that shaythan does everything gradually and cleverly. He first makes it out like it is innocent if two people get to know each other and become friends. Then when they become friends they inevitabley will start to fall for each other because Allah has created man and women to be attracted to each other.

Then one thing leads to another and eventually zina may take place and many people think it will never happen to them but if they carry on with their relationship then eventually it does.

Haraam relationships have no peace and blessings in them then it will leave both if not at least one of the couple scarred, hurt and in pain and it will affect them for a very long time causing depression and losing the will to live and carry on.

This is the desperate state that haraaam relationships can get people into and trust me it has happened and is still happening to COUNTLESS of our brothers and sisters today!

My sister the amount of girls and boys nowadays who get lead on, played and used is unbelievable. How do you know he is not doing the same? Most of the people its happened to NEVER have thought that their partners would do that to them. These are the results of a haraam relationship because a relationship is NOT a guarantee for marriage at all and most of the time the couple end up getting used, abused, lead on, played and treated badly.

You said it yourself sister when you speak with him you get evil thoughts. This is shaythan filling evil in your heart and lust, temptation and desires. Shaythan is wanting to ignite passion in your heart and lure you into evil.

My sister it is crucial for your own imaan that you cease talking to him immediatley and that you save yourself from destruction.

It is bad enough as it is sister for the couple to go behind their parents back and have a haraam relationship but what about in front of Allah? Are the couple not ashamed? Do they not know that Allah sees EVERYTHING? Just because we can't see Allah it does'nt mean he cannot see EVERYTHING we are doing!

Let us feel ashamed of ourselves for sinning so much when we know and realise that Allah is watching our EVERY move. Will we then not have shame and stop this evil?

Sister it is Allah who has made your heart inclined to stop this evil and to come on here so that we can tell you to stop immediatley and that there is NOTHING but heartache, pain and waste of ones precious time in getting involved in such relationships aswell as gaining the wrath and anger of Allah!

Repent as much as you can my sister and ask Allah to forgive you for ever involving yourself in such a relationship.

Just because a person is a haafiz of the Qur'an it does'nt make them pious or a good person because my sister the haafiz of the Qur'an have a bigger responsibility to stop evil because they have been given the Qur'an in their hearts and for them to committ such evil with the Qur'an in their hearts is even more of a major sin so you should warn him about this. Jahannam will be filled with scholars of Islam and haafiz because they did not fulfill their obligations from having knowledge and quran in their hearts.

My sister know that if you go towards Allah FULLY and rely on him, trust in him, have hope in him and have FULL reliance in him and abide by his commandments FULLY and ALWAYS ask of him no matter what it is then surely he will do whats best for you in your life and that includes who you marry but my sister let us go about finding a partner in the right way and we will have a life full of blessings, peace and tranquility but if we do things the wrong way then it is inevitable that things will go wrong and we will be in pain and in sorrow.


My sister there is no time like the present to go towards Allah FULLY and be the closest to him. These 9 days before Eid are blessed and the best time as any to try and be the closest to Allah.

We do not know when our time is up so let us make the best use of every second of our life before our last second is up.

My sister make the best of your youth for Alllah loves the worship of a person in their youth. When were old and withered then it is not the same.

Here are some VERY useful and beneficial links for you to benefit from and please pass on to others aswell.

10 steps to increase our imaan(faith)

http://www.sunniforum.com/forum/showthread.php?t=40459

Forty Good Deeds to do Everyday!

http://www.sunniforum.com/forum/showthread.php?t=50628

Nafl Salaahs to Pray Everyday

http://www.sunniforum.com/forum/showthread.php?t=49289

10 Steps to Maximising the First Ten Days of Dhul Hijjah

http://www.islamicboard.com/umrah-h...ps-maximising-first-ten-days-dhul-hijjah.html

My Daily Ibadah (worship) check!

http://www.islamicboard.com/manners-purification-soul/134289943-my-daily-ibadah-worship-check.html
 
JazakAllah Hamza81 for your wise words. It has made me think alot about what i need to do, i really do want to stop talking to him but i just don't know how to. everytime i stop talking somehow we start talking again even if its after weeks or months, and 'buddy' your right i do want to cut him out but how? i feel like texting him and telling him thats it i dont want to speak anymore whatever happens in our naseeb is down to Allah , do you think this is a good way to do it? im confused i dont want myself getting in this mess, espescially considering that i dont even know whether i want to marry him or not
 
if he wants to marry you ask him to speak to your parents to see if he really means it or if hes just saying that to get what he wants
 
Tell him

"if you want me, you know where to find my dad, unless you make things official and halal I'm not gonna talk to you, because although I like you, I'm not gonna sacrafice jannah for you."

then you'll know how badly he wants you and if he's serious and really wants to marry you. If he doesn't bother phoning ur dad and coming down with his parents he's jus another guy looking for abit of fun in a haraam relationship. then dump him. and find a real man who comes and speaks to your wali.

put him to the test, if he really loves you he'll come down with his parents.
 
Last edited:
peace_2all said:
JazakAllah Hamza81 for your wise words. It has made me think alot about what i need to do, i really do want to stop talking to him but i just don't know how to. everytime i stop talking somehow we start talking again even if its after weeks or months, and 'buddy' your right i do want to cut him out but how? i feel like texting him and telling him thats it i dont want to speak anymore whatever happens in our naseeb is down to Allah , do you think this is a good way to do it? im confused i dont want myself getting in this mess, espescially considering that i dont even know whether i want to marry him or not
Click to expand...

Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, My sister you only feel like texting and calling him because shaythan is whispering you to do so and your desires are also wanting you to do so but we are given free choice to choose between right and wrong and you know that it is completley wrong to continue to be in contact with him when you no it is pointless and will just get you back to square one.

Everytime you get the feeling of texting or calling him then think to yourself that Allah is watching you so would you still contact him with this thought in your mind?

You need to realise that whenever you and him talk then shaythan is also there with you.

You need to stop contact immediatley and realise that most of these relationships never end up anywhere but just end up resulting in pain and wasting a significant amount of time aswell as causing psychological problems and self esteem and trust issues in the future.

Don't you think to yourself that the first relationship you should ever have is with your husband for life? Why would you want to have a relationship with someone who your most likely never going to end up being with? Just because you happened to come across him in life and built a relationship with him it does'nt mean that he is best for you.

In the future when your happily married inshallah you will look back and laugh and think of naive and foolish was i to ever get involved with a relationship like that.

So sister save your own precious time before you have no time left because we can go at ANY second and do you really want to go like this with nothing to show in the hereafter? If not then stop this immediatley and start working towards pleasing Allah and increasing your good deeds and i promise you if you do things the right way then Allah will find you the perfect partner that will truly love and care for you and look after you and lead you towards Jannah and not Jahannam!

It is Allah who finds partners for us in life and will he give you a good partner like this?

So sister let us do things the right way and whatever is best for us will happen!
 

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