Regret my past and now filled with fear :(:(

[noora95]

Salam my sisters! I know this is a long text and I hope you read through it and advice me maybe. May Allah SWT bless you all!

I am in a situation where I am depressed and constantly have fear.
1 year ago I was not how I am today. I did many bad (haram) things and I truly regret it from the bottom of my heart and would do anything to go back in time to change it all. I tried evrything from alcohol to smoking. I was also in a haram relationship with a christian guy and you might have an idea when I say haram.
Anyways I committed bad sins and didnt care about religion or the future, nothing! When I committed these sins first I didnt care and was like "whatever" but then realization hit me. I thought for myself "I cant continue with this. Its not right and it surely dont feel right. I am a muslim and need to behave like one".
That day I went home and I thought over what I was doing and that it was so wrong on so many levels, so I decided that I would cut and stop all the haram stuff I was getting myself involved in.

So I cut off the relationship with the guy and I stopped going even near cigarettes and alcohol. I stopped hanging out with people that also influenced me to do so. I started praying everyday, reading quran and listen to nasheeds rather than music. I really wanted to change my lifestyle and be more close to Allah SWT. This day today im trying to strive after being even better muslim than I was yesterday and I really regret what I did.
I had a period after realizing the **** I did where I almost had a emotional breakdown. I was so depressed and had anxiety because of my past. It felt like all hope was gone and that Allah would never forgive me, and that I would burn in hell for eternity.

I was up every single night praying and crying myself to sleep because it was such a dark period where this anger feelings was so strong I literally wanted to go hang myself. (I would never committ suicide because as a muslim, I know all hopes are out for me if I do so.) But at the moment all I wanted was so dissapear because I felt so dirty, shitty and I was grossed out of myself because of my past. I locked myself up in my room for weeks and just cried and cried and didnt want to even step out of my room. The regret i felt was so strong it was literally sufficating me. I dissapointed Allah SWT and that feeling was the worst and still is today. I still feel bad and regret it.
But alhamdulillah Allah SWT easened my pain a little bit after starting to pray and reciting quran. And im not as depressed like I was couple months ago.

As a muslim girl you all know how it is. Anyways back time when I was dating this christian guy there was this another girl with same nationality as mine. She was a class below and we both have a couple mutual friends so she knows who I am. And I am so afraid that she knows about me dating this christian guy. She also was friends with a couple of my classmates and all my classmates knew who I was dating. So i am really afraid she asked them or they told her.
And the thing is that in two weeks there is this big wedding and my mom is forcing me to go with her. She took the day off at work to go there and she wont take no for an answer.

And I am really scared that this girl will be there too (most definetly she will, because she attends all weddings). If she sees me there and she knows about my "secret" I know she will start talking about me to her girl friends. And you guys know how it is with gossip and girls. And they will start telling others and it will maybe even come to their parents and the parents will tell mine.
If my parents ever get to know this, my father will kill me. He will not spare a breath. So I am really scared and im stressing for every day that passes by.
I tried to tell my mom that I dont want to but she refuses. She is determined that i will go.
Today I had conversation with her about the wedding and me not wanting to go so she asked me "Are you afraid of someone? It looks like you are afraid of someone being there!" And I got nervous and stressing but I couldnt let her know in a million years! so I just replied "No, I just dont feel like. And I dont know any of the people attending". And she was like "You will get new friends there etc".

I am really afraid and scared that she will be there and start talking about me to everyone at the wedding as soon as she lays her eyes on me. (Also I had a minor fight with her 2 years ago, so she probably still hates me and therefore talk about me).
Guys I really need some advice, I cant sleep at night and I pray and pray to Allah to hide my sins from public and protect me from all evil. I am trying my best. I am in fear, really. This cant get to my parents. As muslim girls in such community you know what I am talking about and how muslim fathers can react to hearing about people talking about his daughter as a *****.
ADVICE ME SISTERS

 

[noora95]

No advices

 

[sister herb]

Salam alaykum

Be patient dear sister. Here are many caring sisters whose will give you their advices (but they aren´t here at the moment).

( And I´m too tired to think by English. :embarrass but I make dua that everything goes well in your life.)

 

[aaj]

Most members are UK based, they are either eating dinner right now or doing whatever you do around 8pm.

In the mean time, check this out inshallah:


Sins and its effects : https://islamqa.info/en/23425

 

[AshaAsha]

Dear sister what happened in past u can't change it.....
Allah Ghafooror Raheem bless you.....

Sooner later every thing expose u cannot stop them better to share with your mom ....only Mother can understand you

And try to follow her advice then u will feel good
Bless you

 

[AshaAsha]

Just keep in mind u can change your future then forget about all bad things promise your self do all right things ....

 

[Eric H]

Greetings and peace be with you noora95;

Pray first, then the only advice I can think of, would be to tell your mum on her own. From what you say, it seems your mum is going to hear fairly soon anyway, and it might be better coming from you first.

Anyway, feel free to ignore my suggestion, I don't know your family.

Blessings.
Eric

 

[AshaAsha]

I believe If anyone realise his or her mistake and know where was wrong that's a positive sign for the future .....
Shearing with Mom is good because Sooner later your Mom will know the truth and if it's from someone else then she herts more and will lose faith on you better to tell her.....
It's just a suggestion ,
Bless you

 

[talibilm]

I did not read your post more than few sentences firstly understand that EXPOSING ones sins (even anonymously) is a BIGGER SIN . from here

http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthre...ked-Hadiths-amp-Verses-and-their-Wisdom/page2 post # 55.

SINS OF FAULT FINDING & SPREADING INDECENCY

Even sahabas used to worry about past and present sins which we may not know ourselves . We saw Prophet :saws: used to rush to majid if there was a strong wind thinking Allahs adab or torment has arrived. So Why the sinless one feared too ? Because we all have to fear for Torment of Allah even if we do not do sins since Allah can do anything with us and thats in his power & right but Allah's mercy prevails over his wrath is what Allah says. So Keep hope on Allah too since loosing hope on the mercy of Allah is a trait of Mushrik.

 

[islamirama]

I believe If anyone realise his or her mistake and know where was wrong that's a positive sign for the future .....
Shearing with Mom is good because Sooner later your Mom will know the truth and if it's from someone else then she herts more and will lose faith on you better to tell her.....
It's just a suggestion ,
Bless you

she already betrayed the trust of her family and did all that behind their back. What's there to loose faith about now? they may find out sooner or later from others. Either she can come clean with her mom or she can hope they don't find out at all.

I think she should also go to the wedding. She's better of meeting that person and patching things up with her. This way she can also show that she has changed and not living that kuffar lifestyle anymore and the other girl may be mindful of that and not go around saying about her haram ways.

I did not read more than few sentences firstly understand that EXPOSING ones sins (even anonymously) is a BIGGER SIN . from here

http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthre...ked-Hadiths-amp-Verses-and-their-Wisdom/page2 post # 55.

So what are you suggesting by this post? show this to the girl? that will do very little. People don't care about that when they have beef with you. More over, they'll be like "why do you care about that now, you should've thought of it before you went and did all that. "

Also, there is a difference between exposing sins and revealing the truth. If you go around telling others then you are exposing sins, if someone asks you (let's say for marriage) and you know the truth then you shouldn't lie to them and mislead them either.

 

[talibilm]

@

islamirama

I did not read this full post so jazakallah for handling it .​

 

[noora95]

Guys! Telling my mother is NOT AN OPTION!
I know my mother very well and she is very cultural and traditional. I know 10000% she will never understand and she will go crazy. I will never ever ever tell her in a million years! I cant do it. If i do it im asking for my life to be misarble! She can never know that ai had haram relationship with a guy. She will tell my father and my life will be living hell. So theres really no option for me to tell her.

I also heard that when you do something bad and sin in Islam, but if you truly regret Allah SWT will forgive and conceal your sins from public?

 

[sister herb]

You should stop worring things which haven´t happened and maybe never happen (I mean does this person tells gossips about you or not). It´s hard and difficult but it´s part of our life and growing up process.

You wrote that you had minor fight 2 years ago. 2 years ago: she might forgot your minor fight already - two years is actually a long time (not sure your age but I think you are still quite young) in your age.

If you meet this person in wedding, smile and be friendly. If she starts to talk about your past, tell how happy you are when you have found Islam again and modern way of life. And wish same to her too - friendly of course. Person has to be very hard-hearted if wants to hurt someone who is kind and friendly.

Think that your fear is a test from Allah. Trust Him in this matter and you will learn to trust Him also in every times in your future life when you have problems and fears.

And as I wrote before, I make dua that everything goes well.

 

[noora95]

Thank you for your advice! I know I should just stop worrying about it, but as you say it is hard
If she will attend the wedding I will surely be nice and smile so that she gets that I am over the past and that I dont want any drama around it or anything like that. I am a person who always overthinks and stress myself out.

And thank you very much for taking your time to advice me, and also for making dua for me, I really appriciate it! May Allah SWT bless you

 

[noora95]

You should stop worring things which haven´t happened and maybe never happen (I mean does this person tells gossips about you or not). It´s hard and difficult but it´s part of our life and growing up process.

You wrote that you had minor fight 2 years ago. 2 years ago: she might forgot your minor fight already - two years is actually a long time (not sure your age but I think you are still quite young) in your age.

If you meet this person in wedding, smile and be friendly. If she starts to talk about your past, tell how happy you are when you have found Islam again and modern way of life. And wish same to her too - friendly of course. Person has to be very hard-hearted if wants to hurt someone who is kind and friendly.

Think that your fear is a test from Allah. Trust Him in this matter and you will learn to trust Him also in every times in your future life when you have problems and fears.

And as I wrote before, I make dua that everything goes well.

Thank you for your advice! I know I should just stop worrying about it, but as you say it is hard
If she will attend the wedding I will surely be nice and smile so that she gets that I am over the past and that I dont want any drama around it or anything like that. I am a person who always overthinks and stress myself out.

And thank you very much for taking your time to advice me, and also for making dua for me, I really appriciate it! May Allah SWT bless you

 

[sister herb]

What I like to add, if this person you are worry still remember your fight, be polite and ask sorry if you hurted her. Tell you have grown up and understand you life better. But I am sure you knew this already.

 

[fathima stark]

Shaytan will try to make you think you're too sinful to be forgiven, but remember true believers have hope in the mercy of Allah.

 

[OmAbdullah]

I read your post. Speaking clearly, in the beginning I became scared and worried of a fact that happens due to relations between a man and a woman or girl i.e. pregnancy!!! But later I thought that was not the case. So you must be very thankful to Allah Who has already protected you. Now you are remembring Allah, making salaat and reading Quraan, so you must keep it on and do lots of astaghfaar. Don't tell your mother or any person. If Allah has protected you and has covered you until now, thus Allah azza wa Jall will protect you in future. Trust Allah, obey HIM by salaat and dhikar. Give sadaqah and obligatory charity if due on you. Fear Allah and trust Allah. Surely allah will make a cause to take your grief away insha-Allah. Either due to some reason you will remain away from the wedding or that girl will not be there. Even if she is there she will forget bad things about you and you will be surprised to see that the situation is rather pleasing to you!! Allah is Muqallibal-quloob (the One who chages hearts). So insha -Allah you will be safe and happy. Trust Allah and ask du'aa with full hope. Don't listen to Shaitan who tries to make you hopeless. Remember that lack of good hope from Allah is kufar (unbelief), so get rid of hopelessness. But keep your prayers, pious life and reading and understanding the Holy Quraan. Charity (sadaqah to a poor person removes Allah's anger!

 

[OmAbdullah]

Guys! Telling my mother is NOT AN OPTION!
I know my mother very well and she is very cultural and traditional. I know 10000% she will never understand and she will go crazy. I will never ever ever tell her in a million years! I cant do it. If i do it im asking for my life to be misarble! She can never know that ai had haram relationship with a guy. She will tell my father and my life will be living hell. So theres really no option for me to tell her.

I also heard that when you do something bad and sin in Islam, but if you truly regret Allah SWT will forgive and conceal your sins from public?

I read your post. Speaking clearly, in the beginning I became scared and worried of a fact that happens due to relations between a man and a woman or girl i.e. pregnancy!!! But later I thought that was not the case. So you must be very thankful to Allah Who has already protected you. Now you are remembring Allah, making salaat and reading Quraan, so you must keep it on and do lots of astaghfaar. Don't tell your mother or any person. If Allah has protected you and has covered you until now, thus Allah azza wa Jall will protect you in future. Trust Allah, obey HIM by salaat and dhikar. Give sadaqah and obligatory charity if due on you. Fear Allah and trust Allah. Surely Allah will make a cause to take your grief away insha-Allah. Either due to some reason you will remain away from the wedding or that girl will not be there. Even if she is there she will forget bad things about you and you will be surprised to see that the situation is rather pleasing to you!! Allah is Muqallibal-quloob (the One who chages hearts). So insha -Allah you will be safe and happy. Trust Allah and ask du'aa with full hope. Don't listen to Shaitan who tries to make you hopeless. Remember that lack of good hope from Allah is kufar (unbelief), so get rid of hopelessness. But keep your prayers, pious life and reading and understanding the Holy Quraan. Charity (sadaqah) to a poor person removes Allah's anger!

 

[noora95]

I read your post. Speaking clearly, in the beginning I became scared and worried of a fact that happens due to relations between a man and a woman or girl i.e. pregnancy!!! But later I thought that was not the case. So you must be very thankful to Allah Who has already protected you. Now you are remembring Allah, making salaat and reading Quraan, so you must keep it on and do lots of astaghfaar. Don't tell your mother or any person. If Allah has protected you and has covered you until now, thus Allah azza wa Jall will protect you in future. Trust Allah, obey HIM by salaat and dhikar. Give sadaqah and obligatory charity if due on you. Fear Allah and trust Allah. Surely Allah will make a cause to take your grief away insha-Allah. Either due to some reason you will remain away from the wedding or that girl will not be there. Even if she is there she will forget bad things about you and you will be surprised to see that the situation is rather pleasing to you!! Allah is Muqallibal-quloob (the One who chages hearts). So insha -Allah you will be safe and happy. Trust Allah and ask du'aa with full hope. Don't listen to Shaitan who tries to make you hopeless. Remember that lack of good hope from Allah is kufar (unbelief), so get rid of hopelessness. But keep your prayers, pious life and reading and understanding the Holy Quraan. Charity (sadaqah) to a poor person removes Allah's anger!

Thank you for taking your time to reply to my post!
After reading your advice I feel kind of relief. I am trying my very best to prove Allah that what I did, I truly regret and I repent sincerely everyday.
Yes, Allah already protected me with not making everything worse than it is but you know Shaytan always try to make me lose hope and makes me feel misarble. But thanks to your words I feel much better now and I will do my best at distancing myself from everything that is bad/haram. I hope Allah SWT protects me and hide my sin, inshaallah!