Returning To Allah

[Sabrtheseer]

Peace and Blessings,

I am an African American Muslim woman in crisis. Not a physical crisis, but a deep-seeded crisis of Iman that has existed in my heart for as long as I can recall.

My my parents are both Muslim, coming from Muslim parents who accepted the rhetoric of Islam through the Nation of Islam, and then went on to accept the tenements of Sunni Islam through there devotion and faith, birthing 6 generations of Muslim children and grandchildren. The beliefs and practices of Islam were present, but as with all of humanity, the tests of Shaytaan in a culture filled with greed, sex, and lies permeated into our homes. Our patriarch was a great visionary, pathing the way for hundreds of African American Muslim families to find there way out of Black Nationalism and into the Masajid, but he was also as a man who spent his nights with other women, professionally schemed, and was dishonest with money. Like my family, being black in America was met with degradation and most people acted like animals to survive. These families were delegated to the bottom of society, never embracing there ability to use their relationship with God, as well as their minds and hearts to change their fate... Imprisoned to their own fear.

I am the second generation of 6 generations of African American Muslim children that my family has produced, I’m 25...and I am chronically heavy hearted while unbearably prideful. My parents married and conceived me lawfully, so in my childish mind I guess that should’ve meant that the love they felt for eachother under the protection of Allah should be unbreakable. That’s not how it happened. They split unamicablly, and I was the result. This baby whom was the by- product of two broken Muslim hearts. My mother was filled with anger, but her heart always belonged to Allah. I would watch her cry as she would read Quran to us after Fajr and know that in that moment, no matter who I thought her to be, she was her truest self. My father, wounded and broken hearted, wandered through life until a Sufi Sheik found him and brought him back into the fold of Islam. I waited for Allah to bring my family back together, to heal our bond. He never did. So I got angry. And bitter. And deceitful, because I couldn’t be honest about how I truly felt without being met with reminders to turn to Allah, He will Remove all pain...and that did not reflect in my life at the times that I needed it to. I carried that energy into my decisions, attempting to find solace in Quran and Sunnah, but the actions of the people I loved consistently making me question the validity of it all. And one day I gave in.

I had been secretly living a life of manipulation, sex, deception, and rage for years, like a lot of Muslims, and I got tired of feeling like I was not being my true self, the part of me that drew comfort from Shaytaans bids and wanted to live within the veil of the illusion, completely forgetting and ignoring the part of me that loved Allah more than my own life...but not embracing him through the good and bad times. I misguided myself. I was wrong.

At times, I feel Muslims blame Shaytaan for their actions, not taking responsibility for the tempted, not temptation, inside of each of us that causes our own demise. Shaytaan works by Allahs will, just as everything else in the universe, so it is our own inability to find peace in our hearts that leads to our lack of faith. Most “devout” Muslims claim themselves not to be of the people who have turned away from Allah, but I know the darkness, temptation, pain, and confusion they face and it looks no different than my own, raised in Islam...but still WORLDY. We have been fed a rhetoric that there are people that will be used to tempt us into Shaytaans bidding, and I think that’s an ancient cop-out that’s perpetuated a victim rhetoric and created a lack of accountability, forgiveness, mercy, and unconditional love. I burned the bridges, even if Shaytaan handed me the flame...and now it is time to rebuild those bridges. I turned away from Islam because after a certain point I didn’t feel worthy of Allah’s forgiveness, or that I was even truly receiving it. Truth is I couldn’t forgive myself, so I was unable to feel God’s grace.

I come to this thread today having found myself in another unlawful reality that Allah has blessed me with the eyes to see and rectify, having reached out to my Abu with the intention of re-taking my Shahadah and returning into the folds of Islam. I am still scared, confused, tired, and human...but I know the answers to my trials starts in the heart. Both of my parents were lead to Islam and the lead to each other, and then to me...and I’m tired of questioning the events that happened after the fact. They were the Qudr of Allah. I miss my lord, worshiping him in my flawed way. My heart is softening to knowing Allah has never forsaken me, but this was decreed for me, and I will find Sabr from the storms.

Shukran for reading this long testimony, and if anyone has any advice, insights, resonance, or Hadith that they feel could shed light on my experiences, please feel free to respond, I just needed to release this message at this time. My experiences are mine alone, but I hope they help other Muslims struggling with their shadow selves, Insha’ Allah. Masalaam.

 

['Abdullah]

Peace and Blessings,

I am an African American Muslim woman in crisis. Not a physical crisis, but a deep-seeded crisis of Iman that has existed in my heart for as long as I can recall.

My my parents are both Muslim, coming from Muslim parents who accepted the rhetoric of Islam through the Nation of Islam, and then went on to accept the tenements of Sunni Islam through there devotion and faith, birthing 6 generations of Muslim children and grandchildren. The beliefs and practices of Islam were present, but as with all of humanity, the tests of Shaytaan in a culture filled with greed, sex, and lies permeated into our homes. Our patriarch was a great visionary, pathing the way for hundreds of African American Muslim families to find there way out of Black Nationalism and into the Masajid, but he was also as a man who spent his nights with other women, professionally schemed, and was dishonest with money. Like my family, being black in America was met with degradation and most people acted like animals to survive. These families were delegated to the bottom of society, never embracing there ability to use their relationship with God, as well as their minds and hearts to change their fate... Imprisoned to their own fear.

I am the second generation of 6 generations of African American Muslim children that my family has produced, I’m 25...and I am chronically heavy hearted while unbearably prideful. My parents married and conceived me lawfully, so in my childish mind I guess that should’ve meant that the love they felt for eachother under the protection of Allah should be unbreakable. That’s not how it happened. They split unamicablly, and I was the result. This baby whom was the by- product of two broken Muslim hearts. My mother was filled with anger, but her heart always belonged to Allah. I would watch her cry as she would read Quran to us after Fajr and know that in that moment, no matter who I thought her to be, she was her truest self. My father, wounded and broken hearted, wandered through life until a Sufi Sheik found him and brought him back into the fold of Islam. I waited for Allah to bring my family back together, to heal our bond. He never did. So I got angry. And bitter. And deceitful, because I couldn’t be honest about how I truly felt without being met with reminders to turn to Allah, He will Remove all pain...and that did not reflect in my life at the times that I needed it to. I carried that energy into my decisions, attempting to find solace in Quran and Sunnah, but the actions of the people I loved consistently making me question the validity of it all. And one day I gave in.

I had been secretly living a life of manipulation, sex, deception, and rage for years, like a lot of Muslims, and I got tired of feeling like I was not being my true self, the part of me that drew comfort from Shaytaans bids and wanted to live within the veil of the illusion, completely forgetting and ignoring the part of me that loved Allah more than my own life...but not embracing him through the good and bad times. I misguided myself. I was wrong.

At times, I feel Muslims blame Shaytaan for their actions, not taking responsibility for the tempted, not temptation, inside of each of us that causes our own demise. Shaytaan works by Allahs will, just as everything else in the universe, so it is our own inability to find peace in our hearts that leads to our lack of faith. Most “devout” Muslims claim themselves not to be of the people who have turned away from Allah, but I know the darkness, temptation, pain, and confusion they face and it looks no different than my own, raised in Islam...but still WORLDY. We have been fed a rhetoric that there are people that will be used to tempt us into Shaytaans bidding, and I think that’s an ancient cop-out that’s perpetuated a victim rhetoric and created a lack of accountability, forgiveness, mercy, and unconditional love. I burned the bridges, even if Shaytaan handed me the flame...and now it is time to rebuild those bridges. I turned away from Islam because after a certain point I didn’t feel worthy of Allah’s forgiveness, or that I was even truly receiving it. Truth is I couldn’t forgive myself, so I was unable to feel God’s grace.

I come to this thread today having found myself in another unlawful reality that Allah has blessed me with the eyes to see and rectify, having reached out to my Abu with the intention of re-taking my Shahadah and returning into the folds of Islam. I am still scared, confused, tired, and human...but I know the answers to my trials starts in the heart. Both of my parents were lead to Islam and the lead to each other, and then to me...and I’m tired of questioning the events that happened after the fact. They were the Qudr of Allah. I miss my lord, worshiping him in my flawed way. My heart is softening to knowing Allah has never forsaken me, but this was decreed for me, and I will find Sabr from the storms.

Shukran for reading this long testimony, and if anyone has any advice, insights, resonance, or Hadith that they feel could shed light on my experiences, please feel free to respond, I just needed to release this message at this time. My experiences are mine alone, but I hope they help other Muslims struggling with their shadow selves, Insha’ Allah. Masalaam.

My Dear sister in Islam,

I can't express my joy in words to see that you came back to Allah with a sincere heart. May Allah bless you in both worlds! Ameen

You are truly blessed and I will explain in a little bit why?​

Repentance is the most noble and beloved form of obedience in the eyes of Allah the All Mighty. He loves those who repent. Repentance has a status that no other form of worship has. This is why Allah is extremely happy when a servant repents just as a traveler is happy when he/she finds his lost mount in the desert. Feeling Allah's mercy has its great impact on the heart of the one repenting. Hence, the repenting person reaches the status of being amongst the beloved through his/her repentance.

Right now I can feel the mercy of Allah has showered upon you. Your post is so inspiring and I am glad that you shared it with us. Allah knows the best but may be you came back to Allah due to the seed of faith your mom has sowed in your heart when you were a kid. Hug your mom and thank her from the bottom of your heart for raising you as a Muslim, for teaching you how to read Quran and for teaching you how to talk to Allah.

We all take different journeys and if we don't sin, we will not be remorseful. It is this guilt of our past which becomes a treasure for believers to get close to Allah while praying. It is this guilt of sinning which brings about humbleness and a sense of helplessness to the only Creator; Allah, and that is not easily acquired through other forms of worship.

Allah says in the Qur'an:

Except those who repent, have faith and good deeds, those Allah will change their sins for good deeds. Certainly Allah is most forgiving and merciful. [Qur'an 25:70]

This is a greatest glad tiding for those who repent and combine their repentance with deep faith and good deeds. Just to give you an idea what it means, on the day of Judgement Allah will call each and everyone of His slaves and show them what they have done. He will ask you about every sin you have done and you will accept all your sins. You will feel like you are doomed and will go into hell. But this dialogue will be just between you and Allah. No one else will be shown your bad deeds. After you admit all the sins, Allah will tell you that He has forgiven all your sins and have converted them into good deeds. You will see huge mountains of good deeds which Allah has given you by converting your bad deeds into good deeds just because you repented in this world. On the contrary, Allah will show the bad deeds of non believers to everyone. Everyone will see what evil things a non-believer has done in this world. This is an part of their punishment. May Allah make us among those whose sins Allah will cover in this world and hereafter. Ameen!

Repentance breeds good deeds, whilst sinning (without repentance) can cause deprivation of obedience altogether. It has been said that committing sins regularly will darken and harden the heart and make purifying it once again a difficult mission. It may even lead a person to reject Allah completely (Allah forbid) or lead him to commit a bigger sin. There is no recourse for a sinner except to ask Allah for forgiveness and to feel great regret for his/her actions.

Just remember that repentance is to repent from the heart, to train the heart into obedience and to make a firm resolution never to commit the sin again. Remember your sins every time you stand in front of Allah to pray and I guarantee you that you will feel the presence of God's love and Mercy in your prayers. Blessed are those who sin and repent sincerely. I think it is worth mentioning few names and attributes of Allah as they relate to forgiveness and repentance. Knowing these names help us to know God.


Al-Ghafoor (The Most Forgiving): This name occurs in the Qur’an more than 70 times. There are other names from the same root, such as Ghafir and Ghaffar. The meaning of the Arabic word “ghafara” is to cover, to hide and from it comes the meaning “to excuse,” “to pardon,” “to remit” and “to forgive.” God does all these things. In the Qur’an, it is mentioned that God does not forgive the Shirk (without repentance) but He may forgive every other sin for whomsoever He wills. (4:116) We must turn to God to seek His forgiveness.

2. Al-`Afuw (The Pardoner): This has another part of forgiveness. This name occurs in the Qur’an five times. Literally, the word ‘Afw means “to release,” “to heal,” “to restore,” “to remit.” Thus in relation to God it means “to release us from the burden of punishment due to our sins and mistakes; to restore our honor after we have dishonored ourselves by committing sins and making mistakes.” Sometimes in the Qur’an both names, Afuw and Ghafoor, come together.

3. Al-Tawwab (The Acceptor of Repentance): This name of God is mentioned in the Qur’an about 11 times. Allah accepts repentance of those who sincerely repent and turn to him. The word “tawwab” gives the sense of “oft-returning,” which means that He again and again accepts the repentance. We make sins and mistakes then we repent, He accepts our repentance. Then again we commit sins and make mistakes and when we repent, He again very kindly accepts us and gives us another chance.

4. Al-Haleem (The Clement): This name is mentioned fifteen times in the Qur’an. This means that God is not quick to judgment. He gives time. He forebears and is patient to see His servant return to Him.

5. Al-Rahman and Al-Rahim (The Most Merciful and Compassionate): These names are the most frequent in the Qur’an. Al-Rahman is mentioned 57 times and al-Raheem is mentioned 115 times. Al-Rahman indicates that God’s mercy is abundant and plenty and Al-Raheem indicates that this is always the case with God. God is full of love and mercy and is ever Merciful.

6. Al-Sattar (Hidden, concealed): Among the names of Allah, Sattar is one. It is that Being Who is hidden and concealed and Who covers others’ weaknesses and failings and also likes the act of covering up faults. A hadith expound that Allah likes covering of failings and modesty and covers man’s weaknesses and mistakes. The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah Be on him) said that in the Hereafter sheltering man with His mercy God will ask man if he did such and such deed. Man will confess that yes, he did. God will say I covered your fault on that day and I cover your fault again. This is the Loving God Who forgives and covers weaknesses.

I love Islam, Alhamdulillah Allah choose us to be the Muslims even though we don't deserve to be one. Islam is such a blessing that its true reward can only be realized after death and on the day of resurrection.
May Allah help us to remain firm on Islam and help us to increase in Imaan (faith). Ameen!
:wa:

 

[BeTheChange]

Asalamualykum

Alhamdulilah for having the wisdom, the intellect, the courage and the yearning to turn back to Allah swt. We are all sinners, we all sin in different ways and on different levels but we must all constantly and consistently turn back to Allah swt.

Shaytaan is very clever and very deceiving. He can easily trick us and play on our emotions. He will make us question how Allah swt can possibly love us when we are suffering in this dunya etc. One thing i do know is we must never give up. Never give up until the final breath is taken away from us.

Spend time to heal yourself sister. Heal yourself through the wisdom of islam. Reach out to the people you love, your family and community and become an asset to them insha Allah. Be productive for the devil loves an idle mind. Equip yourself with daily duas and insha Allah they will inspire and guide you.

I know this sister is controversial for some but please take the good insha Allah

 

[m.zakria]

Asalamualykum

Alhamdulilah for having the wisdom, the intellect, the courage and the yearning to turn back to Allah swt. We are all sinners, we all sin in different ways and on different levels but we must all constantly and consistently turn back to Allah swt.

Shaytaan is very clever and very deceiving. He can easily trick us and play on our emotions. He will make us question how Allah swt can possibly love us when we are suffering in this dunya etc. One thing i do know is we must never give up. Never give up until the final breath is taken away from us.

Spend time to heal yourself sister. Heal yourself through the wisdom of islam. Reach out to the people you love, your family and community and become an asset to them insha Allah. Be productive for the devil loves an idle mind. Equip yourself with daily duas and insha Allah they will inspire and guide you.

I know this sister is controversial for some but please take the good insha Allah

She is really a nice women and always an inspiration for me..