Saying No without insulting?

[AlbanianMuslim]

:wa:

I have a bit of a dilemma.

I have an offer from a man who i was introduced to by my fathers cousin. We have not spoken or gotten to know each other yet because i told my dads cousin i wanted to wait till my mom came back from visiting her relatives. They agreed to wait.

My mother comes back on Friday inshallah.

Unexpectedly i received an offer from a young man who goes to my cousins Masjid. He is religious elhmadullah and wants to raise a family with the morals and values dicated by Islam.
I am very interested but im not sure what to do seeing as the other man is waiting for me to get to know him. So i told my second offer that i will let him know sometime in the future if its ok to get to know me better.


The other man, as far as i know, isnt very religious. Should i wait to talk to him after my mom comes home and find out if he is?
I dont think he is. Im almost sure of it, and if he isnt, i plan on saying No.


The problem is....how do i say no to the first guy (if that ends up being my final decision in regards to him) without insulting him or my fathers cousin?
What can i say?
I dont want to say its because of religion, because well, my dads cousin isnt religious at all and he wouldnt understand. Id prefer to say something that keeps my true reason to myself.
I dont think they will be really insulted if i say no, but im afraid fo my dads cousins daughter who has been meddling here and there a bit. I finally managed to distance myself enough from her, but i fear her hositility towards me will grow if/when i say no to the set up her father is trying to help make happen.




Sorry if this is long or confusing. I just dont want to insult them, and my heart is telling me that i dont think i will take it further with the first one because i cant see myself with someone who doesnt embrace islam.
I tried that once, (was engaged before, some of you may recall) and it ended badly and part of the conflict with my ex was that i wanted to follow islamic tradition and he did not. I dont want to go through that again.

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

The problem is....how do i say no to the first guy (if that ends up being my final decision in regards to him) without insulting him or my fathers cousin?
What can i say?
I dont want to say its because of religion, because well, my dads cousin isnt religious at all and he wouldnt understand. Id prefer to say something that keeps my true reason to myself.

i thought with proposals, the parents are the ones who tell the girl/guy that there isn't a chance, not the potential couple themselves?

anyway, just say your not my type :?

I dont think they will be really insulted if i say no, but im afraid fo my dads cousins daughter who has been meddling here and there a bit. I finally managed to distance myself enough from her, but i fear her hositility towards me will grow if/when i say no to the set up her father is trying to help make happen.

it has nothing to do with her, so try not let it get to you...i mean people are gonna say and do weird things either way...let me just put it this way: you cant satisfy everyone....people will never shut up

 

[AnonymousPoster]

I don't know about what happened with you in the past and hence can't comment on that. I think based on your past you can say that you don't want to get married for the next few weeks/months and are seriously looking for a practising Muslim.

Uqbah bin Amir (ra) reported by Allah's messenger said "A believer is a brother to another believer. It is not permissable for a believer to negotiate a deal that his brother is negotiating, nor propose to a woman to whom is brother is proposing - until he leaves."

Based on that hadeeth, I don't know what to say about the brother who came second to propose to you unless he didn't know about the other guy.

Actually, tell your father about your intentions and also about the second brother, he's your wali and you'll need his permission to get married. If your father likes the guy, he'll take care of your uncle and everything else. It might create disturbance in the family but it won't stay for long. My father had once arranged a marriage for a cousin of mine but the family refused because they didn't want to get her married so soon. She's married to another brother today and I didn't see any contempt from my father for them.

The best way would be for you to make the pious brother live up to your parents' standards.

 

[AlbanianMuslim]

Thanks

Well, my past experience was rough. It was arranged, the man who proposed claimed to be a religious muslim, but i found out through a series of events that he was pretending to be so that my father would agree to it as well as myself.

Um-ul-shaheed....i do believe that in true Islam, some of the more well learned posters can correct me if im wrong, the ultimate decision should be with the two people who may end up married. My father approves/disproves of men who come to ask, and based on who he approves of, i am then given the chance to say yes or no based on my personal choice. If its someone my father does not want me to see, it ends there, i do not even see them or get to know them.


As far as the second guy, he did not know the first was asking. When someone asks, my parents and i keep it private from people until a final decision is made.
The second guy i met at a Islamic Charity Event, i told him i need time because there are other things going on. He is keeping his distance, very respectful young man.


Thanks to both of you, yes your right Shaheed, people will always talk! silly me to worry about that, sometimes i fall into old habits!


I spoke to my dad today, i told him that if the first one isnt religious at the level that i am, i do not wish to take it further. My father nodded and said Elhamdullah and told me not to worry, Allah swt will guide us towards the right choice. I felt very good after speaking to him. Sometimes all we need is a little reminder that its out of our hands in the end!

Thanks!