Dear sister be notin despair, many of us go through the same thing, but you have to bare in mind one thing, i at one point was going through the exact same thing and i easily used to get in despair and think that Allah swt has cursed me, but it is only yourself and the things that set you back is you yourself, of course the Shaytaan has a big part to play in it but then again every soul bares the burden of its own sins, shaytaan is nothing but a open enemy to us and it is you that is letting his whispers grasp you and follow them.
the most important thing is the company that you are around, it makes a great difference. Qur'an Surah 37
28. They will say: "It was you who used to come to us from the right side [i.e. from the right side of one of us and beautify for us every evil, order us for polytheism, and stop us from the truth i.e. Islâmic Monotheism and from every good deed]."
29. They will reply: "Nay, you yourselves were not believers.
30. "And we had no authority over you. Nay! But you were transgressing people (disobedient, polytheists, and disbelievers).
31. "So now the Word of our Lord has been justified against us, that we shall certainly (have to) taste (the torment).
32. "So we led you astray because we were ourselves astray."
33. Then verily, that Day, they will (all) share in the torment.
The one and only thing that will help you from the start and the 1st step that you should take is maintaining your salah, cos your salah is your purification from your soul.
At first when i started it was so hard for me and i used to become lazy and miss one here or there and do them late but Alhumdullilah one thing i didnt fully do was give up and go back to my old ways, and the only thing that helped me in order to do this was always remembering that Allah swt is watching me without a single millisecond amiss.
then you will find that InshaAllah by just keeping steadfast to your salah you naturally abstain yourself and keep away from things that are wrong, even if they are bad habits,
before i fully embraced islam Alhumdulilah i had many bad habits MANY!
I was a muslim british who followed the way of the kafir more than the true path.
MashaAllah as soon as i became steadfast to salah i naturally no longer wanted to carry on with my old life, the sukoon that my salah would give me going out with friends drinking and partying never gave me and never will i was doing nothing but wronging my own soul. I naturally cut away from my wild party girlfriends and to be honest with you had NO FRIENDS!!! but the most amazing thing is that i was so at peace cos i had Him swt and never once felt lonely or in need of friends. my friends would call me and beg me to go out do this and do that but the temptation didnt even appeal to me no more.
Cos i have found what nothing in this world is capable of giving me and i wouldnt lose it for nothing!
Many years down the line i still ask Allah swt for forgiveness for the things that i did then.
it takes time so you need to be patient but remember that the easiest and more appealing path is the deviating path but the true path is slightly harder but more rewarding and you always have to ask in dua for Allah swt to guide you to the straight path and make it easy for you to follow it.
and please sister never make the mistake of treating submission to Allah and fully turning to Him like a diet, where we promise ourselves we'll start on monday 1st day of the week or tomorrow, cos u never know that tomorrow may never come.
I pray that InshaAllah Allah swt does give you that guidance, i have no idea where you are conversing from but in less than 20mins is maghrib salah, so why dont you start from that InshaAllah.
