Seeing a man who wanted to stop sinning

[Shams11]

We were both married to others when we met, but my husband had already asked me for divorce once, and my marriage soon ended. This man had moved very far (Washington) from his family and told me he hadn’t slept with his wife in a few years so they were essentially separated when we met.

Well this man and I became sexually involved (I know it is horrible, please keep reading). From my Western background I started asking why he wouldn’t post us on Instagram or call me his girlfriend. He explained that in his culture you do not date. A few times he’d stop sleeping with me and say he just wanted to be a person my child, and his child, could be proud of. Then he would lapse back. Then he started asking if I would convert to Islam (I certainly would) and saying we shouldn’t be sleeping together. Then we’d do it again. Finally he says he can’t keep sinning with sex outside of marriage.

he says he is very torn up over breaking apart his family/changing his family forever and thought he could just move on but can’t. And he isn’t interested in romance or love or remarriage anymore. He has been spending all his time alone (I guess that’s easier now in a pandemic) except for Having me, and sometimes my child, come over. He wants to see me multiple times every week. Not a day goes by that he doesn’t contact me a few times a day, and he says I’m very special and no one else ever has or will set foot in his house.

now where do I stand? I want to be more than friends, even... in fact once a long time ago he made a comment in jest that Muslim men can have multiple wives and if I’m honest I would even do that. But certainly it seems he only wants to be friends, but I can’t help but feel it’s more special because of the frequency of contact and that this person truly chooses not to see or spend time with anyone else, male or female, whatsoever.

i do not wish to keep having premarital sex if it’s haram and that’s a closed case. But I also don’t want to spend the rest of my life without sex.

 

[*charisma*]

If he is not actually divorced from his wife, then he isn't just having pre-marital sex with you but he is also engaged in extramarital sex which is worse. If you are sincere in becoming a Muslim, then I suggest you cut contact off with him and learn about Islam independently and understand how a Muslim is supposed to be. He had the option of doing everything the correct way beforehand and instead chose to do it wrongly, wronging you and wronging his wife. To be honest, why would he commit to you when you gave him what he wanted for free? He left his family so why would he accept responsibility for another one when he could just exploit the pleasures from it and then kick you to the curb when it suited him? It sounds that he is just lonely now and needs companionship. There may be other things going on that you have no idea about. He has too many issues especially if he is having conflicted feelings and is not manning up to his responsibilities as a father and husband. He is old enough to know right from wrong and I don't think you should look at him as an ideal partner. Put your feelings aside and use your head.

 

[Studentofdeed]

Hello sister, this person does not seem.sincere. You deserve someone better and just focus on yourself. This man is not a good man since he won't take charge. Become a Muslim for yourself not him because in the end Allah is who is with us when everyone leaves.

 

[Shams11]

Thank you, such good advice- that only Allah is with us in the end!
what do you mean by “he won’t take charge”? I have to agree that he is handling things very poorly, but perhaps I assumed he’ll “come around” and is trying to do things the right way with me since he’s stopped being intimate with me yet is very emotionally so, always wanting me and my child to come over and being involved in daily life. I don’t know

 

[Al-Ansariyah]

Thank you, such good advice- that only Allah is with us in the end!
what do you mean by “he won’t take charge”? I have to agree that he is handling things very poorly, but perhaps I assumed he’ll “come around” and is trying to do things the right way with me since he’s stopped being intimate with me yet is very emotionally so, always wanting me and my child to come over and being involved in daily life. I don’t know

u should realize that adultery is a major sin. If he divorces his wife for a strong reason and marries u ,then it's fine. Otherwise it's totally not permissible for u both to involve sexually.
And I think it's not allowed in Christianity too.
Just like brother said....become muslim for urself, keep gud intention.. U will literally love everything about islam. And don't be in contact with this man until he tries to get u in a halal way. Repent to Allah . Indeed He forgives all sins.

And when u'll become muslim , strive towards the path of righteousness, Allah will unite u with someone deserving. Allah makes pairs. So u don't have to worry. Even if u r from the west and he is from the east, Allah will make a way.
So embrace islam, be patient and wait for the one.

 

[Imraan]

We were both married to others when we met, but my husband had already asked me for divorce once, and my marriage soon ended. This man had moved very far (Washington) from his family and told me he hadn’t slept with his wife in a few years so they were essentially separated when we met.

Well this man and I became sexually involved (I know it is horrible, please keep reading). From my Western background I started asking why he wouldn’t post us on Instagram or call me his girlfriend. He explained that in his culture you do not date. A few times he’d stop sleeping with me and say he just wanted to be a person my child, and his child, could be proud of. Then he would lapse back. Then he started asking if I would convert to Islam (I certainly would) and saying we shouldn’t be sleeping together. Then we’d do it again. Finally he says he can’t keep sinning with sex outside of marriage.

he says he is very torn up over breaking apart his family/changing his family forever and thought he could just move on but can’t. And he isn’t interested in romance or love or remarriage anymore. He has been spending all his time alone (I guess that’s easier now in a pandemic) except for Having me, and sometimes my child, come over. He wants to see me multiple times every week. Not a day goes by that he doesn’t contact me a few times a day, and he says I’m very special and no one else ever has or will set foot in his house.

now where do I stand? I want to be more than friends, even... in fact once a long time ago he made a comment in jest that Muslim men can have multiple wives and if I’m honest I would even do that. But certainly it seems he only wants to be friends, but I can’t help but feel it’s more special because of the frequency of contact and that this person truly chooses not to see or spend time with anyone else, male or female, whatsoever.

i do not wish to keep having premarital sex if it’s haram and that’s a closed case. But I also don’t want to spend the rest of my life without sex.

Salaam Sister, sorry but with all you and him got going on... my opinion: do right for yourself, your child(ren), your family, your religion. Some people just don't deserve a second chance like that and old habits do die hard... if he was a practicing man you wouldn't be where you are right now contemplating such questions.

you do know that if you want the best for this life, you need to look at yourself first and set a direction, a more righteous direction, then follow it and find someone similar minded with similar expectations.

I sincerely hope all this premarital/extramarital physical stuff is not something you can tolerate (it's totally wrong, theres nothing justifiable or correct about it even if it does meet some of your needs or even his! in either islam or christianity), you should avoid it furthermore else you will regret it at some point if you haven't already, you may only realise when what you planned doesn't actually go your way.

hard facts i'm afraid, this is all wrong and we can only guide you in doing the right thing, you should seek guidance according to your faith (or even ours if you want to convert) if you want to follow a better path, thats what most of us here on this forum try to do... so that it can benefit our wellbeing in all aspects of our life... God willing.

i don't want to judge you, most of us here do stray / or have strayed from a better path spiritually however its important to get back on the straight path without haste as eventually you will realise somewhere along the line as you live your life. Better early than late eh Shams?

I hope you will make a better decision for the wellbeing of yourself and your family unit... according to the morals and guidance of the religion you follow.

 

[Shams11]

Thank you very much... what would be the righteous decision? Things with my husband are far past point of no return, and I did feel I had a future with this man, but considering he (unlike me) didn’t officially end things with his spouse before becoming involved with me... it sounds like there isn’t really a good way forward with him specifically, even if he claims to have changed and not want to have extramarital sex anymore but still see me all the time?

 

[Shams11]

Now he wants me to celebrate Ramadan with him.

 

[CuriousonTruth]

Now he wants me to celebrate Ramadan with him.

You can't celebrate Ramadan. It's not some kind of festival, although it's a convenient time for families where there's not much communication to come together, especially in iftar.

But i all seriousness, atleast this month, both you and him should stay far, far away from each other. He already crossed way too many lines.

 

[Shams11]

He just means for us to break fast and pray together.
so do you think this sounds like a bad idea since his track record is that he wants to have sex with me? We’ve been seeing each other consistently without doing that for about a month

 

[Imraan]

Thank you very much... what would be the righteous decision? Things with my husband are far past point of no return, and I did feel I had a future with this man, but considering he (unlike me) didn’t officially end things with his spouse before becoming involved with me... it sounds like there isn’t really a good way forward with him specifically, even if he claims to have changed and not want to have extramarital sex anymore but still see me all the time?

From an islamic point of view, he should either a) help you convert first, then pledge his full commitment to you, wed you by nikkah (and even the ceremony in accordance to the land you live in for completeness), so that takes care of the zina (adultery/fornication/unlawful sex) issue and give you your rights islamically and you should give him his... this then becomes the lawful marital journey for you both religiously speaking or b) given he shows no signs of committing to you marriage wise, he should leave you (or you leave him as its not going anywhere productive according to our religion... waste of time, his and yours). This male/female contact is just wrong, there has to be a MOTIVE behind why he wants to spend time with you, it cant stay like this forever though can it?

If you were a MUSLIM @Shams11 the righteous decision would be to leave him and move on, you've already sinned with him, does he deserve a chance?, is his character worth trusting? does he deserve to be given a opportunity to exploit your vulnerabilities, is he likely to stick to an agreed plan, you have to decide based on what his character is like although people can change from one extreme to another, this 'friends with benefits' type lifestyle isnt allowed in our religion. Some might even say if you really like him and he likes you, get married and repent for your past with a hope Allah swt straightens things out for you... islamically when looking for a spouse its better to seek out someone who is god fearing, has good character as opposed to someone just meeting the physical need in the past you talk about. Is there any compatibility between you two? do you think you can live with him, is he in control of his actions, is he a hypocrite?............... are you? (sorry but sometimes when we really want something we try and self justify it just so we can accept the path that we are on is correct)

Don't know what to say from a christian point of view.. sorry. But the framework around marriage and being with the opposite gender can't be that different right?
I know this interfaith stuff is difficult, too many conflicts unless you can live with it but in the eyes of our lord, you both have to answer for it.... i have a pakistani muslim friend married to a french christian by civil marriage only, they have one daughter, they've had issues but they've been married 9 years,. they're still together... but in terms of religion, how valid is their marriage in both the christian faith or islamic faith i can only hazard a guess which I think i know the answer to. Everyone will have to answer for their decisions at some point..... judgement day

If in doubt of anything substantial or religiously worthwhile......... abandon and move on!

In terms of religion it's down to individuals anyway.... 'how deep is your faith and how pious do you want to be?' ... better to leave the world a pious person, you wont live forever!

 

[Shams11]

Thank you so much! I really like your advice that “he should leave you (or you leave him as its not going anywhere productive according to our religion... waste of time, his and yours). This male/female contact is just wrong, there has to be a MOTIVE behind why he wants to spend time with you, it cant stay like this forever though can it?”

Agree! We had an incredible attraction, but now that he no longer wishes to have extramarital sex (which I’m glad about because I know how wrong it was), I expected that he’d stop trying to see me and my child. I never contact him or ask to see him, after all. He says he feels responsibility to help my child grow up with a good example of faith, and as I said now is asking me to have iftar with him and pray. While this all sounds great in theory, I don’t see how this sort of friendship really makes any sense.

 

[*charisma*]

Thank you so much! I really like your advice that “he should leave you (or you leave him as its not going anywhere productive according to our religion... waste of time, his and yours). This male/female contact is just wrong, there has to be a MOTIVE behind why he wants to spend time with you, it cant stay like this forever though can it?”

Agree! We had an incredible attraction, but now that he no longer wishes to have extramarital sex (which I’m glad about because I know how wrong it was), I expected that he’d stop trying to see me and my child. I never contact him or ask to see him, after all. He says he feels responsibility to help my child grow up with a good example of faith, and as I said now is asking me to have iftar with him and pray. While this all sounds great in theory, I don’t see how this sort of friendship really makes any sense.

I also say this that for the sake of your daughter, you shouldn't make it a normal thing for her to be around any man at a young age other than family. This could give her the wrong idea and allow her to trust people too easily. It is much safer for the both of you to just walk away from this. The fact of the matter is that you can't teach someone to do the right things in the wrong way. He can't teach you or your daughter about Ramadan or Islam if he is not upholding it correctly himself. Because it is Ramadan, he should be thinking about his children who are spending it without their father, and he should be focusing on his own worship in becoming a better person in front of Allah. If he can do this to his own kids and even to his own self, then there's no words that should ever make you believe that he is the right type of person for you since actions speak louder than words.

I have to agree with what was said above. You need to take some time away from all of this and think about the type of person you are and the type of person you should be with. Don't let your emotions get involved. You made a mistake and we all learn from our mistakes, but you have a chance to understand what you and your daughter deserve and not settle for anything less.