Seek happiness

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softheart

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Assallamualaikum,
I'm in need of advice, as I'm deeply depressed, only Allah knows. I married a honest Mulim man thinking that this is enough. But in real life marriage is more than that. I'm very miserable in this marriage and want divorce but afraid and dont know what to do. Many times people tell me about "patience and perseverance" people do not know the reality that I face. I have been married for over 2 years and whats keep it going is my savings that keep life normal and covered.
To continue with this marriage will make me lose my mind. So Allah as my witness I NEED divorce, but I dont know how and weak to go through.
Problems are my husband has never and can never provide me with allowance, his wages barely cover bills (rent, used car, cable, utilities, car insurance), so every month I withdraw my savings to cover every groceries, and some bills, and even rent, at times when he not earning. This going on for over 2 years so my savings is almost gone. Soon I will not have money to buy shampoo.
I have worked for over 20 years when I was single, I prefer to be housewife, and also I could not find job. The future will be the same, I have to cover living expenses including buying clothes for my husband. The worst is he do not appreciate me, issues that important to him is unrelevant to me (and most people) but issues that are important to me doesnt not care.
This marriage is serving him than me, and I am just a loser. I cannot go to the local Imam to talk about it - it would be embarassament for both of us. Although he said I can just leave, it is not safe for me to pack in front of him or even truly discuss that I want to leave. The bottomline is I cannot be useful to him anymore, I am broke, tired and losing my spirit for the future. Tell me what to do.
 
Khula’: definition and how it is done
​

Q.What is khula and what is the correct procedure? If the husband does not want to divorce the wife, can the divorce still happen? What about in societies like America, where women who don’t like their husbands (in some case, because the husbands are religious). The women think that they have the freedom that if they don’t like the men, they can divorce them.

A.Praise be to Allaah.

Khula’ means the separation of the wife in return for a payment; the husband takes the payment and lets his wife go, whether this payment is the mahr which he gave to her, or more or less than that.

The basic principle concerning this is the verse in which Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“And it is not lawful for you (men) to take back (from your wives) any of your Mahr (bridal-money given by the husband to his wife at the time of marriage) which you have given them, except when both parties fear that they would be unable to keep the limits ordained by Allaah (e.g. to deal with each other on a fair basis). Then if you fear that they would not be able to keep the limits ordained by Allaah, then there is no sin on either of them if she gives back (the Mahr or a part of it) for her Al-Khul‘ (divorce)”

[al-Baqarah 2:229]

The evidence for that from the Sunnah is that the wife of Thaabit ibn Qays ibn Shammaas (may Allaah be pleased with him) came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and said, “O Messenger of Allaah, I do not find any fault with Thaabit ibn Qays in his character or his religious commitment, but I do not want to commit any act of kufr after becoming a Muslim.” The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to her, “Will you give back his garden?” Because he had given her a garden as her mahr. She said, “Yes.” The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to Thaabit: “Take back your garden, and divorce her.”

(Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5273).

From this case the scholars understood that if a woman cannot stay with her husband, then the judge should ask him to divorce her by khula’; indeed he should order him to do so.

With regard to the way in which it is done, the husband should take his payment or they should agree upon it, then he should say to her “faaraqtuki” (I separate from you) or “khaala’tuki (I let you go), or other such words.

Talaaq (i.e., divorce) is the right of the husband, and does not take place unless it is done by him, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Talaaq is the right of the one who seizes the leg (i.e., consummates the marriage)” i.e., the husband. (Narrated by Ibn Maajah, 2081; classed as hasan by al-Albaani in Irwa’ al-Ghaleel, 2041).

Hence the scholars said that whoever is forced to divorce his wife by talaaq wrongfully, and divorces her under pressure, then his divorce is not valid. See al-Mughni, 10/352.

With regard to what you mention, that a woman in your country might arrange her own divorce through the man-made laws, if this is for a reason for which it is permissible to seek a divorce, such as disliking her husband, not being able to stay with him or disliking him because of his immoral ways and indulgence in haraam actions, etc., there is nothing wrong with her seeking divorce, but in this case she should divorce him by khula’ and return to him the mahr that he gave to her.

But if she is seeking divorce for no reason, then that is not permissible and the court ruling on divorce in this case does not count for anything in terms of sharee’ah. The woman still remains the wife of the man. This gives rise to a new problem, which is that this woman is regarded as a divorcee in the eyes of the (man-made) law, and can re-marry after her ‘iddah ends, but in fact she is still a wife and not a divorcee.

Shaykh Muhammad ibn Saalih al-‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah have mercy on him) was asked about a similar matter and said:

Now we have a problem. The fact that she is still married to him means that she cannot marry anyone else, but according to the court ruling she is apparently divorced from him, and when her ‘iddah ends she can re-marry. I think that the only way out of this problem is that good and righteous people should get involved in this matter, to bring about reconciliation between the man and his wife. Otherwise she has to give him some payment, so that it will be a proper shar’i khula’.

Liqa’ al-baab al-Maftooh by Shaykh Muhammad ibn ‘Uthaymeen, no. 54; 3/174.

Islam Q&A

http://www.islamqa.com/en/ref/26247
 
Thank you brother for your advice.
Although I want divorce, but I'm just an ordinary Muslim women who trying hard to obey Allah everyday and prepare for the end of life. I always appreciate my husband as a person obedient to prayers. That is why I marry him, so I overlook other details and also ignorant about life in America. In my humble personality I did not accept any gift, mahyr (cash or assets) from him, EXCEPT a ring he bought after almost a year of marriage.
I thought that I could use my savings SLOWLY and cover my personal purchase, and not to burden him. It turns out, I am burden with general living expenses. Not only not getting anything from him, but also I have to cover his needs, (until I withdrawn all cash out).
My confusion is because I am divided between selfish and sacrifice. It has came to my mind that, if I have a job, living separated from him, put together some money and give him, is "cheaper" than be incharge of covering living expenses in the marriage. I hope to live simple, single, save for my retirement. I cannot afford to be taken for granted to make my husband life complete while mine empty.
The problem is my husband cannot have a peaceful discussion about separation and divorce. His shouts, curse and tell me to LEAVE NOW, even in the middle of night. Even if I leave him the ring and a little money to begin with, I am afraid of his ego that he will throw it away.
Either way I feel trapped, confuse, guilty, and sinful??(to seek happiness and security).
 
softheart said:
Assallamualaikum,
I'm in need of advice, as I'm deeply depressed, only Allah knows. I married a honest Mulim man thinking that this is enough. But in real life marriage is more than that. I'm very miserable in this marriage and want divorce but afraid and dont know what to do. Many times people tell me about "patience and perseverance" people do not know the reality that I face. I have been married for over 2 years and whats keep it going is my savings that keep life normal and covered.
To continue with this marriage will make me lose my mind. So Allah as my witness I NEED divorce, but I dont know how and weak to go through.
Problems are my husband has never and can never provide me with allowance, his wages barely cover bills (rent, used car, cable, utilities, car insurance), so every month I withdraw my savings to cover every groceries, and some bills, and even rent, at times when he not earning. This going on for over 2 years so my savings is almost gone. Soon I will not have money to buy shampoo.
I have worked for over 20 years when I was single, I prefer to be housewife, and also I could not find job. The future will be the same, I have to cover living expenses including buying clothes for my husband. The worst is he do not appreciate me, issues that important to him is unrelevant to me (and most people) but issues that are important to me doesnt not care.
This marriage is serving him than me, and I am just a loser. I cannot go to the local Imam to talk about it - it would be embarassament for both of us. Although he said I can just leave, it is not safe for me to pack in front of him or even truly discuss that I want to leave. The bottomline is I cannot be useful to him anymore, I am broke, tired and losing my spirit for the future. Tell me what to do.
Click to expand...

:sl: my sister you should not feel that it is embarresing to go to your local imaam or scholar. If you want then you should try and find another scholar in your locality because you really do need scholarly advice on this matter as it is a major issue. The sooner you find one the quicker this can be resolved. Sister put your pride away and go to the local imaam. If not then tell me what town your from and i can try and locate one for you to contact although i am from UK i can try my best to do that for you. I really do hope inshallah your matter is resolved. But whatever happens rely on Allah and have full hope, faith and reliance in him for he is there for you always and in EVERY situation.

:wa:
 
sister your husband has a responsibility to spend money upon you,if you feel that he will never behave as a responsible then i would suggest you to tell him that you are not happy with that and you can get divorce
 

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