Something is coming please help me. I have no idea why

[anonymous]

Assalamu alaykum. Anyone who sees this, please take the time to read. I am your sister who severely needs your help

I have no idea whats gotten into me and I am so scared Im crying as I write this too I dont understand whats going on with my head. Please read and help me. I know you guys get a lot of advice posts with stuff like this, but this is a very unusual case. I dont know what went wrong!

I am a female. Two years ago I became religious. I was someone who loved the jahilliya life and I was addicted to bad music and I wanted to become a musician. Very westernized life.

Alhamdulilah I became religious and put on modest hijab and body cover, cut music out forever, stayed away from this bad entertainment industry, learned arabic and quran. (still learning arabic tho its hard lol). Would wake up early before fajr too to recite quran. I have a hadith collection I reaad too.

When I first became religious I did miss my old life and I got memories but eventually I became strong in faith. I saw the evil in these things. and i became happy.

about almost a year ago I started getting doubts and evil thoughts towards religion. It effected me severely. I started disliking religion. But once again alhamdulilah i defeated the struggle and now iget doubts but i push them away easy with the help of Allah.

about a month ago, I did a very evil private sin and I dont know why. It was probably desire.But there was something weird that happened. I ended up enjoying feeling evil while I was doing the act. I felt so rebellious. It felt like I did it out of anger. But i did cry and repent and made an oath to never do it. I had no idea what hit me that day.

... Then sometime after, i broke the oath and I did it again. I never had that rebellious feeling but I think i became hopeless in restraining my desire so i fell for it. But this one was even worse. I did it at night and i was going to make ghusl so i could pray but i never shower at night and my sister was very suspicious. I didnt want her to figure out, i lied to her and i said i prayed isha. then i went to sleep and skipped it and i prayed it late in the morning with fajr.

I have never intentionally skipped a prayer (except for 3 times when i was a beginner muslim, my parents wouldnt let me pray outside and they forced me to come home and my prayer was late. I repented and never did that again though)

I would always pray no mater what even if iwas at school. I had never done this before.

So i cried once again and repented. but i started to feel hopeless because I knew the temptation door is now open because of what i committed.

...
Yesterday. It happened again. But I never even had that much sexual desire I feel like I could have held back yet I still did it. and after a bit, I started watching bad things too which was something I never really cared for... I ended up skipping my prayer because I was "busy" with what I was doing. Then I started listenning to music in the process! what the heck?! and i stopped and I repented. This time i wasnt crying. But i still felt very guilty. I prayed my prayer and soon after isha I wanted to sleep.

But i pulled out my phone. And i went on youtube, I searched up --- ( I never liked any kpop except this one. Basically they look very good, dance very sexually, and sing very well. But their music was a big fitna especially because the beats and sounds they used triggered very intense emotion for me like no other song. They have become very famous all over the world even in saudi they performed once. Music itself is alluring, but this type of music really triggered weird emotions all the time for me that I could not explain. I used to listen to them so much in the old days and I would ever get tired. Their music REALLY brings you away from reality like no other.)

So i pulled out my phone, I started listening to one of their old songs. And watching their choreography dance video along with it. I just kept watching because I felt so hypnotized and pulled. Im not even over exaggerating. It must be cause i havent listened to music for so long and then i just heard it.

There have been other times where I have been exposed to their music but i automatically would realize its wrong and i would try not to be moved by it..

But as i was watching their video, i felt and intense rush so i couldnt pull away . I also felt confused while watching it. My phone died really quickly. I snapped out and took that as a sign, repented and went to sleep.

This morning Im half asleep and im trying to wake up. I start hearing their voices playing over and over again (sometimes when i first wake up, I can hear sounds. Its a phenomenon that happens when you are transitioning out of sleep. These sounds are much more emotionally triggering in the half sleep phase. There were times where i think I heard quran or nasheeds during this phase and it was very beautiful!). Instead of hearing random voices, i kept hearing their singing and it started getting to me. I got out of bed and was fully awake so it stopped.


I started doing my things, I even read hadith that morning. but soon I pulled my phone out and i started listening. And watching their dancing. I felt so pulled into it again. I started wearing earbuds and listening to it for like an hour! I dont know what happened! and I started getting so many memories of my oldd life. I started thinking about taking off hijab and going back to my old life!?! Listening to their music started making me feel like there is no God aoothibillah. Like there is no more hope in God.


But there is more. In their music, there is a lot of satanic symbolism. In the lyrics and the videos. The way they make it seem though, so sweet. With their hints.

I started watching their music videos. They show very bad signs. In one of their videos it shows christianity references but then pushes it down for satanism. There were very subtlemsigns of one of the boys in the video selling his soul to the devil by kissing the statue and then everything starts falling apart but then by then its hopeless and they will keep on going with their life.

They mention how evil is too bad yet too sweet. In the video, it makes evil so alluring like its the way out.
Soon I started getting very bad thoughts full of shirk and satanism while listening to it (which i do not feel comfortable saying what i imagined). Eventually I started getting thoughts of leaving everybody behind and living a new life full of sins and I started thinking about dajal. aoothibillah what is happening? I used to stay away from so much sin but now I get started enjoying thoughts of shirk and satanism? I felt tempted to do something extremely wrong too!

This is coming from someone who tried treating everyone correctly, respecting parents, watching lectures doing my best to stay awa from sin.. Reading quran.. Even whrn I became religious, everyone kept trying to push me away from religion. They tried pulling me down. Telling me my faith is going to go away one day. But no, I enjoyed being faithful and I got stronger after 2 years and they all gave up on pushing me down.


I have no idea what happened. It feels like i went from 0 to 100 in feeling rebellious. I feel horrible but I have no idea what to do! because the other times i felt horrible and took precautions to not come to this bad sin again, but i ended up doing it even though I never had much sexual desire. Now I just opened up the door to my biggest temptation, Music. The temptation that brought along many other thoughts and possibly to be sins if i dont do something.

Astaghfirillah. I need so much help. i read quran and pray. Im so scared because I know in a few days I might sin again.

 

[keiv]

Addictions can be a tough thing to break from especially in today’s world.if you lived a good portion of your life as a victim to such things, it will take more effort to push away from it. Sometimes you have to go to the extremes which can be a true testament of your faith. “Extremes” such as getting rid of devices that aren’t critical to your life, computers, tablets, smart phones). Find a hobby that gets you out of the house and keeps your mind occupied. The longer your mind is unoccupied, the more you start to think about different things, things that can lead you down the wrong path.

Think about the after life more often. Think about the grave and it’s punishments. Think about how these addictions have not benefited you and how much time has been wasted on them. In the beginning, it’s a temporary satisfaction and if you do it long enough, it just becomes a habit, sometimes with no satisfaction at all. Separate yourself from people who are bad influences even if it means being alone. Think about how low you feel when you’ve submitted yourself to the haram and how high you feel when you separate yourself from it.

When it comes to religion, sometimes people go to the extreme and quickly get burnt out, only to go back to their old ways. It isn’t about stopping a lifelong action that you’ve been doing and becoming a sheikh over night by reading and listening to the Quran day and night. Find the balance that works for you. Give up a bad habit, start to implement Islam in your life in one way or another while also occupying your time with things that are halal.

اعْلَمُوا أَنَّمَا الْحَيَاةُ الدُّنْيَا لَعِبٌ وَلَهْوٌ وَزِينَةٌ وَتَفَاخُرٌ بَيْنَكُمْ وَتَكَاثُرٌ فِي الْأَمْوَالِ وَالْأَوْلَادِ ۖ كَمَثَلِ غَيْثٍ أَعْجَبَ الْكُفَّارَ نَبَاتُهُ ثُمَّ يَهِيجُ فَتَرَاهُ مُصْفَرًّا ثُمَّ يَكُونُ حُطَامًا ۖ وَفِي الْآخِرَةِ عَذَابٌ شَدِيدٌ وَمَغْفِرَةٌ مِّنَ اللَّهِ وَرِضْوَانٌ ۚ وَمَا الْحَيَاةُ الدُّنْيَا إِلَّا مَتَاعُ الْغُرُورِ - 57:20

Know that the life of this world is but amusement and diversion and adornment and boasting to one another and competition in increase of wealth and children - like the example of a rain whose [resulting] plant growth pleases the tillers; then it dries and you see it turned yellow; then it becomes [scattered] debris. And in the Hereafter is severe punishment and forgiveness from Allah and approval. And what is the worldly life except the enjoyment of delusion.

 

[Studentofdeed]

Sister there are certain apps that can block these programs...I would recommend them. As for music...I can tell you how I did it?
I had all my music on my phone. Once I figured it was haram, it was tough quiting it. So I gave myself the illusion that I was going to save it on my hard drive. I did not delete it as it is on my Hard drive. Once it was on there, I removed it from my phone. Once I got used to it not being on my phone, I then officially deleted it off my Hard-drive and never had the motivation to re-download them. But you have to avoid those triggers. It happens to all of us. Addiction is hard...but maybe having an accountability partner? They have good online programs or you can find a sister from here and start an AP program with her?
Insha'Allah It will get better. May Allah bless you

 

[anonymous]

Addictions can be a tough thing to break from especially in today’s world.if you lived a good portion of your life as a victim to such things, it will take more effort to push away from it. Sometimes you have to go to the extremes which can be a true testament of your faith. “Extremes” such as getting rid of devices that aren’t critical to your life, computers, tablets, smart phones). Find a hobby that gets you out of the house and keeps your mind occupied. The longer your mind is unoccupied, the more you start to think about different things, things that can lead you down the wrong path.

You are right. I need to avoid these devices. I think I have been a bit lazy recently and these are only pushing me further into this trap. They end up wasting so much time when I could be using this on better things.

 

[anonymous]

Sister there are certain apps that can block these programs...I would recommend them. As for music...I can tell you how I did it?
I had all my music on my phone. Once I figured it was haram, it was tough quiting it. So I gave myself the illusion that I was going to save it on my hard drive. I did not delete it as it is on my Hard drive. Once it was on there, I removed it from my phone. Once I got used to it not being on my phone, I then officially deleted it off my Hard-drive and never had the motivation to re-download them. But you have to avoid those triggers. It happens to all of us. Addiction is hard...but maybe having an accountability partner? They have good online programs or you can find a sister from here and start an AP program with her?
Insha'Allah It will get better. May Allah bless you​

Ameen. Yeah it as been almost two years since I have listened to music. I dont know why I did that tbh. These songs werent even downloaded on my phone. I just looked them up on youtube all of a sudden and started listening to them! The whole time I kept getting so many memories and weird thoughts.. I felt so absorbed into it like never before. Maybe because I went through a whole music detox after these two years and then listening to it for the first time in awhile made it a lot more powerful because I wasn't used to it. That doesnt even make sense though because I am exposed to music sometimes when I have no choice (because of other people playing it).. I wasnt severely affected though. It might have just been serious waswas I fell for that time.


The amount of power behind these melodies and instruments.. Its crazy. These frequencies intensely trigger your brain. For three whole days after what I did... Just that one time.. I felt such an urgent NEED to hear it again. Even a few days after I would wake up hearing the music again and getting depressed because I couldnt listen to it. Authoobillah!

I didn't commit these 2 sins again though. I don't know why I did it, but I think I am able to completely stop it before it forms into a serious addiction. I started fasting to help it too.

But I really hope I can hear that same music in jannah. I generally wouldnt be wishing for this but after what I just did.. Its so hard to stop thinking about it