step children,ex-wife,mother

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mammyluty

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asalam alaikum

i have a dillema i nid to solve.i got married to my mums best friend`s ex husband.he had two children wth her gal n boy 13 n 18 olds.the problem is my mother n the best friend{my husbands ex-wife} had a big fight n they r not talking n it seems for good this time.i feel am the one whose suffering the effect of it cos am always find myself in the middle of a sittuation.they both leave as neighbours but like a few miles away n i leave far from both of them.so when i come to visit my mum,i cant go visit her cos shel obvisouly be upset bt at the same time i have step children there i have rights over them as well n they have rights over me too.am so confused n its so frustrating.i got pregnant n when i gave birth i came to my mum,,,n my son has not met her half sister untill hes six months old now.when am in my house n my stepchildren want to come to c there father at the same time my mum wants to come n she hears they r coming she wont come or shel make excuse of not coming.i could not invite them in my sister wedding.my husband communicates with her ex wife about the children n he doesnt stop me from communicating with the x.inshallah am planning to have a big family inshalah bt how is it going to be?we talk n check up on each other sometimes.i dont know how to untangle this mess!its separating my family into two parts n i feel i have to choose al the time.my husband feels bad ofcourse when he heres his children r treated like an outcast all because they r not talking.please any advice will be helpfull bt no critising anyone please just suggestions.
 
Assalamu alaykum,

I really don't know what to say sis. It's best to seek advice from a knowledgeable person (alim) as he/she can prioritize the rights of all concerned and give you advice on how to deal with this situation in the best possible way. May Allah make it easy for you. Ameen.

:wa:
 
mammyluty said:
asalam alaikum

i have a dillema i nid to solve.i got married to my mums best friend`s ex husband.he had two children wth her gal n boy 13 n 18 olds.the problem is my mother n the best friend{my husbands ex-wife} had a big fight n they r not talking n it seems for good this time.i feel am the one whose suffering the effect of it cos am always find myself in the middle of a sittuation.they both leave as neighbours but like a few miles away n i leave far from both of them.so when i come to visit my mum,i cant go visit her cos shel obvisouly be upset bt at the same time i have step children there i have rights over them as well n they have rights over me too.am so confused n its so frustrating.i got pregnant n when i gave birth i came to my mum,,,n my son has not met her half sister untill hes six months old now.when am in my house n my stepchildren want to come to c there father at the same time my mum wants to come n she hears they r coming she wont come or shel make excuse of not coming.i could not invite them in my sister wedding.my husband communicates with her ex wife about the children n he doesnt stop me from communicating with the x.inshallah am planning to have a big family inshalah bt how is it going to be?we talk n check up on each other sometimes.i dont know how to untangle this mess!its separating my family into two parts n i feel i have to choose al the time.my husband feels bad ofcourse when he heres his children r treated like an outcast all because they r not talking.please any advice will be helpfull bt no critising anyone please just suggestions.
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Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, sister i would suggest that you get an elder or elders involved in this situation from either in the family or community. This conflict cannot go on as Islam encourages good relations and strong ties of kinship.

Also make them aware that they are causing the anger and wrath of Allah by not maintaining the ties of kinship.

"Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, let him maintain the bonds of kinship." [Sahih Al-Bukhari]

"Allah's mercy will not descend on people among whom there is one who severs ties of kinship." [Baihaqi, Shuab Al-Iman]

Make them aware of this so that they may have some fear that they will be displeasing Allah if they continue like this and that they should resolve the conflict as soon as possible because life is short and this conflict is just about ego and pride and one should not hold any grudges against another and inshallah Allah will cause them to sort things out with each other so that you can be a proper family again.

May Allah make help make all our of our families close to each other and to maintain the ties of kinship and be the best towards each other. Ameen
 
right now am at my mums house bt am living the next day morning n my step daughter is coming as well to meet her father.so i talked to my mother n asked her if she could pick her up n we both go to the coach station n she agreed so thats good,alhamdullilah!inshallah next time il try n invite them at my mums house so they can interact.
 
do u think its a good idea if i try to reconcile them.or il mek it worse!
 
Hamza81 said:
Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, sister i would suggest that you get an elder or elders involved in this situation from either in the family or community. This conflict cannot go on as Islam encourages good relations and strong ties of kinship.

Also make them aware that they are causing the anger and wrath of Allah by not maintaining the ties of kinship.

"Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, let him maintain the bonds of kinship." [Sahih Al-Bukhari]

"Allah's mercy will not descend on people among whom there is one who severs ties of kinship." [Baihaqi, Shuab Al-Iman]

Make them aware of this so that they may have some fear that they will be displeasing Allah if they continue like this and that they should resolve the conflict as soon as possible because life is short and this conflict is just about ego and pride and one should not hold any grudges against another and inshallah Allah will cause them to sort things out with each other so that you can be a proper family again.

May Allah make help make all our of our families close to each other and to maintain the ties of kinship and be the best towards each other. Ameen
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the problem is i dont know where to start telling her.dont what to say!
 
mammyluty said:
do u think its a good idea if i try to reconcile them.or il mek it worse!
Click to expand...

Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, my sister it is far better that you get an elder of the family or community involved to mediate these disputes as their influence may have more weight in resolving this conflict.

You should also make them aware that Allah is very angry with those who break the ties of kinship within the family.

At two places in the Qur'an, Allah has cursed the one severing family ties:

"And those who break the covenant of Allah, after its ratification, and sever that which Allah has commanded to be joined (i.e. they sever the bond of kinship and are not good to their relatives) and work mischief in the land, on them is the curse, and for them is the unhappy home." - [Ar-Rad 13:25. See also Muhammad, 47:22-23].

A cursed person is one who is deprived of the mercy of Allah. It is an indication of this deprivation that this sin is punished in this world as well as in the Hereafter.

"There is no sin more deserving of having punishment meted out by Allah to its perpetrator in advance in this world along with what He stores up for him in the next world than oppression and severing ties of family." [Tirmidhi]

Another hadith highlights the high stakes involved here in a compelling way:

"Rahm (family ties) is a word derived from Ar-Rahman (The Compassionate One) And Allah says: 'I shall keep connection with him who maintains you and sever connection with him who severs you.'" [Bukhari]

"Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, let him maintain the bonds of kinship." [Sahih Al-Bukhari]

"Allah's mercy will not descend on people among whom there is one who severs ties of kinship." [Baihaqi, Shuab Al-Iman]

Make them aware of the Ayats and hadith pertaining to breaking ties of kinship and make them realise that until they have not resolved their issues then llah will remain angry at them and they will be deviod of peace in their hearts as well as blessings in their lives.

May Allah resolve the conflicts of all of our families are bring us altogether as one. Ameen.
 
saalam walekum warahmatullah, how is your mother related to your husbands ex wife ,do u know wht happened between them? how long have they known each other ,before you interfere as the mediator you need to find out the other side of the story .and i think its best you leave it to the elders ,and i dont see what she has to do with your son not seeing her half sister at six months .that was your husbands responsibility or yours as you are a step mom ,i think this is an issue between both yr ex husband and your mother ,mother issues are very sensitive sister ,all the best
 
walaikum msalam
they were best friends for ten years.n the fight was about y did u tell so n so about this n that.yeah i can share the blame.i guesse i wont try to mediate....i jst that i always find my self in a situation where i have to choose like when december comes n its holiday n my step want to come to c their father n my mum wants come with other siblings for holiday,but when any of them hears the other is coming they wont come.anyway i think i just have to live with it cos i cant think of any family member who will be willing to mediate btw them.n furthermore my mum would b angry at me if she hears that i was trying to interfere wth thier personal lives.
 
salaamu aliekum sister again hope your fine ,as u can see the arguement was why did you tell this and that ,shows why your mother has behaved in that way ,your friend has or already broken the trust between them as you say they were friends for 10 years and thats a long time ,so i bet she knows her better ,there must have been trust broken here that created the situation ,and maybe you dont know the real issue of why this and that then it best left as you said ,you might anger your mum,which would not be a nice thing to do ,so inshAllah they will have guidence ,walikum salaam sister take care
 

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