Stop the blame game in our Divorces in society

[Ridwaan Ravat]

Whilst our society generally places all, if not most blame, squarely on the husband when it comes to a breakdown of a marriage, the stark reality is that many a times the wife is equally guilty or even far more guiltier than her husband. The perception of society needs to be adjusted in this regard. It will be beneficial to keep in mind that in any conflict situation, wether marriage or war, the first casualty is generally always the truth. This is the reason many an Aalim and Social Worker maintain that there are always three sides to every story: his, hers and the truth!

Instead of playing the blame game, the sad truth is that many a parent has failed to make the proper tarbiyah (character development) of their children. They have failed to train their sons and daughter as to the realities of married life, the ups and downs of life. Many a naive daughter who then goes on to be a wife, understands marriage through a fantasy rose spectacled world of Mills & Boons, Hollywood, Bollywood and those romantic movies that paint a fairy tale and unrealistic ‘picture’ of practical married life, devoid of life’s challenges. So the naive Princess goes into a marriage with superficial and unreasonable expectations that are totally unrealistic in day to day life. The same applies to a son.

When the harsh realities of life are experienced, when the couple have differences of opinion and difficult decisions to make – all of which are part of everyday life, instead of dealing with the issues, the SOS is made to parents to cart the Princess back home far from her now ‘uncharming’ Prince. In such a situation, parents more often do untold harm and irreparable damage by way of character assassination, backbiting and slander to the marriage, instead of dealing maturely with issues and resolving differences with dignity and decorum.

Dirty linen, slander and inflamed emotions are plastered all over social media to vent a one sided story, thereby escalating a small problem into a ‘world war’. The immaturity of parents very often becomes so stark that it overshadows their immature daughter as well. Instead of acknowledging their Princesse’s flaws due to their own inadequacy and lack of marital preparation from childhood, the tirade and character assassination begins. Battle lines are drawn not only by the parents and spouses, but even by the extended families!

Tragically, Children born of a broken marriage bear the greatest brunt of such actions. Any reasonable attempt at reconciliation is dismissed without the slightest foresight. Sadly, the secular mindset which has become the norm of our society has become the hallmark of our Muslim marriages. As Muslims, we need to draw a balance and be governed by fairness, justice and the truth – however unpalatable it may be to us. It is high time that we relook at the whole equation and realise that every Prince charming also requires a gracious Princess charming who is an embodiment of Sayyidatina Fatimatus Zahra RA and also emulates her noble habits of hayaa, modesty, virtues, truthfulness, service to her husband, loyalty, chastity, tolerance, forbearance, dedication, perseverance, gentleness, respect, dignity and decorum among so many of her other great and noble qualities. Society needs to revisit this whole equation, stop the blame game, and stop always blaming the sometimes very often innocent husband.

Remember, It takes TWO patient, tolerant, mature, reasonable, accommodating, forgiving, realistic, enduring, caring, pious, gracious and loving individuals to form a bond of marriage which can then practically translate into a bliss of Heaven on Earth!

http://jamiat.org.za/stop-the-blame-game-in-our-divorces-in-society-the-other-side-of-the-story/

 

[ardianto]

We should teach our children to not easy to blame another party for problem that happen, but must willing to introspect themselves. If the blaming habit carried into marriage, then this marriage face the high risk to be end with divorce.

Habit of blaming give huge contribution for divorce. There are many people who just blame their spouses for problems that happen in marriage without willing to introspect themselves.

 

[muslim brother]

to be honest many people are totally ill prepared for marriage and parenting

mosques need marriage and parenting courses

and yes parents need to prepare their children for marriage and parenting.

the main thing..patience and to constantly learn and adapt..then more patience

 

[piXie]

Good post jazakAllaah khair. In other societies the woman is usually blamed for the breakdown of her marriage. Either way this blame game and pointing fingers only makes matters worse n brings no resolve. No party is infallible and all need to take responsibility & make amend.

 

[noraina]

Placing the blame entirely on someone else is a very easy way to waive away all personal responsibility and avoid having to reflect on your own actions and words. And by playing the 'blame game' you never can resolve the issue in the best way possible, and in all likelihood will make the same mistake again.

Especially in a relationship such as marriage, which requires understanding, patience and some compromise.

 

[MuslimLawyer]

Our firm deals with lots of muslim families who have turned to divorce as a last resort, and some of the stories we hear shock us.

Yes some ppl do see it as a last resort, but far too many rush to divorce.

its sad...

 

[aaj]

It used be said that 50% of marriages end in divorce in America and the numbers don't look that great in other western kuffar nations. Sadly what Muslims don't realize is there kids have been raised in the west and heavily influenced by the western values and norms they were raised in. As the saying goes, you are product of the society you are raised in. Majority of Muslims don't teach their kids Islam, they teach their islamised culture instead. So when these kids grow up in the west, they will adopt the culture they live in and not the one they came from. So it is no wonder that divorce rates among Muslims these days is close to 50% in UK and not that far behind in other nations. These kids are now grown and they know that if it doesn't work their way then "forget you", i can go find someone else mentality is engaged. The Muslims in the east do not fair as well either. With collapse of their cultural values and norms with all the immorality and corruption rampant there and the heavily exported western culture into their lands, they are not much different then the western Muslims. If not, they may even be one step ahead, so much so that they even joke in their tv shows with lines like "It's too modern here, I'm moving to America". Which more often then not is true, as westernized western Muslims are, the majority still are conservative as opposed to what has happened in the east. In all of this conundrum, everybody forgets to teach their children the proper Islamic values and norms and give them proper Islamic upbringing. So it is no surprise that we have such high divorces, short tempers and my way or the high way mentality.

As if all that was not enough. A large majority of the Muslims are not getting married either. Either their parents are not getting them married because a "suitable" guy measuring their expectations with the right looks, education and bank balance hasn't shown up or the girls are putting marriage off to opt for higher education. Wasting their youth on higher education these 30+ women are wondering why they can't find anyone to marry them. Failing to realize education can be sought while married and men prefer young beautiful girls in their primes, not 30+ year olds whom they think are not only pass marriage age but also best child bearing period. Which is why we have over a million spinsters in saudi alone and the numbers are growing in other Muslim nations. Lastly, feminism has destroyed the western world and now is being spread in the Muslim nations. Arabs love to have westerners as teachers and professors and many of the western feminists go as professor and teach their feminism propaganda to the females there, converting them into feminists. The problem with that is that today's feminism isn't about equality, its about misandry or contempt and hate for the men. So good luck getting married with those values. Again we have all this because of lack of islamic upbringing and education.

 

[Arfa]

Agreed 100 %

Most of eastern societies and partly western I suppose though i am not really sure about western societies stance on divorce, put the blame or major part of it anyway on men. Whereas, a woman is equally responsible for the breakage of marriage. Sadly, many brides and grooms who end up divorced are not educated on how to sustain relationship in marriage. Dually un prepared for marriage longevity both end up divorced. It's the responsibility of both men and women to sustain and make their marriage work

 

[xboxisdead]

People have this misconception that men have even an atom of power in marriage where in fact it is the women who is the head of the house hold and not the men. I will proof it.

A) If a woman does not want sex, the men have to submit and obey because he cannot force her and she will make a war against him so he have no choice but to accept it.
B) If he have children with her and he upset her, she can easily take the children go to her family and then that is that. She can prevent him access to the children and no matter what he does he have no power or authority over her and the children. He will be forced to divorce her and that is that. He is obliged to pay child support and say good bye for you and the children.
C) The husband have to obey his wife and please her or else she will turn his house into fire.
D) In the West, especially, she can send the police on him and put him in jail if he even as far as hurt her feelings. It will be constituted as domestic violence.

So..if we are going to put any blame..it is 100% purely on the one who have more power, more authority and who is the head of the household. That is the wife. She have power over her husband. His job is to obey her, submit to her, please her and feed her and give her money. Her job is to order him around and be the head of the household. So honestly, I am tired that it is the man's fault. It is not. It is her fault. As the head of the household, women, who you are the qayama over your husband you need to play your role correctly. You to be the protector of your house and make sure there is a good emotional bond between the husband the children so these children are raised correctly. Stop abusing your power over your husband, because Allah (Subhanahu Wa Talaa) will question the one who have more authority over the one who doesn't. In this case...men have little too few authority in marriage..it is you women who are the amir..the leader and nowadays the provider. Please fear Allah (Subhanau Wa Talaa) and be a good wife to your husband by causing peace in the house. You need to teach your daughters that you are the leader of the house..you cannot abuse your power...children need fathers...so in this case you need to find a good father and make sure he sit and raise the children correctly..do not break this marriage because it is damaging to the children's well being and mind. You need to teach your daughter that as the women are the leaders and protector and the men have no power or authority over us..but in fact we have the power and authority over them and we will be accounted in the day of judgement in our actions against our men in our lives.

Is that something you can do, sister? Or you prefer to be in the larger statistical group of the hellfire where the majority of women will be thrown in there? I mean I don't care if you wish to jump in hellfire..go for it..jump..but I am saying, your husband is your slave and you are his master. He obeys you. So the one with the most power must also be the one with most responsibility. Don't you agree?


And since society is applauding that women take over and run the world..it is time we have school and education for how to be a good husband and father. There need to be classes for boys how to take care of babies and children and how to be a good husband. Then whatever money he makes he should keep it to himself..the wife should go ahead and provide for the house and take care of the affairs of the house by going outside and working. NOW WE HAVE A GENDER role..phew! Now women can go outside and run the country...I am sure even better than men. She can build high rise building....we need more policewomen, firewomen, etc. Already women are taking over courts and government..men need to stay home, raise the children, he can work..but it is his money and he can outside and play with the children..he can buy his favorite toys while his wife go outside and work. As long as she comes back with a clean home, food on the table...perfect for her. She can fulfill her role as a leadership.

I forgot also..that it is only fair that the father have 100% custody of the child regardless of age when divorce does happen. This will protect high divorce in marriage as the mother would not want to be separated from her children. In addition, the woman should be paying the man mahir, since she is the leader and provider and protector and she makes the decision in the house and the husband obeys and submit...it makes no sense that he pays her, now doesn't. In addition...it is the obligation of the woman to buy the house, furniture the place and please do a better job at managing your money since you will be responsible (don't you agree) to make sure there is inheritance to he children when you die and make sure the husband is taking care of. It is time women wear pants too. Wearing skirts doesn't help you when you will be working in the workforce outside. Some of you need to go and build high rises and build streets and go to wear...wearing skirts and having long hair does not help you here. Please start cutting your hair into boy cut hair. Also sisters...GET SOME MUSCLES. Please...that weakly arm you have there...how can you do errands outside society with that weak arm? Go to the gym and get some muscles.....how can we have policewomen and fire-women when you have those weak arms and physical body. Please get some testosterone....you need it. Also...as the one who need to run society..you need to learn to stop complaining and take it like a man...ooops :embarrass:embarrass :facepalm::facepalm: I am sooo sorry...you need to take it like a women. Lessen the emotions here...and be tough. Keep it in, please. Reason being what if you are under attack by a bear or lion or something like that..you cannot be raising your skirt and screaming, "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!". You have to find the closest weapon near you and fight the enemy ahead of you. Learn to accept some violence please...in the outside forest world you need that. So girls need to learn not to express their emotions as much and be tough and strong. Boys can be more sensitive and express his feelings, he will have a woman to take care of him while he sits home..cook and clean and take of the children.

I am actually fascinated with this gender role reversal ;D . It will be interesting. Meaning men don't have to fight and die anymore? Don't have to be tough anymore..he can sit and raise the children and be free to shop around, do his worship of course and after cleaning the house when there is nothing to do..he can sit home and play video games or run his home business and become rich on his own..while his wife works and bring the baccon! THAT IS A DREAM COME TRUE AHAHAHAH ;D Any women who wants to leave the fold of Islam and join the new religion called feminism to play this role go for it. Hhahaha it is you who will be burning in the quench of fire...as feminism worships female goddess.....your female goddess (who don't exist and is false) will have zero chance against Allah (Subhanahu Wa Talaa) who is not male, who is not female, who is not matriarch , who is not patriarch who only judges based on the heart and intention and action and character and not what is between the legs, or how beautiful or ugly you are..or white or so black the engorges the very light, who also by the way does not judge based on intelligence either or maturity. Girls who are born maturer than boys who have thicker globe in the brain that allows them to talk more advanced than boys who do superior in school...that..dear...and when Allah (Subhanahu Wa talaa) have favored you so much over the male gender and there is even a surrah in the qura'an just that says women...with all that...that will not save you from hellfire...except... and only except by your action and by how you use your tongue. By boosting over your male sex you are superior over him and you are better than him...oh yeah...that arrogance you did there...oh yeah...that will get you a one way road to hellfire. Last I check....I know one creature who also was arrogant to the male sex...hmmm....OH YES..he is called Shaytaan. Last I checked he said he is better than Adam because he is created from fire while Adam is created from clay. By the way...this also applies to the male sex who is arrogant or feel superior over the female sex. You too is arrogant and you too will go to hellfire. ARROGANCE IS THE LEADING CAUSE OF HELLFIRE. We come from the bottom of the human body where we piss and <censor> and we have this felthy sperm.....impurity entering the body of the female where she is full impurity where she bleeds and blah and blah and the child comes from between her legs...the place where filth comes out and we dare BE ARROGANT. Wallahi all of us need to have a fireball right now and wipe us all from the face of the Earth...men and women alike. We deserve it.