[anonymous]

Salam.

Firstly i would like to ask why the anonymous posting feature is not working in the gender forums?
In the past if i needed to ask something which was embarrassing or didn't actually want my identity to be known for a specific problem there used to be an option to "post anonymous" however i don't see this any more... where has it gone?

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And now my main problem.....

I'm finding it hard to keep Sabr, i'm just feeling sooooooooooooooooooo ANGRY at the moment and need to vent this frustration otherwise i will literary go MAD hew

So the situation is like this.

My husband works, only around 30 hours a week so its not a great wage but we are getting by, and im happy with how things are considering i am unable to work due to disabilities.

We have debt, 1000 overdraft currently at -500 and also repaying a 3000 loan (which consolidated other debt) inshaAllah we hope to finally be out of debt in 2 years.
Im very concerned about the interest because i know its forbidden, so ever since my conversion to Islam ive been trying desperately to get out of this vicious cycle. I have looked into halal banks but was refused because of location and i dont have family that are willing to help out either. So i'm trying to sort this out as quick as possible.

So... the Qurbani issue.
We are struggling and in debt and were living on the "bread-line" only buying must needs (food+bills etc)
And then my husband tells me "Im sending £360 to my family abroad so they can do Qurbani for us all" my jaw just dropped.. and then there were massive arguments because i dont know where my husband thinks we can magically make this money appear.

His family already put loads of pressure on my husband to send money to them as they are also in difficulty, i understand their plight... I do feel however.. they do not understand ours and seem to think the UK is a land of GOLD and that we are living in a luxury rich lifestyle :heated:
Last year we sent them about £1500 of money we didn't have! And this is putting us back more and more and im doubting we are ever going to be out of debt :exhausted

Of course if it was a "desperate" situation where they had no money for food, i would send money even if it meant debt... but it isnt.

Ive spent more than £3000 on my husband just getting to the UK (visa problems) and next March were looking at a bill of around £1500 for the next stage of residency (ILR -Indefinite leave to remain) Again i think my husband expects this money to appear to him out of "thin air" :hmm:

I hate arguing about money
Its gotten to the point were im having panic attacks, insomnia and stressed beyond my limits.

I really want to do Qurbani but with the situation it just isn't practical..... is it?

But me, being me... caved in ... again.^o)

So now i'm again doing my finances and now look set to be on my overdraft limit and wondering how i'm going to buy food for the next 3 weeks.......
My husband keeps telling me that doing this will "please Allah" and that we will get reward for the hardship.... but is this really true because the way i understand it... is that we are not making any effort to get out of debt and continue to pay the evil interest to which we surely will be punished for in the afterlifeimsad Astaghfirullah

I know i need to be stronger and "put my foot down" but i cant bear the arguments or tense feelings in the house :'(

I want to be out of debt because then.. whatever money we do have, we can send out to family or charity etc

I understand that "money issues" are a common problem in a lot of households... especially in this current climate... its just getting me down imsad

How would others deal with a situation like this?

JazakAllahu Khayr for listening.

W/Salam.

 

[anonymous]

I am the original poster.... please delete, i think i am better seeking marriage counselling than posting on a public forum.
Thanks.

 

[Salahudeen]

Some people from foreign poor countries literally think money grows on tree's in England, and when their children come to England they rejoice because they expect loads of money to be sent their way since their child made it to the land of the rich. That's why when men from England go to poor countries they find it easy to get married also because they think money is plentiful here and their whole family will be taken care of.

A family friend married someone from Pakistan and when her husband came here, he was essentially providing for two families, his wife and kids and his family back home in Pakistan, to do this he was working 2 jobs 7 days a week, he never took his wife's money and got them both into debt. He just worked hard. He did try and get money from his wife but she refused and said she's not obligated to under Islam so why should she, then he just started working hard when he realized she wasn't going to put out.

The financial responsibility in a Islamic marriage falls on the husband in case you didn't know.

Also you quite rightfully mentioned the interest factor, taking loans with interest isn't allowed, but you probably didn't know at the time but try to avoid taking more loans with interest from now on because it's very serious.

I would deal with it by prioritising our needs first before the needs of anyone else. First priority would be to clear all debt and forget about anything else, then once all debt is cleared that's when other things could be concentrated on.

I think the problem is you shouldn't be bearing the financial burden in the marriage, this is the man's job in Islam, and that's why you feel the way you do, but then again perhaps you're forced to bear some of the burden since you're husband can't get more hours at work. Either way marriage counselling is the way forward I think, as you said.

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

I am the original poster.... please delete, i think i am better seeking marriage counselling than posting on a public forum.
Thanks.

Asalaamu Alaikum, Sister when you both are together and have time then you should have a serious word with him making sure that you do not allow yourself to cave in this time. Do not shout or become argumentative but be firm in that you need to sort these issues out and that your own finances come before anyone else as you do not want to end up paying more riba then you have to as it is forbidden and ribah is ".a war on Allah". That is how serious it is.

Just really open up to him and get him to open up to. Share your feelings with him and come to a mutual understanding. Open up the doors of communication and make him realise how much this is affecting you and their current situation. Once you have tried everything you can using communication then you should seriously consider counselling, preferably a Muslim counsellor if you can get hold of one. A mediator can help considerably in such situations.

If you need anymore help or advice on anything at all then please do not hesitate to ask. May Allah ease your financial situation and enable both of you to come to a good mutual understanding. Ameen