Salam to all.
I am new to this forum and wanted to say Alhamdulillah for this informative website.
I am in a predicament with 2 girls. I have known the first girl for over 8 years. We split up in the 6 year mark and I started to see another girl. The first girl never moved on, most probably due to me coming in and out of her life. The second girl I have dated for over 2 years on and off. I have hit a point in my life that I try my best not to commit sin. I try to pray 5 times a day, read Quran but can not deter dating. I have tried to be single but it does not work.
I left the girl of 2 years to be with the first girl, because the first girl always supported and comforted and lastly spoiled me tremendously. Her love for me is very pure. My mother fell in love with the girl of 2 years. I have hurt both women very badly especially the one for 8 years, she has always taken me back and always has forgiven me and I cannot hurt her this last time.
I told my mother that the girl of 2 years is gone and I am back with the first one. My mother diasgreed, and said I do not bless this wedding. She says she doesn't feel it inside. I love my mother very much and would never hurt my mother especially with a big decision like this. I told my mother that I do not want to commit sin and for her to speak to her parents for marriage, she says its not your time if Allah wants it, the wedding will happen, but when I was with the girl of 2 years she kept pushing immediate marriage.
The reason I broke up with the girl of 2 years was because I was comparing her to the 8 year girl. Which is very wrong, and which I should of have not done. Also she had relations with 3 non-Muslim men during college and high school. I am not pure myself and I should not judge, but it disturbs me deeply and caused many fights and arguments. She tried very hard to make the relationship work but I did not(maybe because I knew I can always go back to the 8 year girl). On the other hand the 8 year girl lets me do anything I want, lets me go be with any girl I want only and only if I am happy with that person. She only wants my happiness be it with her or someone else.
My family loves the girl of 2 years, my grand parents included. Desi society is very wrong especially educated desi families. They want a "tall and slim" girl which the 2 year girl is, the other one is not as tall or lighter. I wrongfully somewhat compare the 8 year girl physically to the 2 year girl which is very wrong, but I have been brainwashed by this "tall and slim" preference.
I do not know what to do, I performed The Istikhara dua and I am unsure of the answer.
Inshallah with the help of Allah and my brothers and sisters in Islam this situation will be dissolved.
Salam
Salam and prayers to all.
Asalaamu Alaikum, jazakallahu khayran for sharing your issues with us. It is clear that you have been committing major sins for a number of years by having relationships with both women outside of marriage. Brother you should really fear Allah because if he were to take you then what would your excuse be as to why you had haraam relationships for all of these years? There is no excuse on your part and the fact is you know the difference between right and wrong and you clearly chose to do wrong.
We will be judged on the choices we make in life and you made the wrong choices for a number of years now which you will be accountable for. You have two choices to make now. Either you stop all contact immediatley with all non mahram women or if you were to be taken by death which you could be at any second then firstly yuo risk grave punishment which is a terrible and harsh punishment and then you will face Allah with having no excuses for the fact that you chose to do wrong by having haraam relations with these women for many years and even though you knew it was wrong you continued to do so even. So now the choice is yours brother as it is your life and you will be accountable for your own actions so choose the right path over the wrong path and the choose good over evil.
If you choose to make the right decision and to go towards good and the right path which is to stop all contact with non mahram women then you must inform them by e mail that you will be stopping all contact with them until you have thought things over and had some space and then you should change your e mail address and mobile number. This will give you an opportunity to think things over properly without being in touch with any of those women and will also mean that you can have a fresh start in terms of having a new number and e mail address which you should ONLY give out to good and pious people in your life and not to those who are not a good influence.
You should then sincerely repent over your sins begging to Allah for forgiveness for the countless major sins you have committed over the years with these women. Ask of Allah in the depths of the nights with full sincerity, meekness, humility and utter remorse over your actions. Have the full intention in your heart never to committ such sins again. If your repentance is sincere and true then you will find Allah most merciful. Ask of Allah to help you decide what to do in regards with these two women. You must not be in touch with them as mentioned before but you need this time to think over things properly and to repent over your actions. This time will then clear your head and you will know what to do.
My personal take on the decision whether you should marry one of the two women is firstly you should certainly not marry the second woman because if you are deeply disturbed now about her past then it will definatley affect you in the future and it will crop up and shaytha will definatley remind you about it and this will affect your relationship. Some people can deal with their partners past but others can't and it is understandable that it may crop up after marriage. So in your case you should certainly not marry that women. Also the fact that you left her after comparing her to the first girl shows that the first girl was better in character and behaviour and it is character and behaviour which will be the most important thing in married life as looks will dissapear.
In regards to the first women then i really am not sure about her because firstly she never really pushed you for marriage and secondly she was too relaxed about you seeing other girls but you know her better and you know whether or not she has the potential for being a practising Muslim women and whether or not you will have any problems with her in the future. If you do see problems in the future with her then you must also not marry her and instead go about marriage in the halal way and NEVER get to know a women before marriage without her mahrams again.
You will certainly have to make these decisions by yourself after a perioud of self reflect and repentance and changing your focus in life and aligning it with the hereafter and with pleasing Allah and refraining from anything that displeases him. You must build a fear of Allah inside of your heart because you are very lucky that you have a choice now to go towards the right path. If you choose the wrong path again then whatever happens after that you will have to pay the consequances for.
Use this perioud of self reflection and repentance wisely. Think to yourself whethr either women has potential of being practising and whether you can picture both of you happy in the future and whether their characters and behaviour are good and you will spend a happy life with them. Also make isthikhara again at least upto 7 times and ask of Allah sincerely begging to him for help and assistance and then put your full trust, reliance and faith in Allah that he will do what is best for you.
This perioud of time that you wil use for self reflection and contemplation of what to do next without those women being in your life is crucial and will also give you a chance to clear your head and be able to think straight about things. You should certainly consult with your parents about this decision but ultimatley the final decision will be yours. You must tell them in the best manner possible that although you respect their opinions and choices you are the one that is going to spend your life with this person not your parents so you will marry who you think is best for you in terms of deen, character and behaviour. You cannot let your parents make this decision for you because a lot of the times they have their own criterea and agenda which may not be what is best for you even though they may think it is but regardless of what they may think it is you who will spend your life with that person so it is you who will make the final decision.
So make the right choice now and change your contact number and e mail after informing them by e mail that you will not be in touch until you have had time to think, clear your head, repent and ask Allah and contemplate over things. I am sure they will respect this but this can only be done by you changing your contacts because they will certainly call, text or e mail you. The change of number and e mail will enable you to make a fresh start which is what you need and will mean that you can get rid of those who do not have a good influence on your life and rid your phone bok of non mahrams.
Make the right choice and go towards Allah. Fear him for he is most merciful but harsh in punishment and if we cannot tolerate a second of heat from fire in this world then how will we tolerate thousands of years of punishment in a place where fire is 70 times more hotter than the fire of this earth who's fuel is not oil, gas or coal but men and stones. Before that you have the grave punishment as well where no man or jinn can hear your screams but everything else can. So let us go towards Allah and fear him. Let us make the best of the little time we have in this world. Surely you came hee to read this so that you can make the right choice.
I pray that after you have done the right thing that Allah does whatever is best will happen for you and marrys you to the right partner who you can go towards the right path to jannah with. Ameen
These articles wil help you to maximise the amount of good deeds you do everyday so you can get closer to Allah inshallah:
10 Steps to Increasing our Iman(Faith)
http://www.islamicboard.com/manners-...man-faith.html (10 Steps to Increasing our Iman(Faith))
30 ways the youth should spend everyday of their lives!
http://www.islamicboard.com/manners-...eir-lives.html (30 ways the youth should spend everyday of their lives!)
Easy Dhikr which is light on the tongue but heavy on the scales!
http://www.islamicboard.com/manners-...vy-scales.html (Easy Dhikr which is light on the tongue but heavy on the scales!)
My Daily Ibadah (worship) check!
http://www.islamicboard.com/manners-...hip-check.html (My Daily Ibadah (worship) check!)
10 steps to getting closer to Allah
http://www.islamicboard.com/manners-...ser-allah.html (10 steps to getting closer to Allah)
Forty Very Easy, Quick & Rewarding Good Deeds for all of us to do Everyday!
http://www.islamicboard.com/worship-...-everyday.html (Forty Very Easy, Quick & Rewarding Good Deeds for all of us to do Everyday!)
VERY Rewarding Nafl Salaahs we can Pray Everyday!
http://www.islamicboard.com/worship-...-everyday.html (VERY Rewarding Nafl Salaahs we can Pray Everyday!)
How much we will regret the precious seconds we wasted in this world!
http://www.islamicboard.com/manners...-regret-precious-seconds-we-wasted-world.html
Wasting Time is worse than Death!
http://www.islamicboard.com/general/134303410-wasting-time-worse-than-death.html
The Effects of Good deeds will remain forever!!!
http://www.islamicboard.com/general/134303409-effects-good-deeds-will-remain-forever.html
Want to see the REAL appearance of Almighty Allah everyday?
http://www.islamicboard.com/general/134303154-want-see-real-appearance-almighty-allah-everyday.html
Here are some very beneficial lectures to increase your imaan and fear of Allah:
AMAZING short speech -"The Goodly Life"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fugf1DcNyc
Remembrance: ask Allah for his forgiveness
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z-EK9r3rMzQ
Angel of Death!!! - Sheikh Ahmed Ali
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tUzRJXlB2uA
HARD HITTING Lecture on HELLFIRE & the Day of JUDGEMENT! يوم القيامة والجحيم
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0O6L_fBk7VM
Sheikh Ahmad Ali - Hellfire Talk Part 1/3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DWTehIeCOUU
Sheikh Ahmad Ali - Hellfire Talk Part 2/3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXTtk7rWx_U
Sheikh Ahmad Ali - Hellfire Talk Part 3/3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmiD86w9fBc
Islam - Punishment of the Grave by Sheikh Riyadh ul Haq
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UWb-hYIm2WE
Death and the Grave by Murtaza Khan
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7r2nzJVecqo
How can we not appreciate what we have after watching this?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AkEBUC0APMg
If you need further advice or any help at all then please do not hesitate to ask.
And Allah knows best in all matters
Ahki,
