[anonymous]

I come from a family of 7 girls and 2 boys. Its usual that girls tend to be closer to their fathers, whilst boys tend to be closer to their mothers. My dad has always been strict. That’s not the problem. The problem is that he dosnt know/has hardly ever shown affection to me or my siblings. So basically, I feel disowned. You know, with my mum being closer to my bros, and my dad not showing affection, there’s something bound to be missing.
So with all the stuff that has happened between my parents, this leads to the affect that it has had on me. Well, what can I say about me. Because of what has happened, I am can be quite sensitive. You know, I get annoyed, offended, angry quite esaly. I feel isecure about a lot of things. I barely have confidence. Sometimes I can’t even reread my posts that I write here. I feel like I’ve said something embarrassing or stupid or something. Generally, I need reassuring. I sometimes need to be told that im doing things right, even though I know it is. I feel so dumb sometimes for not knowing something (Islamic knowledge).I also feel that people will get hurt by some of the things I may say, even though I don’t mean it to come across as offensive, and when I think about it, im pretty sure the other person won’t be offended, or if it’ll even bother them. And sometimes people even think its their fault, like they did something wrong, when in reality im the one with the problem.
My parents marriage has affected me in other ways too. I have wiswaas in prayer, it takes me twice as long to pray. I feel the reason why that it is, is maybe I feel insecure, maybe its like me holding onto something. Maybe its farfetched. I dunno. Just thinking….
Another thing on my mind: My mother. I duno what to do. Shes always does what my sis tells her to do. Against me! Ican/cant do this, because my sis complains to her. Its killing me. I don’t want to disobey her, but I feel that im slightly losing respect for her, which will make me disobey her/to listen to her.
Due to what my sis has put me through (I blame her, not my mum), This has caused me to feel dead on the inside, yet at the same time I feel so emotional. I feel so put off by her. I feel so vicious towards her. There was a stage I went through where I couldn’t even touch her things. I don’t even want to wake her up for fajr, because that’s how much Im just so put off by her. Also because of what my sis has put me through, I feel antisocial. I feel that im so through with people. I feel that im ‘over’ people. Isolation is becoming dear to me. I just want to be by myself. The rules are so different for me and my other sis, but for everyone else, it’s completely okay. I don’t get it.
My mother also restricts my friends (not because of my sis though). I don’t chose bad friends, wallahi, I don’t. I cant go over to see a friend and talk to her about my problems, for eg. I just don’t get it. My friends have to be who she chooses. I must hang out with whom she likes. Which is beginning to make me dislike these people, even though im already friends with them. I feel hostile towards them, even though they havnt done anything to hurt them.
Im the type of person that can’t stand being told what to do. Well, atleast in this semnse. Literally it gets to me. My emotions feel so suppressed because of this. I cant take it anymore. Im about to snap.
Also, my parents are seprated which pretty much means I don’t get to talk/see my dad. I need to see him, as to keep up the family ties, etc. but I fear that this will hurt my mother.

sorry for the long post :hiding:

 

[anonymous]

no one

 

[noorseeker]

salam sister, it sounds like your suffering from low self esteem, it sounds like your a shy person, i can really relate to your post, always having to watch what you say , if you said something wrong or upset some one , when you know you havent,. I feel bad when i write posts aswell, like replying to you here , i feel like i have wrote something stupid, because there are some really god posters on LI and i feel my reply is not god enough.

I cant give any advice but i can see what your going through. Its like with my family, my bro can stay out late, get up all sorts ,and it feels like when people do bad things my mum loves them more and looks afer them, and is worried aboiut them, because i dont go out and do things, my mum doesnt have o worry about me , but i think i feel left out,

I know our parents love us dearly sister, but sometimes we need to feel it and without it life really seems empty.

Try and not to snap, stay strong , try and have a word with your sister, or confide in a best friend. Staying in isolation doesnt help,i need to get out aswell, always stuck in my bedroom,

Just keep on praying , it will be ok one day

 

[anonymous]

thanks for your reply akhee.

you know, as strange as this sounds, sometimes i dont want to 'make up' with her. i just think, 'why should i let all my hurt and anger pass and your just gonna sit there like nohings happened. i jut think, 'let me be mean to her...let her taste what ive been putting up with' :X

p.s your post was good:thumbs_up

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

mashaAllah i dont know why your worried you sound perfectly normal, infact to be honet yous ound kinda pious, I wish i was concious enough to rethink what i did and always evaluate myself. Its a step to becoming a better person. And it sounds like you have a lot of hayaa'.

listen dont ever think of yourself as weak or un-confident or anything yeah, jus think your what Allahs made you and you'll try perfect the potential his given you.


finally a bit of advice sis, if it really duz bother you and i guess because im a brother i wont fully understand it but, why dont you just speak to your mum about it? tell her "hey why do they always get all the affection? im ur girl toO!!"

or something like that inshaAllah

i hope things work out, Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah!

 

[Re.TiReD]

AssalamuAlaykum

Unfortunately I cant give you the advice I'd like to...mainly because I'm trying to find some answers just like you are...But one thing I will say is that everytime you feel cut-off from people, disowned and lacking confidence...just smile in the knowlege that:

The prophet (saw) said:

“Indeed Islaam began as something strange. And it will return as something strange the way it began. So give glad tidings to the strangers”.

( Sahih al-Jami’)

AND

"The world is the believers prison and it is for him a (place of) famine. When he seperates from the world, he gains freedom from his prison"

(Narrated Ibn Umar)

May Allah be with you sis...

WassalamuAlaykum

 

[Vedad]

Bismillah alhamdulillah wa salatu wa salamu 'ala rasulillah

wa Aleykum salam wa rahmatullah wa barakatuhu

I would like to say that both you "Anonymous" and "Nightstar" have described me pretty accurately.

And somethings you have mentioned are not good at all, and inshaAllah, that will change. We as people need to realise that sometimes to succed, it takes babysteps and not running to convince some people. And sometimes it's just running that helps.

You say:

I am can be quite sensitive. You know, I get annoyed, offended, angry quite esaly.

"I feel insecure about a lot of things. I barely have confidence. "

and

"I have wiswaas in prayer, it takes me twice as long to pray. "

Now thats something you need to deal with inshaAllah.
This is All from shaytan wa Allahu alem.
As I said, you two described me pretty good, I have waswas in tahaarah (na'udhu billah), it could take me 1hour for me to do whudhu (!) and up to two hours to make ghusul.. Can you believe that? I was standing there and just rubbing my feet over and over again, and then shaytan told me, you havent rubbed that spot even if your not supposed to rubber your feet.
Now it doesn't even take 10 minutes (I have a bit left to work on but inshaAllah it will work out).

The main thing is to get hold of correct knowledge and also have it described to you. And whenever you get the waswas, you think back on the knowledge and don't care about the waswas because you know you have done correct.

I get a feeling of that you are a bit depressed? I have also been in that situation, feeling depressed and angry and all. The prophet Sallallahu aleyhi wa sallam has taught us du'a that should be said when feeling distressed, you can find them and others here: http://makedua.com/display_dua.php?sectionid=35

"Another thing on my mind: My mother. I duno what to do. Shes always does what my sis tells her to do. Against me! Ican/cant do this, because my sis complains to her. Its killing me. I don’t want to disobey her, but I feel that im slightly losing respect for her, which will make me disobey her/to listen to her."

If you could try to talk to your sister, because, she might have some problem with you, so you two can sort it out. Or try to talk to your brothers or other sisters and let them talk to your mother/sister. But don't let it continue, don't let them attack you through your mother.

Also because of what my sis has put me through, I feel antisocial. I feel that im so through with people. I feel that im ‘over’ people. Isolation is becoming dear to me. I just want to be by myself.

Allah swt didn't create man to be alone. Just for an example; The prophets had companions, they were not alone. Musa had Harun. The prophet had AbuBakr, Khadija... Not to talk that the sunnah of the prophets is to get married, this can't be rejoiced with isolation.

Prophet saws said: Allah's hand is over the Jama'ah.

Not over isolation. If you know sisters on msn or yahoo, don't mistrust them, ask THEM for help, they know you, they can help you. When I had it worst, I chatted with brothers on msn and it really helped.

And Abu Dharr (Allah be pleased with him) reported from the Prophet (Peace be upon him) that, "Two are better than one, and three better than two; so stick to the Jama'ah for verily Allah, Most Great and Glorious, will only unite my nation on guidance." (Collected by Ahmad)

إِنَّ كَيْدَ الشَّيْطَانِ كَانَ ضَعِيفً

Lo! the devil's strategy is ever weak. (AnNisa' 76)

If you feel insecure, shy, lack of confidence, maybe you are timid?
Read more here:
http://www.islamtoday.com/showme2.cfm?cat_id=35&sub_cat_id=790


Just wanna add: if you can ask your mother WHY she doesn't like your friends do it, she maybe got a wrong picture of your friends and that you can tell her that it's not that way. Maybe she will change?

I don't know if this text is any good but inshaAllah it will atleast bring more good than bad. If it doesn't, ask me to remove it inshaAllah.

Salam Aleykum wa rahmatullah

 

[anonymous]

:salamext:

mashaAllah i dont know why your worried you sound perfectly normal, infact to be honet yous ound kinda pious,

Oh god, im not that at all! beleive me.

listen dont ever think of yourself as weak or un-confident or anything yeah,

yes dad. ;Dlol

Bismillah alhamdulillah wa salatu wa salamu 'ala rasulillah

Now thats something you need to deal with inshaAllah.
This is All from shaytan wa Allahu alem.
As I said, you two described me pretty good, I have waswas in tahaarah (na'udhu billah), it could take me 1hour for me to do whudhu (!) and up to two hours to make ghusul.. Can you believe that? I was standing there and just rubbing my feet over and over again, and then shaytan told me, you havent rubbed that spot even if your not supposed to rubber your feet.
Now it doesn't even take 10 minutes (I have a bit left to work on but inshaAllah it will work out).

yeah, i an realte to all that. i just dont understand why it takes me 10-25min praying dhuhr (depending on how the wiswaas is), when it takes someone else like 5 mins
I feel so bad sometimes. i walk out of hte prayer feeling so guily sometimes becase i had hardly or no khusoo. this wiswaas has really killed ,my inner tranquilty during prayer.

If you could try to talk to your sister,

like i said bro :sunny:

you know, as strange as this sounds, sometimes i dont want to 'make up' with her. i just think, 'why should i let all my hurt and anger pass and your just gonna sit there like nohings happened. i jut think, 'let me be mean to her...let her taste what ive been putting up with'

Just wanna add: if you can ask your mother WHY she doesn't like your friends do it,

i think she dosnt like my friends because she knows i confide in them. i dunno why, but i dont htink she likes that. i have trouble talking to my mother about persoanl issues. its not like i distrust her or disrespect her or anything, i dunno really, i just find it hard.

my sis also curses and insults me for no reason. its really hurts sometimes...

Jazakallahu khair for all your adivice (bros and sisters)

p.s sis 54M4K4H check ur email pls :sunny:. ur username reminds me of a phone no. lol

 

[Re.TiReD]

p.s sis 54M4K4H check ur email pls :sunny:. ur username reminds me of a phone no. lol

AssalamuAlaykum

I know you? oh: LOL ok Insha'Allah...and it is a phone number... 5444...just have to figure out whose it is *grin*...hope you is on the way to feeling better Insha'Allah.

WassalamuAlaykum

 

[anonymous]

listen dont ever think of yourself as weak or un-confident or anything yeah, jus think your what Allahs made you and you'll try perfect the potential his given you.

how do i do this, ahkee when i have my sis cursing me for no reason, when i have my parents marriage affecting me, when the most important thing: my iman, in my heart weak and decaying. how and where is the confidance going to come from.
imsad

 

[Vedad]

SalamA leykum wa rahmatullah

yeah, i an realte to all that. i just dont understand why it takes me 10-25min praying dhuhr (depending on how the wiswaas is), when it takes someone else like 5 mins
I feel so bad sometimes. i walk out of hte prayer feeling so guily sometimes becase i had hardly or no khusoo. this wiswaas has really killed ,my inner tranquilty during prayer.

Could you tell us What waswas youre having? is it like that youve msised some parts or that youve pronounced something wrong and shaytan makes you do stuff ovcer n over again?

i think she dosnt like my friends because she knows i confide in them. i dunno why, but i dont htink she likes that. i have trouble talking to my mother about persoanl issues. its not like i distrust her or disrespect her or anything, i dunno really, i just find it hard.

my sis also curses and insults me for no reason. its really hurts sometimes...

are YOU sure? I mean, i have also troubles talking about stuffs to my parents too, but i know taht they do what they THINK is the best for you, they dont hate you.. they took care of you when u were a baby, tihnk of that u ahve a small babygirl, you would love her right? Im pretty sure ur mother loves you, just asj her Why? dont be shy to do it, its YOUR mother, ask her in a nice way why and let her explain and if she got something wrong yoou explain nice to her.

Im going to say it again, tlak to your sister! And do not be fraid of getting emotional!
When my bro thought that i was behaving bad to ihm he did that to me, he got emotional and all... it was very unpleasant for me to see him that way... and I didnt know that he felt as he did..

so talk to yo sista and get emotional! like this: in the beginning and then go :'( it might help,, please try it! i mean are u here for us just to give u suggestions or are you going to follow any of them?

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

how do i do this, ahkee when i have my sis cursing me for no reason, when i have my parents marriage affecting me, when the most important thing: my iman, in my heart weak and decaying. how and where is the confidance going to come from.
imsad

from encouragement

you know what a strong person you can become if through all of that you come out believing and worshipping Allaah... and trust me the more you worship Allah the more you will feel confident, your self-esteem will rise sky-high and the next time someone insults you, you can be like "lol ye ok, now get lost" but if you want to be nicer you can just smile.

seriously though, insults/ups n downs of life/ we all been thru it.

i come from a family of 7 brothers and 2 sisters, and ive been thru quite a LOT of insults trust me, but all i use to do is go tell dad/mum or an older sis to beat up the one who use to insult me (when i was young) or i would just cry till its out of my system.

and the marriage part, its in most families in order to cope with it you need to find a seriously strong source of strength.

for me that strength was my mum + islaam.

hope things work out for you, just try encourage yourself, read motivational stuff, DONT let yourself wallow... worst thing to do.

now run along my little daughter :-\

Assalamu Alaikum

 

[anonymous]

Jazakallahu khair

and trust me the more you worship Allah the more you will feel confident,

yeah, thats true.

seriously though, insults/ups n downs of life/ we all been thru it.

they really 'dig in deep' thoughimsad

for me that strength was my mum + islaam.

yeah, it was like that for me too, when my iman is string anyways...duno whats happened now.

now run along my little daughter :-\

lol, it took me awhile to get that. i was like what the heck is he on about. than i was like, oh

p.s i cant help but feel u know who i am? am i right?

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

Assalamu Alaikum

they really 'dig in deep' though imsad

then just tell them to STOP IT ! you dont have to take it sitting down, im sure they'll reason if they see that its really hurting you.

yeah, it was like that for me too, when my iman is string anyways...duno whats happened now.

reply to the "emaan so high" thread please, im sure it'll help you

http://www.islamicboard.com/advice-support/134264519-emaan-so-high.html

p.s i cant help but feel u know who i am? am i right?

not a clue,


Assalamu Alaikum

 

[anonymous]

:wasalamex

SalamA leykum wa rahmatullah
Could you tell us What waswas youre having? is it like that youve msised some parts or that youve pronounced something wrong and shaytan makes you do stuff ovcer n over again?

yeah,. its like ivew pronouced something wrong, even though it dosnt make sense to me why i would have. like, i can pronounce the letters and words excellant, alahmduliah.

are YOU sure? I mean,

like, 99%. i know its sounds dispecectful and all, and i dont mean to be, but i do pick up on these things.

Im going to say it again, tlak to your sister! And do not be fraid of getting emotional!

i think ill get angry more than anything :X

When my bro thought that i was behaving bad to ihm he did that to me, he got emotional and all... it was very unpleasant for me to see him that way... and I didnt know that he felt as he did..

when you did talk to your bro, did it feel really weird getting along considering that you never used to.

please try it! i mean are u here for us just to give u suggestions or are you going to follow any of them?

ermm...im taking your advice into consideration, im not sure if have the guts to 'execute' though :hiding:
btw, your advice bro vedad is really good.

Assalamu Alaikum

then just tell them to STOP IT ! you dont have to take it sitting down, im sure they'll reason if they see that its really hurting you.

err...bro, if you think i dont stand up to them, think again! it still goes on. sometimes i shut up out of fear that my anger will get the better of me.

reply to the "emaan so high" thread please, im sure it'll help you

http://www.islamicboard.com/advice-support/134264519-emaan-so-high.html

lol, yeah i have, im post 20

not a clue,

okay, thats good them :exhausted wouldnt want anyone knowing who i am
btw bro IbnAbdulHakim you've got a knack for giving advice. keep if up :thumbs_up

 

[Vedad]

AsSalam aleykum wa rahmatullah wa barakatuhu

yeah,. its like ivew pronouced something wrong, even though it dosnt make sense to me why i would have. like, i can pronounce the letters and words excellant, alahmduliah.

Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
Doubts after doing something do not matter, otherwise doubts will increase.

The guidelines for the muwaswis (the one with waswas) are theese: When Shaytan comes to you and tells you to that you have pronounced wrong, or didnt pronounce a letter, IGNORE it! Just try to forget it how hard it ever is, just continue, your prayer is valid inshaAllah.

For example, a person that does not suffer from waswaas, when he doubts if he prayed 3 or for 4 rakaah, he should assume that he prayed 3, but the one with waswaas should assume that he prayed 4.

"In a prayer when you are not sure whether you have prayed three or four rak’ahs, you have to assume that it is four, and the part of the body which you are unsure whether you have washed it, you have to assume that you have washed it. This applies to every situation you face: take the easier option. If you do that you will have defeated the Shaytaan who has subjected you to this involuntary waswaas. May Allaah heal you and grant
you good health." http://islamqa.com/index.php?ref=11449&ln=eng&txt=waswaas

One of the Sahaabah complained to the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) about waswaas during prayer, and he said: “The Shaytaan comes between me and my prayers and my recitation, confusing me therein.” The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “That is a devil called Khanzab. If he affects you seek refuge in Allah from him and spit drily to your left three times.” He [the Sahaabi] said, I did that and Allaah took him away from me.

(Narrated by Muslim, 2203)

Read this inshaAllah: http://islamqa.com/index.php?ref=25778&ln=eng&txt=waswaas

like, 99%. i know its sounds dispecectful and all, and i dont mean to be, but i do pick up on these things.

Ok, well try to forget that, don't think about it, don't let hate come between you and your mother, my brother can't (or couldn't) realise that my parents are doing things because they think it's better for us (even though it's obviously not) he always thought that they did it because they wanted to control us and so. Even though that was not the case.

Try not to think in that manner, maybe you will speak a bit easier with her inshaAllah.

Remember that obeying ones parents is a great deed.

i think ill get angry more than anything :X

Make du'a to allah to make you a bit calmer if you have anger-management problems. Everytime you get really angry go and make whudu inshaAllah.

when you did talk to your bro, did it feel really weird getting along considering that you never used to.

Absolutely weird and uncomfortable. But it takes time to change so give her time too.

She might not want to tell you in your face immediatly that youre right but she might think that you are, thats the way i did when my bro attacked me, I just wanted to say that its not that way but u realise that it is after a time. So do Not get angry.

ermm...im taking your advice into consideration, im not sure if have the guts to 'execute' though :hiding:
btw, your advice bro vedad is really good.

She's your sister afterall, and we are all going to return to Allah.

Allah's Apostle said, "Help your brother, whether he is an oppressor or he is an oppressed one. People asked, "O Allah's Apostle! It is all right to help him if he is oppressed, but how should we help him if he is an oppressor?" The Prophet said, "By preventing him from oppressing others."

So if you think that you can stand your sisters behavior towards you, don't let her oppress you since she will be taken to account for that. And after all I do think you love her.

wa Allahu Alem was allillahumma ala nabiyyina muhammad wa ala alihi wa sahbihi ajmaeen

Salam aleykum wa rahmatullah

 

[anonymous]

AsSalam aleykum wa rahmatullah wa barakatuhu

Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
Doubts after doing something do not matter, otherwise doubts will increase.

The guidelines for the muwaswis (the one with waswas) are theese: When Shaytan comes to you and tells you to that you have pronounced wrong, or didnt pronounce a letter, IGNORE it! Just try to forget it how hard it ever is, just continue, your prayer is valid inshaAllah.

For example, a person that does not suffer from waswaas, when he doubts if he prayed 3 or for 4 rakaah, he should assume that he prayed 3, but the one with waswaas should assume that he prayed 4.

"In a prayer when you are not sure whether you have prayed three or four rak’ahs, you have to assume that it is four, and the part of the body which you are unsure whether you have washed it, you have to assume that you have washed it. This applies to every situation you face: take the easier option. If you do that you will have defeated the Shaytaan who has subjected you to this involuntary waswaas. May Allaah heal you and grant
you good health." http://islamqa.com/index.php?ref=11449&ln=eng&txt=waswaas

jazakallahu khair, that helped big time!

Absolutely weird and uncomfortable. But it takes time to change so give her time too.

lol ;D

wa Allahu Alem was allillahumma ala nabiyyina muhammad wa ala alihi wa sahbihi ajmaeen

ameen
jazakallahu kahir for your advice :thankyou:

btw, just wanted peoples opinions ,my sis also has this habit of being real bossy towards my little sis. like 'do this, get me this' etc. sometimes i encourage my little sis not to listen to her because it frustrates me because i think she should do it herself (nothing to do with the emnity between us). just wanaa know, should i encourage my sis not to listn to her, becasuse i think it may cause emnity btween them, or hsould i butt out?

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

your lil sis will become really hardworking and pious inshaAllah, dont discourage BUT encourage your older sis to do things herself.


hope that made sense.


Assalamu Alaikum

 

[Ebtisweetsam]

Welcome to the world of Big Families, Big Sisters and being a middle child.... and no Dad around. Sis ive been there, done that.

Big Families...what can i say? theres not enough of Mum and Dad to go around.... even when ur all married!
Big Sisters... this is a hard one. U know why they are like that? Because ur doing the things they felt they missed out on when they were your age. Trust me i know cos i did alot of research after my oldest sis drove me MAD!
Being a middle child will FOREVER be hard... ur stuck in the middle and u need more attention... but what can you do? Not much most times. I found by being myself, no-one can break me; like it or not, they have to accept you.
No Dad....when u get married, this is the time that u can go and get to know him without having to go through ur mum.
You know, when you have kids, you really do realise that ur mum did the best she can with what she knew.
Life isnt easy, especially with so much responsibility, so this is why the Big Sister's help is always counted as a blessing for mums.
When it used to get too hard at my mum's house, i used to indulge in reading the Qu'ran and Islamic books, just to get away from the Dounya for a little while and forget this life, and this is when you realise its worth being patient.
Talk to people and dont keep things inside sis. Most people have been through what ur going through; its even got a name for it; family eace:

 

[Vedad]

j
btw, just wanted peoples opinions ,my sis also has this habit of being real bossy towards my little sis. like 'do this, get me this' etc. sometimes i encourage my little sis not to listen to her because it frustrates me because i think she should do it herself (nothing to do with the emnity between us). just wanaa know, should i encourage my sis not to listn to her, becasuse i think it may cause emnity btween them, or hsould i butt out?

Ameen wa iyyaki.

I agree with IbnAbdulHakim.

Don't even try to make them dislike eachother!

After reading Ebtisweetsam's reply, I would like to add that if you don't have any contact with your father, I would encourage you to try to get in touch with him somehow. He is your father and Allah ahs ordered the kinship ties to be maintained. Also, if your father is muslim, he is your guardian, and you can't get married without his approval.

Hope this helps inshaAllah.

Salam Aleykum